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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

daughter's friend basically lives with us and I want her to stop

155 replies

Maybeitsmavis · 28/09/2023 13:55

DD moved to a new school this year and luckily has settled well, but she has recently made friends with a girl who I'll call G. G is very polite but also incredibly shy and apologetic to the point where it makes me slightly worried. G and my daughter have become very close and while I like that my daughter has such a close friend G spends almost all of her time at our house, to the point where she sleeps over often and showers here. G doesn't ask for anything but I have also been washing her clothes as a few times her clothes have been quite dirty, which worries me about her home situation and whether or not her parents are doing a good job.

As polite as G is, we are not incredibly well off and having another person in the house is costing me more. I want to bring it up to DD and G but I have no idea how and I don't want G to think I dislike her because I don't.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 28/09/2023 18:47

Surely you just tell your dd 'we're having lunch now, G needs to set off home now'

And email the school safeguarding team to say it may be nothing but you have concerns re neglect for this child.

You don't need to be rude, just set boundaries. Eg I was always happy if they are the cheap biscuits or had toast etc. but I only invited friends round for a Meal/sleepover when arranged

MummyJ36 · 28/09/2023 18:52

Do you know anything about this girls family life OP? If you ask her about mum/dad/siblings etc does she offer up any info? I feel very sorry for her but I do understand your awkward position too. Could you speak to DD and ask if she knows much about what is going on at home with her friend as she seems to be spending a lot of time at your house? If money is really really tight you may need to explain to DD that while her friend is welcome you cannot make extra food for her. If you have a little to spare I would include her but I know sometimes that just isn’t an option financially.

Xrays · 28/09/2023 18:53

PizzaPizzaYumYum · 28/09/2023 17:07

Speak to / email the Designated Safeguarding lead at their school (DSL details should be on the Safeguarding policy on the website. Don't speak to her parents because you may make the situation worse if there is abuse going on, or they may stop her coming to your house if they think you are 'interfering'. Talking to G about it or making her feel unwelcome will just push the problem away, and not solve anything. If G feels uncomfortable with you, your DD might start to spend more time with her away from your influence in an unsafe situation. The DSL will unfortunately have dealt with this situation before and may even know other background about F's family situation which you don't. They can ask non-leading questions in a way which will hopefully lead to a resolution.

This. I’ve been in a really similar situation and this is what we did.

imagiantwitch · 28/09/2023 19:27

This girl was me, and my friends mum saved my life to be honest. If she ever got fed up of me being there, she never showed it. Thank you for being so kind so far. I understand the struggle if you have financial issues yourself. I’m not trying to guilt trip you at all, I just know how shit it is to be that girl.

Beaverbridge · 28/09/2023 19:31

Shame, she maybe has a hard time at home. It's nice your doing what you can to help her I think.

Vinrouge4 · 28/09/2023 19:34

KitsyWitsy · 28/09/2023 14:07

I would do all I can for the girl personally. She sounds like she’s not a nuisance just there. I’d do her washing and mother her a bit but that’s me. I’m a caring person.

Well bully for you being such a paragon of virtue. But not everyone can afford to have an extra person living with them.

Mountaineer0009 · 28/09/2023 19:52

@Maybeitsmavis
cost wise i can understand,
that said its very kind of you to be looking after the friend

Uggtrending · 28/09/2023 19:55

@Mountaineer0009 true. But OP cam do beans on toast, jacket potatoes, Sandwiches or tuna and pasta. Before all that though why doesn't she know about her DDs friend?

VivaLaVolvo · 28/09/2023 19:55

BumWad · 28/09/2023 14:38

There was a similar thread to this the other week. It just seems strange and I don’t understand this happening in real life really 😵‍💫

My DDs best friend came for a couple of days during the snow one year during Year 11 (we lived near the school)

About 3 weeks later I realised that she hadn't really been home and was still largely with us for GCSE exams in June. (her GPs lived near and she went there for the odd night but her parents lived about 10 miles away and were going through a messy divorce- possibly with some DV)

Her life wasn't great and I still see her 15 years later.
I never spoke to her parents about it.

