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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband should help pay for my car?

298 replies

strawberryscones · 28/09/2023 09:50

I drive, my husband does not and never learned to drive as no interest. I have a car which I bought myself 8 years ago. I work from home these days so I don't use the car for work, but we live quite rurally so the car is needed to get about at weekends, food shopping etc. I don't use it much for solo drives these days.

I have always paid for the insurance, service, MOT, repairs etc. this seemed fair enough when I was using the car for work, but now i use the car for mainly joint 'leisure' activities, I feel this is unfair. Husband also works from home, with maybe 1 trip every two months to the office, so he doesn't have the travel costs he used to.

I said the next time the insurance, service etc is due, I believe the joint account should be used to cover it. He went ballistic, and said it's my car so I should pay for it. He said if it was jointly paid for, he would expect me to basically be his taxi driver and provide lifts whenever he wants, wherever he wants. I said I can't do that as I have a job etc, and it's my time as well as the car.

He then said ok, get rid of the car then. But I think it would be difficult with where we live to do so.

AIBU to expect the car to be a joint expect, even if he doesn't drive it?

I should also add he earns £80k whereas I am on under £30k. He puts slightly more in the joint account than I do, but even after that he still has £2k more than I do in disposable 'fun' money every month.

OP posts:
celticprincess · 29/09/2023 07:49

When my ex and I were together I was the higher earner (not as much as OP) and we put all money into joint account and gave ourselves the same spending each. It was actually my idea to split equally as I could sit around socialising with twice as much money whilst he sat at home skint. All travel was shared - his bus fare and the car finance/insurance/petrol/tax etc came out of the joint. We both used the car on weekends to go out and about together. Sometimes we both went shopping. Once we had kids and I was working less then I did the shopping but it was all out of the joint pot. Same with the baby classes etc and things we needed for the baby/babies.

I’d suggest OP charges 45p per mile for any joint travel which technically covers the west and tear on the car according to HMRC travel expenses!!

Nanaof1 · 29/09/2023 08:00

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 09:52

He's a twat.

I would start charging him fares. I would charge him half a fare when you do any chore that is joint eg. food shopping.

I would also point out that contributions for the household should be on a 80/30 ratio split.

⬆THIS!

Charge him each and every time you haul his ungrateful butt anywhere. Charge him for wear and tear, depreciation, insurance, license and tax, gas and your time. You could also let him start using a taxi, so your car will last longer. Only drive when YOU want to go somewhere and only drive there.
Why men think they can have the final say in things because they want to keep more for themselves is mind-boggling.

And "NO" NVDH, you paying towards the car would NOT make her your personal taxi driver, your private chauffeur or your beck and call girl. Feel free to hire anyone of those people at YOUR expense, not joint. Idjit.

Singlespies · 29/09/2023 08:01

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 28/09/2023 09:55

Play with the figures a bit and work out if you'll be better off divorced. You'll get half of everything accumulated whilst you've been married.

This.

FloweryName · 29/09/2023 08:03

You haven’t said if you have children that need you to have a car for them to get to activities etc.

If you have children that benefit from the car then it should be a joint expense. If the car only benefits you for the majority of the time then I agree with your DH that it should be your expense. He can pay for the petrol when you go out together, but I don’t see why he should pay half for a car that he isn’t using.

HermioneKipper · 29/09/2023 08:04

No lifts anywhere for him then. No taking him
anywhere.

He sounds like a dick OP, sorry to say.

We put percentages of our wages into the joint account and are left with the same amount of fun money even though my husband earns more than me. Why is he rolling in cash when you don’t have much? Seems very unfair.

Museya15 · 29/09/2023 08:07

You know what you should do, call his bluff and tell him, yes, will get rid of the car. See how quickly he comes up with the readies then!!!

