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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

daughter's friend basically lives with us and I want her to stop

155 replies

Maybeitsmavis · 28/09/2023 13:55

DD moved to a new school this year and luckily has settled well, but she has recently made friends with a girl who I'll call G. G is very polite but also incredibly shy and apologetic to the point where it makes me slightly worried. G and my daughter have become very close and while I like that my daughter has such a close friend G spends almost all of her time at our house, to the point where she sleeps over often and showers here. G doesn't ask for anything but I have also been washing her clothes as a few times her clothes have been quite dirty, which worries me about her home situation and whether or not her parents are doing a good job.

As polite as G is, we are not incredibly well off and having another person in the house is costing me more. I want to bring it up to DD and G but I have no idea how and I don't want G to think I dislike her because I don't.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 28/09/2023 14:49

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2023 13:59

This is a matter for the school's safeguarding lead. Do not bring it up with your DD, except to ask if she's met G's parents etc, just chit chat. Absolutely don't bring it up to G, this needs someone trained in non leading questions and who won't get her to clam up more.

So the reality is that along with all the other non-education matters that get dumped onto schools rather than the Social Services, Police etc the 'safeguarding' mantra mean that a totally out of school issue is dumped on them too! It's no wonder that schools are struggling, they're expected to take the place of so many other agencies. If the OP is so concerned about this child the Social Services should be where she reports it.
Yes, I know that this isn't what will happen and I will be shot down in flames, que sera sera.

JFDIYOLO · 28/09/2023 14:49

First, it's a safeguarding issue especially if she's so shy and appears neglected. There may be a very strong reason why she doesn't want to go home.

Please inform the school of your concerns - better safe than sorry.

Also find out from your DD what she might know about her friend. Say you're worried about her.

How old is she? Do you know where she she lives, her parents' name and number in case of emergency? Do you know anything about them - as in, what your daughter might be encountering?

Could this imperceptibly be sliding into a private fostering arrangement without your consent?
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/274482/national_minimum_standards_for_private_fostering.pdf

Time to be the adult.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/274482/national_minimum_standards_for_private_fostering.pdf

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/09/2023 14:52

Has your DD been to her house?
Going back a while but I had exactly this with a friend of DS1
The boy was really grateful and ( tried to) refuse food and not put us out
I knew the family set up so he was made very welcome.... until he went into Foster care
I wouldn't mention it to DD or her friend
See what you can find out about the family or where they live and report to safeguarding at school

Sewaccidentprone · 28/09/2023 14:52

One of my eldest sons mates basically lived with us for a few weeks when he was 15. I wasn’t thrilled about the situation, but turned out his mother had left to live with another man in a different county. He’d been left with his step dad who said he wasn’t welcome there any more.

such a heartbreaking situation. He seems ok is now, but has quite a few issues mainly due to be abandoned and homeless as such a young age.

fr4zzledmum · 28/09/2023 14:55

Please raise with safeguarding. It sounds like, as a minimum, the girl is experience neglect at home - have her parents even enquired as to where she is? Have you ever spoken to them?

I come from a home of neglect and looking back on it now, it was so obvious to a number of adults, and they did nothing about it.

Goodornot · 28/09/2023 14:57

You don't have to make a big deal out if it. Or have a talk just say to G right when in mum collecting you, or I can run you home.

There are ways

gamerchick · 28/09/2023 14:57

Like de ja vu

SapphosRock · 28/09/2023 14:58

We can't say until we know their age. If the kid is 8 then it's worrying if she's 17 less so.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/09/2023 14:58

I think I’d go with speaking to the school first of all. Hopefully someone can do some checks and ideally reassure you.

If she’s no bother I’d maybe let her stay as much as was feasible but I appreciate it’s tricky money wise, and in terms of your home not being your own.

SnowflakeCity · 28/09/2023 14:58

Dd has a friend that is at ours a lot. I know he has a shitty homelife from the bits he has told dd and although I'm not really a fan of having someone over so much I suck it up. The poor lad is always so grateful for a home cooked meal, he found it so amazing that people bake cookies at home that he spoke about it for about 2 weeks after we first made them. I just don't have the heart to say sorry mate but we all need some time alone. I empathise with you, its hard and it not our job but at the same time I could just never turn him away.

Ramalangadingdong · 28/09/2023 15:01

Changethenamey · 28/09/2023 14:02

Tough one… if she is happier with you I would find it extremely hard to make her leave if you have suspicions about her home life. What has your DD said about it, has she been to this child’s house? how old are they?

My DD had a friendship with a girl I wasn’t particularly fond of and originally was finding excuses for her not to stay.. however I then found out her parents were divorcing and her home wasn’t particularly happy. I welcomed her to our house every time, and let her stay as long as she liked. Things have settled now and I don’t see her as much but I’m glad she felt comfortable here during a rough time in her life.

Sorry if this sounds cringey but this post really moved me. I am so glad that there are people like you in the world.

Jibo · 28/09/2023 15:04

Fucksake, why do people post about DC without mentioning their ages? Makes a pretty big difference whether the girl is 10 or 16...

Lemon1822 · 28/09/2023 15:06

Oh my god do not say that!

