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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mums asking for money

497 replies

Nesquik1 · 27/09/2023 22:23

Well not quite that but…..on WhatsApp group Someone suggested for birthdays we should not buy any presents but just give cash. I’ve got no issue with that but one of them has now volunteered herself to collect all the money for all birthdays! I don’t know why but I’m finding all this really odd and dictatorship.

If you want to give a present or cash do it but now there’s a list going “I’ve just transferred x amount did you get it?” etc. plus this volunteer is now going to make a list of all the parents names and how much each one giving?! I’m finding it so bloody odd, am I being weird or is this set up weird? The kids are 4/5 surely they want to open presents rather than get money put into mums account.

What would you do? Follow the sheep and transfer money and it’s done or decide yourself for each child whether to buy a gift or give cash?

OP posts:
LittleBrownJug · 27/09/2023 23:56

Of all the bonkers things on school WhatsApps this is the most bonkers.

Absolute insanity. Children love picking / opening presents.

Fuck that right off. Also my DD is an August baby so she wouldn’t be getting any £220.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 27/09/2023 23:57

I can see the attraction of getting one good present rather than lots of little bits of tat but it sounds a bit regimented. Sometimes I buy gifts in a sale so I spend less but the recipient gets more. If there's several birthdays close together how will the collector know how much was given for Billy, how much for Betty and how much for Bobby. What if someone doesn't want to invite the whole class? Or not have a party? Is the amount per donation 'set'?

I can also see the Christmas and summer holiday birthdays missing out.

Original poster
Nesquik1 · 27/09/2023 23:57

Just to be clear I buy my daughter things all the time not just birthdays . I didn’t mean to sound like I’m stealing her birthday money 😂

I meant that with cash it goes in my purse with intention of when we go shops I’ll buy her something but as I rarely carry cash and when I need to pay for something via cash I use that money. I probably use my card to buy her something above the cash value do it works out in the end. But my point is that a gift voucher or present would be better than cash

OP posts:
Original poster
Nesquik1 · 28/09/2023 00:00

Yeah my child is a June baby so I feel it’s way off and I’m going to be forming out so much money.

OP posts:
Grendell · 28/09/2023 00:00

What could possibly go wrong?

Notmyfandango · 28/09/2023 00:02

This is just bizarre. So everyone puts £210 into crazy mother's bank account and then she gives it back when its your child's birthday. Why doesn't everyone just keep the £210 and buy their own kid a present from the class when its their birthday. It makes no sense and how do you know the £4620 that this woman is keeping on behalf of everyone is not being used for something else?

weirdoboelady · 28/09/2023 00:02

Are your fellow mums horribly skint, or do you think they are setting this money against the costs of the party? It's the only reason I can think of for enthusiasm for this in the current COL stuff...

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 28/09/2023 00:02

I think it's an absolute nonsense, and as I doubt you know this woman well, I'd be suspicious she was skimming an 'admin' fee off the top.

I'd message back saying: nah you're ok, I'd rather send a fiver in a card or a gift.

Jas5mum · 28/09/2023 00:08

I'd only get them a present if they were having a party and my child was invited. I definetly wouldn't be sending money to someone I met 3weeks ago-what if she runs off with it all!?
I have 5 children and never had this happen but maybe because I live in a poorer/more deprived area...

POmonstermunch · 28/09/2023 00:09

Going against the grain where but is the norm at my kids school. Kids gets a present/s that they love and no one has to buy something for them, or a card as one person organises it all and writes the kids name on the card

no duplicates/things we don’t want: people don’t have to go to the shops mand we can spend it all on anything we want (for us Alton towers tickets, a big ticket Lego set we wanted)

you need someone willing to act as treasurer who’s above board

POmonstermunch · 28/09/2023 00:10

For us it’s only kids GOING to the party who are involved. All parents donate between £5-£10 and it’s just easier

Superduper02 · 28/09/2023 00:10

Nesquik1 · 27/09/2023 23:57

Just to be clear I buy my daughter things all the time not just birthdays . I didn’t mean to sound like I’m stealing her birthday money 😂

I meant that with cash it goes in my purse with intention of when we go shops I’ll buy her something but as I rarely carry cash and when I need to pay for something via cash I use that money. I probably use my card to buy her something above the cash value do it works out in the end. But my point is that a gift voucher or present would be better than cash

Edited

Glad to hear all is in order OP.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 00:10

Thementalloadisreal · 27/09/2023 23:41

Or they’ll love the power trip and the opportunity to be bitchy about the amounts given by some parents

Edited
Show quote history

It's just ripe for "Well, I didn't want to say, because you know I'm not one to gossip BUT.... well Mary's Mum gave Lily and Billy £20, but she only gave your Alfie £10... And it's really awkward for me because she didn't give Olivia anything"

JANEY205 · 28/09/2023 00:15

Saggypants · 27/09/2023 23:46

or you could post and suggest 'why don't we all just give our own kids 220 quid and call it quits? Grin'

Brilliant!! Do it do it do it!

