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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband should help pay for my car?

298 replies

strawberryscones · 28/09/2023 09:50

I drive, my husband does not and never learned to drive as no interest. I have a car which I bought myself 8 years ago. I work from home these days so I don't use the car for work, but we live quite rurally so the car is needed to get about at weekends, food shopping etc. I don't use it much for solo drives these days.

I have always paid for the insurance, service, MOT, repairs etc. this seemed fair enough when I was using the car for work, but now i use the car for mainly joint 'leisure' activities, I feel this is unfair. Husband also works from home, with maybe 1 trip every two months to the office, so he doesn't have the travel costs he used to.

I said the next time the insurance, service etc is due, I believe the joint account should be used to cover it. He went ballistic, and said it's my car so I should pay for it. He said if it was jointly paid for, he would expect me to basically be his taxi driver and provide lifts whenever he wants, wherever he wants. I said I can't do that as I have a job etc, and it's my time as well as the car.

He then said ok, get rid of the car then. But I think it would be difficult with where we live to do so.

AIBU to expect the car to be a joint expect, even if he doesn't drive it?

I should also add he earns £80k whereas I am on under £30k. He puts slightly more in the joint account than I do, but even after that he still has £2k more than I do in disposable 'fun' money every month.

OP posts:
BygoneDays · 30/09/2023 00:03

I don’t often say this, but he is a right dickhead.

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 06:27

JRM17 · 29/09/2023 20:42

I'm clearly in the minority here but I'm with your husband. It's your car so you should be paying for it, obviously this means going where you want when you want and if he wants a lift somewhere then he should be paying petrol money but if he's expected to pay towards it then yes he should be able to ask for lifts to where he wants to go. He could be expected to contribute to petrol and wear and tear but things like insurance and tax that you would have to pay regardless should still be paid by you.

Well, in reality, if she is paying for the car, then if he wants a lift somewhere, she should charge him labor for the driving as a "fare", just as he would if taking an Uber or a taxi. If that doesn't suit him, he can actually take a taxi/Uber and go where he wants. He can find a ride/bus/taxi and meet her at the grocery store to do the shopping and then haul 1/2 of the groceries home the same way he got there. He decides he doesn't want to bother going to the grocery, then he eats what she buys or she buys for herself.

Her car--HER rules. Always. Including where to go for dinner, movie, holiday. If it involves the car, it should be her choice alone where she wishes to drive, or they can take an Uber or taxi and she can save on wear and tear of the car. Since she is the one paying for the car, she controls all of its use. Correct?

I mean, if finances are going to be treated as if they are roommates, then the rest should be the same. Own food, own rides or who owns the car decides where the car goes. FFS

londonrach · 30/09/2023 07:15

You married...joint. don't have children with him as this is a huge red flag

Justkidding678 · 30/09/2023 08:43

I think you should leave him as you are in a financially abusive situation. He is out of order. Look at other areas of your life and see how you fare

noodlebugz · 30/09/2023 14:39

Get rid of it. Then hammer the joint account for an excessive amount of taxi fares. And then be like - I told you so.

babyproblems · 30/09/2023 14:52

I just asked my DH about this (I ce already posted up thread and am firmly in the YANBU op and this is financially abusive) but my DH had a wonderful suggestion….
Sell the car and set up your own Uber!!! Thought that was a bit genius.
On a serious note, I still think you’re being financially abused and he is a twat.

Ilovechocolatelimesandsherbertlemons · 30/09/2023 18:28

I never understand why married couples split bank accounts and bills. If you're married you should have a joint budget. The money is for the family, planning for a future together and working to support each other. If one of you lost your job, would you not support each other? How stressful for you. I would consider the long term future if this relationship.

TrixieMixie · 30/09/2023 18:35

If I were you, I’d drive away and not come back.

Daydreamer31 · 30/09/2023 18:50

I drive and my husband doesn’t also, I will drop him to work on my way to work and pick him up if I finish before him. Occasionally if he wants to go anywhere I will take him. I do earn a slightly better wage than him, but he always offers to pay for petrol and the insurance and road tax comes out of our joint account. I do cover the finance myself but he’s always happy to help, as he gets use of the car too.

munner · 30/09/2023 19:53

Oh god, leave he selfish knob.

pippabg · 30/09/2023 20:03

I earn 35K, husband earns 55K. It ALL goes into joint account. Everything goes in there and everything goes out of there. Higher salary does not equal harder worker. We share everything. I don't drive, but benefit from husband's car, so I'd never dream of making him pay alone. We don't even have the means to do that! I don't understand why more marriages don't just divide things equally. Marriage is an equal partnership after all.

LaraLondon1 · 30/09/2023 20:08

I don’t usually comment on threads but when i read your post … what a prick!!!
Sorry not helpful to your situation but I empathise greatly. I hope he is not like this in other ways . X

gardenflowergirl · 30/09/2023 20:19

Charge him 45p per mile for lifts as a passenger. That's the amount that HMRC allow to cover fuel and maintenance.
He needs to be ashamed of himself with such a disparity of income and sponging off you like that. I think he may be jealous or have resent ment of your driving skill to have such an outburst.

VeraMay · 30/09/2023 20:20

It's a car. You both have the benefit from it as you use it for shopping, days out together etc. Tax, insurance, maintenance, MOT etc should come out of the joint account. If you didn't do the shopping, what would he do? Maybe you should find out taxi costs and charge accordingly.
Sadly, so many couples don't share. I don't have an income but we share the benefit of my husband's income.

