Husband wants to go on expeditions

[Jude628]

Hi,

My husband is in the forces and spends a lot of time away from our family (3 year old and 10 month old). My mother in law is 4 hours away and rest of family is a flight away so I don’t have any help day to day and that’s fine- I manage (not always thriving but it is what it is and love being a mother and support his career).

However, my husband recently wrote me a letter telling me he has not been truly happy since our eldest arrives as he feels like he can’t follow his passion- going on expeditions eg rowing oceans, climbing risky mountains like Everest and K2- things that take a month or two at least to complete. He is asking permission to do these things…on top of his job, and spend more time away from us and I don’t know what to do! I want him to be happy but I also don’t want to agree to being a single parent 80% of the time.

Any advice please?

He sees himself as some great adventurer like Scott or Amundsen, off enjoying derring-do adventures whilst good little wifey and the children are at home in Blighty by the fireside speaking admiringly of Father.

Absolutely fuck that,

I often take trips without my DP and he does the same (we have 1 child) but the difference is they are short and risk free trips! E.g. I like to go down to London for a couple of nights and watch a show, or he likes to go do his hobby with his mates for a week in summer. I truly think these separate trips help our relationship be stronger, and I hope they carry on for many years.

What your's is asking for though is substantially different and wholly unfair on you.

Having heard that he has already summitted Everest and claims to be unhappy, I will warn you OP that life may never be enough for him. I've met people like this, you could send them to the moon and they will say 'what next?'. He probably needs councelling to learn to find joy in normal life. But I would be getting your ducks in a row OP as these kinds of people tend to leave. Be it deciding family life is 'boring' and finding someone more 'on their level' or dying on their next adventure.

I don't think it's fair the people saying, 'well you married him knowing he was like this'. Op has mentioned he wanted kids too etc so he too knew what he was signing up for and I'm sure there were discussions. Either way it's not reasonable when you have kids to spend so much time away working and expect to leave for months at a time for his hobby. He already does short trips which he feels aren't enough and he's already done Everest so what will ever fulfill him? He sounds like he's always chasing a good time putting his wants and needs above everyone

I wouldn’t be open to any of it. What he’s telling you now, he should have told you before you had your family so you could make an unfettered decision about whether you wanted to be alone 80 percent of the time. Not so easy with kids, and he knows it. He’s a selfish arse who is quite happy to abdicate his responsibilities and expects you and the kids to be waiting with open arms each time he returns. Not a chance. Get your ducks in a row for when even that isn’t enough and he leaves. Better still, beat him to it.

He is very, very selfish.

He should be wanting to spend more time with his wife and children, not less. And writing you a letter complaining that his children and home life, in which he rarely participates, are keeping him from his ‘passions’. And to get you to condone and approve of his plans to spend even less time at home.

Why did he marry and have children then?

Does he even take one second to understand the work load you have caring for his children around the clock with no support or help? And the precious moments he prefers to miss out on?

I would say to him, would you like your children to read this letter someday, how they kept you from your passions? If you took time to get to know your children, maybe they would become your passions, as they ought to be. Don’t you want to share with them your love of adventure? No? You want to have me do all the brining up of these children on my own while you go on pleasure trips without us, on top of being gone most of the time anyway? I, and our children, are your number one passion and priority. Everything else is a distant second or should be. Get out.

I would be worried that he wrote to you rather than sitting down to talk about this. It might be that couples therapy would be useful - just to get you both in a room and talking about what you need from a relationship and what your kids need.

If he can't get excited about the prospect of teaching his kids to love the outdoors as much as he does, then going off on month long expeditions and pretending he's single isn't going to do it.

I don't think scouts is an alternative for summiting Everest, just saying.

'Right, now we've considered what would make you happy, let's look at what would make the other 3 members of this family happy.

Shall we start with the Wife and Mother? What would she like? How are we all going to facilitate that?

Then each of the children; what would make them happy? How will we all facilitate that?'

I’m trying to imagine his little self pity and self righteousness as he wrote that whinging letter. How unmasculine, how unsporting, how boring, how foolish he is for writing a letter all about himself to his wife who does everything, who has to be the ‘man’. I bet he thinks he’s a big man and oh so masculine when he is the opposite. The little ass. I’m sorry, Op, I am angry on your behalf.

That would feel like I'd been punched in the stomach tbh, really upsetting to read. He clearly takes you for granted. What about your happiness? You want to be his greatest supporter, fair enough, but is he yours?

I'm very much for independence in a relationship and people having their own adventures. My DP is currently planning something that would take him away for 2 to 3 weeks, I support it but then he's supported me to follow my dreams in the past and works from home so is very present at home.

But needing to go away when you barely see your family anyway? Massive red flag. You have a baby, he should want to be rushing home to his young family any chance he gets, not spending more time apart.

Pp makes a good point, if he's already climbed everest, this could be a never ending cycle of feeling unfilled. He's got a young family, many ppl aren't lucky enough to have that, he's had expeditions, but it's still not enough

@Codlingmoths had the perfect response I think. I also think you need to start following your own dreams as I think you are in for a life of disappointment with this guy. I'm honestly astounded at him. How upsetting for you and your children that he wants to spend more time away from you....he sounds like he shouldn't have had children

As an "ex" service wife I'd say that you will end up as a single mother if you keep supporting his service life AND his passions for these expeditions . Service wives can end up being more-or-less single mothers anyway, with the men going off on exercises and so on. If he is so selfish as he sounds, I'd be seriously considering binning him off and finding a life of your own. Good luck !

