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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mums asking for money

497 replies

Nesquik1 · 27/09/2023 22:23

Well not quite that but…..on WhatsApp group Someone suggested for birthdays we should not buy any presents but just give cash. I’ve got no issue with that but one of them has now volunteered herself to collect all the money for all birthdays! I don’t know why but I’m finding all this really odd and dictatorship.

If you want to give a present or cash do it but now there’s a list going “I’ve just transferred x amount did you get it?” etc. plus this volunteer is now going to make a list of all the parents names and how much each one giving?! I’m finding it so bloody odd, am I being weird or is this set up weird? The kids are 4/5 surely they want to open presents rather than get money put into mums account.

What would you do? Follow the sheep and transfer money and it’s done or decide yourself for each child whether to buy a gift or give cash?

OP posts:
Nanaof1 · 28/09/2023 20:51

Lighttodark · 27/09/2023 22:32

This is so weird. Why would you buy a bday present for every single child in the class?! Invitation to bday party = buy a gift for bday child. What if there are multiple bdays in a short space of time? How would the busy body manage that. That’s potentially 30 kids x £10 (what I usually spend on a gift) = ridiculous!!!!!

Plus, what if Polly Popular gets a ton of donations and then Susie stand-alone gets none?

Why are they doing this? Is it for every child in the class? How utterly strange to even put birthdays into a school setting. The most we ever did is send a snack to school for the class. I would not have been wanting to "donate $$" to every child.

CM1897 · 28/09/2023 20:56

So if the birthday child has a selfish/greedy/abusive parent, the birthday money (possibly £100+), will go to them and they could waste it on themselves? Meanwhile the child receives no presents?

No chance!

ChristmasKraken · 28/09/2023 20:59

Lightthatnevergoesout · 28/09/2023 20:18

It's quite selfish in my opinion to say ' my child loves choosing presents' so I won't be doing that nonsense. Birthdays are a special day for someone else and are not really about your child. They can do a handmade card if they want and choose some sweets to go with it that is normally enough for 5 years olds. I think OP is overthinking the whole situation and makes it personal because she believes this money won't reach a kid, that the kids would rather get a present etc. When the parents have probably discussed it with their child and agreed on that.

Yet this whole thing is about what is best for the parents, not about what the child wants. Most 5 year olds, if asked "for your party, do you want your friends to bring you a present each, or to just bring you one big present between them" would say they wanted lots of presents. They're too little at that age to understand quality over quantity, or the value of a single big gift. So this whole premise is about selfishly making life easier for all the adults (see also "I don't have room in my house for 20 toys" and "last thing I want us a house full of tat").

Worriedaboutpp · 28/09/2023 21:02

CM1897 · 28/09/2023 20:56

So if the birthday child has a selfish/greedy/abusive parent, the birthday money (possibly £100+), will go to them and they could waste it on themselves? Meanwhile the child receives no presents?

No chance!

But if you thought this was a risk, you wouldn't do it for that child/family. The vast majority of parents just say, "thanks everyone, we received £145 for Jimmy and we've bought this bike (with link). Jimmy will open it at his party. It means such a lot as he's been asking for it for a year." Etc. So much better than 20 sets of police car lego.

MajesticWhine · 28/09/2023 21:09

I think this is a bit odd. Kids this age want a present not some money. It's good for the mums who can't be arsed with buying presents I suppose. But I would resist getting involved. And mute the chat if it's stressing you out.

Lightthatnevergoesout · 28/09/2023 21:30

Sometimes a child is into a particular item that is quite costly and he would rather want that. I have seen a child who hated lego and didn't have patience for it receive 8 boxes of it without any gift receipts. Mum simply had to re gift it all to other kids over the course of next few years.

It's not up to guests to assume what is going to happen to this money. You trust that the parent will do the right thing by giving it all to a kid or getting the exact thing this kid wants. I think some posters on here think that by choosing their own set of crayons and wrapping it up they r being extra caring and that is exactly what a 5 year old would want. It's like giving money to a charity u don't really know if your 5 pounds would reach the right person is it but you just do it.

CM1897 · 28/09/2023 21:42

Worriedaboutpp · 28/09/2023 21:02

But if you thought this was a risk, you wouldn't do it for that child/family. The vast majority of parents just say, "thanks everyone, we received £145 for Jimmy and we've bought this bike (with link). Jimmy will open it at his party. It means such a lot as he's been asking for it for a year." Etc. So much better than 20 sets of police car lego.

