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AIBU?

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Original poster

daughter's friend basically lives with us and I want her to stop

155 replies

Maybeitsmavis · 28/09/2023 13:55

DD moved to a new school this year and luckily has settled well, but she has recently made friends with a girl who I'll call G. G is very polite but also incredibly shy and apologetic to the point where it makes me slightly worried. G and my daughter have become very close and while I like that my daughter has such a close friend G spends almost all of her time at our house, to the point where she sleeps over often and showers here. G doesn't ask for anything but I have also been washing her clothes as a few times her clothes have been quite dirty, which worries me about her home situation and whether or not her parents are doing a good job.

As polite as G is, we are not incredibly well off and having another person in the house is costing me more. I want to bring it up to DD and G but I have no idea how and I don't want G to think I dislike her because I don't.

OP posts:
PenelopeTheShroudWeaver · 28/09/2023 13:57

How old are your DD and her friend?

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2023 13:59

This is a matter for the school's safeguarding lead. Do not bring it up with your DD, except to ask if she's met G's parents etc, just chit chat. Absolutely don't bring it up to G, this needs someone trained in non leading questions and who won't get her to clam up more.

SpaceRaiders · 28/09/2023 14:00

I think it’s worth speaking to school safeguarding. Do her parents even know where she is? From what you say it doesn’t sound like G has a good home life. That being said, I’d not raise my concerns with her directly, I’d rather she was staying in my home than wherever she would otherwise be. Speak to school in the first instance.

Changethenamey · 28/09/2023 14:02

Tough one… if she is happier with you I would find it extremely hard to make her leave if you have suspicions about her home life. What has your DD said about it, has she been to this child’s house? how old are they?

My DD had a friendship with a girl I wasn’t particularly fond of and originally was finding excuses for her not to stay.. however I then found out her parents were divorcing and her home wasn’t particularly happy. I welcomed her to our house every time, and let her stay as long as she liked. Things have settled now and I don’t see her as much but I’m glad she felt comfortable here during a rough time in her life.

Hufflepods · 28/09/2023 14:06

What age is your DD? Surely its down to you as a parent to set the rules for sleepovers? Weird that you don't feel able to bring it up to your daughter!

It sounds like the girl has a pretty awful bordering on neglectful home life. I can't imagine having an extra child there in the evening is really costing you that much, but obviously if things are that tight for you then you are allowed to limit how much friends are hosted.

KitsyWitsy · 28/09/2023 14:07

I would do all I can for the girl personally. She sounds like she’s not a nuisance just there. I’d do her washing and mother her a bit but that’s me. I’m a caring person.

Hufflepods · 28/09/2023 14:07

I also just seen that your daughter has only just moved school. It's still September! How can she possibly 'basically be living' with you?

MissingMoominMamma · 28/09/2023 14:09

Hufflepods · 28/09/2023 14:07

I also just seen that your daughter has only just moved school. It's still September! How can she possibly 'basically be living' with you?

She might have moved earlier in the year.

towriteyoumustlive · 28/09/2023 14:09

How old is the girl?

This is something that you need to log as a concern with your local safeguarding team as it is a potential sign of neglect.

Have you met her parent(s)?

You could perhaps invite them round one weekend (with G) so you could meet them? Or perhaps ask G some questions about her parents?

I'd also perhaps contact the school regarding the safeguarding front just to log it, as they might have already flagged up concerns, and the more concerns that get flagged up, the more chance of help being put in place for the family.

GingerIsBest · 28/09/2023 14:11

Assuming this girl is not 17, I always think brisk practicality is the way forward here. this is a child in you house, so you should be able to talk to her like you would to your own children.

"Right G, don't you think it's time to get going now - are your parents expecting you? Should I give you a lift?"
"I washed your jeans becuase you left them here last week but can you ask your mum to do it next time".

Or ask her questions about her life and her family. I never understand why people are so hesitant to do this. And in this case, if you sense there's a problem, ask her.

Moveoverdarlin · 28/09/2023 14:13

I see loads of threads on here about teenagers who have mates that just seem to set up camp in their homes and spend all their time there. That would drive me mad, I want to come home to my house, not wash other people’s kid’s clothes or have them there on Saturday mornings. I would start controlling it by saying to your daughter ‘right G can’t come over on Friday as I was going to buy a takeaway and have a nice family evening. She can come after school on Weds though’. Next week say: ‘Right G, we’ve got to nip out and visit DD’s Granny, you ok to walk home?’ See you on the weekend maybe?

