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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

daughter's friend basically lives with us and I want her to stop

155 replies

Maybeitsmavis · 28/09/2023 13:55

DD moved to a new school this year and luckily has settled well, but she has recently made friends with a girl who I'll call G. G is very polite but also incredibly shy and apologetic to the point where it makes me slightly worried. G and my daughter have become very close and while I like that my daughter has such a close friend G spends almost all of her time at our house, to the point where she sleeps over often and showers here. G doesn't ask for anything but I have also been washing her clothes as a few times her clothes have been quite dirty, which worries me about her home situation and whether or not her parents are doing a good job.

As polite as G is, we are not incredibly well off and having another person in the house is costing me more. I want to bring it up to DD and G but I have no idea how and I don't want G to think I dislike her because I don't.

OP posts:
Ghostytoasty · 28/09/2023 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Such an obvious troll.

DorkDairy · 28/09/2023 20:42

@Caplin what a lovely ethos you have, we need more Caplins!
I agree. I couldn't do this myself but admire this.

SpideyWoman1 · 28/09/2023 20:43

SnowflakeCity · 28/09/2023 14:58

Dd has a friend that is at ours a lot. I know he has a shitty homelife from the bits he has told dd and although I'm not really a fan of having someone over so much I suck it up. The poor lad is always so grateful for a home cooked meal, he found it so amazing that people bake cookies at home that he spoke about it for about 2 weeks after we first made them. I just don't have the heart to say sorry mate but we all need some time alone. I empathise with you, its hard and it not our job but at the same time I could just never turn him away.

That’s heartbreaking 😢

kamboozled · 28/09/2023 20:51

Changethenamey · 28/09/2023 14:02

Tough one… if she is happier with you I would find it extremely hard to make her leave if you have suspicions about her home life. What has your DD said about it, has she been to this child’s house? how old are they?

My DD had a friendship with a girl I wasn’t particularly fond of and originally was finding excuses for her not to stay.. however I then found out her parents were divorcing and her home wasn’t particularly happy. I welcomed her to our house every time, and let her stay as long as she liked. Things have settled now and I don’t see her as much but I’m glad she felt comfortable here during a rough time in her life.

I'd be the same.

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2023 21:15

JudgeJ · 28/09/2023 14:49

So the reality is that along with all the other non-education matters that get dumped onto schools rather than the Social Services, Police etc the 'safeguarding' mantra mean that a totally out of school issue is dumped on them too! It's no wonder that schools are struggling, they're expected to take the place of so many other agencies. If the OP is so concerned about this child the Social Services should be where she reports it.
Yes, I know that this isn't what will happen and I will be shot down in flames, que sera sera.

Show quote history

Around 2011 schools became about the whole child. Schools can implement and oversee CP plans upto level two. She could report to SS but they'll start within the school and it may be decided that for now the school oversees things. From a multi agency approach, schools now play a major role because they are the professionals who see the child daily.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 28/09/2023 21:23

School won't do much a meeting or phone call to the parents is as far as it will go. I would ask your daughter more questions about her family and if she has met them. You may get an idea of where she comes from. I hated being at home at that age I got myself into all sorts. She obviously feels safe and secure with you and your daughter. A small sacrifice to help someone else.

WhiteFire · 28/09/2023 21:28

One of dd's friends moved in during her GCSE year, my DD rang me up and said "S has nowhere to go, can she stop at ours" At first I thought it was just a tiff with her Mum but it wasn't and she had pretty much been sofa surfing for months. She moved away after her exams (other family live quite a way away) When she left, I hugged her and told her that she was always welcome at our house and I meant it.

Speak to G, but you (if in England at least) really need to speak to the school as she is under 16.

You're doing a good thing OP, but you need the right support going forward.

Riverlee · 28/09/2023 21:46

Although it’s nice to support the friend, it’s not OP’s responsibility to house and feed the friend.

LittleGwyneth · 28/09/2023 21:59

I'd have her around as much as I could. You might be the difference for her.

wildwestpioneer · 28/09/2023 22:23

An you tell your dd that you won't have any sleep over on school nights. This is a hard time in our household.

If you have concerns re the girl then raise them with school.

WorkSmarter · 28/09/2023 22:35

GingerIsBest · 28/09/2023 14:11

Assuming this girl is not 17, I always think brisk practicality is the way forward here. this is a child in you house, so you should be able to talk to her like you would to your own children.

"Right G, don't you think it's time to get going now - are your parents expecting you? Should I give you a lift?"
"I washed your jeans becuase you left them here last week but can you ask your mum to do it next time".

Or ask her questions about her life and her family. I never understand why people are so hesitant to do this. And in this case, if you sense there's a problem, ask her.

Wow! It's not the girl's fault and you would really be embarrassing everyone with this approach. Where's your empathy and compassion? X

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 28/09/2023 22:40

MariePaperRoses · 28/09/2023 14:31

You say, "From now on on you can stay over x night only. Im not running an unpaid boarding house."

Yeah you could say this if you were an absolute cow! Good grief this is clearly a vulnerable girl.

Personally I'd do everything to accommodate her, her home life sounds hellish if she hasn't got any clean clothes and her parents aren't fussed about her sleeping out every night. I'd talk to the school too.

