To expect OH to put my job first ?

[greyA]

Bit of back story, husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them. He earns around 38k. I was a career changer and in 3 years have gone from earning 20k to 80k. I work in a fast paced industry ( tech ) and whilst I do wfh and have reasonable flexibility, I take my job very seriously and I absolutely love it. Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills ) ( I also do the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking but that’s for another post ) I am currently expecting and previously we discussed OH taking some time off to look after baby so I could return to work after about 3 months and the plan was he’d be around and I’d do as much flexi working as I could ( possibly going down to a 4 day week or working some of my hours in the evenings) OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

I don’t expect him to contribute 50% exactly and he doesn’t. He covers half the mortgage and utilities ( approx £650) I put £1000 into our joint account to cover the other half and rest of the bills ( then there’s approx another £400 on various insurances, gym memberships etc that I also pay for) and all good shopping (£400) anything else for example - oven just blew up and I bought it. He’s happy for me to pay for meals out etc - but I frequently put extra in our joint account for such instances so he never has to thank me. I would love it all to go into a pot but he wasn’t keen until I started earning more than him and then I thought better of it. We always shared everything 50/50 when I earned 20k so feel like it’s only fair he pays his share now as it’s not like he earns a pittance. He’s also not great with money and no matter how much spare he has he’s always overdrawn at the end of the month ( we’ve tried me paying everything, 75%, 50/50 exactly etc )

We may have to do this and I will look at working part time. He was always adamant he wanted to be hands on and would take extended leave. We agreed it made more sense as I earned more and could cover all of our outgoings plus it would mean I’d get to be with baby all day long- work is busy but I’m not chained to a desk all day so there would be plenty of opportunities for cuddles, lunch together etc. He’s now decided he doesn’t want to so I don’t really know what to do ☹️

I'm not sure how you can "do even less" when looking after a baby full time. Nor can paternity or maternity leave ever be taken as a "jolly".

Did you discuss how he would be financially compensated (including pension contributions) as the lower earner taking extended leave?

Because, I suspect that is the sticking point. Are you prepared to make up his salary/pension contributions?

Dump the lazy fucker and get a nanny instead. Life will be so much more relaxed.

This. He's not a team player, he's lazy and he doesn't contribute much.

You're the one who carries the burden at home and you're the one who's driven in your career. What does he add to your lives, exactly?

I would love it all to go into a pot but he wasn’t keen until I started earning more than him and then I thought better of it.

He's a bit of a taker, isn't he? Not really a giver.

He sounds useless

So... He thinks his X wife took "5 years off" to look after the kids and is resentful of her and that you can look after a baby and when full time. He basically thinks that childcare and domestic duties are a piece of piss and 'time off' and therefore is either a clueless manchild who has never actually looked after a child/loaded a dishwasher or a misogynistic pig who things it's all little women's wife work and not to be valued. Either way you're in for a bumpy ride and I suggest you set some clear expectations pronto.

If I've understood correctly:

OP earns £80k and pays £1800 towards household costs

Her DH earns £38k and pays £650

So actually, the OP is already paying more proportionate to earnings.....

DH is always in his overdraft, on £38k he will be taking home circa £2,300. If £650 goes on the household where exactly does the rest go?

OP currently does all household tasks.

DH expects her to continue this AND all childcare when baby arrives, while also still working?

Strikes me you'd be better off financially and emotionally without him.

Dump him. You and baby will be better off.

How far on are you? Do you think you can cope as a single mother if you have to ? Because he really doesn’t sound like a keeper- he’s a misogynist who resented his ex for taking five years away from paid work to look after their children,and who already expects you to do most of the housework. There will be three times as much housework when the baby arrives and you won’t be able to do it all and will resent him for not pulling his weight.(Separately I also think you’re unreasonable about the finances, but that isn’t what you asked about.)

YABU to insist your OH to take time off work to stay home with your DC. He would also BU to expect you to do so and is BU to expect that you can wfh and care for a baby.

If he's backing out of an agreed plan then he is also B slightly U, however clearly you need to be able to discuss and reach an agreement.

