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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband should help pay for my car?

298 replies

strawberryscones · 28/09/2023 09:50

I drive, my husband does not and never learned to drive as no interest. I have a car which I bought myself 8 years ago. I work from home these days so I don't use the car for work, but we live quite rurally so the car is needed to get about at weekends, food shopping etc. I don't use it much for solo drives these days.

I have always paid for the insurance, service, MOT, repairs etc. this seemed fair enough when I was using the car for work, but now i use the car for mainly joint 'leisure' activities, I feel this is unfair. Husband also works from home, with maybe 1 trip every two months to the office, so he doesn't have the travel costs he used to.

I said the next time the insurance, service etc is due, I believe the joint account should be used to cover it. He went ballistic, and said it's my car so I should pay for it. He said if it was jointly paid for, he would expect me to basically be his taxi driver and provide lifts whenever he wants, wherever he wants. I said I can't do that as I have a job etc, and it's my time as well as the car.

He then said ok, get rid of the car then. But I think it would be difficult with where we live to do so.

AIBU to expect the car to be a joint expect, even if he doesn't drive it?

I should also add he earns £80k whereas I am on under £30k. He puts slightly more in the joint account than I do, but even after that he still has £2k more than I do in disposable 'fun' money every month.

OP posts:
Grammarnut · 01/10/2023 08:18

Toerag. My DH does not drive and we are both retired. We have a joint account and separate accounts as well, all of which I have access to (he can't fathom ATMs or remember his details and does not want to learn and we trust each other - it's OUR money, not mine and his). We recently replaced our car. There was no discussion about finance apart from how much we wished to spend - not even what the insurance and tax would be, let alone where the money was coming from (we did dispute the colour - he 'won', it's red, I 'won' last time both on colour and model). It's 'my' car in that I am the keeper but it is OUR car which is used for any trip that can't be done by public transport. You are in a relationship where one partner does not want to share and is being an a*se. Pay for the tax and insurance out of the joint account, don't ask him or discuss it - that's what the joint account is for. If he cuts up rough start charging him for when he wants a lift, or buy him driving lessons for Christmas and tell him to get a taxi to buy all the Christmas shopping as you aren't doing it.

Grammarnut · 01/10/2023 08:20

This.

Grammarnut · 01/10/2023 08:25

DappledThings · 28/09/2023 10:10

I couldn't drive when we bought our first car. It was still "our" car. All expenses for it covered from joint account. We have two now, neither are his or mine. They are just ours and again, covered entirely from the joint account same as food, council tax, mortgage and all expenses.

Makes no sense for it to be any other way.

Exactly. From my and DH's pov income goes to the joint account in whole and then a set amount goes to individual accounts for personal expenses if wished - I don't actually see the point of having separate accounts and paying in from those.

WildRose42 · 01/10/2023 10:29

Love this reply! I 100% agree with this, OPs fella sounds like a selfish sod and that’s such an unattractive trait.

T1Dmama · 01/10/2023 11:11

Order food shopping on line and pay out of the joint including delivery charge… any ‘joint’ days out tell him he needs to put fuel in the car or pay for the meal/entry tickets etc as you’ve driven

Coco1379 · 01/10/2023 11:11

Yalta · 30/09/2023 21:16

housethatbuiltme

*I'm not sure how I feel about this. I didn't use to drive and now do, both have own cars but my DH is still the main driver for 'family' stuff as he is more confident driver.

I don't really think he should pay into buying the car, the MOT/service/repairs or pay on the insurance as those are things in your name that YOU would soley keep if you split*

I don’t think you realise how marriage /divorce works.
You don’t get to keep anything that was bought or saved during the marriage. Whether that be cars, houses or the sofa. It is all valued, given a price tag and
then you get to keep a percentage you work out what you want to keep and if no one wants something then it is sold and the money divided. Just because op bought her car and it is in her name then it would become marital property

Petrol I can maybe see being fair to share from a household pot if you have that but it feels very petty to be like 'you owe me £3.60 in petrol for driving to Asda twice last week
Tax could go either way especially if paid monthly

But the cost of doing that trip to Asda is more than a few quid of fuel. It’s like a restaurant only charging you for the ingredients in your meal. You aren’t just paying for food but someone’s time and expertise to cook that food. The building you are sitting in to eat that food, the lights, heat, water,pots and pans and plates and cutlery etc

He needs to make a 50% contribution towards everything if he wants to benefit from having transport

Frankly I never seen the point of 'household' pot though. We keep finances separate, we divvied up bills and then just pay our bills and the household bills that are our responsibility (so I pay electric, internet/phone etc... in my name and he pays gas, water etc... in his name)

If you don’t see the point of a household pot then you must be earning enough to never have to worry about money. Especially paying for things separately. That’s a really expensive way of dealing with things.
You will get a shock if you divorce to find your carefully structured financial walls are torn down and your separate pensions and investments are all put into one big pot. Including your cars

We no longer live in an age when a woman’s property automatically becomes her husband’s! Assessments of property in divorce take account of the length of the marriage, as well as the present and future financial prospects of each party.
The point is that OP’s husband is in a far better financial position than she is and is freeloading from her salary which is nearly a third of his. She is being subjected to financial abuse, and bullied by a self serving creep. As such, HE is the one who will get a shock from the division of their assets in a divorce, unless he has assets that he is squirreling away because he has required his wife to pay his share as well as her own, not to mention that he expects her to be a slave to his transport requirements.

Yalta · 01/10/2023 13:03

Coco1379

We no longer live in an age when a woman’s property automatically becomes her husband’s.

I never said it did. If you read my post I said You don’t get to keep anything that was bought or saved during the marriage

That includes anything he has bought or saved as well.