JANEY205 · 28/09/2023 00:17

POmonstermunch · 28/09/2023 00:09

Going against the grain where but is the norm at my kids school. Kids gets a present/s that they love and no one has to buy something for them, or a card as one person organises it all and writes the kids name on the card

no duplicates/things we don’t want: people don’t have to go to the shops mand we can spend it all on anything we want (for us Alton towers tickets, a big ticket Lego set we wanted)

you need someone willing to act as treasurer who’s above board

But do you not find it unreasonable for the families that may not have spare money? Or who won’t be going to a party? We wouldn’t buy for children unless we were attending a party and so this would add costs for us.
You could also just not do this and save the money you’re giving to other children and get your child the big ticket items 😂

JANEY205 · 28/09/2023 00:19

Nesquik1 · 28/09/2023 00:00

Yeah my child is a June baby so I feel it’s way off and I’m going to be forming out so much money.

No OP just opt out! There is NO way I’d be doing this! I have an October and a January baby and I’m sure post Christmas people won’t have as much money and no way in heck would I take part and then find out my child ended up with less. Save your money!! I’d only buy for children whose parties we were invited to honestly! I find it really weird otherwise.

Motherofjessie · 28/09/2023 00:20

Absolutely not! Would not have a party for entire class and would not expect anyone else to. If DC gets invite to party will buy gift, if not won't buy gift. What a daft competitive idea! You don't need to follow/abide by whatsapp suggestions. I answer the sensible ones and ignore any I don't agree with.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 28/09/2023 00:21

What a load of old Queen Bee nonsense. Too much potential for people falling out because they paid up for everybody else's kids' birthdays but didn't get the same in return. Fuck that shit. Do not get involved.

User3735 · 28/09/2023 00:32

'Lovely of you to offer to organise, but DD is always so excited to choose what to give to her friends or be able to put the money in the card herself, hope you don't mind'

The one who is volunteering either has cash flow problems, realises this is a way to pay for her own child's party, or is desperate to be queen bee, and has figured out this is the way to ensure her child gets invited to every single party. Problem is, if you challenge the queen bee, you can be snubbed for the rest of school. This isn't reason to blindly go along with it though.

Collections for class teachers are great. I'm all for those, when they aren't wasted on a load of personalised tat or annoying high street vouchers. But this is too far. I'm not against suggesting a 'fiver party' thing I've seen in newspapers before either. Because it's less than the more standard £10, and means your child who hates Spiderman doesn't get 28 Spiderman toys that are on offer in Home Bargains, but this parent has lost the plot to dictate and ask for money. Going through someone else takes all the joy away.

BabyFireflyx · 28/09/2023 00:35

I had this for year 6 leavers. A woman I've never met on the parents WhatsApp group wanted every parent from two classes of 60 to sent £20 to her bank account to buy tat for the teachers. I didn't bother and bought our own things. Never saw anything presented to the teachers from the money everyone else had paid either :/

User3735 · 28/09/2023 00:37

POmonstermunch · 28/09/2023 00:09

Going against the grain where but is the norm at my kids school. Kids gets a present/s that they love and no one has to buy something for them, or a card as one person organises it all and writes the kids name on the card

no duplicates/things we don’t want: people don’t have to go to the shops mand we can spend it all on anything we want (for us Alton towers tickets, a big ticket Lego set we wanted)

you need someone willing to act as treasurer who’s above board

They only get one card too?! My kids absolutely love writing out cards for their friends parties, writing messages and drawing pictures. And they love to open all the cards from their classmates after their party. Pre organised virtual cash giving really sucks the joy our of parties and removed the opportunity for them to learn the joy of gifting and not turning up to parties empty handed.

Advicerequest · 28/09/2023 00:37

Very odd
over keen parent, others too scared to rock boat
go with the, great idea, but we prefer to give presents
parentd whats app groups are hellidh
i removed myself from my kids one in year 8 and it was so peaceful
i missed nothing!

Advicerequest · 28/09/2023 00:39

At that age kids
love opening gifts
i remeber the look of disappointment when I gave them a huge box with a card saying we werE going to Disneyland. They just couldn't enjoy it! The figurine sets - heaven!!!!!!

RandomButtons · 28/09/2023 00:40

No that’s flipping weird. Also totally open to abuse. 30 parents give a £5 each but the birthday kid gets given £60 and no one knows the difference.

Just buy gifts for the parties you get to go to.

Waffle78 · 28/09/2023 00:44

Very odd I always give money in a card. So will the money collector be doing the collecting for her own DC birthday?