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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to go on expeditions

327 replies

Jude628 · 27/09/2023 14:04

Hi,

My husband is in the forces and spends a lot of time away from our family (3 year old and 10 month old). My mother in law is 4 hours away and rest of family is a flight away so I don’t have any help day to day and that’s fine- I manage (not always thriving but it is what it is and love being a mother and support his career).

However, my husband recently wrote me a letter telling me he has not been truly happy since our eldest arrives as he feels like he can’t follow his passion- going on expeditions eg rowing oceans, climbing risky mountains like Everest and K2- things that take a month or two at least to complete. He is asking permission to do these things…on top of his job, and spend more time away from us and I don’t know what to do! I want him to be happy but I also don’t want to agree to being a single parent 80% of the time.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
BubziOwl · 27/09/2023 14:27

Tell him that's fine, but he'll need to take some time off afterwards as you feel like you need to go find yourself on an extended trip to South America or whatever the fuck else

In seriousness though, I would make my feelings against this very much known and if I were you I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship. I know that gets chucked around a lot on mumsnet, but a marriage is supposed to be a partnership especially when children are involved. This really doesn't sound like a partnership.

Codlingmoths · 27/09/2023 14:28

a family trips climbing Everest is likely to see the family returning home minus some of the younger members at least, except they wouldn’t let kids up there. The op says this is the kind of thing he likes. No chance they can be family holidays.

Knitgoodwoman · 27/09/2023 14:29

I was in the forces, so was DH, We've both done short expeds (few weeks skiing/sailing)... asking for months off with kids that young? NOPE! He knows he's being ridiculous.

ButterCrackers · 27/09/2023 14:30

Say ok if you can have the same days away at a similar cost before his planned hobby time. If it’s a month then you get a month off away on holiday before he goes. I know it will be difficult with missing your kids. It will put it in perspective for him. Get together some ideas of month long holidays doing something that costs the same as his expeditions. Does he have life insurance? Check he has full cover as it sounds dangerous to be doing these expeditions.

Supernova23 · 27/09/2023 14:30

I would be a deal breaker for me. If he’s never there what’s the point in being with him? No way would I be looking after his kids alone for months at a time while he plays on mountains. Things like Everest and K2 expeditions take months and cost probably close to 6 figures. There is also a strong possibility of not returning - literally. I would end the relationship if he thinks this is acceptable.

StillWantingADog · 27/09/2023 14:30

Unfortunately when you have kids you don’t have time for hobbies and travel in the way you did before having kids

things get better as they get older but you have to suck it up. It sounds like it wouldn’t be practicable for you to do similar- how is that fair? Presumably you barely get any time at all for hobbies

IamnotSethRogan · 27/09/2023 14:32

While I think he's being a bit short sighted and selfish, I would say there's a compromise to be had. As the pp said, once every couple of years to get it out of his system and that you're given the opportunity to explore some of.your passions.

I'm a firm believer in being a parent shouldn't mean you stop having adventures, as long as no one takes the piss

BethDuttonsTwin · 27/09/2023 14:32

I'm ex forces. I've known many soldiers like this, it's the reason they chose to be soldiers in the first place. I've seen marriages work very well with this dynamic but others that couldn't tolerate it. You're the only one who can decide if this is something that can work for you. Myself, at my age now, I'd be fine with it but probably not as a young mother.

Frodedendron · 27/09/2023 14:33

I think the issue isn't that it's an unreasonable request per se, but that your relationship seems unbalanced - he has a lot of what he wants, but maybe you don't? How keen was he to have kids, do you think in his mind he did that "for you" so you've got what you wanted but he hasn't?

I know a couple who have an arranged meeting every 12 months to discuss what each of them really wants to do over the following year or two. Over the last decade this has led to her retraining in her passion (which has meant sacrifices for him) and him starting a major hobby that requires a lot of commitment. Could this work for you, so he gets to do some of the things that he wants, but understands you have needs too?

Maybe he could do a big expedition every 2-3 years, but on the alternate years you get more choice over how his time is spent, and get to do things that matter to you?

Sunshinenrain · 27/09/2023 14:35

How often does he look after the kids so you can do your own thing?

I think it’s really important to have hobbies and your own life after becoming a parent but there are some things you have to
sacrifice.

I used to go to different cities every weekend and be pissed the entire time, barely sleep and get up to all sorts.
I then became a parent and went out much less often, more locally and was more sensible knowing I had to get home to the babysitter and be up the next morning.

His time away working should be taken into account.
If he works away on average 3 of 4 weeks then that 1 week needs to be spent at home with you and your DC.
If he works away on average 2 out of 4 weeks then you can compromise and say that he can have a week to do his tasks every other weekend.

I would work out how he often he works away and how often he’s home.
Then allow him a week or 2 to do his hobbies and ensure that you have just as much time to yourself too and time as a family.

Towdalinenow · 27/09/2023 14:36

What about the risk of death or serious injury? It’s not fair to do dangerous things like this when you have 3 dependents.

I know he is in the army, but the risk of death climbing Everest is very high. Surely he wouldn’t be able to get life insurance given how the dangerous these pursuits are… or it would be prohibitive?

