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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband should help pay for my car?

298 replies

strawberryscones · 28/09/2023 09:50

I drive, my husband does not and never learned to drive as no interest. I have a car which I bought myself 8 years ago. I work from home these days so I don't use the car for work, but we live quite rurally so the car is needed to get about at weekends, food shopping etc. I don't use it much for solo drives these days.

I have always paid for the insurance, service, MOT, repairs etc. this seemed fair enough when I was using the car for work, but now i use the car for mainly joint 'leisure' activities, I feel this is unfair. Husband also works from home, with maybe 1 trip every two months to the office, so he doesn't have the travel costs he used to.

I said the next time the insurance, service etc is due, I believe the joint account should be used to cover it. He went ballistic, and said it's my car so I should pay for it. He said if it was jointly paid for, he would expect me to basically be his taxi driver and provide lifts whenever he wants, wherever he wants. I said I can't do that as I have a job etc, and it's my time as well as the car.

He then said ok, get rid of the car then. But I think it would be difficult with where we live to do so.

AIBU to expect the car to be a joint expect, even if he doesn't drive it?

I should also add he earns £80k whereas I am on under £30k. He puts slightly more in the joint account than I do, but even after that he still has £2k more than I do in disposable 'fun' money every month.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2023 05:33

How long have you been married?

MrsMontyD · 29/09/2023 05:59

The MN standard of everything in one pot isn't the only way to arrange finances, I lived on my own for many years (post divorce) before moving in with DP and there's no way I'm sharing my everyday current account. We have a joint account for household expenses like house maintenance or buying furniture.

The main thing is that whatever arrangements you have you've agreed them together and they're financially fair.

Justanothercatlady · 29/09/2023 06:32

This is not about the car expenses. Listen carefully to what he is telling you about how he truly sees your role in his life.

Jeffjefftyjeff · 29/09/2023 06:37

I have a very similar situation to you except I’m the one who doesn’t drive (live rurally, I earn more etc). The car is a joint expense, we bought it from joint account and use that for MOT, insurance etc. He pays more towards petrol as he commutes in it and I get (and pay for) public transport. But I couldn’t live without it for shopping, going on holiday, visiting relatives etc, so it is part of what I ‘need’ too.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/09/2023 06:38

Meanness is such an unattractive trait.
Do you have children?

CherryMaDeara · 29/09/2023 06:40

It should come out of joint account.

Is he taking advantage of you in any other ways? Is he financially abusive?

Pipsquiggle · 29/09/2023 06:42

Why do you live rurally when one of you can't drive?

He needs to learn to drive and pay into the marriage fairly.

This sounds like financial abuse. What do you do as a couple if you want to do something you can't afford but he can?

Do you have DC? This could be a situation where you would be financially better off if you divorced him?

ShoesoftheWorld · 29/09/2023 06:42

I read the OP and thought 'what's with these men who treat the women they live with, are maybe married to, maybe have children with, as effectively housemates when it comes to money?' There seems to be a positive epidemic of them. Well, housemates don't do your housework for you and (usually) don't have sex with you. He wants yours and mine, the same can go for laundry, cooking and dishes.

DeedlessIndeed · 29/09/2023 06:44

Can you SORN the car for a month, if you have somewhere to put it off the road?

He is currently benefitting from the car. Give him a taste of how inconvenient life is without it for a month.

If he says anything, just say you're not sure you can afford it and are considering your options.

I bet he'll agree to contribute before the month is up.

ShoesoftheWorld · 29/09/2023 06:50

Oh yes, and there would be no lifts from me for the foreseeable. None, unless it was of some benefit to me.

AmandasFleckerl · 29/09/2023 06:51

I had a car and DH didn’t drive when we were first going out and then married. My car, my responsibility. If I couldn’t afford a repair I would put the bill on the credit card and then pay it off the next month. I wouldn’t dream of asking DH to pay, even though he would have. After he passed his test (5 years into our marriage) we got a bigger family car but it’s in my name and even now generally I pay for the service plan, insurance etc. whoever is driving when it needs fuel fills it. I don’t get why you would want him to pay unless you can’t afford it. With us it’s a family car but ultimately it’s mine and as such I take responsibility for it and as for charging him for the ride, that’s just ludicrous, who would do that?

ShoesoftheWorld · 29/09/2023 06:53

Sorry for multiple post - I don't drive, dh does, we live quite rurally (but with good public transport - not the UK, surprisingly enough), dh earns moderately more than me, I couldn't tell you who 'pays for' the car because all our money is entirely joint. It's worked for 25 years and one or the other of us earning more at various times.

honkersbonkers38 · 29/09/2023 07:01

You'll be divvying up loo paper squares next.