Show quote history

But how would anyone know if a parent is abusive/selfish? Parents often show you what they want you to see. They won’t walk around with a label on their head saying my child won’t receive your money. I’d rather just buy their child a toy, or get them some sweets, instead of fund their parent’s next weekend away/night out.

Coffeebutter · 28/09/2023 21:42

Ridiculous! Don’t do it and in fact I would question her openly on the chat.
Literally say your opinion! You’ve got valid points.

We gave cash for a while when it’s was 30 kids at each party and people didn’t want lots of presents to clog up the house. However it was optional and £5 in a birthday card. Never something organised like a teacher collection.

Depends on the child, mine moved having presents to open, some like to save up for one special big gift.

blissno · 28/09/2023 21:43

Some of you have clearly never thrown your dd a 6th birthday party where she received 25 craft kits despite not being crafty at all.

Emmelina · 28/09/2023 22:09

Oh no, parents ask for money transferred now? No way. I can understand not wanting a butt ton of paint sets or something every party, but you can respectfully advise what you don’t want to end up with (no craft stuff/noisy toys please!)

ZolaBudd · 28/09/2023 22:12

You are being encouraged to buy presents for every other parent in a class?

Kat126 · 28/09/2023 22:30

Lightthatnevergoesout · 28/09/2023 20:18

It's quite selfish in my opinion to say ' my child loves choosing presents' so I won't be doing that nonsense. Birthdays are a special day for someone else and are not really about your child. They can do a handmade card if they want and choose some sweets to go with it that is normally enough for 5 years olds. I think OP is overthinking the whole situation and makes it personal because she believes this money won't reach a kid, that the kids would rather get a present etc. When the parents have probably discussed it with their child and agreed on that.

When the parents have probably discussed it with their child and agreed on that.

If my little one told me they’d prefer this over little gifts chosen by their friends, I’d find it a bit sad and be paranoid I’ve made them a bit materialistic or something.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/09/2023 22:37

Nesquik1 · 27/09/2023 22:53

There’s been 6 love hearts so far, 3 “good idea/amazing”, plus 3 people already transferred money or will transfer money tomorrow, volunteer given her bank details in first message, and that’s all so far.

Edited

How on earth can you trust the volunteer to be honest and pass on all the money? Why does there need to be a middle person why not give cash directly to the birthday child?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/09/2023 22:40

POmonstermunch · 28/09/2023 00:09

Going against the grain where but is the norm at my kids school. Kids gets a present/s that they love and no one has to buy something for them, or a card as one person organises it all and writes the kids name on the card

no duplicates/things we don’t want: people don’t have to go to the shops mand we can spend it all on anything we want (for us Alton towers tickets, a big ticket Lego set we wanted)

you need someone willing to act as treasurer who’s above board

But why can't each parent hand over their cash separately? Why does someone need to have it all in their own bank account all year (earning interest?)

Sugarfree23 · 29/09/2023 00:28

Lightthatnevergoesout · 28/09/2023 20:18

It's quite selfish in my opinion to say ' my child loves choosing presents' so I won't be doing that nonsense. Birthdays are a special day for someone else and are not really about your child. They can do a handmade card if they want and choose some sweets to go with it that is normally enough for 5 years olds. I think OP is overthinking the whole situation and makes it personal because she believes this money won't reach a kid, that the kids would rather get a present etc. When the parents have probably discussed it with their child and agreed on that.

These parents are trying to organise what's essentially a whip round for each child's birthday.

They cannot have discussed with every child- some will be nearly a year away.

Why would anyone want the money to go via a third party when they could just as easily put cash in a card?

Someone mentioned kids of abusive parents, they'd be unlikely to have a party or get loads of gifts regardless of what school mums do

Lightthatnevergoesout · 29/09/2023 06:40

I think this is all very depending on a situation. Bank transfer to some random woman in class is strange I agree. But if for example a parent of a birthday child is open that particular child would really want for example a Micro scooter to use daily to school and back or in a case I mentioned earlier when a boy got 8 lego sets he hated when all he wanted was a skateboard. A lot of posters here are presenting that them getting a card and wrapping something up that they got on a sale in supermarket is some top gesture and the child should be grateful even if they dont like the gift. I think you can meet people half way especially on their birthday .

That's also teaching your own child that what you might have chosen is not necessarily what the other person might prefer. Your own child can still choose a card or make their own special one and choose some small chocolates to go with it on top of 5/10 /15 pounds in a card.
Also with the cost of living not much good you can actually buy with 10 pounds today.