Tigger1895 · 28/09/2023 22:46

You seem to be her safe place. If her parents are so lacking in their concern about their child, do you want to send her back there 24/7? I understand it’s costing you money but her MH is more valuable

2Rebecca · 28/09/2023 23:35

I work and wouldn't have started sleepovers during the week. Hasn't your daughter got homework to do? The friendship sounds a bit intense. Occasional sleepovers at weekends only. Odd people on mumsnet always assume kids hanging around someone else's house have crap parents.

Doughnut100 · 29/09/2023 12:15

I spent a lot of time away from home at this age and my home life was a horrible and sad environment but way below the threshold for abuse or SS involvement. My parents argued a lot and were so wrapped up in themselves that they didn’t seem to notice much. I was also acting up a lot by having much older ‘boyfriends’ which as an adult I can now see was coercive as I was vulnerable.

I don’t know what you should do OP but if G was me SS or the school wouldn’t do anything and home life would have been made much worse if they were involved. If there is any way you can continue to welcome her and just try to find out more I would do that. But I understand completely about not wanting an open house. For the kind of people that are like that it’s admirable but I am an introvert and need to feel private at home. I’m

2Rebecca · 29/09/2023 12:26

I find it sad that the OP posted asking how to have this girls spending less time at her house and many people are trying to emotionally manipulate her in to becoming an informal foster carer for this girl which is not what she wants. Women shouldn't have to become universal mothers to be good people.

Skyblue92 · 29/09/2023 12:27

OP how many nights have they been staying in total? If it’s been more than 28days or likely to be then the school legally need to report it as it becomes a private fostering arrangement. You may find that they are aware of her home life and that she isn’t staying at home, they may also be aware that she’s been staying with you or they’ve been told friends and have had made referrals to SS already. Talk to the school, ask to see the DSL. Schools and SS can not support/protect children when people refuse to contact them

Shinyandnew1 · 29/09/2023 12:49

2Rebecca · 29/09/2023 12:26

I find it sad that the OP posted asking how to have this girls spending less time at her house and many people are trying to emotionally manipulate her in to becoming an informal foster carer for this girl which is not what she wants. Women shouldn't have to become universal mothers to be good people.

Completely agree. I would imagine the OP doesn’t want to become financially and emotionally responsible for another person. If she did, she would have become a foster carer.

MumW · 29/09/2023 13:04

In your shoes, I'd have a chat with the Safeguarding lead at school and ask for advice. Ask them to explore what's going on and say that, whilst you're happy to support the girl as much as possible, the current situation is going to cause you financial strain.

CruCru · 29/09/2023 17:05

2Rebecca · 29/09/2023 12:26

I find it sad that the OP posted asking how to have this girls spending less time at her house and many people are trying to emotionally manipulate her in to becoming an informal foster carer for this girl which is not what she wants. Women shouldn't have to become universal mothers to be good people.

I agree.

While it is possible that this girl has a difficult home life, it is also possible that she just really likes hanging out with her friend at her friend’s house. I used to live next door to a girl who would sometimes come round five times a day and it drove us crackers. There was nothing wrong with her home life - she was the youngest of five children and couldn’t amuse herself.

ForegoneConfusion · 29/09/2023 17:29

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if this has been asked before, but when she sleeps over, do you know if she calls or texts a parent/carer to let them know? Does she ever mention them?

TillyLosch · 30/09/2023 07:16

This is a situation I have experienced as a parent with my eldest child (daughter's) first girlfriend. Daughter is now a (beautiful and charming) non binary adult and has had several including two long term male partners. Depending on their age, its not outside the realms of possiblity that they are exploring their sexuality, or that one is attracted to the other. If they are platonic friends, one of them is definitely leaning on the other for support. The important thing is that the OP daughter is not overwhelmed by spending so much time, so quickly, with this one person (to the exclusion of any other new friends), AND is and able to speak to her Mum about it, whatever the situation. Talk to your kiddo!

CoffeeCantata · 30/09/2023 08:36

2Rebecca · Yesterday 12:26

I find it sad that the OP posted asking how to have this girls spending less time at her house and many people are trying to emotionally manipulate her in to becoming an informal foster carer for this girl which is not what she wants. Women shouldn't have to become universal mothers to be good people.

So much this!!

This often happens on MN: OP posts about a situation they're not happy with, asking for advice, and people suggest that they should just keep doing more of what isn't working for them. I suspect these people then get a sort of 'warm, fuzzy feeling' inside because they have confirmed their view of themselves as caring types - at no personal cost or inconvenience!! Brilliant.

It's the responsibility of all of us to inform school/police/SS etc etc if we're concerned about a child, and to be kind to that child as far as normal contact goes. It's not our job to (as the pp above so rightly says) become informal foster parents to the child.

mysocksarehaunted · 30/09/2023 12:46

100% yes to 2Rebecca and CoffeeCantata

I would also say again that teenagers can be dominated by friends, as was my experience. They need time to grow and develop and grow and have different friendships, choose their own hobbies etc. My friend was quite sneering about some of the things I liked. I ended up moving away to study, but they really, really tried to pressure me not to. Sometimes I think people want to be so social and kind to others that they put their own kids wants and needs lower. I've seen this a lot in different families over the years.

CruCru · 01/10/2023 10:10

Honestly? I hate the phrase “family time” but you may need to introduce it.