I can understand his need and desire for adventure, and presumably you knew this sort of thing was his passion before marriage. The problem for me would be him going off on these sorts of adventures as well as being away from home for work. That makes him absent for an awful lot of your and the kids lives. I would struggle to have any respect for a man who already works away from his family and then chooses to spend even more time away for fun.
If he plants to continue working away I would want him home at other times, participating in family life as much as possible.
If he really wants to go off on long adventures, well perhaps he should make a career change. He could change to a job that keeps him based at home so that adventure trips away are easier to handle.
If he wants to maintain both, he may as well not be with you at all. Perhaps that's what he's leaning towards but is seeking "permission" to acknowledge that. And by the way, him asking your permission for this is a really shitty thing to do, it puts you in a no-win position.

He’s also potentially going to leave you a young widow for all this climbing mountains and sailing the oceans of the world.

He's got to write to her, he's never there!

Hmmm. I don't have any experience with the military aspect of your life, nor of a DH/father who works away from home. Neither do I have any experience of not minding being left along holding the babies (we're pretty much split 50/50 in terms of family and house duties). HOWEVER, I don't think I could be the one to stand between someone and their passion/life's calling/fulfillment. Least of all my DH who is my best friend, and who I love dearly and want the best for. I would find a way to make it happen.

Your children are young, you have time. Can you arrange for you to take the children to visit your family and friends in your home country while he goes on this expedition? Or for someone to come and stay while he's away, just to be a distraction for you and the DC, to break up the monotony?

My DC are older than yours and they would be beyond thrilled for their Dad to be climbing Everest (or whatever). It would be an all-family project, we'd all be into the planning and the talking and and the build-up etc. It doesn't interest me in the slightest, but I would 100% support my husband or my children in facilitating such a thing. My DH would also totally support me if I ever asked, probably down the line when children are older, to leave the DC with grandparents to go to Fiji on a lazy beach trip with him, even if he didn't particularly want to. It's give and take.

Another option, although your DC are quite young for this, if for you all to go as my friend did. The whole family went to Everest base camp, her DH and FIL tried to summit (inclement weather, it didn't happen). It was an amazing experience for them all.

Ultimately, what your DH is saying is that he wants fulfillment in his life. Everybody deserves that, you too. In a partnership, people help each other achieve that. It doesn't have to be expeditions, it doesn't have to be equal to the penny and the day, everyone has their thing.

He would always support me but i just haven’t needed to ask for more than time to clean the house lol

rarely have I read a more depressing statement on here.

and agree you will be a single parent soon so stop ‘supporting his career’ and get your bloody own.

I often hear about wives being their partners biggest supporter

I would really, really examine this belief and understand what that means for your life. You deserve a full life too. Who is your support?

This

It's not.

The point is to start kids off on their own adventures and to be an inspiration.

That's a life readjustment to no longer being only being responsible for yourself and now being a proper grown up with kids.

Utter bullshit. HE decided to get married and have kids, HE does not get to decide to do that and then absolve himself of any responsibility for his choices. Men are not babies, they aren’t entitled to have women facilitate their lives remaining exactly the same after they have children, they are responsible for their own choices, their marriages and their children for god sake.

OP, I would not agree to this, he shouldn’t have got married if he wanted to do these things, did he think you’d be content to just be his fan cheering him on from the sidelines? What would happen if you wanted to go away for a month, seriously? Ask him, come up with some retreat you’d fancy and see what his reaction is to having to parent his kids alone for a month.

It would be a hard no from me. I do not admire men that go off on expeditions though, in fact I have a pretty low opinion of that kind of thing generally.

I'm married to a very athletic, adventurous man who had tons of free time pre kids to pursue his interests. Once our kids were born, he involved them into his passions - so baby Björn while hiking, kid trailers for biking, kid skiing ropes, camping with little sleeping bags - buying gear for our girls and planning adventures with him became his passion.

They are now almost grown (teen and young woman) and guess what? They are confident, strong women who have a very close relationship with their dad and they have HIGH EXPECTATIONS for their partners because of this.

Your DH selfishness will have generational impacts.

What I’m reading is that he has no interest in spending time with you or seeing his own dc grow up. There is a balance that could probably be found but he’s not even attempting to find it. He sounds like a great uncle. Father and partner? Not so much.

@Alwaysoncall nailed it imho. You and your children only have supporting roles in his life, he’s the main character and has no interest in the side stories. It’s up to you whether that’s something you can reconcile and make the best of. Some people absolutely can, but don’t kid yourself he’s something he’s not.

Alongside all the other issues, if he does go on an expedition, I would insist on an excellent life insurance policy and critical injury policy that covered him on these expeditions as a minimum. What happens if he comes back so injured he is unable to work again and you then have to support the family. Its not the same as when it was just the two of you. These crazy expeditions have a very high risk for substantial injury or death. I should know, I was brought up in that world.