Husband wants to go on expeditions

[Jude628]

Hi,

My husband is in the forces and spends a lot of time away from our family (3 year old and 10 month old). My mother in law is 4 hours away and rest of family is a flight away so I don’t have any help day to day and that’s fine- I manage (not always thriving but it is what it is and love being a mother and support his career).

However, my husband recently wrote me a letter telling me he has not been truly happy since our eldest arrives as he feels like he can’t follow his passion- going on expeditions eg rowing oceans, climbing risky mountains like Everest and K2- things that take a month or two at least to complete. He is asking permission to do these things…on top of his job, and spend more time away from us and I don’t know what to do! I want him to be happy but I also don’t want to agree to being a single parent 80% of the time.

Any advice please?

He is trying to have both though at your expense. And what happens if your children don’t like wild camping or hiking as well - his notion of being the best dad is doing the things that he enjoys not being there for the hard tough parts

Ask him what he thinks of his Dad as that's basically who he is going to be .

It does remind me too much of the Alison Hargreaves situation where she left children of 4 and 6. It seems to me selfish to take that risk just for an adrenalin thrill whether you are a father or a mother.

So he's trying to outrun his boarding school trauma and win his distant mother's approval in the process?

Sounds like he could do with therapy.

But in the meantime, you could do with talking to someone in a non-judgemental space to figure out why the less than one week a month he's proposing to give you is all you're worth. And most importantly- if it's what your children deserve? I'd be furious on their behalf that he's essentially abandoning them under the cover of being an action superhero.

Basically yes.

I’ve read all of your updated OP. Unfortunately parenting is a sacrifice, not one where you sacrifice everything but one where you must be willing to put someone else’s needs above your own in most circumstances. The fact he is away with work so much and then asking for additional months off strikes me as incredibly selfish. if my husband wrote me a letter saying he was in need of a 2 month holiday (because that really is what it is) I would be seriously question our marriage. If one of your daughters found herself in a relationship like this in the future would you think it was fair?

Good point.

I haven't RTFT, but I have read all the OPs comments, so sorry if this has already been said.
There's more to this than the checking out of family life for months at a time. Some of these expeditions could be genuinely dangerous (otherwise there's not adrenaline hit), what does he feel about taking these risks with a wife and young family.
How do you feel about the risks to him physically and how that could impact your family?
To me that would be even more of a deal breaker than the time away

I think if he went to boarding school, that might be significant here. He hasn't had the same experience of family life.

Let's start with "a letter" Why the hell did he write you a letter? No phone call, no face time???? a letter?? I would even consider calling it a dear jane letter!! Does he not miss seeing his kids or you at all? I think this might be the slippery slope to him leaving you to pursue his own interests for the rest of his life!!! Seriously consider what you want from this relationship with a man (I cannot call him a husband) What would his family think of this>> what would your family think of this?? start getting stuff organised ie bank accounts, ready for the big heave ho because I think that will come very soon too!

My children are well out of baby- and toddlerhood. That’s why I say what I say. It really doesn’t matter in the long run. Let me tell you, a father who is absent from your wedding because he chose to climb a mountain instead - that’s way worse.

In any event, it sounds OP like this isn morphing away from the usual MN “everything must be exactly 50/50 at all times otherwise he’s abusing you and LTB immediately” to a different question about what you want from your DH now that you have children together. Not everyone falls into the 2.4 kids, two working parents, 9-5 paradigm. Other varieties are available and no particular permutation or more right than any other, so long as everyone’s needs are being met and after that, everyone has an opportunity to be fulfilled. I don’t at all believe in the prevailing modern trope of parents sacrificing themselves at the alter of their DCs’ childhood, because I don’t think it’s what’s best for the children.

Children need a secure home, with firm boundaries and as many opportunities as the parents can manage. Parents deserve, once they’ve fulfilled their duties to their children, to be fulfilled too. I don’t think both parents need to be present at all times (bar work) for children to be secure and loved and confident and fulfilled. However, do you, as a wife, need this? Let’s not fall into the “cool wife” stereotype, it’s reductive and demeaning. Whatever you need is whatever is right. He doesn’t get to be fulfilled if it makes you miserable.

Also, things do indeed get easier as the children grow older. My friend took her 7yo and 9yo to base camp, with her DH and FIL earlier this year. It was an amazing trip for all. They wouldn’t have done it even a year ago.

Mayne talk to your DH to work out what you need from him now that you’re not just you but a wife and mother too. You’re not who you were 5 years ago. Things have changed. He can’t pretend otherwise and neither can you. Talk to each other and work it out.

His mum is just like him… former Olympian, always challenging herself etc, a very good listener, helping others etc and she is someone he really looks up to and respects. However she did basically raise 4 kids herself (apart from when they all went to boarding school) whilst his Dad did his own thing

Did she raise 4 children on her own or did she pack them off to boarding school For months at time.

She might have been a great listener to other people and always challenging herself and helping others but how much time did she actually spend with her own children

I think it sounds like he has cherry picked what he remembers of his childhood and can’t see the reality

Like most posters, I think your DH is asking far too much.

One thing I noticed is that you said he ... knows of many other men who do it all with supporting wives. I wonder if you know these 'supporting wives' and have talked to them about how life is for them? I'm not suggesting DH is lying, but it might be that his mates have told him their wives are fine with this sort of scenario - and perhaps they really are not fine? Perhaps they are on the verge of divorce, or have agreed to live separate lives? Or perhaps their circumstances are quite different from yours - e.g. they don't have kids, or have kids who are older than yours, or they have family support close by, or his mates haven't actually gone away for more than a week or two at a time?

