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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mums asking for money

497 replies

Nesquik1 · 27/09/2023 22:23

Well not quite that but…..on WhatsApp group Someone suggested for birthdays we should not buy any presents but just give cash. I’ve got no issue with that but one of them has now volunteered herself to collect all the money for all birthdays! I don’t know why but I’m finding all this really odd and dictatorship.

If you want to give a present or cash do it but now there’s a list going “I’ve just transferred x amount did you get it?” etc. plus this volunteer is now going to make a list of all the parents names and how much each one giving?! I’m finding it so bloody odd, am I being weird or is this set up weird? The kids are 4/5 surely they want to open presents rather than get money put into mums account.

What would you do? Follow the sheep and transfer money and it’s done or decide yourself for each child whether to buy a gift or give cash?

OP posts:
OstrichInPink · 27/09/2023 23:35

If everyone's giving the same amount what a bloody waste of time - miss out the admin and give nothing!

Or, just give something little, bought in bulk, like a normal school!

OstrichInPink · 27/09/2023 23:37

Actually, why don't you suggest £30 each child and watch them all back down and suggest doing presents.

Tryingandfailingagain · 27/09/2023 23:38

This honestly is a non issue

Just don’t engage. I wouldn’t even bother responding to the messages from here on in. If anyone asks you directly, just state “Oh DS has already picked out that birthday gift at the toy shop- he LOVES picking presents!”

No discussion required

Startyabastard · 27/09/2023 23:38

This is clearly someone's power trip, can you see the approval seeking of the parents that donated?
I'd absolutely hate it.

Doyoumind · 27/09/2023 23:39

It's annoying when they're that age and getting invited to parties left, right and centre and you've always got presents to buy. But this sounds like something totally for the benefit of the parents with no thought for the children. Poor kids getting no presents to open.

Mulhollandmagoo · 27/09/2023 23:39

My 4yo old wouldn't be bothered by money, she isn't old enough to understand the concept of it (ask me again when she is a teen though... different story)

I have always wanted a friendly breezy way of saying 'come to my kids party, but no need for gifts, I have nowhere to put them' 🤣

Circumferences · 27/09/2023 23:40

I've never heard anything so soulless in my life.

The entire point of birthday parties is the present finding, the wrapping, the invitations, the fact your child can choose to invite who they want....

All this parental control over money instead of gifts is utterly depressing.

JANEY205 · 27/09/2023 23:40

So so weird! What is the actual point? Joyless for the birthday child and I don’t believe everyone will keep up momentum the entire year.

Also seriously weird to not give the money directly to the birthday child and their parents. Why the hell is this person acting as the middle man? It’s so odd!

Thementalloadisreal · 27/09/2023 23:41

Sugarfree23 · 27/09/2023 23:31

Op I'd ignore, or say I'd prefer to give children directly.

I might be a bit cynical but I can only see one motivation that is to scam one way or other.
Their own kid gets from everyone then they decide its too much work and stop it or they take a cut of the cash given.

Nobody wants that amount of hassle in their life for nothing!

Or they’ll love the power trip and the opportunity to be bitchy about the amounts given by some parents

FrazzledHippy · 27/09/2023 23:41

Let's face it, 5 year old kids want to open presents. How sad is the birthday child going to be when they've just got a bunch of cards they likely can't even read yet. I'd just pop a friendly message saying your DC prefers to pick a present for their friend and help wrap it etc and leave the other bat shit bastards to their own devices

JANEY205 · 27/09/2023 23:41

Also Op I would be ignoring the chat about this! So you may think im a compliant parent when really I’m not engaging with the batshit person organizing it 😂

PickledFox · 27/09/2023 23:42

How awfully boring. Kids love getting piles of random crap presents. Surely, at the point when you’re dishing out £100d a year on birthday money, it would be simpler if each parent just kept the money for their own DC.

VioletMountainHare · 27/09/2023 23:42

The sceptic in me thinks those backing this idea so heavily are likely to be the parents of the children with Birthdays coming up before Christmas. A PP is right, this idea will die out and some children with later Birthdays will get little or nothing at all.

