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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to go on expeditions

327 replies

Jude628 · 27/09/2023 14:04

Hi,

My husband is in the forces and spends a lot of time away from our family (3 year old and 10 month old). My mother in law is 4 hours away and rest of family is a flight away so I don’t have any help day to day and that’s fine- I manage (not always thriving but it is what it is and love being a mother and support his career).

However, my husband recently wrote me a letter telling me he has not been truly happy since our eldest arrives as he feels like he can’t follow his passion- going on expeditions eg rowing oceans, climbing risky mountains like Everest and K2- things that take a month or two at least to complete. He is asking permission to do these things…on top of his job, and spend more time away from us and I don’t know what to do! I want him to be happy but I also don’t want to agree to being a single parent 80% of the time.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 27/09/2023 15:03

On a really practical level, can he both go on his 'expeditions' and take time off from work to support you in doing the same? He may very well say, yes, yes, you too can go to Bali for a yoga retreat for a month after I get back from the Sahara, but can he actually facilitate you doing that. Will he be able to take 2 months off work a year? Plus be present for Christmas and birthdays and family weddings/funerals and cover sick days for the kids?

My guess is no. I have a very flexible employer, but they would not be too pleased with me taking that much time off work. No doubt in the services, they'll be even less keen to be flexible.

If that isn't possible, then he needs to compromise until kids are older and self-sufficient. I mean, before we had kids, dh and I travelled, we lived abroad in some quite exciting places, we did lots of big exciting things. But that goes on the backburner to an extent when you have a family and professional commitments and bills to pay. It doesn't mean we don't still do things we enjoy. I was abroad last week on an 'expedition', hiking a relatively famous route in a remote area. It was great. Dh was home with kids and pets for a week to make that possible. But I chose to do that route because I could only realistically spare a week. I took off a week over Easter holidays when the kids were off so dh could go have a holiday of his own with his DB.

Sure, it would be amazing to bugger off for a month, but practically speaking, it isn't feasible for me or dh to plan for that much time off between us. One day I will do those things again when the kids are older, but for now, I make the most of the time I have and it's still wonderful. One day, I won't have kids at home and I'll miss that too. So it's about living the life that you have in front of you rather than wishing for something you can't have right now.

ButterflyOil · 27/09/2023 15:07

So he’s already summited Everest and that’s not enough? Wants K2 as well? How many other fucking dangerous expositions he could die or get seriously injured on? Aside from all the time he is spending NOT parenting in practice he’s willing to risk his life so he can feel the high and ‘adventure’ and oh well the risk is worth it because he know you’d be there to continue to do most of the parenting.

If it were me i’d ask him how he’d feel about sending that same letter to the children he decided to have. Would he be ok letting them know he needs that more than he wants to be a more present parent?

And if not why is it ok to say to you? He chose to be a dad but apparently decided it was ok not to be a fully committed parent. I’ve got nothing but contempt for this sort of person

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 27/09/2023 15:08

Sounds to me like this is his first tentative step away from the marriage but he doesn't have the guts to say that out loud.

Move yourself and the children somewhere not so isolating where you'll be happy while he's off gallivanting, and prepare to meet someone who wants a relationship.

TrainedByCats · 27/09/2023 15:09

Jude628
…often hear about wives being their partners biggest supporter and I want to be that person too and not hold him back because life is short…

And what is he doing to support your dreams and ambitions?

He’s selfish and manipulative. And a lousy father blaming your eldest for his unhappiness

ginasevern · 27/09/2023 15:09

Did you have open and honest discussions about having children? Was his desire for kids as strong as yours?

PaminaMozart · 27/09/2023 15:10

I just hope he has air-tight life assurance...

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 27/09/2023 15:10

How much time off does he actually get? Would these be work related expeditions?

I think this is a clear indication of where you and the kids fall on his list of priorities, and it seems to be third, after work and fun.

OVienna · 27/09/2023 15:12

LaurieFairyCake · 27/09/2023 14:08

"I didnt agree to being a single parent, your children deserve your input. Plenty of time to do that in 18 years. Perhaps if you find a Time Machine we can go back and discuss this BEFORE we had the children we agreed to"

This.

HoneyBadgerMom · 27/09/2023 15:13

I agree with others who have said that he's walking away from the marriage. He doesn't want the responsibility of being in a family, he just wants the benefits. He is using you so that he can have exactly the life he wants with no responsibilities, accountability or bother. He is not being a husband or a father.

Were it me, I would give him the freedom he so desperately wants. He shouldn't mind paying child support, since money was the only contribution he's made to his wife and children anyway.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 27/09/2023 15:13

The pull to go off like that is there around him - because others do it.
He isn't thinking like a husband and father though.

Giving you a month off to go and do things you would want to do single is one thing. I'm guessing that this wouldn't particularly appeal to you unless you are not fond of him and of being a complete family.

What about the children though? There is no compensation for them. He will be away from them for so much more of their lives that it will impact on them.

(Tell him to consider what proportion of their lives he is missing from already. An extra month is a great deal of a 3 year old's life! 1 month out of a 3 year old's life is about 10 months of a 30 year old's life.)

There will come a time when they won't be so bothered about Dad being away. 😁 Perhaps he should wait until then.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/09/2023 15:13

Oh come off it op. No- he's not a caring husband. However much you want to believe he is. He is incredibly incredibly selfish.
What has happened to you in your upbringing that you both seem to believe his happiness comes before yours? Why does it?

