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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

daughter's friend basically lives with us and I want her to stop

155 replies

Maybeitsmavis · 28/09/2023 13:55

DD moved to a new school this year and luckily has settled well, but she has recently made friends with a girl who I'll call G. G is very polite but also incredibly shy and apologetic to the point where it makes me slightly worried. G and my daughter have become very close and while I like that my daughter has such a close friend G spends almost all of her time at our house, to the point where she sleeps over often and showers here. G doesn't ask for anything but I have also been washing her clothes as a few times her clothes have been quite dirty, which worries me about her home situation and whether or not her parents are doing a good job.

As polite as G is, we are not incredibly well off and having another person in the house is costing me more. I want to bring it up to DD and G but I have no idea how and I don't want G to think I dislike her because I don't.

OP posts:
Nagado · 28/09/2023 15:59

I think that if you suspect any element of abuse then the absolute worst possible thing you can do is speak to her parents because their first reaction is going to be ensuring that their daughter doesn’t disclose anything to anyone.

I think my first port of call would be to the school’s Safeguarding Team and/or the NSPCC for advice on how to approach the situation.

Personally, I’d be happy to have her there as much as she wanted to be. I remember as a child that our house was the one where it was ok to come if you hadn’t eaten or had nowhere to go. My best friend lived with us for a year when we were doing our GCSEs because she had a horrible home life. We didn’t have any money at all, but just stretched things out.

Spacemoon · 28/09/2023 16:00

How old are DD and friend OP? That makes a big difference how you handle this. Assuming from her staying over and you not being in contact with the parents that they are teens?

I had a friend who would always stay over 2-3 times a week when we were about 15. We were really close mates and although she wasn't being neglected or abused, her home life wasn't the best. She saw our house as a happy relaxed environment where she could be herself. She was much happier at ours than at home. My parents took her under their wing and treated her like one of their own kids. She's still pretty close to my parents to this day (some 15/20 years on!). Of course the girl in your post also appears to have potential signs of neglect, which is this is something you genuinely suspect - you absolutely need to address it with the schools safeguarding lead. It could be nothing, but it could be something that needs to be checked out.

Also, another possibility (assuming they are teens age and not younger kids)...are you sure they are just friends?

Crikeyisthatthetime · 28/09/2023 16:03

Please don't approach the girl's parents. You could make her life a lot more difficult.

Caplin · 28/09/2023 16:05

BumWad · 28/09/2023 14:38

There was a similar thread to this the other week. It just seems strange and I don’t understand this happening in real life really 😵‍💫

Really? When I was at high school both me and my sister had friends who had not nice home lives. The fed our friends, took them on hols, had them round on Christmas Day. We had a very open, welcoming house which was warm, with lots of food. People felt safe there. That was about 30 years ago, and even now my daughter has a couple of friends who have pretty terrible home set ups and I am determined they can feel safe and be fed at mine.

Atticustheaardvark · 28/09/2023 16:16

Caplin · 28/09/2023 16:05

Really? When I was at high school both me and my sister had friends who had not nice home lives. The fed our friends, took them on hols, had them round on Christmas Day. We had a very open, welcoming house which was warm, with lots of food. People felt safe there. That was about 30 years ago, and even now my daughter has a couple of friends who have pretty terrible home set ups and I am determined they can feel safe and be fed at mine.

Show quote history

@Caplin what a lovely ethos you have, we need more Caplins!

AdoraBell · 28/09/2023 16:19

I agree speaking to the school rather than the friend or your DD.

Growing up my DSis basically lived by rotating through her friends from age 14. School weren’t bothered, in the ‘70’s, because it was a rough school and she was still attending.

Autumnwreaths23 · 28/09/2023 16:20

It depends on the age as to how you handle it.
I'm assuming older than primary school age as you would be in contact with her parents.

When you say her clothes are dirty, in what way? As in they haven't been washed for days and smell bad? Or food on her shirt from today's lunch?

Maybe start by having a chat with the girl to try to gauge her home life without being too invasive/ obvious.

Being polite and apologetic doesn't signal a problem in itself, unless she seems afraid or overly anxious.

It could just be that she and her parents assume you are happy for her to stay over unless you tell them otherwise.

It's a difficult one, but if you are concerned I would mention it to the school welfare officer/ safeguarding team.
From what you have said in your post I wouldn't be over concerned, but obviously I'm not there and don't know the extent of the dirty clothes etc.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 28/09/2023 16:37

KitsyWitsy · 28/09/2023 14:07

I would do all I can for the girl personally. She sounds like she’s not a nuisance just there. I’d do her washing and mother her a bit but that’s me. I’m a caring person.

That's a bit unkind.

We don't know that the OP is not 'caring'. In fact, she sounds caring. And she's not being U not to want another child living with them, and the associated costs.

Original poster
Maybeitsmavis · 28/09/2023 16:51

SapphosRock · 28/09/2023 14:58

We can't say until we know their age. If the kid is 8 then it's worrying if she's 17 less so.

They are both 14

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybeitsmavis · 28/09/2023 16:53

KitsyWitsy · 28/09/2023 14:07

I would do all I can for the girl personally. She sounds like she’s not a nuisance just there. I’d do her washing and mother her a bit but that’s me. I’m a caring person.

She isn't a nuisance but it's also hard to relax and feel fully comfortable when there's someone else's child in my house. I feel like I have to keep checking on them and it's a little draining, so there's no need to be passive aggressive.

