daughter's friend basically lives with us and I want her to stop

[Maybeitsmavis]

DD moved to a new school this year and luckily has settled well, but she has recently made friends with a girl who I'll call G. G is very polite but also incredibly shy and apologetic to the point where it makes me slightly worried. G and my daughter have become very close and while I like that my daughter has such a close friend G spends almost all of her time at our house, to the point where she sleeps over often and showers here. G doesn't ask for anything but I have also been washing her clothes as a few times her clothes have been quite dirty, which worries me about her home situation and whether or not her parents are doing a good job.

As polite as G is, we are not incredibly well off and having another person in the house is costing me more. I want to bring it up to DD and G but I have no idea how and I don't want G to think I dislike her because I don't.

My home, my rules I'm the adult so I make the decisions.
Speak to the school and let them take the matter in hand. DD can arrange hang out time at yours on pre set days, and no more.
You shouldn't be mopping up other peoples problems and letting social services off the hook. They will be less inclined to do anything if G is 'basically living' with us.

I think YABVU you are entitled to want your home back but at least find out what has led to you having to wash the poor girls clothes. Could you speak with her parents for a light chat? Get your DD to find out about her friends home life?

Unless the girl was taking the piss I would wash the girls clothes! Poor thing.

Thats awful.
However it wasn't your friend's mum at fault but your parents.
My home life wasn't great but I had siblings and we sort of made the best of it. I left home at 18 though.

The reasons she’s practically living at your house is because you let her. @Sunshinenrain advice about no friends during the week is good.

if you gave concerns about her, speak to the school.

I don't understand why posters are saying that the OP is being unreasonable?

This child is not the OP's responsibility and the OP has already said she isn't particularly well off.

However I would speak to the school/ Safeguarding team and address my concerns to them and to ensure the wellbeing and safety of the child.

Obviously there

Yes, I was going to say this. If G spends such a lot of time at your house, when does your daughter get some time to herself to do homework / music practice? If she wants another friend to come over or to go to another friend’s house, does that cause a problem?

MN is a funny place. There are loads of people on here who won’t answer their front door but then will tell someone else that, really, they should allow another kid to move into their house.

Have you met the girls parents or been to her house? If yes, what is your opinion of the set up

I would have a conversation with your daughter ( tell her the conversation is not to be repeated to her friend) and tell her about it costing you more money, you can’t relax fully when ye have visitors in the house and that her friend should be at home in her own home on school nights but Friday nights are ok to have her over to stay.
I personally rarely slept over at friends houses when I was that age and would have preferred to be at home in my own bed.

People saying speak to the school… what do you think will happen?

School might put a safeguarding referral in (which OP could do herself). This may or may not be deemed worth investigating by SS. Even with investigation, neglect would have to be pretty terrible for any action to be taken.

Possible outcomes:

• Nothing happens but DD’s friend feels uncomfortable coming to your home, spends more time in whatever the home situation is. DD possibly loses a friend.
• SS investigate, parents offered Early Help - possible improvement, but they could decline.
• SS investigate, DD’s friend goes on CIN plan. Possible improvement.
• SS investigate, serious neglect/abuse is uncovered and DD’s friend is taken into care. Potentially in a different area.

Why on earth wouldn’t you speak to the child and find out what is going on first?

When my DCs were young we frequently had other children staying over. We had the space and I enjoyed having them, however it’s very different if it’s starting to look more permanent.
I don’t know what I’d do.

@asosStalker exactly! OP doesn't have enough info. My mum would always ask about my friends... if they came to our house for the day never mind stay over constantly in OPs case. Just ask what her parents do, if they work late shifts and if she has siblings and so on.

You can't report anything without some background info

I was G too. But not many over nights with friends but I started staying out from 14 and left entirely at 15.
I still call my friends mum, Mum when I see her. In fact I was lucky, I had 4 I could and do call Mum. All looked out for me and cared for me until I left.
I hope there's nothing truly awful happening happening for this kid.
Can you have an honest conversation with your daughter?

Aw for god's sake, the poor soul. Good for you, providing a bit of comfort and safety x

*two choices. help or report to school.
But and it's a big but..can you put yourself in her shoes? personally I'd let her stay, but I'm a firm believer in paying forward, and sparing a little love and kindness, it's a good thing.

Those are not the only choices, bully stepping in you aren’t playing the long game at all. You have a child you are caring for to the extent of washing her clothes and feeding her. This means her parents can continue to be neglectful but to the outside world she is being neglected and could be in quite some eager later on.

