To expect OH to put my job first ?

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Bit of back story, husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them. He earns around 38k. I was a career changer and in 3 years have gone from earning 20k to 80k. I work in a fast paced industry ( tech ) and whilst I do wfh and have reasonable flexibility, I take my job very seriously and I absolutely love it. Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills ) ( I also do the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking but that’s for another post ) I am currently expecting and previously we discussed OH taking some time off to look after baby so I could return to work after about 3 months and the plan was he’d be around and I’d do as much flexi working as I could ( possibly going down to a 4 day week or working some of my hours in the evenings) OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

Not at all. 16 weeks is what is fully remunerated. If you want longer than that you can take parental leave for up to three years but you only get 400 euros a month from the government. Unlike in the UK there is no cultural expectation that women should be saving up to fund a year or more's maternity leave, and certainly no widespread belief that putting your baby in crèche is bad for them. On the contrary, putting your baby in crèche and going back to work is what is considered normal. I don't know any French women who are SAHMs. The only SAHMs I know are foreign women who usually have other reasons for not working, such as not speaking French. It is the opposite of a culture which doesn't want women to work. The UK is a culture which doesn't want women to work.

Why can't he take some shared parental leave? If you're back to work after 3 months that leaves 6 months statutory shared parental pay left?
Tbh it sounds like he's riding a gravy train and might have spun you a line about what kind of father he'd be and now his cushy set up is being disrupted he's showing his true colours

Well what does her husband prioritise? Because it's not seemingly not working, paying the bills or looking after his child.

Will cost them £40k or so from their post tax income (joint net income presumably around £80k ish) Unless their expenses are low relative to their income that's a massive chunk. Not simple.

Yes and who will be paying the mortgage when OP is taking a career break to ‘nurture her little one’? I love both DC but would have slipped into depression if I’d stayed at home beyond a year. I still have a strong bond with my kids.

OP is probably starting to realise why his ex is an ex. Sounds like what the kids call a ‘wasteman’.

So what is her husband prioritising then? Because it's not work, and it's not his family either.

He doesn't want to work harder and earn more money, and he also doesn't want to take some time off to raise his child.

Are we to conclude that his priority is scratching his arse?

Just a point to add, if you want to put a young baby into childcare, be prepared to need to take lots of time off due to them getting ill. I speak from experience - I had to put my 5 months old (1st child) into nursery 8am-6pm 5 days per week and he came down with every cold and illness going. I don't think he was ever actually at nursery for a full week. I ended up using all my holiday and then having to go into unpaid leave. He suffered a lot with tonsillitis, which usually meant several days off whilst the antibiotics kicked in. Fast forward to having two children and the same happened with baby#2, to the extent I had to stop working as my unpaid leave wiped out my salary (I'm a qualified accountant, so it was a reasonable sum). Just please look into all options and weigh up all the pros and cons. Nobody warned me that little babies would get ill so frequently and if I'd known that as a first time Mum, we may have planned things differently.

Mine started nursery FT at 3 months and he definitely got cold after cold but nothing serious which involved several days off, antibiotics etc.

Just a point to add, if you want to put a young baby into childcare, be prepared to need to take lots of time off due to them getting ill. I speak from experience - I had to put my 5 months old (1st child) into nursery 8am-6pm 5 days per week and he came down with every cold and illness going. I don't think he was ever actually at nursery for a full week. I ended up using all my holiday and then having to go into unpaid leave. He suffered a lot with tonsillitis, which usually meant several days off whilst the antibiotics kicked in. Fast forward to having two children and the same happened with baby#2, to the extent I had to stop working as my unpaid leave wiped out my salary (I'm a qualified accountant, so it was a reasonable sum). Just please look into all options and weigh up all the pros and cons. Nobody warned me that little babies would get ill so frequently and if I'd known that as a first time Mum, we may have planned things differently.

Depends on the child. Never managing a full week at nursery sounds very extreme! My eldest kept getting recurrent tonsillitis (he's having his tonsils out actually) but even he was in the vast majority of the time. My youngest child has never missed a day of nursery (and he's been in full time since 6 months old). My husband and I have managed to hold down two demanding full time careers. I appreciate not every family can manage that, but it is worth knowing that all children are different, and not all babies get get ill frequently (and to be honest, rarely as much as that - none of the kids I know have never managed a full week at nursery due to illness!).

