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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband should help pay for my car?

298 replies

strawberryscones · 28/09/2023 09:50

I drive, my husband does not and never learned to drive as no interest. I have a car which I bought myself 8 years ago. I work from home these days so I don't use the car for work, but we live quite rurally so the car is needed to get about at weekends, food shopping etc. I don't use it much for solo drives these days.

I have always paid for the insurance, service, MOT, repairs etc. this seemed fair enough when I was using the car for work, but now i use the car for mainly joint 'leisure' activities, I feel this is unfair. Husband also works from home, with maybe 1 trip every two months to the office, so he doesn't have the travel costs he used to.

I said the next time the insurance, service etc is due, I believe the joint account should be used to cover it. He went ballistic, and said it's my car so I should pay for it. He said if it was jointly paid for, he would expect me to basically be his taxi driver and provide lifts whenever he wants, wherever he wants. I said I can't do that as I have a job etc, and it's my time as well as the car.

He then said ok, get rid of the car then. But I think it would be difficult with where we live to do so.

AIBU to expect the car to be a joint expect, even if he doesn't drive it?

I should also add he earns £80k whereas I am on under £30k. He puts slightly more in the joint account than I do, but even after that he still has £2k more than I do in disposable 'fun' money every month.

OP posts:
stickypoint · 28/09/2023 11:16

Your split of costs is unfair, he should be paying nearly 70% of the budgeted joint expenses into the joint account and you 30%. The only way those numbers should be adjusted is if you split the mortgage 50/50 assuming 50/50 ownership in which case deduct those amounts first and then work out the rest.

Re the car - put it into storage for a month and then every time he needs something tell him to get a cab - once you address the nonsense above.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2023 11:18

You could have 80000000000000000 trillion responses op - nobody is going to agree with your husband. Who is a vile financially abusive twat and I have absolutely no idea why you stay with him.

IncompleteSenten · 28/09/2023 11:20

Some marriage, eh? "All my worldly goods..." I think he missed that bit.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/09/2023 11:21

Charge him for every trip in that case.

Or refuse to take him anywhere.

Or better still, get rid of him. He sounds horrible.

Thebigblueballoon · 28/09/2023 11:24

What a tight arsehole.
Tell him , fine, you’ll pay for the car, but do NOT let him travel with you anywhere. Going to the same event? He can book a taxi.
He sounds like a total loser.

WrittenBird · 28/09/2023 11:27

I can’t get my head around married couples who function and mange their finances like this. It’s so churlish of him.

GotMooMilk · 28/09/2023 11:31

I would refuse to give him lefts anywhere. Living semi-rurally seems bizarre if you can't drive.
I also wouldn't want to be married someone who splits hairs about finances. You're a team- it should be shared money!

DaisyAster · 28/09/2023 11:32

I really hope this is fake - it distresses me to think there are really people like this husband in circulation.

CitizenofMoronia · 28/09/2023 11:34

Fine, he gets the bus everywhere from now on, he can meet you wherever it is you are both going in Your car paid by you.

Lordofmyflies · 28/09/2023 11:34

He sounds like a complete Dick! This is your husband who is meant to love you and respect you and be your partner?! He sounds really mean.
My DH suggested we bought and ran a a cheap run-around out of the family money to make my life easier whilst I was on maternity leave. No questions asked. I can't imagine being with someone so tight and controlling.

L0bstersLass · 28/09/2023 11:35

Charge him 45p for the first 10,000 miles you drive him anywhere and 25p for each mile after that threshold.
If you were using your car for business you would be able to claim that from your employer for wear and tear and fuel, so apply the same to him. Otherwise he can sort out a taxi.

Whataretheodds · 28/09/2023 11:36

TibetanTerrah · 28/09/2023 09:56

You need to check Uber prices before every journey and tell him the 'fare' each time.

It'll soon mount up Wink

Edited

And it's more at peak times. If you're already working or busy doing something else the car may not be available.

DdraigGoch · 28/09/2023 11:36

If he doesn't consider the car to be a 'family car' then presumably he does not depend upon it for grocery shopping, no?

If your household groceries are delivered, or he goes by public transport/walks/cycles to collect half of it then fair enough. If on the other hand you do all of the grocery shopping and use the car to get it then it is a family car.