You need to report this to the school. Keep a note of dates and times she comes, stays over, showers and you wash her clothes.

At the moment you really aren’t doing her any favours: The next school meeting will report she’s clean and fed. The reality is somewhat different.

Exactly this. As someone who spent years being fairly controlled by a best friend who needed extra support but who also stopped me from having other friendships or my own interests, this whole thing rings alarm bells for me.

Why do you feel the need to keep checking on them? They're 14.

Do you think they might be more than friends?

Be wary of it restricting your own daughters friendships I agree.

However I’d try to be welcome to her being there whilst having curious conversations with her. Don’t alienate her otherwise she might seek the company of less positive influences eg older men just so she isn’t at home.

I'm going to ask mums net to confirm the realities of social Services ..what happened when your parents were reported? do you really think reporting to school propels them to a wonderful world?? `you think children who are flagged aren't punished when their parents aren't found guilty?? (because abuse can be hidden)
I think PP knows nothing about actual abuse.

I don't understand this. If my kid came home with a random child I'd ask to speak to the parents before I agreed to a sleepover. If it's inconvenient phone parents to ask them to collect their child or drop off. If you have safeguarding concerns speak to school as a priority. I wouldn't just agree to the kid sleeping over and would make my own child aware of that. It's not just a cost thing that would bother me (what's one more) but the taking responsibility and not being able to relax in the same way.

I think PP knows nothing about actual abuse

What reporting does is give the YP a voice. Someone to speak to, someone who checks up on them. A friendly adult face who can help them with whatever their need is. Give them some Leeway for homework or trips etc - a child in need is a thing in schools!

Or we could bury it under the carpet and pretend we are keeping the girl on track at the same time relieved we know where our own child is.

Talk about double standards

This. We had an open house. I’d come home to find assorted children, not mine in the house.

Some were there just as friends, some there because their parents were arses. Some with LGBT+ issues at home.

Some just for tea, some slept over on occasions.

It also meant, as a bonus, that we knew where our children were, who their friends were etc.

It’d be nice if you had some monetary help for food.

We still have an open house - but not my, now adult children’s friends but a Ukranian family.

As for getting in touch with school - not sure. It’s an out of school issue. If I had serious worries then social services?

I seem to be in the minority based on replies but I think This is pretty normal for teen girls!! I used to spend loads of time at my friends houses and vice versa. Staying over etc. Peas in pods!! What I do find strange is you don’t seem to know her parents hardly at all - my parents knew my BFFs parents, not really well but had phone numbers certainly and would be in contact regarding where we were and who was eating or sleeping where!! I think you’re well overdue meeting her parents. Id be popping to the front door next time you drop her off. Xx

I‘d gently ask DD about G - has she been round to G‘s, why G is not spending time at home, does G. need help with home. We had a girl in our friendship group at about that age (actually 13) who had been kicked out of what had long been an unstable home environment. We all knew, our parents didn’t. Another friend unofficially took her in before she went into care. Once you know what’s going on you can decide to what extent you‘re willing and able to support G. A safe space to be and someone to wash your clothes is a godsend in that sort of situation.

If there is an unsafe situation causing her to be spending so much time away from home, at some point someone official will need to get involved to get G. the resources she needs.The school safeguarding team sounds like a good start. But see if you can find out what’s going on first and consider any role you‘d be able and willing to play in supporting her accordingly.

keepthetempo yes this was my experience too, I had a slightly older friend who was domineering and controlling. She was also quite a bad influence at times, I could have ended up in trouble here and there but was very lucky. I would be wary of any domestic situation like this with my kids, and wouldn't want even want a nice teen becoming so reliant on me and my family, it's a big responsibility that will only increase as time goes and that's without considering the financial cost. I would think if there is a definitely an issue with her homelife, it is better to seek professional input and support for her sooner rather than later.

OP: the child is apologising all the time. This is red flag. Children tend to do this as a result of meeting with harsh disapproval for the smallest transgressions (or maybe not even that!) from their caregivers at home. She had dirty clothes and isn’t being looked after properly at home. She wants to be at your house all the time as she feels more cared for and safer there.

These signals are massive safeguarding issues.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/neglect#article-top

Your daughter’s relationship with this girl is through school so, as others have said, contact the school’s safeguarding lead and discuss your concerns.

actually, @KitsyWitsy, you're rather unpleasant