To expect OH to put my job first ?

[greyA]

Bit of back story, husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them. He earns around 38k. I was a career changer and in 3 years have gone from earning 20k to 80k. I work in a fast paced industry ( tech ) and whilst I do wfh and have reasonable flexibility, I take my job very seriously and I absolutely love it. Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills ) ( I also do the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking but that’s for another post ) I am currently expecting and previously we discussed OH taking some time off to look after baby so I could return to work after about 3 months and the plan was he’d be around and I’d do as much flexi working as I could ( possibly going down to a 4 day week or working some of my hours in the evenings) OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

Your husband sounds absolutely awful to be honest. Happy for you to already pay the larger share of the bills AND do all the housework but now he wants you to also look after a baby… while also still working and doing all the housework. His attitude towards his ex being a SAHM is gross and tells you an awful lot about his character tbh. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? He’s a nightmare.
As for the work thing, either you take maternity leave or you work and hire a nanny/look into nursery or a childminder. You cannot work full time with a baby in your sole care in the house for goodness sake.

Sorry OP but your DP sounds like a shite father and partner.

For many this would be unthinkable, so apologies if this offends, but I'm very pragmatic and in your situation would be having a termination and leaving him to find someone better suited.

The fact that he didnt want to share finances until you earned more and he thinks you can work with a newborn is ringing alarm bells.

You're going to end up doing everything whilst he does nothing but spends your money.

Also, what happens if you have a baby who is so disabled one of you has to stay home forever?

Again, not an uncommon situation. Most people have to use savings to plug the gap.

OP he sounds awful. But I've limited sympathy as you knew what you were getting into. His comments about his ex are disgusting. He clearly hasn't a bloody clue.

That being said, you've only been earning this amount for a very short time so I'm confused why you suddenly can't manage without it for even a short period. I would recommend you take the mat leave you want then have childcare sorted.

And get rid of this absolute loser.

I don't think you can insist he takes time off work anymore than he can insist you do. You'll need to put the baby in childcare, or get a nanny, and split the cost proportionally to your income.

Of course they do, but we don't know what the OP's maternity entitlement is. If she's going to be on SMP it won't work because she is the main breadwinner.

With an almost £120k household income and a small mortgage they should more than be able to afford for OP to take more than 3 months off even on SMP.

Does he have a lot of debt you don’t know about?

If you want to scare the willies out of yourself find a copy of "The Second Shift" by Arlie Hochschild (US sociologist from the 1980s) about the division of childcare and domestic labour in families where mother and father were both fulltime employed. She found couples where the women earned more and did most of the domestic work and childcare. And yes they had to use paid childcare.

I hate the idea of putting my tiny baby in childcare and loved the thought of OH being at home with baby and me getting to spend time with them both between working. It seemed like the best of both worlds.

But that's not what your DH wants. I'm sorry.

he spent all his time at work and she effectively got 5 years off with the kids

Time at home with small kids is not time off. And really he knows that, which is why he doesn't want to do it himself.

OP I was in a similar position as the main earner, is there any chance for you to save through your pregnancy to allow you to have more time off?

There is no way you'd be able to look after a baby at the same time as wfh. Obviously all babies are different but mine needed carrying around and entertaining constantly, and you'll want to get out of the house as well.

I got through a year off by saving enough to cover my share of the bills plus a little more for spending. Even if you could save a bit to get you through a couple of extra months that would help you massively.

Also beware of thinking you can pop in and out once you go back to work, even if your OH does end up taking some leave. You'd have to be careful during the initial part to split care of the baby with him otherwise it will likely still want you and cry for you when it knows you're home. My baby only wanted me for months.

I think you need to clarify what your maternity entitlement is at work and whether they will be holding your job open at all (sorry to raise that).

I would look at reducing by your outgoings now so you have some savings. Have your outgoings increased significantly since you were on £20k? I know cost of living has gone up ( a lot) but I mean in other ways.

Get your baby on a nursery / childminder waiting list now as they can be really long.

I would be seeing if you could take more than 3 months. There is no way you can wfh with a baby. Depending on the baby, you can be pretty hands on most of the day. I also wouldn’t think your employer would be keen for you to wfh with a baby and in fact may not allow it. I had to wfh during the pandemic with a then 2 year old and a 5 year old and it was a nightmare.

