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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband should help pay for my car?

298 replies

strawberryscones · 28/09/2023 09:50

I drive, my husband does not and never learned to drive as no interest. I have a car which I bought myself 8 years ago. I work from home these days so I don't use the car for work, but we live quite rurally so the car is needed to get about at weekends, food shopping etc. I don't use it much for solo drives these days.

I have always paid for the insurance, service, MOT, repairs etc. this seemed fair enough when I was using the car for work, but now i use the car for mainly joint 'leisure' activities, I feel this is unfair. Husband also works from home, with maybe 1 trip every two months to the office, so he doesn't have the travel costs he used to.

I said the next time the insurance, service etc is due, I believe the joint account should be used to cover it. He went ballistic, and said it's my car so I should pay for it. He said if it was jointly paid for, he would expect me to basically be his taxi driver and provide lifts whenever he wants, wherever he wants. I said I can't do that as I have a job etc, and it's my time as well as the car.

He then said ok, get rid of the car then. But I think it would be difficult with where we live to do so.

AIBU to expect the car to be a joint expect, even if he doesn't drive it?

I should also add he earns £80k whereas I am on under £30k. He puts slightly more in the joint account than I do, but even after that he still has £2k more than I do in disposable 'fun' money every month.

OP posts:
Sandpitnotmoshpit · 29/09/2023 08:53

My husband has just learnt to drive but before this we already paid for the car as a joint expense. Because I wasn't commuting in it and the journeys involved driving him and our children around. Sometimes I paid for petrol myself if I was off somewhere on a jolly but mostly that came out of the joint account too. He has just damaged the car and this will be a joint expense too - accidents happen, money is a bit tight and we support each other.

Your finances are absolutely not fair and you both should have the same spending money. If you live rurally you obviously shouldn't get rid of the car. He sounds horrible.

TheLightProgramme · 29/09/2023 08:54

. He puts slightly more in the joint account than I do, but even after that he still has £2k more than I do in disposable 'fun' money every month.

Your problem extends beyond your car situation.

CorrieFan86 · 29/09/2023 09:17

This is RIDICULOUS. This used to be the situation with me and my husband, and as soon as it became clear the car was being used mostly for family stuff, my husband was the one who suggested he should pay half the costs.

The difference is my DH does Drive, but that’s another matter… I grew up in a rural area and it infuriates me when people from such places “Don’t take an interest” in driving. It’s all very well, but the fact is you are affectively forcing other people to act as your personal taxi driver. It’s so selfish.

WongWifi · 29/09/2023 09:20

My husband pays for absolutely everything. I read these threads and I truly despair how the modern woman is being treated.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/09/2023 09:27

WongWifi · 29/09/2023 09:20

My husband pays for absolutely everything. I read these threads and I truly despair how the modern woman is being treated.

That's a personal preference though really. Obviously the OP's DH is unreasonable but I would also hate for my DH to pay for everything, we split the mortgage, nursery fees etc and I wouldn't accept anything else.

KimberleyClark · 29/09/2023 09:30

My first serious boyfriend wouldn't learn to drive, no reason other than he couldn't be arsed. I drove and had my own car. Right from the earliest of dates, he expected me to drive on dates, ferry him to/from home, and it really started to grate on me as I could never drink whilst he downed the pints and I'd end up driving him home in the middle of the night! The killer blow was when he started expecting me to pick him up from work to take him home, even on days we weren't seeing other that evening. No, no, and trice no! He got dumped! Selfish, idle, prick!

😡These people who can’t be arsed to drive but at the same time think it’s absolutely no trouble for you to drive them all over the place.

SweetPetrichor · 29/09/2023 09:37

I am in the same position of being a driver while my partner does not. He doesn’t ask for lifts and while he would miss the freedom of the car, he would also get on fine without it. What we do is split the fuel costs 50/50. I pay for insurances, services, repairs etc as I am the one who chose to have a car. I don’t personally feel it is fair to foist half of all costs off on him when he can’t drive the thing. But he does share the fuel costs as it is somewhat equivalent to paying a bus fare or similar to go the journey.

AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere · 29/09/2023 09:43

Do not have kids with this man.
His reaction and the imbalance of fun money is a massive red flag to what your life will be.
In fact, unless he is amazing and unselfish in every other area of your life (his reaction make me doubt it) I would seriously consider throwing the whole husband away.
A relationship should be a partnership.

peachgreen · 29/09/2023 09:45

I don't drive, my partner does. We split car costs equally. If anything I feel like I should pay MORE because he gives me lifts!

Babydaddy1978 · 29/09/2023 09:56

Can’t believe I am reading this, when you are married everything should be shared. So what if one person earns more than the other? So no YANBU. And actually he sounds like an a**hole. Men like him give the rest of us a bad name

rainingsnoring · 29/09/2023 09:57

He sounds financially abusive regardless of the car issue.

Of course he should pay for transport as it is a joint expense and something which he benefits from.

Fallingthroughclouds · 29/09/2023 09:58

Notsleepingpeacefully · 28/09/2023 10:40

OP he should be paying towards it - and on his salary it sounds particularly tight of him to not be doing so!! He benefits from the car - I think I’d work out the cost of taxis on a general basis and say that if you get rid of the car it will cost £x and that this would be coming from the joint account.

But this does also remind me of the CF suggestion of my MIL that I give my new car that I get car allowance for to DP for him to drive, and that I drive his old knackered car!

I hope your OH laughed in his mothers face!

