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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband wants to go on expeditions

327 replies

Jude628 · 27/09/2023 14:04

Hi,

My husband is in the forces and spends a lot of time away from our family (3 year old and 10 month old). My mother in law is 4 hours away and rest of family is a flight away so I don’t have any help day to day and that’s fine- I manage (not always thriving but it is what it is and love being a mother and support his career).

However, my husband recently wrote me a letter telling me he has not been truly happy since our eldest arrives as he feels like he can’t follow his passion- going on expeditions eg rowing oceans, climbing risky mountains like Everest and K2- things that take a month or two at least to complete. He is asking permission to do these things…on top of his job, and spend more time away from us and I don’t know what to do! I want him to be happy but I also don’t want to agree to being a single parent 80% of the time.

Any advice please?

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/09/2023 14:08

Did he do that kind of thing before you had kids or is this a new “passion”?

LaurieFairyCake · 27/09/2023 14:08

"I didnt agree to being a single parent, your children deserve your input. Plenty of time to do that in 18 years. Perhaps if you find a Time Machine we can go back and discuss this BEFORE we had the children we agreed to"

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/09/2023 14:09

What did he expect it to be like having a child? That his life wouldn’t change at all?

Dacadactyl · 27/09/2023 14:10

It'd be a no from me tbh.

I would however try to compromise and say one trip every 2/3 years or so.

You didn't sign up to be a single mum and I think he's bang out of order waffling on about how unhappy he his that he can't go on expeditions. He's a married man with kids and it's just tough luck in my opinion.

SueDonnym · 27/09/2023 14:10

Can you move to where your family are and see him occasionally -obviously the chances of both of you meeting someone else in this scenario is high.

CleverLilViper · 27/09/2023 14:11

Why did he have a child or children if he wanted to be absent?

He sounds wholly selfish.

willingtolearn · 27/09/2023 14:12

Apart from the time cost, will there also be financial costs to these expeditions?

Will it mean you and the children will have to essentially pay for them through having less money as well as less time with him?

Is life easier with him there or not there - I only ask as forces wives I have met often say it's more disruptive/difficult when their other half returns.

I think it would be really hard not to resent this 'following my passion' - it is extremely selfish and he's 'opting out' of the hard work of parenting. I think I would have to re-evaluate the relationship.

Original poster

Jude628 · 27/09/2023 14:12

Yes he did do a few big expeditions before kids and I guess he thought either the drive wouldn’t be there after kids or that he could do both because some people do that he looks up to…

OP posts:

BHRK · 27/09/2023 14:13

Tellhim it’s fine but you want the equivalent time off. So if he’s gone for a month then you want a month off too while he’s looking after the children.
I’d be furious with him to be honest!

gogomoto · 27/09/2023 14:13

Is there a compromise? I'm guessing he did these pre kids. How about every couple of years? In the forces they can do a lot of adventure training aid for through work too, is this an option for him (eg my dd climbs mountains fully paid, closer to home though)

DuploTrain · 27/09/2023 14:14

Ask him when you’re getting some free time to follow your passions?

Pandor · 27/09/2023 14:14

How would he feel about you nipping off up K2* for a month or two while he looks after the kids? I mean, if you needed it to be truly happy…

or a beach in Thailand if that suits better

GCAcademic · 27/09/2023 14:15

BHRK · 27/09/2023 14:13

Tellhim it’s fine but you want the equivalent time off. So if he’s gone for a month then you want a month off too while he’s looking after the children.
I’d be furious with him to be honest!

This.

Alwaysoncall · 27/09/2023 14:15

Will he be returning home to give you an equal amount of free time to go on your own expeditions? It's not even like he's a knackered parent demanding a break as he gets time away with work. The time to decide you want to spend your life going on expeditions is before you create two small children, or even once they've grown. Even if you decided to divorce the selfish bastard, he still has commitments to his DC.

Codlingmoths · 27/09/2023 14:16

It’s be a no from me. My message: ‘I have put so much energy into supporting your career and you. I’m practically a single mum most of the time and it’s hard. I thought you valued the sacrifices I make for our family, but now I see you take them for granted. This request feels like a slap in the face to be honest. If what you really want is less times with us and to be a stranger to your children and your wife, then it sounds like you want to be a single dad. There is a limit to what you can ask of anyone and you just hit my limit, and also showed me how much you take me for granted. I am feeling very sad and alone tonight.’

Nschotschi · 27/09/2023 14:16

I was in your shoes and completely get it. Even without additional expeditions I was pretty much a single mother. If you agree to this it won't be just you who misses out but also your DC. I take it he wanted to be a father? Then he needs to put his "passion" aside and step up. You have a life, too, and also deserve happiness. He sounds pretty selfish and it would be a hard no from me.

Vriddle · 27/09/2023 14:16

BHRK · 27/09/2023 14:13

Tellhim it’s fine but you want the equivalent time off. So if he’s gone for a month then you want a month off too while he’s looking after the children.
I’d be furious with him to be honest!

This is the answer. He can have time to pursue his passion if you have time to pursue yours. Travel, cycling, winemaking, volunteer work, a yoga retreat, kayaking... all done one month-long stints somewhere far off.

PuttingDownRoots · 27/09/2023 14:17

He's being unrealistic and living in a dream world. Nothing to do with having kids, just the normal time constraints of work etc.

FWIW... my DH is in the Army and has a few "optional" trips on the calendar... but the Army is paying for these qualifications and he has a plan for them in civilian life (they are for teaching a certain skill, not just doing it himself). He hasn't got time to do stuff purely for his own enjoyment.

If he's that unhappy being married.. fine. You can't force someone to stay married. But he will have to step up with seeing the children regularly, which won't include disappearing on fun trips!

Afterschoolrun · 27/09/2023 14:20

I'd be gutted but I'd agree to it on the basis I could go for holidays etc whenever I wanted or have time out equally or take the kids away regularly too.
This might also involve him paying for a nanny or regular babysitter something so I could equally pursue my passions. But I'd also be getting my ducks in a row to plan to leave him in the future potentially since he's obviously checked out of family life- but I'd wait and see how that part goes.

Vriddle · 27/09/2023 14:22

Also, you need to start supporting your own career. Not his.

Alwaysoncall · 27/09/2023 14:22

To add, I have done my own expeditions and love mountain climbing. But whilst my DC are young, the emphasis is on introducing my DC to my love of the world. We travel, hike, climb small mountains. I see this as part of my DCs upbringing and who knows, maybe one day they may have similar interests and want to join me. My eldest is certainly already a strong climber. I can't just fuck off and say 'Mum doesn't fancy this, help yourself to food in the freezer kids, Mum will be back in a month'.

dammit88 · 27/09/2023 14:24

I think id support him with it ... those are pretty big deals and if he has always done things like that I think its probably a big part of his identity. HOWEVER I do agree that the frequency would have be negotiated and probably the length of such trips, and you would also need to have some time to do things that you would like to do

PinkRoses1245 · 27/09/2023 14:24

If he did it before kids, I think it's fair he does an 'expedition' occasionally (thinking once every 2 years). But he then looks after the kids whilst you get that same amount of time off. And once kids are a bit older, surely you can all do adventure holidays together as a family?

QueenBitch666 · 27/09/2023 14:25

I'd insist on the equivalent time off
What a toe rag

HairyKitty · 27/09/2023 14:26

On top of this would taking time out for these expeditions, however infrequent, affect the amount of annual
leave available?

For example in most jobs going on a one month expedition would mean no
holidays with family for the next calendar year!

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