But they won’t have a £120k household income while she’s on SMP, they’ll have his £38k plus six weeks on 90% for her then £172 ish for 33 weeks then nothing. So £45-50k – not nothing, but a significant drop from £120k, especially when taking into account that three years ago OP was earning £20k, so she’s not had long to build up a savings pot, and her DH goes into his overdraft every month and presumably pays maintenance to his other children. Three months might well be it given her husband’s spending habits and attitude, unless she has enough savings to cover what she already covers – which is also unfair, because why should her savings be wiped out when it’s his baby too.

Have to agree with PP OP, I’m afraid DH sounds like a selfish misogynistic dickhead

you earn double what he does but also do all the domestic stuff as well & now he thinks on top of that you can wfh ft and look after the baby - what exactly will he be doing then?

does he see much of his other 2 DC?

All of this.

The OP shouldn't be wiping out her own savings to fund her maternity leave because her other half is a selfish, lazy dickhead who refuses to pull his weight either financially or otherwise.

She is going to need any savings she has for when she leaves him.

Most of that income is hers and would therefore vanish, and her other half contributes 650 quid a month and fritters the rest away on crap. Perhaps some on his other children. He isn't going to be able to plug the gap in their income. The only way she can do this is to save all her spare money now at the same time as subsidising her other half financially and then emptying her bank account by continuing to do that for as long as she is on maternity leave.

She's on a high salary but she can't afford to support both a baby and a cocklodger.

No one should be forced to be a SAHP. if you don't want to take the full mat leave that's fine - you aren't legally bound to. But it means that you and he will have to budget for, and arrange, paid childcare.

It doesn't surprise me that he thinks you can wfh and look after a baby - after all he leaves all the other home jobs to you. Kinda clear what kind of man he is - did you plan the pregnancy? I think you are fooling yourself if you think an unhelpful man will suddenly "step up".

OH has 2 older kids from previous relationship and was very resentful towards his ex that he spent all his time at work and she effectively got 5 years off with the kids and he was always adamant he wanted to do it differently this time.

This bit seemed a red flag to me if I’m honest. He was resentful that he spent all his time at work while ex got 5 years off with the kids. Now he’s offered the opportunity and he doesn’t want it. I get the feeling that he may be a nasty resentful type who always feels hard find to even when sailing through life with a sahp doing all the hard graft with the kids and home, or a provider who makes it easy for him to cruise through life without worrying financially but still has to do all the hard graft with the kids and home.

*hard done to

If you want to take a year off, and can afford to do it, then do it.

Does he at least do all the labour for his existing kids when he has them?

Why are you with this man? Nothing depresses me more on mumsnet than reading about fine capable women being servants to dick heads. Id sooner go it alone with my baby.

This is a hard one. I totally understand not wanting to put a tiny baby in nursery. Would he not take the parental leave for 3 months after your initial 3 months off? That way you could sell it to him as a sort of extended holiday from work. If not could you take 6 months off. You could then have keeping in touch days for the last 3 months were you would do 1 day a week if DP could have 1 day off a week and then continue this when you go back. You could then go back 4 days and baby would just be in nursery for 3 days.

That's so tough he has changed his mind and so changed the plan. Have you had a good look into your maternity leave policy?

There is no way you can look after a baby when you’re working, he must be mad. You need to sit down together, look at the options for childcare snd consider the financial consequences. Hopefully he will compromise when faced with the numbers but I’m afraid it’s not really reasonable to expect him to give up work just because he earns less, although practically that might be the best option.

Look at your legal rights. Maternity leave is an area where women have quite a lot of rights.

Both of you can go part time. You can use child care/ nanny to cover the rest.

I think you also need to be realistic about the type of baby you may have. Mine screamed solidly from 9 to 2am every night, then woke every hour after that. I had to hold him for about 30 mins after every feed as he had reflux, meaning I did not really get to sleep by the time he woke again. This continued for seven months when he dropped to waking several times a night. There is no way I could have gone back to work early. I didn’t go back for 14 months. They were exhausting months.

if you have a poor sleeper you may not be able to return to work early.

I would not work at home with a baby. Especially if you have an unsettled refluxy screamer like mine. It’s also stressful for the SAHP who feels the pressure of keeping things quiet and the baby, especially when they are mobile, out of the way. Your dream of happy working at home with a quiet, cute baby to cuddle in TRA breaks whilst your loving H looks on adoringly, is unlikely to come true.

Book your childcare now - you can't wfh with a small baby. Mine didnt sleep through until 18months!