DisquietintheRanks · 27/09/2023 15:13

Jude628 · 27/09/2023 14:41

i have to add that he is a very caring husband and father and very present when he is home. He has tried to compromise with shorter expeditions but they don’t give the same thrill and that’s just what makes him happy and fulfilled. But maybe that is just something he has to live with until the kids are older. I often hear about wives being their partners biggest supporter and I want to be that person too and not hold him back because life is short but also I have to say how I feel.

Maybe you should worry more about being being your own biggest supporter, as your husband doesn't seem to be.
Tell him expedition will keep. Right now he has children to bring up.

Lemsipper · 27/09/2023 15:16

I’m really sorry OP but you and the kids are merely an accessory to this mans life. Id be astonished if he wasn’t sleeping with other women too.
Absolutely divorce and find someone worthy.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 27/09/2023 15:16

Perhaps if he would consider taking a different job/career that allowed more time at home, then maybe he could pursue such trips if they mean that much to him? It's pretty out of order just leaving you holding the baby as it were while he swans off doing whatever he feels like. You might as well be single!

GarlicGrace · 27/09/2023 15:17

Afterschoolrun · 27/09/2023 14:20

I'd be gutted but I'd agree to it on the basis I could go for holidays etc whenever I wanted or have time out equally or take the kids away regularly too.
This might also involve him paying for a nanny or regular babysitter something so I could equally pursue my passions. But I'd also be getting my ducks in a row to plan to leave him in the future potentially since he's obviously checked out of family life- but I'd wait and see how that part goes.

Agree with this - also note the poster says she herself is an adventurer.

I like reading about spectacular expeditions. The expeditionists are almost all men, whose wives only get a quick mention when they have to organise an emergency rescue, and show up in an 'after' photo at the end of the book/video. It's clear the wives exist as a back-up system. Their kids seem to serve as ego props for the Great Adventurer whom, of course, they idolise.

I don't think you can successfully compete with an overriding passion like that. Their identity is "Expeditionist" first and foremost. Father comes after; husband last. Even if he tries to quash it for your sake, the resentment will kill your marriage.

You can either develop your own, separate and more family-friendly, passion or simply plan your divorce. Either way you are a support system as needed; a single mother the rest of the time.

The only way for it to work is if he's ambitious to become the first non-Sherpa to summit K2 with toddlers 👀

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/09/2023 15:17

Are any of these things dangerous?

OVienna · 27/09/2023 15:18

Frodedendron · 27/09/2023 14:33

I think the issue isn't that it's an unreasonable request per se, but that your relationship seems unbalanced - he has a lot of what he wants, but maybe you don't? How keen was he to have kids, do you think in his mind he did that "for you" so you've got what you wanted but he hasn't?

I know a couple who have an arranged meeting every 12 months to discuss what each of them really wants to do over the following year or two. Over the last decade this has led to her retraining in her passion (which has meant sacrifices for him) and him starting a major hobby that requires a lot of commitment. Could this work for you, so he gets to do some of the things that he wants, but understands you have needs too?

Maybe he could do a big expedition every 2-3 years, but on the alternate years you get more choice over how his time is spent, and get to do things that matter to you?

I also think this is sensible advice - but I have a feeling the OP will have some idea whether her husband would support her having equal time to pursue her own goals/interests...I think this is a dynamic you need to be committed to from the start, might be difficult to 'reset' a relationship along these lines.

I'm also interested if whoever the OP's husband would be going with has/needs the same support at home.

GreyNomad · 27/09/2023 15:18

He sounds like a selfish dick.
Did he want children?
What if he goes up Everest and doesn't come back down (not reaching - plenty don't and it's such a waste)... has he thought about that?
Being a parent means putting your children first. Sorry he's not able to do that because he's "unhappy" with his life choices. Diddums.

Codlingmoths · 27/09/2023 15:19

i don’t know a single woman who thinks their role in life is to be their partners greatest support. Couples are supposed to support each other, as a team. What’s his support? Where’s he saying wow you do so much for our family, how can I give you a break?

Lovemycat2023 · 27/09/2023 15:19

It would worry me that his career and his family aren’t enough for him. Does he enjoy his profession? Why is he always trying to get that big high?

When I watched a documentary recently about ultra running the men did talk about the toll it had on their family, but also none of them worked away from home as well.

Appreciate your children are very young now but how will you ever have time for yourself, even for a hobby, let alone a career?

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 27/09/2023 15:20

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/09/2023 15:17

Are any of these things dangerous?

K2 summit is more dangerous than Everest. They're both potentially fatal.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 27/09/2023 15:20

Not a chance in hell. I'd tell him he's already gone X amount of time as it is because he's in the forces. You didn't sign up to be a single parent. He is already away the maximum amount of time either you or the kids are happy with. The kids can't have even less time with their dad. Should he wish to get a job closer to home so he wasn't already away half the time then it would be different.

He has to choose - he can work away or play away. Atm he works away. So when he's off work he needs to be home. Why not use his time home to do smaller expeditions with the kids? Go wild camping or something to give you time off.

Lovemycat2023 · 27/09/2023 15:20

Also writing it, rather than having the conversation face to face when he’s next home, seems a bit cowardly to me.

Bobbielikespeas · 27/09/2023 15:21

Can't he wait until the kids are older and more self sufficient?

Lovemycat2023 · 27/09/2023 15:21

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 27/09/2023 15:20

Not a chance in hell. I'd tell him he's already gone X amount of time as it is because he's in the forces. You didn't sign up to be a single parent. He is already away the maximum amount of time either you or the kids are happy with. The kids can't have even less time with their dad. Should he wish to get a job closer to home so he wasn't already away half the time then it would be different.

He has to choose - he can work away or play away. Atm he works away. So when he's off work he needs to be home. Why not use his time home to do smaller expeditions with the kids? Go wild camping or something to give you time off.

100% agree with this