BungalowBuyer · 29/09/2023 08:10

AmandasFleckerl · 29/09/2023 06:51

I had a car and DH didn’t drive when we were first going out and then married. My car, my responsibility. If I couldn’t afford a repair I would put the bill on the credit card and then pay it off the next month. I wouldn’t dream of asking DH to pay, even though he would have. After he passed his test (5 years into our marriage) we got a bigger family car but it’s in my name and even now generally I pay for the service plan, insurance etc. whoever is driving when it needs fuel fills it. I don’t get why you would want him to pay unless you can’t afford it. With us it’s a family car but ultimately it’s mine and as such I take responsibility for it and as for charging him for the ride, that’s just ludicrous, who would do that?

This is just as ridiculous as the OP, did you read the OP? He earns substantially more and keeps back substantially more every month for his own use.

NewLifter · 29/09/2023 08:15

Wow op, he's a charmer isn't he! I would definitely expect him to pay towards the car. He also needs to contribute more to the joint account. DH and I have always combined all of our money, I'm the bigger earner but wasn't for a few years when I retrained. Didn't matter, it was always combined. I can't imagine being in a situation like yours, I honestly wouldn't do it.

saffronsoup · 29/09/2023 08:16

I just don't understand adults who don't learn to drive.

There was another post by a woman with 5 children and one was in the hospital and she couldn't drive.

People with pretty signficant dsabilites can drive. To me there is (almost) no excuse for not learning a basic skill of adulthood. I would never date let alone marry someone who couldn't handle the most basic and necessary of adulthood skills and who expected to be driven everywhere.

Not sure why you are suprised he is also bad with financial matters given he can't adult in other ways. I would expect someone who can't drive also struggles in other areas of being a competent adult.

jazzyfips · 29/09/2023 08:17

I can’t offer anything meaningful as I don’t understand marriages that don’t have shared finances.

EarthlyNightshade · 29/09/2023 08:19

JST88 · 28/09/2023 21:27

Ok firstly, EW.

He sounds like an absolute ICK to be honest. Ew that he can’t drive (don’t @me about medical issues etc woke brigade) and EW EW EW nothing worse than a tight arse.

Next time you guys are going somewhere, say a movie, just say, ‘shouldn’t you have left already to make it there on time?’ And if he acts confused just say, ‘yeah it’s my car and I pay for everything solo so you weren’t expecting me to ferry you around for free when I earn almost 1/3 of what you do were you?’

It’s also a question of how much he values and appreciates you at this point, I couldn’t suffer 5 mins with a husband like this personally. Show him this post and all the responses

What?
Are you suggesting that not being able to drive for medical reasons, e.g. epilepsy, poor vision, is being woke? Do you think people should drive regardless of their disabilities?

I don't think medical issues are involved here but your comment is extremely dismissive of people's disabilities.

Inertia · 29/09/2023 08:19

This set up sounds financially abusive.

If he ‘went ballistic’, is he abusive in other ways too?

notacooldad · 29/09/2023 08:22

I would never have expected to pay towards a car when I couldn’t drive. Fuel money for driving me somewhere , yes I’d expect to pay that.
Fair enough if you are getting lifts
from your mates, sure you need to contribute to the ful cost. In a relationship where you are benefitting by having a car on demand to give you lifts, get the shopping in, deal with emergencies, have nice days out etc……seriously? You don’t think you should contribute to that?
You are either the DH or as tight and unattractive as him.

Awful, selfish attitude.

Tryingmybestadhd · 29/09/2023 08:23

I would be charging him for taxi fairest every time he sets fit in the car . Is he like this to everything ? Do you even have any fun ?

Badbadbunny · 29/09/2023 08:23

I drive, my husband does not and never learned to drive as no interest.

Of course he's got "no interest", he's got a mug (you) to drive him around and for the household (shopping etc), so he can just sit back and enjoy the ride, and even worse, he can't be arsed to contribute towards the costs.

Sorry, bit late now, but I'd never have married him in the first place if he's one of those "driver refusers", especially if you're not living in one of the bigger cities with good public transport.

