Excluded from work event

[Onionbhajisandwich]

Female colleagues all went out for dinner last night. I was the only one excluded. We’ve all worked together for a long time. This last year I’ve found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within my workplace a challenge.

I wasn’t supposed to know about the event. I found out by accident. A member of management was also there and also happy to keep me in the dark.

AIBU to be really hurt??

I need to leave don’t I?

I have no advice, but I feel for the OP. Exclusion, especially if only one person is excluded, is unkind and nasty. Obviously some people are less sensitive to atmosphere than others if they are not be affected by it. I suspect most of us wouldn’t be comfortable having to work in an environment like the OP’s.

A person's employer does not own them. The employer is not allowed to dictate who they employee socialises with outside of work hours. The employees are entitled to not want to spend time with a colleague outside of work, they are allowedto deliberately leave people out.

But if you've invited 9 out of 10 people in the department, you are deliberately excluding someone and it can be evidence of bullying, especially if there's an agreement not to mention it to the 10th person who hasn't been invited.

Lol, can't believe you wasted your time making this incorrect reply that has already been written tens of times on this thread! 🤣

To people saying this is work place bullying... I'm not saying you're wrong but it isn't actually helpful.

You can go to HR and complain that people don't like you enough to go out for dinner with you on their personal time.
They won't suddenly like you and invite you, they will get better at not telling you.

If you feel challenges with personalities can be overcome then have some honest conversations and try to build bridges. It could help to say you didn't realise things were so bad in the office until you were excluded from a social event. It's a valid point to raise.

If you think it's too far gone and they've shown values you don't want to be friends with then maybe it's best to move on.

I'm sorry it's hurt you and that it has come to this.
Finding friends at work makes life ten times easier but it's not the be all and end all.

Good luck x

Some people are not reading your question properly: AIBU to feel hurt?
you are absolutely entitled to feel hurt (whether it was a social event or a work event) and people here are invalidating that feeling because they can’t read properly.
if it was a work organised or paid event you need to raise it. If it was a social event that happened to be friends from a workplace, then you need to ignore it but still know it’s ok to feel hurt.
i am sorry you feel like this and I think you’re the emotionally mature one to recognise that there have been difficulties with workplace personalities. Some adults can be very nasty and immature and it’s astounding how they round up others to follow along with the group sentiment (when these people would never be nasty on an individual basis). It only takes one or two nasty toxic people to turn the atmosphere and to turn whole groups of people against you. I have witnessed this and these nasty ringleaders have absolutely no conscience. They often spread lies and deliberately manipulate things without you knowing, and you have no idea why people turn against you. Incredible how much time and energy they put into it when they could’ve just ignored you and been civil instead of turning people against you and making something out of nothing.
It will be hard to get anyone on your side - they will simply not want to get involved. (But interestingly they will listen to the ringleader like zombies in a cult). If you can find a new job, then I would recommend it. Staying in this atmosphere will eat away at your self-confidence, and you will be a shell of a person by the time you move on, making it harder to make friends at the next job.
wishing you well.

I think these bullies have deliberately organised this event so that it can’t be classed as a work event. They can squirm out of it by saying it was a social event, when really they know how it will make you feel (they just don’t care that you’re hurt). This is what upsets me. Adults do these things knowing that it’s nasty. Ringleaders know individuals won’t speak up for fear they’ll be next. I bet most of these individuals are genuinely good people who like you and are nice to you on a 1-2-1 basis. The group mentality dynamic is a dangerous thing. Nobody speaks up to say, “hang on, we need to invite X or Z”. They know it’s bullying but they keep quiet as they’re not the ringleader.

Not if it's just a personal social occasion, not a work social function.

It can be hurtful but people can invite who they want. I work in a team of six and we rarely all go out together at once.

From a HR perspective its a little tricky but YANBU. Social exclusion is a form of bullying. There would be some other factors to consider, such as how well established is this friendship group out of work? Its honestly really, really unlikely that they all just happen to be friends who also work together, so I would take a dim view on it to be honest. If it was a one off I would mark it as an oversight, but if I started to note other exclusionary behaviours or more social outings, then it would be work discussing with HR how you are feeling isolated and go from there.

Ah just saw you dont have HR.

It sounds like a toxic and unprofessional environment and I would look for another role. Go and find a lovely company to work for. Life is too short to spend all day with dickheads.

It won’t be an isolated event there will be other things going on too.
Op I would keep a diary of everything they do and present it to Hr, but also look for another job.

Life’s far too short to spend a significant portion of it being made to feel like shit by emotionally stunted fuckwits. I’ve experienced it and would now be exiting any work place at the first sign of this behaviour.