Houseplanter · 28/09/2023 15:07

This happened to me. His parents spent lots of time in the pub, provided the bare minimum. It was low level neglect that social care wouldn't have been interested in. I often washed his uniform or his or pe kit and he spent as much time with us as he did at home.

He's married now with a young family of his own but he still visits us regularly.

He's not my third child, but I think the world of him.

DailyMaui · 28/09/2023 15:11

I agree with other posters that there may be a reason behind her staying over so much.

My daughter's girlfriend pretty much moved into to our house October/November/December last year both 17 at the time). She was escaping a really miserable time at home with her grandparents - her grandad was bullying and violent. She'd lost her mum a few years before that too and no dad has ever been on the scene. She really needed some love, stability and care. The GF and the gran managed to leave the DV situation and move into their own place just before Christmas so it wasn't a permanent thing and I was happy to give her space in my home for the time she needed.

I'd delve a little deeper - see what your daughter says.

KeepTheTempo · 28/09/2023 15:14

How is your DD feeling about all this? Is there a chance that either you're allowing her partner to move in (which definitely isn't a great idea at this age)? Could she be feeling obliged? Is she able to have a social life apart from this one friend? Is her friend similarly focussed on study/ extracurriculars?

Despite the 'be kind' crew here (many of whom I bet wouldn't do the same in their home), there's a reason that foster care is skilled and well paid, it's not easy to just take in a child in need without an impact on all of the family, even harder to do it on a low income.

Agree about contacting social services and the school.

Ponderingwindow · 28/09/2023 15:15

Extremely shy, extremely polite children with signs of neglect means it is incredibly likely the child is being abused.

reporting may not accomplish anything. The level of abuse required to actual warrant intervention is high. If she has gotten to her teen years and nothing has been done, I would be skeptical that a visit from child services would improve her situation and it might make things worse.

please Don’t treat her harshly. If you really can’t provide her with a bit of sanctuary, at least be gentle about it. Some of the responses have been quite harsh and I just don’t think they see what I see because they weren’t that child.

Zonder · 28/09/2023 15:19

Depends on age. I would try and talk to the mum if they're young. Also DSL at school as it may just be one part of a bigger picture.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 28/09/2023 15:20

You say, "From now on on you can stay over x night only. Im not running an unpaid boarding house."
@MariePaperRoses
Don't you sound lovely...way to make a potentially neglected child with a shit home life feel even more guilty about being a burden 😬

LittleMissUnreasonable · 28/09/2023 15:25

All these posters suggesting brisk, passive aggressive things to say to this child such as "I imagine your mum's expecting you now" clearly have no empathy for a child who's clearly clinging on to a bit of sanctuary. I can't imagine just telling a kid to "walk home and I might see you at the weekend" without trying to find out what's going on at home a bit more. And no, if that was me then the child would be welcome.

Riva5784 · 28/09/2023 15:33

Extremely shy, extremely polite children with signs of neglect means it is incredibly likely the child is being abused.

^This

I would continue to offer her a safe haven. Maybe speak to the school safeguarding lead, depending on her age.

Chocolatepopcorn · 28/09/2023 15:37

I would ring her parents in the first instance. Depending on the outcome of that phonecall, I might contact safeguarding at the school. If the parents seem fine and the child isn't at risk, I would be putting in boundaries such as being allowed to stay one night per week.

Ponderingwindow · 28/09/2023 15:41

People need to understand that neglectful and abusive parents can put on a very good show. They aren’t all junkies who can’t come out of the stupor long enough to string two sentences together. Children are neglected and abused by all sorts of parents, including parents with money and good jobs.

when you or child services comes to check out the situation, everything on the surface will appear wonderful in these homes.

Snowinjulyy · 28/09/2023 15:42

My response would depend on how old the girls are, which you haven't said. But essentially the younger they are the more I'd want to intervene and talk to school etc... if teenagers then I'd be more inclined to talk to G herself.

Antst · 28/09/2023 15:42

I can understand why you wouldn't want your daughter to have a friend over all the time. Your daughter needs to spend time with your family, do homework, and get into sports/hobbies. It would be reasonable to tell your daughter that she can only have friends over at X-X time and on X days of the week.

Is this what you mean because I can't imagine that it costs that much to have a kid over.

What I'm getting at is that kids don't abandon their own homes for no reason. There'll be a good reason why this kid is at your house and hot her own. I would do whatever you can to allow her to keep coming when she needs to.

Like I said, it's in the best interests of your daughter and your relationship with your daughter to draw boundaries. It's your job to make sure your daughter is doing her homework and that she has space to do activities. Talk to her to find out what's going on--whether she is OK with the current situation.

If she is, I would try to make things work. For example, you could have a rule that the girls go to opposite areas of the living room to do homework at X time of the day after school. This would benefit both of them. You could talk to them both about getting on to a sports team, running around at the park, or joining a community activity.

Many people are talking about "safeguarding" but I don't think you should pass responsibility for this situation on to the school or police. Yes, talk to them and make them aware of what's happening. Try to find out by talking to the girl what's going on in her life. But the bottom line is that YOU are the adult who is most involved and I genuinely think you should do your best for this kid. When you're 90 and looking back on your life, you'll want to feel like you made a positive impact on the world.

My parents were extremely violent and I hated going home because it was dangerous. I wish I had had a place like yours to go.