And that's great if it worked for you. But as you say, not all children are the same. I'd never been around young children until I had my own, so had no idea. I mention my experience as it financially almost ruined us. I'm glad to hear others did not have the same experience, but equally, I wish someone had given me the heads up that this could happen. The OP must obviously take their own view and knows their own circumstances. My little boy really went through the mill, repeated tonsillitis and eventually scarlet fever. A horrendous time all round. No, possibly not the experience everyone will have, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't give my viewpoint.

Have you actually spoken to your employer about what you’re entitled to or have you just decided proper maternity leave isn’t possible?
I suggest a nanny the baby will prefer being at home and you can spend your breaks with the baby.
I’d also suggest a clearer to take some pressure of yourself.
I agree with everyone else saying split your money proportionally.
To be honest neither of you come across as great in this thread.
I think you probably failed to recognise a few red flags early on because you had/have a similar attitude to your partners.

@SnowflakeCity I don’t think he wants her to stop work to look after baby. It sounds like he wants her to bring home the bacon, look after baby AND do the bulk of the house work.

Op, I divorced a man eventually who kept avoiding promotions. Not because he didn’t contribute equally financially but he also expected me to serve everything up on a plate just like this. Childcare, housework, income and sex. All on my plate.

His salary. Am pay a nanny/mothers help whilst you wfh - simples.

i have noticed over the years that many men are like this, it’s just old fashioned sexism. They think it’s a woman’s job to look after the child and even if the woman earns more, they shouldn’t have to give up their work as it would make them feel emasculated.

This. And with a shitty backstory to DH attitude to his first wife I imagine you need to be prepared to parent alone too. Take the mat leave, sort good childcare, keep your well paid job. You can't count on him, he's showing you that over & over again. When someone tells you who they are, listen.

If neither wants to look after the baby and both want to work.....why have the baby I'm the first place? At this rate the poor thing will reach 12 weeks old and then dumped in a nursery smh fkg sad

If neither of you think the baby will matter more to you
than work, why are you having one?

Because parents are allowed to have careers and even enjoy them
Because for many families, both parents working is essential so the baby has a warm home to go after their day 'dumped' in nursery.

Can't believe some of these horrible critical comments about "why bother having a baby if you are both going to work". Prior to the pregnancy, OP's husband had said he would like to be SAHD in the early months after a short-ish Mat leave, now he has rescinded that offer and is sounding more like a lazy twat than she had anticipated. OP has no choice but to try figure out the best way forward, Of the viable options, bankrupting her family and ruining her earning potential is not one. She hasn't yet had the baby so is still trying to imagine what it will be like, and we all know that's really hard before you actually have your first baby. And parenthood is a marathon not a sprint.
FFS it is 2023, why are so many posters on here intent on tearing down a successful woman with a career? She is in a genuinely difficult position here despite great earning potential due to her own work ethic and effort. If I was the OP I would be distraught reading the nasty stuff from the keyboard warriors above, no doubt paragons of perfect parenthood themselves. Is it jealousy? I just don't get it, but it's appalling whatever is driving it.
And even if she ends up deciding paid for care from relatively early on is the best option overall for her and her child in the long run, that's for 40/168 hours per week = less than 1/4 of the time overall.
OP ignore the nasty comments of you are still even reading this thread. You'll find the way to make it all work. Try to build some flexibility into your ideas. You've got this, with or without your lazy-ass husband.

Tell him he can either stay home with baby for a while like he said he would, or you will take the time off but he needs to cover ALL expenses for that period of time. He doesn't get to dictate how it's going to be. Failing that, he can take baby to work with him and see how impossible it is to do both at the same time.

Exactly!! Totally agree, it doesn't seem like either parent wants to look after the baby even at newborn stage....gotta be the saddest AIBU post I've read so far

No, income should all go into one pot and expenses paid out of that. As for wfh and looking after a baby; just no.

OP, there’s more to looking after a baby than ‘cuddles’. You have no idea how time-consuming and exhausting a baby is. If your job is so high powered you will simply not be able to do it.

Of course she will. OP isn't the only woman with a high powered job.

I work in the same industry and work FT.