CoffeeCantata · 28/09/2023 19:57

I wouldn't like this situation. Yes, someone needs to be told about the situation and your concerns about this girl (as other pps have suggested). But you have to put your family first.

Don't let anyone guilt-trip you into continuing with an arrangement which you are uncomfortable with. If you do so because you want to, that's great, but please don't let anyone make you feel obligated.

Rightsraptor · 28/09/2023 19:59

14 yo kids probably have no idea of extra costs, the annoyance of washing more clothes & bedding etc. It just wouldn't be on their radar. I don't think they'd understand that feeling of slight unease/lack of ability to totally relax or whatever you feel when she's around all the time.

I'd definitely contact the school's safeguarding person, OP.

CherryMaDeara · 28/09/2023 20:05

Oh God get rid. Sounds miserable.

1 night sleepover a month max.

Ghostytoasty · 28/09/2023 20:05

KitsyWitsy · 28/09/2023 14:07

I would do all I can for the girl personally. She sounds like she’s not a nuisance just there. I’d do her washing and mother her a bit but that’s me. I’m a caring person.

🙄

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/09/2023 20:06

Piglet89 · 28/09/2023 18:39

OP: the child is apologising all the time. This is red flag. Children tend to do this as a result of meeting with harsh disapproval for the smallest transgressions (or maybe not even that!) from their caregivers at home. She had dirty clothes and isn’t being looked after properly at home. She wants to be at your house all the time as she feels more cared for and safer there.

These signals are massive safeguarding issues.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/neglect#article-top

Your daughter’s relationship with this girl is through school so, as others have said, contact the school’s safeguarding lead and discuss your concerns.

This. Definitely. Please find out more op. I do understand it can be annoying.

Icouldbehappy · 28/09/2023 20:06

This is what I do. Better to have them here than Gawd knows where, doing Gawd knows what.
I get on really well with DS’s friends. Love having them here tbh.

Icouldbehappy · 28/09/2023 20:07

I meant, I have my DC’s friends at mine.
Reply function didn’t work there 🤦‍♀️

Ghostytoasty · 28/09/2023 20:07

icallitasplodge · 28/09/2023 16:54

I’d let her stay.

also consider you know where your 14 year old daughter is if she’s safe at home with this friend. My friends mum had an open house policy. Must have driven her mad, my own (neglectful) mum said. Except it didn’t as she knew all her sons friends really well, was able to vet them, and know where her teenager was instead of having him out on the street or at god knows who else’s house.

think long game

As admirable as this is, OP has said she can’t afford it. She can’t magic money to pay for a whole other teenager.

viscountbarbara43 · 28/09/2023 20:13

This reply has been deleted

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Bored1000 · 28/09/2023 20:13

when I was young i was also very polite, never wanted to offend anyone and a total people pleaser so If a friend asked me to stay over after spending a few hours at their house I always said yes as I didn’t want to offend and tell her that I really wanted to go home because I wanted to sleep in my own bed, I thought she would be insulted.
Is there any possibility this is happening with this girl, Is your daughter asking her to stay over or is G asking to stay?

Totaly · 28/09/2023 20:15

Well that took a sharp turn.

Houseplanter · 28/09/2023 20:18

Cue... thread deleted

PurpleSky09 · 28/09/2023 20:18

I think I'd try and speak to G and see if everything is Ok at home.

CountryCob · 28/09/2023 20:20

separately from your initial question whatever you do don't have your DD go over to visit the friends family/ stay there. They might be fine buy going off this they probably aren't and it's not worth the risk. Sounds like the girl is hiding from them

Munchingaway · 28/09/2023 20:25

Surely the parents must be wondering where their daughter is all the time. 14 is not old.
If they haven’t contacted you about their daughter then I would be very concerned about their inability or interest to know who their daughter is with.
Id talk to G to see if she’s ok
Id talk to the parents
If the parents don’t care I’d talk to the school.

Mikimoto · 28/09/2023 20:27

Surely she's not sleeping over midweek at the start of term and starting to prepare GCSEs?

And are you Mavis from Coronation St.?

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