Yalta · 29/09/2023 10:04

I wouldn’t be charging him anything. If he has £2k extra per month then paying you per trip isn’t going to inconvenience him. Let him have to face the reality of ordering a taxi and having to wait around for it or be ready to leave at the exact time it arrives. Let him be inconvenienced by having to do his own shopping and then lugging it back on the bus or having to wait again for a taxi to arrive.
It’s your personal car for your personal use
Even if you are going to the same place then you go by your car and he goes whatever way he can find. If he argues that it will cost the same, point out that it isn’t the cost. It is your personal car and you don’t want to share it. After all he wouldn’t expect to move into someone’s house just because they have a spare bedroom and invade their privacy and then say you don’t want to pay towards the costs because the bills would be the same anyway

I would also review why you have such a discrepancy between you in regards to the other finances
everything should get paid into one account out of which you pretty much know each month how much your direct debits etc are then equal amounts for your personal spends and the rest into savings and investments/paying off mortgage etc and have a plan of moving forward.

If you can’t discuss anything financial without him getting angry then I would leave. Don’t waste your time with anybody so financially abusive.

I think he sees you as his chauffeur and maid who works for him and subsidises his income

In the meantime I would also start looking at other things you do and pay for.
I wouldn’t be doing his shopping or laundry, cooking, washing up etc
If he thinks you have to pay for anything you personally want then I would start charging him for sex.
Two can play at that game.
Though it has got to be a turn off how he doesn’t want to willingly pay for things he uses just because it would mean making you financially better off.

Something really screwed up about his logic

WongWifi · 29/09/2023 10:18

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/09/2023 09:27

That's a personal preference though really. Obviously the OP's DH is unreasonable but I would also hate for my DH to pay for everything, we split the mortgage, nursery fees etc and I wouldn't accept anything else.

Show quote history

You wouldn't "accept"? Whatever. Good luck in any divorce proceeding. Women are honestly shortchanging themselves. Expected to work, give birth, clean, and pay for the privilege too. I'll stick to my traditional marriage thanks.

Happyasapiginmuck1 · 29/09/2023 10:18

No contribution=no use of the car for him. He can make his way to wherever you're going, he can do half the food shops in whichever way he chooses.

LuluBlakey1 · 29/09/2023 10:21

And here is another controlling, aggressive man who is calling the shots and behaving appallingly.

Just get rid of him. He's a mean, nasty piece of shit.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/09/2023 10:23

WongWifi · 29/09/2023 10:18

You wouldn't "accept"? Whatever. Good luck in any divorce proceeding. Women are honestly shortchanging themselves. Expected to work, give birth, clean, and pay for the privilege too. I'll stick to my traditional marriage thanks.

Show quote history

and I'll stick to my marriage which is based on equality and not sexism. Why shouldn't I be expected to work? I'm a grown adult and more than capable of contributing financially.

But then my DH doesn't see cleaning, cooking or childcare as 'women's work' either and wouldn't dream to expect me to do all of it. We share it all.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/09/2023 10:26

My parents both contribute towards the car that only my dad drives

Seaweed42 · 29/09/2023 10:33

You'll have to tell us a bit more.
You live rural so how does he get to his work trips?

How would you buy groceries if you didn't have a car?

I suspect he had a mother to drive him everywhere before this.
Now he's got you to drive him.

His job prospects are pretty limited in the future if he doesn't drive.
Is he thinking of staying in the same job forever?

Why has he no interest in driving? Does he stay home all day on his own?
It sounds very limiting. Has he no hobbies or anything?

Next time you need to go shopping, say 'I'm not taking the car today because I need to save on petrol'.

WomblingTree86 · 29/09/2023 10:42

Get petty. If he's suggesting you sell the car he can act as if you haven't got one. While you might drive somewhere he will need to get public transport and meet you there. Just buy food for yourself if you go to the shops.

Cockmigrant · 29/09/2023 10:47

Leaving the car out of the equation for a moment - the financial situation is very unfair. Bills/rent/mortgage should be split in the ratio 80:30 or it should be worked out so that each person has the same amount of spending money per month.

Now back to the car - it's a family car because you are now not using it for work. The costs of insurance, repairs, MOT etc should be shared between the two of you, again in the ratio 80:30. Petrol costs should also be shared.

He is a massive knob.

But this is about more than just the car.

I'm petty and I'd start by refusing him lifts anywhere - he said to get rid of the car after all, so that means he doesn't need it. He won't contribute towards it so he doesn't get to use it.

anonymousxoxo · 29/09/2023 10:47

This is prime reason why I refuse to date someone who cannot drive and doesn't own a car. They're usually in my OWN EXPERIENCE selfish, demand lifts and do not contribute money to upkeep off a car. I DO NOT have a choice but to drive to work as its 35 miles away and the convenience is great, also shit weather in UK. Rain and cold!!

anonymousxoxo · 29/09/2023 10:48

Also why does he chosen to accept to live rurally, without a car? So unappealing when a grown man cannot drive.

WomblingTree86 · 29/09/2023 10:50

anonymousxoxo · 29/09/2023 10:47

This is prime reason why I refuse to date someone who cannot drive and doesn't own a car. They're usually in my OWN EXPERIENCE selfish, demand lifts and do not contribute money to upkeep off a car. I DO NOT have a choice but to drive to work as its 35 miles away and the convenience is great, also shit weather in UK. Rain and cold!!

Not all non-drivers are like that. DH didn't drive until he was in his 30s but he cycled or walked everywhere. He only learned to drive when we had DC as he didn't need to before then.

Booklover40 · 29/09/2023 10:53

Are you the poster who started a thread a while back about your dh wanting to move somewhere rural (I think it was in Ireland) despite not driving? And your worries surrounding that?

Everyone at the time warned you not to do it, if so. This sounds familiar....