To expect OH to put my job first ?

[greyA]

Bit of back story, husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them. He earns around 38k. I was a career changer and in 3 years have gone from earning 20k to 80k. I work in a fast paced industry ( tech ) and whilst I do wfh and have reasonable flexibility, I take my job very seriously and I absolutely love it. Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills ) ( I also do the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking but that’s for another post ) I am currently expecting and previously we discussed OH taking some time off to look after baby so I could return to work after about 3 months and the plan was he’d be around and I’d do as much flexi working as I could ( possibly going down to a 4 day week or working some of my hours in the evenings) OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

I’ve read your updates and I think the first post was misleading - it’s not 50:50 and then you pay for luxuries. He is only paying £650 a month for everything, and still in his overdraft?! That’s a totally different situation.

I have a very supportive husband, totally shared finances, a partner in all ways. But when I had DC with him, I truly realised how alone you are as a mum to tiny baby. You are the only one having this baby, and you will have to figure out childcare and all of that. Of course your DH is technically equally responsible, but it doesn’t work like that in reality. Men can choose not to step up, and it looks like that’s his choice. Not a great surprise given his attitude towards his ex wife. So it’s on you, I’m sorry to say. What would you do if you were a single parent? That’s what you need to do.

Oh, absolutely. Like I said before, I wouldn't be married to him.

You can’t work from home unless you have full time child care support. And at 3 months baby is likely too small for a nursery or childminder although you might make it work if working from home.

So either:
a) you employ someone full some in your home (that would be my first choice, ideally someone who’d clean when the baby was asleep). Reality is that this will cost more than your DH earns but they will do a better job of cleaning than him.
b) one of you takes time off - if you don’t get paid beyond the statutory maternity pay it will have to the one who earns the least.

Mine started nursery at 3 months. Areas will differ of course but I found plenty of nurseries in my area from 3 months.

I’m amazed that anyone says they can’t live on 38,000 pa. My son and I live on around 20,000 quite comfortably.

Well it depends largely on how much your housing costs, doesn't it?

If you're on 38k you're taking home less than 30k per year after tax.

If you have a 400K mortgage on a 4.5% interest rate then your annual repayments are going to be not far off that, and that's before you've paid for utilities, council tax, other bills, food, transport etc.

How nice for you but different people have different mortgages and bills.

Your £20k would cover my nursery bill, council tax and most of my gas and electricity, though I’d get further in the red each month. Unfortunately I’d have nothing left for school wraparound, food, water, internet, toiletries, clothes, my car, buildings and contents insurance, TV licence, or my house. Even less if I wanted to contribute to a pension or have some rainy day savings or heaven forfend a Christmas present or two .

Ok, please don't plan on returning to work after 12 weeks, there's good reasons why civilised countries give 6-12 months paid maternity leave. You need time to rest, heal, get feeding established and just generally be with your baby. Plan on at least 6 months off.

Then consider part time nursery for baby, and reducing both your hours (if you both do 4 days a week your baby only needs nursery for 3 days a week, and you both get significant time caring for the baby.

You're bringing an entire human being into the world, they need more than just a full belly and a dry bottom, they need contact, communication, stimulation (not just a bouncy chair & a screen) interaction and so on. Babies rarely sleep when it's convenient, it's biologically normal for them to wake in the night for the first 2-3 years, and working full time is hard when you've had to re-settle a small person at 3am.

Resolve the domestic chore split. He needs to be doing 50%, and hiring a cleaner would be a good idea too.

We’re in this situation in terms of who earns more- except the numbers aren’t as high as yours (half each of your salaries and that’s us).

our DS is now 2. I took 6 months Mat leave, finished work the day before he was born. DH took months 6-9. Childcare kicked in then

DH was very up for it and knew I would have taken more if we could afford it but we couldnt, we needed my wage. However his mental health suffered a lot when he was off and he struggled with not working. If your DH is already voicing that he doesn’t want to do it then you can’t force him.

can’t you do a middle ground- you take 6 months and then both work full time after that. Baby in childcare (you may still be able to breastfeed as they start solids from 6m) and pay for a cleaner (wish we could do that!)

He's a lazy uninvolved husband and 'father' and possibly a bit dim if he thinks you can WFH and look after a baby. He wants you earning and doing all the domestics unsupported. You'll be better off in so many ways without his weight. He'll drag you down.

In fairness, this is what men have been enjoying for years. Why shouldn't you want that?

Your husband shouldn't have to stay at home to look after the baby.

£38k is more than enough to cover bills - cut your cloth to suit.