Owjrbvr · 28/09/2023 14:16

How old are they? Part of me feels that there’s something wrong at home for this girl so I’d want to help as much as possible but if it’s making life hard for you and you don’t think it’s right for your DD then I don’t think it’s a bad thing to say that sleepovers need to be limited and she goes home at a certain time. You can frame it any way you want but I’d address it with your DD and not the girl. You could just say that you want them to concentrate on school work and have time as a family

howtowriteahaiku · 28/09/2023 14:16

Can’t you just talk to her daughter and ask her if she knows anything about her friend’s home life? Ask her why she’s staying over so often?
if her home life is neglectful or otherwise challenging, you could be making a huge difference in her life by opening up your home to her. But if things are ok at home, you could come up with a boundary (for example 2 sleepovers a week) and stick to it. “We love having you over, but just need to be careful of our budget at the moment /want dd to focus on her homework.”
And if things are bad at her home, which they probably are from the sounds of it, it’s a chance to have a big impact on someone. Could you cook lower budget meals when she’s there to cover the cost of an extra person? If you throw a couple bits of her clothing in the washing machine with the others, it’s really mainly the food costing you extra. If you’re worried about hot water maybe instigate a 5 minute shower rule. If I were you, I’d want to make it work with my budget so I could offer support to this young person - God knows what’s going on with her.

BrawnWild · 28/09/2023 14:18

The other problem with stopping her is that they might go to Gs house. are you happy with that?

Safxxx · 28/09/2023 14:22

You need to find out more about her, my teenage daughter has sleep overs and invites her friend over every other day, or she will go her house, I make sure she's fed before she leaves...and my daughter does eat at her house too...I know her parents and where they live, and any problems I know who to contact as I have her friends mum's number..
It concerns me that you have no info and the amount of time she spends with you, aren't her parents bothered?

Mariposista · 28/09/2023 14:25

YANBU OP. If the girls want to come round after school and do homework, watch a bit of TV etc, I don't see the problem, but everyone should be in their own home by dinner time, and shouldn't be using someone else's washing/shower/sleeping facilities. You are not running a B&B.

ManateeFair · 28/09/2023 14:30

I see loads of threads on here about teenagers who have mates that just seem to set up camp in their homes and spend all their time there. That would drive me mad, I want to come home to my house, not wash other people’s kid’s clothes or have them there on Saturday mornings

I think there's a big difference between your kid's friend just constantly hanging out at your house because they can, and a situation like the OP's where she is concerned about the child's welfare at home. If she regularly has dirty clothes and is very nervous and apologetic and scared all the time, and her parents are apparently not bothered/worried about her never being at home, I would be really worried about that child.

OP, can you have a chat with your daughter about G's home life? Have you ever met G's parents/family? I think G is probably not going to respond well to being quizzed about her situation if she is being abused/neglected at home, but she may have confided or hinted to your daughter about the kinds of things that go on in her own home. She may have sworn your daughter to secrecy, but I think you need to have a chat with your daughter and explain that it's serious if there's something wrong and she needs to tell you.

Another possibility: is there a chance that G and your daughter are actually a couple rather than friends? Because I'm wondering if G's parents have discovered this to be the case and reacted badly/homophobically.

MariePaperRoses · 28/09/2023 14:31

You say, "From now on on you can stay over x night only. Im not running an unpaid boarding house."

Momtotwokids · 28/09/2023 14:32

I don't think you are being unkind like someone has said but you can't afford to feed another child.

AlohaRose · 28/09/2023 14:33

When this girl first asked (announced?) she was staying over, did you not ask to check with her parents? Assuming not, I think it's time for you to get their number and say that you would like to check that they are happy with her being at yours so often.

Has your dd ever been to their house?

I'm not sure about safeguarding at this point - surely the first thing school are going to ask is if you have spoken with her family and you will have to admit that you haven't even tried or know if there is a problem?

BumWad · 28/09/2023 14:38

There was a similar thread to this the other week. It just seems strange and I don’t understand this happening in real life really 😵‍💫

DelightfullyDotty · 28/09/2023 14:41

Poor girl. I’d suggest being kind to her…you’re providing some stability for her and you could make a big difference to her life. I’m sure she can’t be costing that much and in the end you’ll feel better about yourself.

Hufflepods · 28/09/2023 14:43

@BumWad There was a similar thread to this the other week. It just seems strange and I don’t understand this happening in real life really 😵‍💫

You don't understand a child with an abusive or neglectful home life limiting their time at home as much as possible? You must live a very sheltered life.

Sunshinenrain · 28/09/2023 14:43

Speak to DD and tell her that no friends are allowed to sleep over during the week.

How old is your DD?
I think you need to come up with a plan of only allowing friends around on set days.

truthhurts23 · 28/09/2023 14:46

I would just put up with it

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