Also baffled by the logistics of the whole thing! 🤔

JANEY205 · 27/09/2023 23:42

Incredibly bitchy and unfair to any families on lower income too. Way to shame them and cause upset. This woman sounds like a selfish cow.

grumpycow1 · 27/09/2023 23:43

Seems messy to me and likely to cause arguments - I always contribute but my kid only got £50 type thing. Just stay quiet and pop cash in an envelope at the parties. Or shock horror buy a gift 😂 Hopefully you will find a few mums you can get to know better, and roll your eyes with.

JANEY205 · 27/09/2023 23:44

PickledFox · 27/09/2023 23:42

How awfully boring. Kids love getting piles of random crap presents. Surely, at the point when you’re dishing out £100d a year on birthday money, it would be simpler if each parent just kept the money for their own DC.

Exactly 😂 We now do this with family, I don’t buy for anyone’s birthday in my husbands family and they don’t buy for us and I keep that extra cash and spend it on my own children as a ‘bonus gift’ as otherwise it is just swapping money around and it gets stupid!

Superduper02 · 27/09/2023 23:46

Nesquik1 · 27/09/2023 22:37

This is my 2nd child and if I’m being honest the few times I’ve received money for her birthday I’ve never spent it on her directly! It goes in my purse, or in this case it will stay in the bank and I don’t think I will be able to bring myself to buy presents with all that money that’s why I feel presents are important.

Now that is unreasonable OP. How hard is it to take the money with you and let your child choose a gift from the shops! Why would you not spent their birthday money on them?!

Saggypants · 27/09/2023 23:46

or you could post and suggest 'why don't we all just give our own kids 220 quid and call it quits? Grin'

Thementalloadisreal · 27/09/2023 23:50

grumpycow1 · 27/09/2023 23:43

Seems messy to me and likely to cause arguments - I always contribute but my kid only got £50 type thing. Just stay quiet and pop cash in an envelope at the parties. Or shock horror buy a gift 😂 Hopefully you will find a few mums you can get to know better, and roll your eyes with.

likely to cause arguments - I always contribute but my kid only got £50 type thing

Yes this 100% will be the case a few months in, when the kids have established firm friends and parents have made friends too. If the amounts given aren’t always the same it’s going to be a massive loss for some parents who contributed early on and then don’t get the same back later in the year. Basically it’s a birthday-based pyramid scheme🤣

But if it’s always the same amount then what is the point? You’re just getting the same back you put in? (Groups of school mums often lack common sense - I can say that because I am one, right?!l😬)

gemloving · 27/09/2023 23:50

I actually like the idea if the Organizer would get a voucher from a toy store for the child. My child is in reception and we already have 5 invites for this year, 5 individual presents bought and that'll mean my child will receive 35 individual presents when we have our party. I'd rather have the voucher for my child.

Lovingitallnow · 27/09/2023 23:50

We agreed €5 in an envelope for all class parties, we bought him a wallet and he can go to the shop and blow it in one go or spend bits regularly. We also do shared class parties. So 5 birthday boys per party. It means the cost is spread out amongst the parents and everyone is invited. All working well so far. It's our 3rd year doing it now so 7/8. I'm sure it'll drop off as they get older.

Notsuredontknow · 27/09/2023 23:50

Totally weird, not to mention pointless (assuming you all just get your money back?). I’m quite go with the flow about these things normally but on this I’d say “thanks for offering to sort but we’ll likely do our own gift/contribution as each birthday arises” I agree with you - it just sounds off and I’d resent being part of it!

Tempone · 27/09/2023 23:50

I have heard of fiver parties, all agree on a fiver per card and child chooses present. I like that as it reduces waste and child can buy what they like, but I don't think it needs to be pre collected.
Op do you not your child their bday money?

Findyourneutralspace · 27/09/2023 23:52

Oh god this is a disaster waiting to happen. Party politics are bad enough before money gets involved. What happens when one kid breaks from the whole class party convention ? Or someone brings a sibling along (god forbid!)

I think you’re going to have to be bold on this OP. I suspect others will follow. It’s just a new group and everyone‘a trying to fit in.

JanglingJack · 27/09/2023 23:53

How crap. I was the first to moan about all the bloody tat daughter got for her birthday parties (well past that thank goodness!) but it was her birthday and her face lighting up at all the presents when we got home, and writing a thank you note etc etc

How does someone explain a bank transfer for a 4 year old?

'We'll stick to buying a gift, or cash in a card thank you, bye!'