OP posts:
icallitasplodge · 28/09/2023 16:54

I’d let her stay.

also consider you know where your 14 year old daughter is if she’s safe at home with this friend. My friends mum had an open house policy. Must have driven her mad, my own (neglectful) mum said. Except it didn’t as she knew all her sons friends really well, was able to vet them, and know where her teenager was instead of having him out on the street or at god knows who else’s house.

think long game

GrazingSheep · 28/09/2023 16:57

I would not let this continue.
Speak to the school and let them know what is going on.

Tracker1234 · 28/09/2023 16:57

Kitsy - that is a bit rude to indicte that the OP is not caring whereas you are..

grass67 · 28/09/2023 16:59

In my experience good parents don't allow their 14 year old to do this... if they haven't struck up a relationship with you..that speaks volumes 😢 has your daughter been to their home? I think this is a read between the lines situation. the child is wearing dirty clothes, her parents let her stay without reaching out... two choices. help or report to school.
But and it's a big but..can you put yourself in her shoes? personally I'd let her stay, but I'm a firm believer in paying forward, and sparing a little love and kindness, it's a good thing. My house was always open to the children's friends.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 28/09/2023 17:01

I'd want to be sure G. being there so much isn't restricting DD 's freedom to develop other friendships. Does she have other friends whom she sees and goes out with, or is it just G. all the time? Would DD feel able to speak up, to you or G., if it was getting a bit much?

caringcarer · 28/09/2023 17:01

KitsyWitsy · 28/09/2023 14:07

I would do all I can for the girl personally. She sounds like she’s not a nuisance just there. I’d do her washing and mother her a bit but that’s me. I’m a caring person.

My Mum did this for my younger sisters friend. She had 2 parents but when they got divorced none of them wanted to keep the 3 DC. The mother was very depressed and could not cope. SS stepped in and the DC went to foster care but the younger 2 went together as Nd my sister's friend was 11 and had to go on her own. She stayed in same school and my Mum fed her after she did a club after school with my sister twice a week and she was always there but she was well behaved and always grateful for a meal. Years later when Mum died I saw her at her funeral and I spoke with her and she said my Mum was always so kind to her when her own parents were not.

easylikeasundaymorn · 28/09/2023 17:07

Hufflepods · 28/09/2023 14:07

I also just seen that your daughter has only just moved school. It's still September! How can she possibly 'basically be living' with you?

  1. op said dd moved at the start of the year, not necessarily the start of the school year
  2. not everyone on MN lives in England - Scottish schools have been back 7 weeks, other countries school year runs from Jan, etc.
  3. why feel the need to pick holes if it doesn't actually make any difference to what OP is asking?
PizzaPizzaYumYum · 28/09/2023 17:07

Speak to / email the Designated Safeguarding lead at their school (DSL details should be on the Safeguarding policy on the website. Don't speak to her parents because you may make the situation worse if there is abuse going on, or they may stop her coming to your house if they think you are 'interfering'. Talking to G about it or making her feel unwelcome will just push the problem away, and not solve anything. If G feels uncomfortable with you, your DD might start to spend more time with her away from your influence in an unsafe situation. The DSL will unfortunately have dealt with this situation before and may even know other background about F's family situation which you don't. They can ask non-leading questions in a way which will hopefully lead to a resolution.

letmesailletmesail · 28/09/2023 17:09

My DD is 14 and there's no way I'd let her do it or let it happen; nor would DD want it to happen. Which suggests there's something up in your DD's friend's home life. But that's not your problem to sort out. I'd raise it with the school. They won't be able to say anything to you but they can step in and keep an eye on her in a way you can't. If you want to invite her over and offer her some support, you can.

AbraKedavra · 28/09/2023 17:14

KitsyWitsy · 28/09/2023 14:07

I would do all I can for the girl personally. She sounds like she’s not a nuisance just there. I’d do her washing and mother her a bit but that’s me. I’m a caring person.

Well aren't you amazing. Perhaps we should all do something, I don't know maybe like come out on our doorsteps every Thursday night and clap, just to celebrate you kindness.

EmmaOvary · 28/09/2023 17:20

A different point of view, at 14/15/16, I was the friend who was always there. I’d spend as much time as possible at my best friend’s house because home was so utterly unbearable. I was that ‘extremely polite, shy teenager’ and I was just trying to escape danger and find sanctuary. My best friend’s mum wasn’t too happy with it and I was eventually made to feel unwelcome. It made me feel like utter shit, TBH. And no, nobody altered our school. I was always wearing dirty clothes that were often too small, as well.

Princesspollyyy · 28/09/2023 17:24

I am the same and I wouldn't feel fully comfortable with someone else's child in my house. I agree with reporting to safeguarding at the school.

Also, it is worth bearing in mind that your own daughter may get fed up of her friend being around all the time. Sure she enjoys it now, but she might not always, and may find it difficult to tell her friend to go home.

PeopleAreWeird · 28/09/2023 17:24

Do not question G

Ask your daughter things when she is alone

Shinyandnew1 · 28/09/2023 17:26

I’d be telling your daughter it was all too much and was getting expensive and a bit intrusive. Find out if your daughter actually likes having her over, if she does-say you can have her to stay one night a week or fortnight-that’s plenty.

PrincessScarlett · 28/09/2023 17:26

Have you ever met or spoken to G's parents? If G is practically living with you then there is a reason she doesn't want to be at home. Do her parents even know where she is or ever come to collect her? Has your DD ever been to G's house?

Personally I would have a gentle word with G. Asking if her parents know where she is staying and let her know that if she ever wants advice or a chat you are there for her. The dirty clothes and wanting to shower at yours indicates to me that there may be neglect going on at the very least. Particularly if you've never met or spoken with her parents.

G obviously feels safe at your house. It's concerning that she doesn't feel safe at her own house.

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