I don't think they're causing hurt because they are misreading this. The vast majority appear to be saying its OK to exclude one person from a team. They're not interested that is excluding, bullying, hurtful and of course herd mentality, they're literally fine with that happening, empathy is rapidly becoming 'unprofessional' with mners

I am absolutely fine with people choosing who they want to socialise with outside of work, if it is a private social occasions, and not a work-sponsored or networking-type event. If it was purely a matter of colleagues with whom the OP has a normally professional relationship choosing not to include her in out of work friendships, then I think it would be unreasonable of the OP to feel she had a grievance. This isn't a reception-aged child being the only one excluded from a whole-class party.

However, she says in one of her subsequent posts that she experiences regular bullying in her actual workplace (presumably from the same colleagues). That is a different matter, and a serious one that needs to be resolved.

Though, as I've already said, it is a bit puzzling that she OP is upset she wasn't invited out socially by her bullies, when presumably the last thing she would want to do is see them socially when they behave so unpleasantly to her. I can only assume she's suffering from some kind of Stockholm syndrome. Either way, the workplace bullying is unacceptable.

So have I. There’s a massive difference between meeting up with a couple of friends and inviting every female apart from one though.

I’m sorry OP, that was really shitty of them

I agree with this by @CleverLilViper: If you've been experiencing bullying in the workplace, please raise a complaint with HR. You don't have to suffer through it alone and there are things that can be done to support you and deal with this. No one should feel that they have to leave a job just because of some people being twats. Although, all too often, that is what happens.

If you raise a complaint, you could potentially mention this event and the keeping it secret from you as further proof of exclusion/bullying just to show their treatment of you.

If they have been bullying you all year and you have raised it with your boss but with no joy, I'd either raise it again, seek support from ACAS, or just leave. It sounds like a horrible, unsupportive place to work.

@RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway

''Lol, can't believe you wasted your time making this incorrect reply that has already been written tens of times on this thread! 🤣''

And yet, you wasted your time responding to it and you added nothing whatsoever of value to the debate.

'Lol', indeed...

why do people always say that?

In real life, if you ARE excluded and make passive-aggressive comments, or rock the boat, people will roll their eyes inside and feel comforted in the decision of excluding you.

People are only embarrassed when they genuinely forgot someone, but get annoyed when put on the spot.

In that hurtful situation, you have 2 choices: start looking for another job, life is too short to try to befriend people who don't like you

Climb the ladder fast and become their boss.

I totally understand that you are upset and I would be too. However, if it is not a work event but just a few people getting together ie night out then that is separate from work. If it was a work social event organised by a social committee or advertised on the work social network then that would be different. I don't think it makes any difference whether a manager is there or not as they have a private life outside work.

This is absolutely bullying and if you had HR I would say to raise it. As it is you might be better just to find another job and rise above. I remember how hurt I was in my younger days when the entire bar that I worked in went on the Christmas do, I wasn't invited or asked to cover work, they got someone else in to do that so it was an added slap in the face. However, I finished my qualification and got a much better job and thought F the lot of you. Try and use it in a motivational way.

It's not very pleasant.

In the ideal world you would report to HR, they would make it clear that this was unacceptable and everyone would live happily ever after.

However in the real world how ever much you complain to HR you can't force people to like you, and complaining to HR is only likely to make you more disliked.

For me the key issue would be how this potentially affects your career prospects going forward. For example if a manager feels you are not popular amongst your peers that may make them reluctant to promote you.

I would start looking at leaving. I've done this myself, not in that particular situation, but when a job isn't right, you need to take steps to find something better. Most people spend 30% of their lives at work, best spend that 30% of your time with good people that you enjoy the company of and work that you like doing.

Wether a social event or work event, I find this really cruel. I would never make somebody feel like this.

I would definitely speak to some of the people who went, ask where they went, what did they eat etc. Make it known you're disappointed they didn't ask you. It could have helped to repair the issues.

So sad for you. Don't leave. Don't feel pushed out.

It is horrible op. Just keep it professional level going forw. Lunches is it group lunch or? My sisters left me out of flights few years ago it was nasty.

I blame Thatcher.

A word to the wise, and also to you - do not enter a career of people management.

As much as I agree this is exclusion on purpose, if others were not invited , irrelevant of gender, and it was a private social event, then you cannot complain I’m afraid, as you are not entitled to an invite to a private event nor are you entitled to know about it. I know it sucks.

personally I would be looking for another job.

Wrong. It is not a private social event when it is all female colleagues bar one. For the hundredth time, have a read up before you keep telling OP wrong information.