Or YOU stay at work and employ a nanny - £80k a year you should be easily able to do so.

Time to get in the real world OP.

Your husband earns a good wage - maybe appreciate that a bit more. Shouldn't matter if he wants to progress or work in a supermarket 🙄

This.

Housework should be split equally though, as should childcare outside of working time/ nursery hours.

You probably need to be putting a bit more into joint funds with the income disparity.

Neither of you can make the other one be a SAHP though.

Working from home whilst caring for a baby is not an option though- most work places don’t allow if for good reason. Why does your OH think he can get away with just working and nothing else when he’s the lower earner?

What the hell did I just read?

Err a few home truths 🤷‍♀️

He doesn't want to stay at home, his wage is more than enough to live on so she either takes a year career break or works and gets a nanny 🤷‍♀️

First world problems here.

They have an income of £118k 🤣

How long did he subsidise your life for when you were the lower earner? Important detail.

@diddl Five years OFF???? Is he fucking serious??

@greyA @SunRainStorm absolutely! This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. You’ll be resentful because you want to be at home with your baby for longer than a couple of months and because he’s not pulling his weight either financially or with the household chores and admin. And he’ll be resentful every week that you’re at home with the baby on mat leave because he thinks this is time off!!!! Unbelievable!! I think you need to have some serious discussions before this baby arrives because you’re keeping this show on
the road and without your salary it all goes to pot. Why can’t he step up and do more hours while you’re on leave?? Or alternatively, why can’t he take paternity leave after you go back if he thinks it’s so easy and equivalent to ‘time off’!!!!!

She has said his wages aren't enough to cover their bills. Why don't you believe her? Not everybody lives in a poky house in a cheap town for 3p a week, you know.

She also says that he wants her to go back to work full time at 3 months postpartum and also take care of their baby full time so he can continue to go to the office every day and sit around scratching his arse in his low stress job.

He clearly has no respect for what the OP's job actually involves (despite the fact that it is funding his lifestyle) and no respect for what looking after a new baby involves (which he left to his ex wife before and is planning to leave to the OP now).

This leaves the OP with little choice but to put her very young baby in full time childcare so she can continue to work, and to fund it herself, since he is clearly not going to.

Every day I read threads like this and I think, "How the fuck do these men get away with behaving like this?" and then I read replies like yours suggesting that women should be grateful for men who do the bare minimum, and I realise that the reason they get away with it is because so many women have absolutely no standards.

He didn't. When she was the lower earner he wanted everything split down the middle.

If you're having a baby you should both be prepared for all options: both working full time with childcare, both working Flexi/PT and juggling, or one of you working FT and the other taking full parental leave and then SAHP, PT and/or childcare.

However you should be pooling all of your money or paying bills proportionately, even more so if you expect him to reduce or give up work to care for your child just as he should for you.

You absolutely should not even attempt WFH and looking after a baby.

This. He’s not going to improve and he’s taking you for a fool.

@greyA You could go it alone. Have you considered this? It appears that you are bringing far more to this relationship than he is and I fear for the future as I feel he will grow more resentful as time passes and you will too. It doesn’t feel like a good solid equal relationship with equal sharing of finances and chores and you’re going to be left with trying to hold down a full time job with a baby and doing all the household stuff and life admin etc plus supporting him so that he can work part time and have time off. You will never have a minute off in this scenario!! I don’t see him stepping up and pitching in as an equal parent and I take a very dim
view of the fact that he was adamant he wanted to be a SAHP but has now reneged on his promise. He can’t be relied upon but wants you to support the whole family and do everything. Think carefully about this before you find yourself stuck in this situation.

YANBU X

Hi OP,

I work in tech too so get fast paced, different job in year etc etc….however the reality is you’ll be fine taking this time off. I had the exact same struggles you are. I had 10 months in the end and it has not stalled my career in anyway, if anything is advanced it as I was even more laser focused in decision making on my return and wondered how I was ever busy before as being a mum makes you very quickly learn how to juggle when you work in the industry we are in. You won’t lose your job, yes the industry is shifting extensively and lots of movement but there is also a lot of work. With that also comes opportunities.

Tech companies often get elevated Mat Pay. Have you considered that and how you can balance out your bills to make up the shortfall?

The reality is you cannot wfh with a baby. If he doesn’t want too either, you get a childminder or nursery. They’re the options you present him with, simple. If bills don’t permit you more time off then you remaining off isn’t negotiable. Can you not save up to ‘pay yourself’ behind the works policy though?