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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect OH to put my job first ?

339 replies

greyA · 28/09/2023 19:49

Bit of back story, husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them. He earns around 38k. I was a career changer and in 3 years have gone from earning 20k to 80k. I work in a fast paced industry ( tech ) and whilst I do wfh and have reasonable flexibility, I take my job very seriously and I absolutely love it. Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills ) ( I also do the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking but that’s for another post ) I am currently expecting and previously we discussed OH taking some time off to look after baby so I could return to work after about 3 months and the plan was he’d be around and I’d do as much flexi working as I could ( possibly going down to a 4 day week or working some of my hours in the evenings) OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

OP posts:
stealthbanana · 28/09/2023 19:51

Oh OP. No no no no no.

you already do the bulk of domestic stuff? You need to sit down and have a very serious talk with your OH about how you are going to split all contributions to the family or you will be a burning ball of resentment by the time your child is 2. And it’s unlikely your marriage will survive.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/09/2023 19:54

Put baby in nursery, pay proportionally?

You CANNOT do an 80k a year job with a baby in the house - that's the quick way to lose that job

Loopytiles · 28/09/2023 19:55

YANBU to want to return to work full time or 0.8fte when you like your job and are doing so well at work and with your earnings.

If your H wants to work full time or close to full time too you could use paid childcare.

RedSquirrelsRock · 28/09/2023 19:55

First baby? Dh doesn't have much clue about this already does he? You wfh and look after a young baby? Yeah, right, matey in your dreams. Back your wife up!

SnowflakeCity · 28/09/2023 19:56

I'm kind of torn on this. You want to work instead of looking after the baby and your husband wants to work instead of looking after the baby. Is it that you think because you earn more than him your wants trump his? if neither of you want to look after the baby childcare seems the obvious choice.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 28/09/2023 19:56

This isn’t what you wrote about, but splitting costs evenly when you earn such different amounts is wrong. I believe costs should be split in proportion to income so of course you should be paying more than your DH.

However, I also believe domestic tasks should be split evenly too. And you absolutely cannot wfh with a small baby without childcare.

Loopytiles · 28/09/2023 19:57

In the event of divorce if you work and earn more and your H did more weekday parenting you would risk having less than 50% of your time with the DC and paying your ex maintenance etc.

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 19:57

You will need to source childcare and pay for it and he will need to contribute to the childcare proportionately as he needs it as much as you do

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 28/09/2023 19:59

He shouldn't have to be a sahd just because he earns less than you. If you both want to work put the baby in childcare. If you wanted to be a sahm - look at your bills because lots of families manage on 38k. You could also take longer than 3 months mat leave.

He needs to be doing 50% of the housework. But it's only fair you pay more of the bills when you earn so much more.

Grumpy101 · 28/09/2023 20:00

No. Put baby in nursery. Split cost proportionately.

If he's not doing his share of domestic work now, he'll take paternity leave as a jolly and will do even less. Especially if you are WFH, you'll end up doing EVERYTHING and will burn out.

And if you decide enough is enough and divorce, you'll end up having the child less than him and paying his lazy arse maintenance.

neverbeenskiing · 28/09/2023 20:02

If neither of you wants to take a break from work to look after the baby then the obvious solution seems to be to pay for nursery, a childminder or a Nanny? You are right that working from home and taking care of a baby isn't realistic, your DH is being daft. But I don't think that means you can force him into being a SAHD if he doesn't want to. My DH earns a lot more than I do, but my job is important to me and if he tried to use my limited earning potential as leverage to pressure me to be a SAHM he'd be told where to go.

MimiSunshine · 28/09/2023 20:02

It doesn’t read like OP is against childcare but just that they’d discussed her partner taking the shared parental leave after her 3 month mat leave.

OP is that all your employer offers at full pay until statutory mat pay kicks in? (I’m assuming you’re in the U.K.)

has he ever actually been in the presence of a baby? In what way does he believe you can work full time with one at home?

i actually could have worked when mine was a newborn, she was very easy and just slept through the 1st couple of months.
then at 3 months, she woke up, sort of realised she’d been born and suddenly needed loads more engagement from me. No way could I have worked at that point.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/09/2023 20:06

I'd have been livid if my husband told me that because I earned less than him, I had to stay at home and care for the baby, or change the job I liked and was good at to earn more, so that he could stay at home. His career is important to him even if you don't think he earns enough.

He earns enough that childcare makes financial sense, so do that.

I'd also have been livid if he suggested I wfh whilst looking after a baby, so think you're both as bad as each other really!