Best of luck, OP

Oh op. He has just told you you are not enough. and as for he still thinks he can be best dad- ask yourself would you feel you can be your best version of mum if you were home say 2 weeks every 2 months? Would that build the parenting relationship with your children that you understandably think is so important? No? It won’t for him either.

I would urge you to be much more selfish, and take a few days out. Stop setting for a couple of hours here or there. Take a few days away, and when you come back tell him bits of the last few days were boring to you. They are to me too and I do them all day every day, but I thought we were going to be a team in the less exciting things as well as the big fun things in life. You just want me to be a support act, not your partner that you support. Did you ever actually sign up to be a team member in this marriage, if you’re being honest?

Maybe talk about it in a few years when the kids are all in school?
It's a bit early days and all hands on deck at home for now seems reasonable.
X

Also, does he realise how much it takes to look after children and home .... how long has he looked after everything single handed?

I wonder if this is linked to working nearby for a change. He’s not getting the usual fun no boring family responsibilities work life. Now he’s discovering coming home to your kids every single night and all the work that entails he’s all this is a bit shit, these babies are not entertaining me, I really need exciting stuff in my life and these kids ain’t it. Important people like me don’t come home and clean bottoms and wishes every night. That’s boring tedious crap for boring tedious people, I’m a star.

It sounds that way. Far too much mundane family life stuff going on here, must look for way to get out of it.

"I do sometimes get worried (and I say this to him) that maybe he should have married someone who was a mountaineer too. But he insists that’s not what he was looking for in a partner. But it sure would be easier for him. "
Of course a mountaineer was not what he was looking for in a partner! She would have insisted on adventuring with him. That's not his self-image at all, because he is - (Da da-da DA!) Adventure Man! What he was looking for in a partner was someone to maintain his base camp, raise his children, and be his biggest supporter. He is the star of the film of his life and there are no co-stars, only walk-on parts.

"... I married an adventurer- who knows of many other men who do it all with supporting wives."
Does he, now? Do these other men tell him that? (I'd bet money he hasn't checked it with these wives.) I'm just imagining all these men standing around swapping stories, backslapping - putting on a performance for each other.

"I often hear about wives being their partners biggest supporter and I want to be that person too ..."
You hear about these wives from him, don't you? And he heard about them from their husbands, so it's second-hand information to him and third-hand information to you. Could be true, could be untrue (my guess would be 'a huge exaggeration'). And you want to build who you are based on maybe-true third-hand information? You want to be 'that person' because your husband has (very unsubtly) told you that that's who HE wants you to be.

"Strangely, this is the case for my husband too with his own dad who was in the military too and very absent then my husband was sent to boarding school and his parents divorced. He doesn’t want to be that same uninterested dad. I think because he is so involved when he is home and loves his family it is hard for him to understand how going away (which is often very irregular. He could be home for 3 weeks then away for 3 months as an example) could have a negative impact on our children or myself."
I am beginning to wonder how much of his involved-dad-family-man is a performance too.

👏👏👏. Sums it up nicely.

Depends on your financial situation to be honest. I'm older than you but have 5 children so the youngest is still a toddler but have been rearing children for 16 years now which i think gives me a longer perspective.

We only have one life. It is important not to give up the things we love whilst still meeting our obligations to our family. I think when I was younger I made decisions "for the benefit of my family" that were ultimately to my own detriment and therefore to my families detriment really as I haven't been as fulfilled as I should have been and haven't necessarily shown my children all the amazing opportunities that there are out there.

My husband had a full on mid life crisis notwithstanding all the sacrifices I made of my own personal happiness.

You have married someone that works away therefore you need to fill that huge void regardless. His working away shouldn't mean that he doesn't get to do all those amazing things that interest him as a person. Beats sitting around watching netflix. But it can't be to your deteiment. Sounds like you need in home help with the children and for someone to tell you it is ok for you to do the things you want to as well.

I think we should all be trying to facilitate each others happiness. But given your circumstances you need to have the money to pay for it as expeditions are not cheap and his following his dream should not leave you to drudgery. You need help with your children and equal opportunity to do the things that fulfil you.

Do you have strong friendships. So many women let these slide once they have a family and it is a huge mistake.

Scouts

He is a father, and just as mothers have to put their goals on hold when they have kids, so does he. He probably doesn't feel the urgency of childcare as he is already disengaged living a lot of time away and can rely on you to do the work. The sexism and inequality in all this is really distressing. he is unlikely to take 'no' well so you could agree to a compromise: an expedition every three years starting when the kids are at a more manageable age. Be aware thst expeditions take training and preparation and you will loose him for hours and hours and hours to the gym before any real prep takes hold.
Unless these trips are supported by the army be aware that they are very very costly. Do you want to spend your family money on this and can you afford to?
My friend does this sort of expedition and chose not to have kids. He does have a wife. He was recently offered a spot on an extremely high risk expedition and chose to turn it down at his wife's request as the risk to life was too high. In my view Your husband should not be doing life risking expeditions for pleasure if he has kids.

Oh yes. I agree with the life insurance comments. There are specialist companies for this. But again do you want your family money going on this?

Also I agree that if you do decide he can do this he should be finding a way to finance home help for you and help plan for you to finance and follow your dreams