The kids could lose their father, you could lose your husband or become a carer. You could lose a lot of household income. Is it worth it when you have a young family? I don’t think so, I think you’d need to have no dependents to take these kinds of risks. It’s really selfish otherwise.

jiinglebells · 27/09/2023 14:36

Has he done none at all since you had your eldest, so perhaps 10 years? But before that did do expeditions?

It's not a totally unreasonable request on the face of it, but it's unreasonable if it's only him getting to do these sorts of things and not you getting a similar opportunity too?

Being in the forces isn't the same lifestyle many are accustomed to and it definitely isn't always the usual way of living that work for people.

I'd hope being a parent doesn't mean never getting to follow your dreams again, but it definitely sounds like there's far more considerations that need to go into it that just being childfree and able to pop off with no notice!

Sunshinenrain · 27/09/2023 14:36

IamnotSethRogan · 27/09/2023 14:32

While I think he's being a bit short sighted and selfish, I would say there's a compromise to be had. As the pp said, once every couple of years to get it out of his system and that you're given the opportunity to explore some of.your passions.

I'm a firm believer in being a parent shouldn't mean you stop having adventures, as long as no one takes the piss

I agree.

OhComeOnFFS · 27/09/2023 14:40

I think he's checked out of family life. I can't imagine working away for such long periods and not wanting to be home with my children when I could.

When does he think you get the time to do anything? There are things he could do such as marathons that wouldn't take him away from home. The fact he wants to be away from home even more than he is is very worrying.

Original poster
Jude628 · 27/09/2023 14:41

i have to add that he is a very caring husband and father and very present when he is home. He has tried to compromise with shorter expeditions but they don’t give the same thrill and that’s just what makes him happy and fulfilled. But maybe that is just something he has to live with until the kids are older. I often hear about wives being their partners biggest supporter and I want to be that person too and not hold him back because life is short but also I have to say how I feel.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 27/09/2023 14:41

Why is his happiness the most important thing. What about the kids happiness, they hardly see their dad as it is and he's wanting more time away from them. How about your happiness, being a single parent whilst he swans off on 'expeditions'. Piss take.

Life often isn't particularly 'happy' with tiny children but you muddle through together and things get easier. He can't choose to opt out of that.

When is your time to do these exciting things? Did he mention that in his fecking letter?

I'm raging for you OP, he's completely out of order.

OhComeOnFFS · 27/09/2023 14:41

Maybe it's time for you to think about where you'd like to live? You are away from your friends and family because of your husband, yet he doesn't want to be there much.

And the ages of your children makes it even more upsetting that he doesn't want to spend time with them.

Isheabastard · 27/09/2023 14:42

I used to be a military wife and it used to be the accepted thing that the husband should be able to go on these expeditions. Wives were expected to be ‘cool’ about it.

I glad to see everyone is saying it’s unreasonable. However I know that some men in military service can feel entitled and they’re not always in touch with what’s normal in civilian life.

I hope the replies you’ve had here give you the confidence to tell him what you really feel.

Funkyblues101 · 27/09/2023 14:42

Unless your husband has private wealth, he can't afford to go on expeditions such as climbing Everest, which costs tens of thousands of pounds, unless he is spending most of his time at work gaining funding. Suggest he look into more Adventurous Training - it's paid for by the military and doesn't use annual leave, is great fun and gives them qualifications so he can then teach the kids when you are older.
I'd also look into you all going on more expeditions as a family - he can carry the toddler in a backpack carrier, you can carry the baby in a backpack carrier. Go up the British hills/mountains, camp, cook on trangias etc.
If you can't beat them, join them!
Btw, military divorce rates are X2 of civilians.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/09/2023 14:44

often hear about wives being their partners biggest supporter

Given you already parent solo the vast majority of the time because of his career I’d say you already are his biggest supporter.

He’s supposed to be your biggest supporter too - when was the last time you got time to yourself?

Do you live in military quarters?

SlipperyLizard · 27/09/2023 14:45

Why is his happiness the most important thing? Where do you & your two children fit into his picture? Just support roles (literally in your case) for his big adventure of a life? Isn’t your life short, too? When do you get to be happy & fulfilled?

Sorry that you seem to have married a selfish dick, there are lots of them around.

lordloveadog · 27/09/2023 14:45

Well that's fine. You go somewhere exciting for a month and then he can.

Sunshinenrain · 27/09/2023 14:45

I often hear about wives being their partners biggest supporter and I want to be that person too and not hold him back because life is short but also I have to say how I feel.

But this works the other way around too.

He should be your biggest supporter and facilitate your goals.

As PPs have said why not compromise and he do them every 2/3 years.

What are your goals OP?

BubziOwl · 27/09/2023 14:45

@jiinglebells OP's eldest is 3, not 10

SleepyJim · 27/09/2023 14:46

I had one of these. Realised eventually that I wasn’t his priority and his job/expeditions were more important/exciting than his wife and kids. He is now my ExH. The only positive thing I can say about him is that he now has the kids 50% of the time and has finally stepped up to being a decent dad. He hasn’t been on expedition since we got divorced.