Runnersandtoms · 29/09/2023 07:06

Agree with others above. He is earning more than twice as might as you and should be paying more into joint finances. Personally I cannot understand married couples who don't pool all money. I can't imagine nit picking over who was paying for what with my dh.
As far as the car is concerned he gets the benefit of it so of course he should pay for it. It's not like you bought a speedboat or motorbike for fun at weekends!

user1492757084 · 29/09/2023 07:09

Charge him car costs when you drive him. He should pay for fuel and a per mile fee for wear, rego etc.

hettie · 29/09/2023 07:20

Ok...Forget the car, the fact that he goes 'ballistic' and allows you to have a much much reduced quality of life in relation to his (due to the massive disparity in disposable incomes) is a huge problem. I don't know where your model of relationships comes from but this is not how people in a loving partnership behave. He doesn't love you enough to want to see you thrive. Good partnerships make your life better as your combined efforts and joint goals and help to each other mean that in partnership you are so much more than the sum of two individuals. In your case you are two individuals pulling in different directions. I don't know how bad it is or if he can change but you can have a much better life than this op you really can.

Zanatdy · 29/09/2023 07:24

He’s being massively unreasonable. You’re using the car for family reasons and it’s a family expense.

Eggscellent · 29/09/2023 07:33

The same conversation happened with my partner except I said that I would sell the car as he would not share the costs as he couldn't drive - he did get all the benefits of me driving though. So I cleaned the car, took photos, gathered the documents together, wrote the ad (checking along the way that he was ok with me selling), after all that effort he finally agreed to pay for half of the costs. This was 15 years ago and it still annoys me now that I had to go to all the effort for him to realise that it would be a pain for me to get rid of it as we couldn't use it to go out or to see our parents. I felt I proved my point but really had to hammer it home.

OP please do not listen to him, you do not have to be his taxi if he pays half, he gets lots of benefits that he doesn't realise so make his life inconvenient, maybe the washing machine 'breaks' and you can take your clothes to the laundrette but he cannot. It's not right that he refuses to share costs on such a high wage, you keep it for you and possibly think about how he will behave with other things like this such as gifts for family or if you have children the share of the cost of being on mat leave. Being this tight is not attractive and could really impact their attractiveness.

heartofglass23 · 29/09/2023 07:41

Financial abuse.

LinaLouLa · 29/09/2023 07:42

Lineofbestfit · 28/09/2023 22:29

What the hell. No. You need a car. As a couple. It’s a cost, like food and shelter. He’s absolutely off his rocker.

my husband and I sat down and agreed how much disposable we reasonably need. We keep that out of our pay and put the rest in the joint account. That way all this stuff is just paid for and we have a fair amount each to spend as we want.

This is exactly what my husband and I have always done too. All goes into joint acc and then we agreed a percentage that we each take for ourselves for fun spends. Has worked for us for over 20 years

Maireas · 29/09/2023 07:43

Justanothercatlady · 29/09/2023 06:32

This is not about the car expenses. Listen carefully to what he is telling you about how he truly sees your role in his life.

I was coming on to say exactly this. It's not about the car.
He's gone "ballistic" over a basic conversation about finances. Red flag.

Buttons232 · 29/09/2023 07:43

If he wants to play silly games suggest you continue paying for the car and go on a two week timetable.

Week one ( your week) use the car, for both of you.

week two ( his week ) he funds all transport for you and him I.e taxi, bus, train etc.

In all honesty it sounds like the car isn’t the problem here. You’re not working in partnership. Me and my husband have never had a joint bank account but he has always earned considerably more than me. Money goes both ways in and out of our accounts and we very rarely argue about money. I’d give him mine if he needed it and he has often given me money without question.

snoooom · 29/09/2023 07:47

AmandasFleckerl · 29/09/2023 06:51

I had a car and DH didn’t drive when we were first going out and then married. My car, my responsibility. If I couldn’t afford a repair I would put the bill on the credit card and then pay it off the next month. I wouldn’t dream of asking DH to pay, even though he would have. After he passed his test (5 years into our marriage) we got a bigger family car but it’s in my name and even now generally I pay for the service plan, insurance etc. whoever is driving when it needs fuel fills it. I don’t get why you would want him to pay unless you can’t afford it. With us it’s a family car but ultimately it’s mine and as such I take responsibility for it and as for charging him for the ride, that’s just ludicrous, who would do that?

So even now it's a family car that your DH uses you take sole responsibility for the costs? Including using a credit card if you can't afford it? Thats just bizarre.

Dibbydoos · 29/09/2023 07:48

Of course its a joint expense.

Congrats, just like many women, you married an abuser. He's financially abusing you. Now you know, what do you want to do about it?

Humbugg · 29/09/2023 07:48

I absolutely cannot understand why he doesn’t drive.

how about he learns. Then you both drive the car and then you both pay it as a household cost!