My first serious boyfriend wouldn't learn to drive, no reason other than he couldn't be arsed. I drove and had my own car. Right from the earliest of dates, he expected me to drive on dates, ferry him to/from home, and it really started to grate on me as I could never drink whilst he downed the pints and I'd end up driving him home in the middle of the night! The killer blow was when he started expecting me to pick him up from work to take him home, even on days we weren't seeing other that evening. No, no, and trice no! He got dumped! Selfish, idle, prick!

(Just for clarity, my opinion is based on someone perfectly capable of driving, no disabilities, etc., and not for someone with a genuine reason not to drive!).

VisaWoes · 29/09/2023 08:24

I wouldn’t sell it but next time all insurance, etc is new I’d SORN it or whatever it’s called. Don’t tax it, don’t insure it, declare it off road and tell him it can’t be used. He will have to catch a bus to the supermarket or anywhere else he needs to go. He sounds an arse.

BeaLola · 29/09/2023 08:27

I don't understand how you can be married and behave like this - we don't have any joint accounts as we never got around to opening one but are finances are transparent - of course he should pay towards the car - of course if he never ever gets in in ever then perhaps not (!) - charge him per future lift or better still have a frank talk where finances need to be sorted fairly - I don't get this because he earns more he has "£2K more fun money" - surely when you're in a loving partnership you want the best for each other and share ?

PuzzledObserver · 29/09/2023 08:28

Approved HMRC rate for use of private cars is 45p per mile. So you go on a joint leisure trip somewhere - he pays 22.5p per mile. You take him somewhere/pick him up when you wouldn’t otherwise be going - he pays 45p/ mile.

Or he stops being a tight bastard and pays half of the running costs of the car, from which he benefits massively.

Badbadbunny · 29/09/2023 08:28

jazzyfips · 29/09/2023 08:17

I can’t offer anything meaningful as I don’t understand marriages that don’t have shared finances.

Yep, same here. Open/shared finances were one of my red lines, right from the days of starting to get serious in a relationship, let alone marriage/shared home/children, etc. Luckily, OH was on the same page, so we've been doing "joint"/shared monies right from the start, by discussing who's paying what, even from dating days, so no surprises, etc. Certainly when we married and bought a house, literally everything has been joint/equal, which has worked well because at various points, one of us has earned more than the other, so all monies going into "the pot" has worked well. Marriage is a partnership, so there should be no secrets, no "my money/your money" nonsense, etc.

Viviennemary · 29/09/2023 08:30

He sounds totally horrible. If he doesn't pay towards the car he can't make any use of it whatsoever. I think I would considering leaving this set up altogether.

GreekDogRescue · 29/09/2023 08:34

He’s being financially abusive.
maybe add up if you’d be better off apart.
No doubt he doesn’t pull his weight in the house either

inthenameoftherose · 29/09/2023 08:37

I really struggle to get my head around this. When you marry all your income becomes shared. But also the whole point of marriage is that you become one. Attitudes to money should be discussed as part of preparing to get married. My husband and I have a joint account and our salaries go into it and all our expenses come out of it end of. There is no his money/my money, his car/my car etc. It is an unhealthily individualistic culture we live in it if has got to this.

stichguru · 29/09/2023 08:40

The car is a family resource no matter who drives it. I would say earnings go into a joint account and the expenses for everything joint, including the car, come out of that.

AbbeyGailsParty · 29/09/2023 08:48

Velvian · 28/09/2023 09:54

Time to get really petty and not allow him to come along on weekend trips, he can meet you there in a taxi. Don't buy any food for him at the supermarket.

This.
He benefits from the car, he should pay towards it. What a selfish twat, it’s very unattractive.

bonzaitree · 29/09/2023 08:51
  1. why on earth is a grown adult man living in a rural area on 80k unable to drive?
  2. you’re married, so your money is in fact legally joint and should be treated as joint.
  3. he needs to stop being tight. 80k and refusing yo pay basic car maintenance? I think my vagina just shrivelled up and died.
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