You're going to need childcare if you are going back to work at 3-4 months and he doesn't want to take parental leave. So start talking about whether that will be a nanny or nursery and whether he/you will reduce hours at all or whether this needs to be FT.

His comments about his ex and the 5 years off make him sound like a knob. If he is a knob then you could also start thinking about how the relationship is working for you and will work for you and your DC.

This. He's awful.

When you add up how much you're paying for everything, OP, you're clearly paying more than twice what he is which is disproportionate even with your higher earnings. If you're on £80k and he's on £38k then you should be paying, at most, twice what he is paying, given that if those are your gross salaries your actual take home pay won't be twice his.

And then it turns out that when you were earning £20k and he was the higher earner he wanted separate finances and everything split down the middle?

I bet he bloody did.

He wants to have his cake and eat it, doesn't he?

When he's the higher earner he wants you to financially contribute the same as him (and also do all the housework).

When you're the higher earner he wants to sit back and relax and be a kept man, whilst he also doesn't do childcare and doesn't do housework.

He is just going to be a millstone round your neck, OP.

You can't work and look after your baby so if he refuses to take parental leave then you will have no choice but to use paid childcare when you need to go back to work. But if he's already spending all his income because he can't manage his money effectively, guess who will be paying for the childcare?

That's right, you.

If you don't want this to be your life then your only real option is to leave the lazy fucker and claim child support. You might not be any better off financially but at least you'll be rid of this leech.

There are a few issues here. Your husband needs to pull his weight around the house. You also need to adjust your finances, you bring home not far off double what he brings home so evenly splitting other than the extra £500 is not fair and would certainly have been called abuse if it was the other way around.

And no, I don’t think he has to prioritise your job. You are both entitled to have a baby and work full time. So you need childcare.

This! What exactly does he bring to the party other than reneging on plans, disparaging his ex and apparently knowing nothing about babies despite having had two.

What is his parenting like with his older two children? How much does he expect you to do? You can probably get a window into your future by looking at his effort level with them.

Wonder whether part of the reason he doesn’t seek to earn more etc is because he doesn’t want to pay more maintenance for his DC. What a prince if so!

Have you read the OP's updates?

Her husband is paying £650 towards mortgage and bills and she's paying £1000 per month into the joint account to cover the other half plus spending an extra £800 per month on other things for the family. That means she's already contributing almost three times what he is, despite the fact that her take home pay after tax is only going to be about one and a half times his. She is already subsidising him quite significantly, despite the fact that a few years ago when she was only earning £20k he was very happy for her to pay half of everything.

He's also not suggesting they pay for childcare. He can't pay for childcare because he is crap with money and spends his entire salary every month, meaning there is nothing left over. He is suggesting that the OP goes back to work full time working from home at 3 months postpartum and also looks after their baby in breach of her employment contract.

He also doesn't pull his weight around the house.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but what do you think other women do? Plenty of women in senior "involved" roles take 9-12 months mat leave. And no, we can't always pick up where we left off at work after having a year off, but you do settle back in eventually. A company legally has to give you your job back or one on the same pay/conditions.

Of course they do, but we don't know what the OP's maternity entitlement is. If she's going to be on SMP it won't work because she is the main breadwinner.

@greyA What is your maternity pay like? Is there an enhanced maternity package that you missed out in because you hadn't been there long enough when you got pregnant?

Dump the lazy cocklodger and get a nanny

I agree on the black and white thinking. You are entitled to maternity leave so if you want to take it you should, your company has to offer it to you. Things like gym memberships aren't essential. Have a look at moneysavingexpert.com's money makeover to rehaul your finances. I have to say you DH does not sound like an ideal partner to be going into parenthood with, lazy around the house, terrible with money, flakey when it comes to stepping up on parental leave, with your kind of salary a nanny and going it alone should be possible.

Bin the DH, use any maintenance payments to cover a day nanny so you can do all the things you want to do when baby arrives.

He needs to step up and if he doesn't he is never going to step up and you will eventually burn out or explode with resentment.

Sorry that should say moneysavingexpert.com's Money Makeover

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