Excluded from work event

[Onionbhajisandwich]

Female colleagues all went out for dinner last night. I was the only one excluded. We’ve all worked together for a long time. This last year I’ve found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within my workplace a challenge.

I wasn’t supposed to know about the event. I found out by accident. A member of management was also there and also happy to keep me in the dark.

AIBU to be really hurt??

I need to leave don’t I?

They didn’t exclude one person. They excluded one female. The men may also be excluded. However gender is not relevant. A group of female employees are allowed to have a private social event and not invite the whole department or notify them. The argument of well I’m a woman so should have been invited to your private event doesn’t stand.

It is targeted exclusion of one female. Honestly I am so concerned with the level of sheer ignorance on this forum sometimes.

From a HR perspective, this is an issue. Whether you think it should be or not, whether you go around deliberately leaving out one person thinking thats ok or not, its an issue. How about the women grow up altogether rather than acting like they're still in a playground. Sometimes we all have to spend time with people we are less keen on for the great good, and those of us that dont think that applies to them are ignorant, selfish and nasty,

Actually it's not. It's a line management issue in the first instance. If LM is not able to resolve then it is progressed up the line, probably involving HR at that stage.

Oh I hate this. I hate it for you and anyone else that’s ever been excluded, including myself. It’s the worst form of bullying, because even if it was an “accidental” exclusion, it shows you mean nothing to have been forgotten about. I’d absolutely be making them squirm though! If you’re happy in your job don’t leave, but give no tosses about these people! Do your job, then go to those who do care about you. Got to HR/file a bullying complaint but it probably won’t get you anywhere, but you’ll maybe feel good about having done it. Just don’t give these kinds of people any ounce of your time more than necessary, they don’t deserve it!

Ah this is just horrible OP....if I was you I would start to look for another job. Life is too short for this nonsense...they didn't invite you that is not nice.

Most people would be upset...

I'd look for a nicer place to work.

Even if you do complain they will just meet and make sure you don't find out next time.

She might be well suited to it, just as the poster who recently called me all manner of names in a series of deranged and now-deleted rants most probably is indeed in HR.

I make sure everyone is included at work.

I'm saying people on mumsnet tend to give bad advice often 'Go to HR! Get signed off sick!'

This makes things worse since:

1. You'll be more disliked and have more stress.

And

2. It's harder to get a new job with a bad sickness record.

You need to act objectively with longterm goals. Mumsnet often advocates for petty, short term responses instead.

What do you mean by difficult personalities

I used to be excluded from social occasions at my old work. No idea why really, only thing I can think of is that I held a slightly different role to the rest of the team - not more senior as I was support staff, but I used to sit right by them all and I had to communicate with them every day. The team used to go out and then tell me what a wonderful time they had. It was all very bizarre. They kept saying they’d invite me next time, but they didn’t.

When a corporate meal was booked which the company was to pay for, the team expected me to come along with the company credit card I held to pay for it all. I said that I was sure I wouldn’t be included in the outing, so had made other plans that evening - and went home, leaving the card locked in my drawer. Not sure how they paid for it all.

What a relief when I left, that was the only place I’ve worked in where I’ve been treated in such a way.

If it had just been a few of the team going out as friends, then fine. But this night out was organised with every member of the team except the OP - she was deliberately excluded, and that’s workplace bullying. It’s not OK whatever gender you are, and it a matter for HR - a member of management was there, and participated in OP’s exclusion, which is even worse.

In this case I do think it’s a matter for HR because a member of management not only attended the event, but seemingly participated in the deliberate exclusion of OP. Not only unprofessional but possibly demonstrates possible bias against the OP by a senior member of staff.

Isn't that what bullying is? Singling someone out and trying to be secretive about it? :(

If the manager who attended the even is also the OP’s line manager, then I would think HR would have to be involved though. I don’t think it would be right to ask a manager to resolve a situation in which they themselves participated.

If it's bullying, surely you want them to know?

About what? It wasn't a work event, it was their personal time and their personal lives. It sucks but it's not about work whatsoever, HR has nothing to do with it. If anything, complaining about it would paint OP in bad light, not the coworkers.

I also consider it bullying and very hurtful

I would use it as motivation to get a better or higher paying job.

It’s absolutely a matter for HR because it’s an accepted form of bullying in the workplace. All other members of the team participated in deliberately excluding one person from the event. And one member of management also took part in this behaviour. If this is the OP’s line manager it throws up a whole other matter of fairness in the workplace, because they went along with the exclusion for what are clearly personal reasons.

But would you have even wanted to be there?

you say you have difficult relationship with them…

it seems odd you would have wanted to go

i also don’t understand how think skinned people are these days, how is not being included to a social event “bullying”? It was not a work event, they did not invite everyone apart from OP, they just got together socially in a select group, and having OP come along would have changed the dynamic

it happens

not everyone likes everyone

maybe I’m hardened a bit as have been excluded from social events at work a few times (due to being part time, due to being freelance and at one company because the head of marketing did not like me and she told the MD that if I was coming, she would not 😂. The funny thing is that I managed to keep my cool and we now have a good working relationship. I did not shed a tear about missing that Christmas party either)

What is the most likely outcome?

That HR force them to invite her to social events where neither side will be comfortable?

That HR sack the full team and manager?

I think deliberately excluding the OP from a social event is more a symptom of something else going on in the workplace. She said in a subsequent post that she has reported relentless bullying which hasn’t been dealt with, so obviously there’s a problem. And as I said, even more worrying is the fact that a member of management took part in the event, and her exclusion - that in itself needs to be investigated to make sure OP isn’t being treated unfairly, especially if this is her own line manager.

Not nice at all. The worst bit is the chat next day how the night was.

The outcome would be that they see this as an example of the bullying the op has reported and about which they seem to have done nothing. And also the fact that a manager has been a willing participant in the exclusion of the OP would warrant a proper investigation into this, and other complaints of workplace bullying as it’s possible she’s not being treated fairly. Depending on length of service, if she decides to leave she could potentially bring a case against the employer for constructive dismissal.

You are not being unreasonable at all, its a form of workplace bullying.

Exact same situation happened to me, I left the job for that reason and other reasons and it was the best thing I ever did. I have a 50% pay increase, 2 hour commute reduced and work with much nicer people. My former colleagues are all stuck in their misérable, low paid, dead end jobs.

F them, move onto bigger and better things!

Most people underestimate how long and stressful taking a case to an employment tribunal is.

They can drag on for years and the respondent's legal team will argue a lot of negative points about OP as a person.

It's far easier to get a new job and be happy.