I was presuming her car was bought when they were already married

Yalta · 01/10/2023 13:07

Also Coco1379 the “shock” was in reply to housethatbuiltme with her assumption that the car on divorce would automatically be kept by op as she had bought it.

Annemaria · 01/10/2023 14:04

I am married to someone who behaves in a similar way. He did buy me a second hand car 10 years ago which is now falling apart but he won’t buy me a new one. It is abusive behaviour but I don’t know what one does about it. I have nightmares that it will pack up on the M5…

PuzzledObserver · 01/10/2023 15:00

Annemaria · 01/10/2023 14:04

I am married to someone who behaves in a similar way. He did buy me a second hand car 10 years ago which is now falling apart but he won’t buy me a new one. It is abusive behaviour but I don’t know what one does about it. I have nightmares that it will pack up on the M5…

What is the bigger picture here….. what is your husband’s income compared to yours? Do you pool finances, or you pay for some things and he pays for others? Does he have his own car, or does he not drive?

Sleepytiredyawn · 01/10/2023 17:07

At least if you ever split, the car is yours. Similar situation with me but only with the car, we share all of our money and have equal spends, he spends most of his on taxis to work, I do take him sometimes if I’m available, I spend some of mine having and maintaining a car. Use to work, take kids childminders/school, shopping etc. every so often, I fill the tank with petrol from the joint account. Some repairs, a rare time, I take too but there are never many. I just see the car as something that is Mine and something I will most definitely take with me no questions asked. Not that I’m looking for an ‘out’ but at least I can always drive away, ha.

linsey2581 · 01/10/2023 18:25

Out of curiosity how would you feel if he asked you to pay for car fees if it was the other way round? My dh doesn’t drive and I drive him to and from work unless our shifts cross over then he gets the bus.

CherryMaDeara · 01/10/2023 18:26

linsey2581 · 01/10/2023 18:25

Out of curiosity how would you feel if he asked you to pay for car fees if it was the other way round? My dh doesn’t drive and I drive him to and from work unless our shifts cross over then he gets the bus.

How are your finances split?

linsey2581 · 01/10/2023 18:35

@CherryMaDeara our finances are all together we have 1 bank account that is a joint account, both our wages go into the account and the bills come out of the same account I also have a savings account but we use that as a holiday account or if we are saving for something big. We have no credit cards etc if we don’t have the cash we don’t buy it.

MrsPCR · 01/10/2023 21:16

Ah, these money threads are always so ridiculous! What happened to being a team? Why would you want to live with someone and not share your happiness? I've never understood these relationships where one of them is getting rich on the side whilst the other scrapes by and makes do. My husband and I are a team, some things benefit one of us more than the other, like when he spent £1000 on glasses for his blind wife! He didn't then spend £1000 on something for him for the sake of it or to be 'even'.

Stressedoutmammy · 01/10/2023 21:26

I would charge the joint account “mileage” any time you do any household errands or go anywhere together in your car. After a month hopefully he will see how ridiculous he is being.

whattttttodo · 01/10/2023 21:27

So I assume he's not paying even double what you are? I guess u don't have 2k pin money? I would stop driving him anywhere and if he asks charge the equivalent of an Uber. If he complains suggest he gets a taxi out of his own money.

JST88 · 01/10/2023 23:14

I was simply saying not being able to drive as a man is an ICK. But you see, you can’t say shit anymore without someone popping up to say, ‘but what about this’ etc so I was saying don’t @me about medical reasons etc woke brigade. Yet here you are. Of course I’m not expecting blind people to drive etc lol. CHRIST

Kate0902900908 · 02/10/2023 07:26

It always surprises me how people can be in these types of relationships. I couldn’t even for a day be with a tight arse it’s just the biggest ICK in life. It’s clearly the family car so it should be paid from the family pot. I am married to a non driver, he pays half of everything towards car if not more. He appreciates I do the driving get the shopping run earns and ultimately if there is an emergency we can jump in the car and go. It’s a necessity for us.

OrdinaryGirl · 02/10/2023 07:56

I think you have a staying married dilemma, not a car dilemma 🧐

Rorymyers · 02/10/2023 11:12

Wow a bit harsh to bring up the D word seeing as she’s only looking for advice!

Annemaria · 03/10/2023 23:13

Puzzled Observer: We have never had a joint account because I brought nothing in the way of assets to the marriage. I used to have to beg him for money to buy the children’s shoes. He won’t go on holiday, tries to get me to pay for all the groceries but gave me a quite generous allowance when I threatened to divorce him. I don’t like the man but feel bound to him because I came from a broken home & I never wanted that poverty- stricken existence for my children. We have two houses & he only comes about every six weeks for apple pies! He clips the hedges & goes to the tip in his car. We have been married 59 years… Crazy ain’t it.

PuzzledObserver · 04/10/2023 08:12

Annemaria · 03/10/2023 23:13

Puzzled Observer: We have never had a joint account because I brought nothing in the way of assets to the marriage. I used to have to beg him for money to buy the children’s shoes. He won’t go on holiday, tries to get me to pay for all the groceries but gave me a quite generous allowance when I threatened to divorce him. I don’t like the man but feel bound to him because I came from a broken home & I never wanted that poverty- stricken existence for my children. We have two houses & he only comes about every six weeks for apple pies! He clips the hedges & goes to the tip in his car. We have been married 59 years… Crazy ain’t it.

Wow! I’m sorry you have had to live like this - that is straight up financial abuse. After 59 years of marriage (or was that a typo?) and you basically live apart with him coming round to clip the hedge every 6 weeks, some would say there’s no point in changing anything now.

Is your allowance adequate for your needs, or are your struggling? Because if you divorced him now you would get pretty much get half of everything, I’d have thought. It sounds like he’s got plenty of money…. and if you had half of it you could buy yourself a new car.

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