I don't drive by choice (though I have a licence so could walk into Hertz tomorrow if necessary). In a relationship I may be reluctant to pay for a car that I derive no benefit from. In that case, I would go out of my way to never ask for lifts, and to pull my weight re: household errands. After all, I manage it as a singleton, even putting 25kg sacks of spuds on my pannier rack. If I didn't pull my weight and didn't pay for it then that would make me a CF.

KimberleyClark · 28/09/2023 11:39

YANBU. He’s benefitting from the car even if he doesn’t drive it.

Does he pay for petrol at all?

snoooom · 28/09/2023 11:43

Of course you're not being unreasonable but I'm not sure if you can actually reason with someone like this.
I would stop using the car entirely for a few weeks. If you need to get groceries then he walks to the shops or orders online delivery. Whatever else you usually use the car for as a family tell him he needs to work out alternative ways of doing those activities.
You also need a discussion about finances as he should be contributing at least 3.5/ 5 to the pot.
Stand up to him. He's an absolute dick.

twostraws · 28/09/2023 11:43

Potentially YABU. It's hard to tell from your post.

I don't drive and my ex did. I was perfectly content to use public transport, and I did. On joint journeys when he insisted on driving, I was happy to use the joint account for petrol etc. But all the maintenance, insurance etc was his cost.

When we broke up, he kept the car (obviously). The car was never a joint asset, so why should I have paid towards it, other than petrol?

I still happily use public transport, proving that I never really needed or wanted to be driven. A lot of drivers don't believe non-drivers when they say they are indeed happy for there to be no car!

twostraws · 28/09/2023 11:45

snoooom · 28/09/2023 11:43

Of course you're not being unreasonable but I'm not sure if you can actually reason with someone like this.
I would stop using the car entirely for a few weeks. If you need to get groceries then he walks to the shops or orders online delivery. Whatever else you usually use the car for as a family tell him he needs to work out alternative ways of doing those activities.
You also need a discussion about finances as he should be contributing at least 3.5/ 5 to the pot.
Stand up to him. He's an absolute dick.

You suggest online groceries like it's a punishment. Even if I drove, I'd still shop online.

I suspect the OP will be dismayed to realise that if she stops driving anywhere, the only person who will miss the car will be her.

ActDottie · 28/09/2023 11:54

I will never understand married couples who don’t pool finances. You’re supposed to be a team.

Elfandwellbeing · 28/09/2023 12:03

the Car cost is yours. The car privilege is yours. He cannot use the car at all. Public transport for him from now on.
He is happy to see you give him transport for free when he earns 3x your salary. This is not a marriage of mutual respect and love. If I am generous I would point this out and give him is the opportunity to change his ways. What is deserves is for you to call him a taxi the next time you plan a trip needing the car. Let h see you leave in your car, that you pay for, and let him use his transportation that he pays for.

Mythologies · 28/09/2023 12:07

It’s not the car you should be getting rid of

Tandora · 28/09/2023 12:08

WTAF?? Your husband is exploiting you financially. And by the sounds of it not just with regards to the car. Whatever happened to “whatever I have I share with you?”

Atticustheaardvark · 28/09/2023 12:10

Fine, if he wants to basically have a taxi sitting on the drive, then let him. I can send you the standard Hackney tariff chart if you want it!

Passepartoute · 28/09/2023 12:10

I said the next time the insurance, service etc is due, I believe the joint account should be used to cover it. He went ballistic, and said it's my car so I should pay for it. He said if it was jointly paid for, he would expect me to basically be his taxi driver and provide lifts whenever he wants, wherever he wants. I said I can't do that as I have a job etc, and it's my time as well as the car.

No, if you pay for it equally, he gets the right to learn to drive and use the car himself. If he wants you to be his chauffeur, he can pay for that service on top.

Or he could act like a grown-up.

pikkumyy77 · 28/09/2023 12:15

F

Badbearday · 28/09/2023 12:23

I can’t drive. My dh does. We have 1 car. The car payment comes from the joint account. As does the insurance. At the moment he covers fuel, but I pay for food which is more.
It’s most definitely our car. Not his car & is a joint expense.