Carzo · 29/09/2023 07:02

There's a WhatsApp group???😜

Zezet · 29/09/2023 07:21

"That won't work for us." is a full, and very useful, sentence.

saffy2 · 29/09/2023 07:48

No we would stick to presents, I like buying them, my daughter likes wrapping them and all children like unwrapping them. Just say no thanks and don’t worry about it 👍🏼 x

girlswillbegirls · 29/09/2023 08:13

Lightthatnevergoesout · 29/09/2023 06:40

I think this is all very depending on a situation. Bank transfer to some random woman in class is strange I agree. But if for example a parent of a birthday child is open that particular child would really want for example a Micro scooter to use daily to school and back or in a case I mentioned earlier when a boy got 8 lego sets he hated when all he wanted was a skateboard. A lot of posters here are presenting that them getting a card and wrapping something up that they got on a sale in supermarket is some top gesture and the child should be grateful even if they dont like the gift. I think you can meet people half way especially on their birthday .

That's also teaching your own child that what you might have chosen is not necessarily what the other person might prefer. Your own child can still choose a card or make their own special one and choose some small chocolates to go with it on top of 5/10 /15 pounds in a card.
Also with the cost of living not much good you can actually buy with 10 pounds today.

I fully agree with this.
It's not about your child, it's about the birthday child.
I personally think that teaching your own children about the environment and the importance of not buying stuff mindlessly for the sake of bringing something wrapped that we all know will end up in landfills very quickly is what's important.
A fiver in a home made card is perfect, it shows care both for the environment and the birthday child. They can decide what to do with THEIR money, you can suggest a bigger durable toy, tickets to the cinema where thy pick the movie etc. My children are now older and they unfortunately received plenty of tat through the years. I suspect most regifted as wouldn't match their age. I find this is actually nonsense. We need to stop this nonsense and educate our children in what is actually important.
Creating a mountain of cutter and wrapping paper is not.

Iwasafool · 29/09/2023 08:22

blissno · 28/09/2023 21:43

Some of you have clearly never thrown your dd a 6th birthday party where she received 25 craft kits despite not being crafty at all.

Don't people ask anymore? When mine were at school you'd ask the mum or dad for a heads up about what the child is in to.

Iwasafool · 29/09/2023 08:27

Sugarfree23 · 29/09/2023 00:28

These parents are trying to organise what's essentially a whip round for each child's birthday.

They cannot have discussed with every child- some will be nearly a year away.

Why would anyone want the money to go via a third party when they could just as easily put cash in a card?

Someone mentioned kids of abusive parents, they'd be unlikely to have a party or get loads of gifts regardless of what school mums do

Show quote history

There is also timing, maybe by next summer everyone will be fed up of it and the donations will be £1 each rather a £10 for September kids. Or what about the child born on Christmas Day, whose got spare money for the collection. Maybe kids whose birthdays are just after payday will get more than others.

Just give a gift or a £5 in a card if you go to the party and leave trying to give every child a present. With most primary classes being 30 you can end up with giving money almost every week of term.

housethatbuiltme · 29/09/2023 09:05

Lightthatnevergoesout · 28/09/2023 20:18

It's quite selfish in my opinion to say ' my child loves choosing presents' so I won't be doing that nonsense. Birthdays are a special day for someone else and are not really about your child. They can do a handmade card if they want and choose some sweets to go with it that is normally enough for 5 years olds. I think OP is overthinking the whole situation and makes it personal because she believes this money won't reach a kid, that the kids would rather get a present etc. When the parents have probably discussed it with their child and agreed on that.

I think its selfish of parents to dictate gifts that aren't for them... no 4 year old wants donations to their savings account they want flashing tat and its for them not their parents.

Actually its selfish of anyone to ever 'dictate' what a GIFT has to be be. A gift is an optional nicety from the giver its NOT up to the receiver to demand it, when did the world get so bloody entitled.

If you want to host a ticketed fundraiser then do that but don't call it a kids birthday party as its not.

Happyasapiginmuck1 · 29/09/2023 10:02

Just leave the group.

Dulra · 29/09/2023 10:08

Absolutely ridiculous. I understand this type of thing for teacher presents but gift giving for children should be entirely at the discretion of the giver. It is also assuming (and pressuring) parents to invite every child in the class to their son or daughters birthday party. This can happen a bit in reception when friendships haven't formed yet but would no doubt start to get awkward when people start reducing the numbers invited.