daughter's friend basically lives with us and I want her to stop

[Maybeitsmavis]

DD moved to a new school this year and luckily has settled well, but she has recently made friends with a girl who I'll call G. G is very polite but also incredibly shy and apologetic to the point where it makes me slightly worried. G and my daughter have become very close and while I like that my daughter has such a close friend G spends almost all of her time at our house, to the point where she sleeps over often and showers here. G doesn't ask for anything but I have also been washing her clothes as a few times her clothes have been quite dirty, which worries me about her home situation and whether or not her parents are doing a good job.

As polite as G is, we are not incredibly well off and having another person in the house is costing me more. I want to bring it up to DD and G but I have no idea how and I don't want G to think I dislike her because I don't.

Foster care is hit and miss about being skilled and definitely NOT well paid...

OP I was this kid. The kindness of my friends parents saved me from a lot worse than I experienced. We are still family to this day. They lost their business and had their house repossessed in the time I was 'living' with them. They were my Harbour in a stormy sea and never ever asked questions just provided a safe haven.

Whilst I assume they were naturally inclined to nurture and you are not obliged to do this, a little compassion makes a HUGE difference.

Yes safeguarding processes are set up but frankly they don't work as well as kind loving care from an adult who shows up.

What you are or have been offering is possibly better than what could be offered. The system is so hit and miss and the romatisicing by some posters of this being the answer to all is just not true.

The outcomes for children in contact with the care system are well documented.

Luckily for me my foster placements always had my friends him as back up.

You have to do what is right for you, you know you capacity and limit of grace better than anyone else but I just wanted to address the building belief that systems help. They often don't.

Show some curiosity, connection and compassion from her perspective then make a call.

Just to add children/young people are always the most vulnerable and least powerful. You may not have asked for this but you now have an opportunity to support in some way. She trusts you or at least needs you. You just need to decide whether you can lean into that.

As polite as G is, we are not incredibly well off and having another person in the house is costing me more.

I don’t blame you-I couldn’t afford to feed another person. Did you have a chat to your DD, @Maybeitsmavis ? I’d be saying one sleepover a week is plenty. Is she staying over on school nights? Considering this is only 4 weeks into your daughter’s time at this school/knowing this friend, it is very intense and I think it’s entirely reasonable to want to take a step back here.

tiredinoratia · Today 14:05

Just to add children/young people are always the most vulnerable and least powerful. You may not have asked for this but you now have an opportunity to support in some way. She trusts you or at least needs you. You just need to decide whether you can lean into that.

But OP has done so much already and the whole point of this thread is that she feels she cannot go on. I'm sorry, but comments like this are really unfair - guilt-tripping someone who's already done a lot into continuing.

I've been in this position myself a few times (not in such a crucial way) where I've done something to help someone for a while and then, when things aren't working for me any more, others (who aren't doing anything themselves!) go all pious and 'caring' and try to guilt me into continuing. Yes, very convenient for them, I'm sure! And they can pat themselves on the back for doing so. It's just virtue signalling if you're not putting yourself out, though, isn't it?

OP has a right to say 'enough'. And anyway, this whole situation sounds really unhealthy for her own family and particularly her daughter. Families need time to themselves. This girl may need intervention, but it's not the responsibility of OP to foster her. Grrrrr.

I completely accept that. Hence the points I made in my posts about her knowing what she can and cant manage or even want to do. It's her call but the rose tinted spectacle view of other posters about foster care isn't true. Granted my post confused these points.