Coco1379 · 30/09/2023 20:31

If he doesn’t want to share the cost of the car, tell him you are not willing to pay the cost of his travel or be his chauffeur. He perfectly able to afford to make his own arrangements for travel. Don’t get rid of your car, just don’t put it or yourself at his disposal. Remind him that he will have to pay taxi tariffs that include the drivers’ wages, on top of insurance, running costs, mileage and depreciation. I’d seriously consider the state of the relationship if he is so mean and spiteful.

BarelyCoping123 · 30/09/2023 21:16

Bloody hell he sounds like a Class A prick. Why did you marry this dickhead OP 😫

Yalta · 30/09/2023 21:16

housethatbuiltme

*I'm not sure how I feel about this. I didn't use to drive and now do, both have own cars but my DH is still the main driver for 'family' stuff as he is more confident driver.

I don't really think he should pay into buying the car, the MOT/service/repairs or pay on the insurance as those are things in your name that YOU would soley keep if you split*

I don’t think you realise how marriage /divorce works.
You don’t get to keep anything that was bought or saved during the marriage. Whether that be cars, houses or the sofa. It is all valued, given a price tag and
then you get to keep a percentage you work out what you want to keep and if no one wants something then it is sold and the money divided. Just because op bought her car and it is in her name then it would become marital property

Petrol I can maybe see being fair to share from a household pot if you have that but it feels very petty to be like 'you owe me £3.60 in petrol for driving to Asda twice last week
Tax could go either way especially if paid monthly

But the cost of doing that trip to Asda is more than a few quid of fuel. It’s like a restaurant only charging you for the ingredients in your meal. You aren’t just paying for food but someone’s time and expertise to cook that food. The building you are sitting in to eat that food, the lights, heat, water,pots and pans and plates and cutlery etc

He needs to make a 50% contribution towards everything if he wants to benefit from having transport

Frankly I never seen the point of 'household' pot though. We keep finances separate, we divvied up bills and then just pay our bills and the household bills that are our responsibility (so I pay electric, internet/phone etc... in my name and he pays gas, water etc... in his name)

If you don’t see the point of a household pot then you must be earning enough to never have to worry about money. Especially paying for things separately. That’s a really expensive way of dealing with things.
You will get a shock if you divorce to find your carefully structured financial walls are torn down and your separate pensions and investments are all put into one big pot. Including your cars

AllAboardTootToot · 30/09/2023 21:29

One half earns £110k and other £30k in our household, you would never know looking at our bank account as all joint and we spend together as ‘our’ money. Huge red flags with this guy!

Adkim · 30/09/2023 21:42

I'm so glad I'm not married. I thought I was missing out, but only too obviously I'm not.

Pinkfluff76 · 30/09/2023 21:56

I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t drive. Even if they’re not interested (which I can’t get my head around), it’s a necessity and i think it’s very selfish to expect someone else to do all the driving and all the chores associated with it like the shopping. But to make you pay for it on top of that… and to pay only slightly more for joint things but earn nearly 3x as much. I’m sorry OP but your husband is not a nice person. Good luck

Greenshed · 30/09/2023 22:33

If you ferry him about, then, yes, he should contribute to the cost of running the car. For example, do you run him to the doctor, dentist, pharmacy, shop, pub, meeting his mates, picking him up afterwards, etc?
if the answer is no to any of these, then fair enough. But, (and I’d hazard a guess that it’s a yes), if you do do any of these things, then he should, at the very least, contribute to the cost of fuel, and, I’d say, that if you do any of these things plus if it’s needed in order to do the weekly shop, then he should help with the costs of owning a car, not just the petrol. If he refuses, then insist he does the weekly shop, collect prescriptions, take the dog to the vets, ferry the kids to their clubs, go to the dentist, doctor, optician, restaurant, pub … (tick any that apply) by the bloody bus. Bet he’d soon change his tune. To be honest, he sounds a prize prat. I always thought a marriage was a partnership, not a ‘what’s mine is mine and yours is yours” scenario. Maybe I’m old fashioned.
Incidentally, on his trips to the office, how does he get there? Do you, by any chance, run him to the station and pick him up afterwards as you live fairly rurally? I bet you do, but stand to be corrected. The more I think about it, the more I think what an unpleasant selfish bar steward he is.

Jubelle · 01/10/2023 00:20

That's financial abuse, what a d**k head

aloris · 01/10/2023 00:22

Wow, he's a prince among men, isn't he? Maybe stop doing anything for him that involves the car. Groceries, leisure, everything. Tell him to take the bus if he wants to go on a family outing. You'll drive yourself and meet him there.

Fluffmum · 01/10/2023 00:45

tell Him to get a taxi in future.

Otter1971 · 01/10/2023 07:40

What is he doing with the excess money he has if there is no share on it? My perhaps ridiculous first thought was that if he isn't sharing and is this upset by sharing something clearly joint he is probably spending it on something you won't approve of, like hookers, saving in an account you will never know about, or is just doing it to wind you up / abuse you.

I think you said you don't have kids but if it is part of the plan, my experience was that this entitled split of finances became FAR worse when I did.

Off on mat leave and only getting MA so can't afford the share I set out? Your problem...

Losing all your antenatal friends because you have nothing for the occasional coffee shop coffee? That's good you don't need friends...

Need to go back to work ASAP because you can't afford your share? Well, childcare is your problem cos I don't want you to...

Earning less than I want in the joint account for bills after you pay for childcare? Your problem, you do a stupid job anyhow ...

Try to claim anything to help you make ends meet. Well can't do that because the household income is good...

Ridiculously I put up with this for WAY longer than I should but if there is anything in there for you please use it.