Spacecowboys · 28/09/2023 20:07

I earn more in our household but I’d never suggest my job is more important than my dps is.
It may make more financial sense for the lower earner to stay at home but I think it’s a really bad idea to try and make someone do this. A lot of women want to maintain their financial independence when they have children and it is absolutely fine for a man to want to do this too. The solution is probably to use childcare so you can both continue working the hours you want to. I’d be surprised if you want to return to work after only three months once baby is actually here though.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 28/09/2023 20:07

I think there's some very black and white thinking going on here.

It's fine for your OH to earn less than you. It's also fine for him to not want to take his shared parental leave, although it is a great pity that is how he's thinking.

It is not fine to expect anyone to WFH AND take care of a baby, that's actual fucking bonkers.

It's not OK for one person to do the bulk of the chores, especially when (at the moment) both of you are working full time. Why. On. Earth. Isn't everything 50/50?

It's also OK for you to take a longer mat leave, if that's what you want.

Original poster
greyA · 28/09/2023 20:08

Absolutely not adverse to childcare, but OH has 2 older kids from previous relationship and was very resentful towards his ex that he spent all his time at work and she effectively got 5 years off with the kids and he was always adamant he wanted to do it differently this time. I would absolutely love to be a sahm but unfortunately our outgoings just wouldn’t allow that- we aren’t frivolous, it’s just general living. It’s not that his job has to be second but if I loose my job we literally wouldn’t be able to survive. And when I say we share bills fairly equally I mean mortgage and utilities - all food, meals out, holidays, luxuries etc are paid by me.

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 28/09/2023 20:08

Can you both go part time?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 28/09/2023 20:09

You sound very like a friend of mine who was in this position ten years ago. She was the main bread winner and the main housekeeper too, while hubby pottered along in his comfy little job. When the baby came he continued pottering along while she continued to earn all the money, do all the housework and cooking, and do all the childcare. It's not just her marriage that crumbled, her mental health did too.

Your DH needs to start pulling his weight around the house before the baby gets here. And no you absolutely cannot WFH while looking after a baby. He needs a serious wake up call.

TeaKitten · 28/09/2023 20:13

greyA · 28/09/2023 20:08

Absolutely not adverse to childcare, but OH has 2 older kids from previous relationship and was very resentful towards his ex that he spent all his time at work and she effectively got 5 years off with the kids and he was always adamant he wanted to do it differently this time. I would absolutely love to be a sahm but unfortunately our outgoings just wouldn’t allow that- we aren’t frivolous, it’s just general living. It’s not that his job has to be second but if I loose my job we literally wouldn’t be able to survive. And when I say we share bills fairly equally I mean mortgage and utilities - all food, meals out, holidays, luxuries etc are paid by me.

Why would you loose your job for taking longer maternity leave?

renthead · 28/09/2023 20:16

I also can't understand why you think you are going to lose your job.

barbieofswanlake · 28/09/2023 20:26

So you're not averse to childcare, why aren't you planning to use childcare? 3 months is young but not unheard off. With your joint salaries being so high you should be able to afford a nanny, meaning you would still be able to breastfeed if you choose to etc. the only issue you seem to have is you're annoyed he's changed his mind.

To be honest, with his attitude to his ex's "five years off" it's probably a good thing he's changed his mind!

AnnaTortoiseshell · 28/09/2023 20:28

Your job isn’t more important than his job. And if you don’t have joint finances, you should be splitting things proportionally. It’s shitty for you to be paying for all the luxuries, and making him pay half of all the utilities so he is always in the position of being grateful.

I would be frustrated if my DH had said he would take paternity leave and then changed his mind. However, he may feel like he can’t afford to take time off given the financial situation and having two older children to support.

If one of you wants to look after this poor kid, then he takes paternity leave, or you take maternity leave. You won’t lose your job if you do this. If you want him to take time off work then you’ll need to reorganise your finances.

The last resort would be full time childcare for a 3 month old, which is a depressing idea but there you go.

Bottom line is, if you are having a baby, someone needs to look after the baby.

Original poster
greyA · 28/09/2023 20:29

I joined and unexpectedly fell pregnant within a few weeks. Previously we had tried for a long time with no success so didn’t expect it to happen. Company is lovely but my role is very involved and it’s not like I could just take a year off and pick up where I left off.

OP posts:
AnnaTortoiseshell · 28/09/2023 20:30

What do you think other women do?

Dadfromthesea · 28/09/2023 20:30

He’s being unreasonable changing his mind, that’s for sure. The original plan was reasonable because you both agreed to it.

I don’t get how so many marriages (this one and lots of others I read about on MN) don’t pool money together. People say ‘I earn £80k and OH earns £35k’ or whatever, whereas in my marriage WE earn an amount that is two combined salaries. Everything comes out of that one pot that we earn. And chores, childcare and life admin are split in ways we discuss and are comfortable with.

Each to their own, I guess. But it seems to make things complicated.