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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband wants to go on expeditions

327 replies

Jude628 · 27/09/2023 14:04

Hi,

My husband is in the forces and spends a lot of time away from our family (3 year old and 10 month old). My mother in law is 4 hours away and rest of family is a flight away so I don’t have any help day to day and that’s fine- I manage (not always thriving but it is what it is and love being a mother and support his career).

However, my husband recently wrote me a letter telling me he has not been truly happy since our eldest arrives as he feels like he can’t follow his passion- going on expeditions eg rowing oceans, climbing risky mountains like Everest and K2- things that take a month or two at least to complete. He is asking permission to do these things…on top of his job, and spend more time away from us and I don’t know what to do! I want him to be happy but I also don’t want to agree to being a single parent 80% of the time.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
Passepartoute · 27/09/2023 14:47

Tell him to grow up and parent his children?

Yummers8 · 27/09/2023 14:48

Exactly this

FOJN · 27/09/2023 14:48

You want him to be happy and his priority is him being happy too, what a happy coincidence for a selfish arsehole.

The compromise is that he can pursue his extreme hobbies when he no longer has dependent children at home, we're not talking about a weekend hiking and camping here. What he's proposing takes months of preparation and huge amounts of money. He can't just pop off and summit Everest, he'll spend months on his fitness and preparedness so it won't just be the time away for the climb, which would be enough in itself.

He hasn't felt happy since your eldest was born 3 years ago and yet he agreed to a second, thereby increasing your workload as a single parent and now he's not happy, fucking diddums. If he doesn't think you deserve some consideration then perhaps he could consider that his parenting role isn't limited to sperm donation.

I'd tell him no.

Noshowlomo · 27/09/2023 14:48

He’s a selfish selfish fuck. That’s all there is to it. Dads should want to be with their kids, spend weekends and time, having fun as a family. Be the man they look up to. If he doesn’t then he’s checked out of them, and your relationship. What a prick

JFDIYOLO · 27/09/2023 14:50

I didn't sign up to be a single mother.

I didn't sign up to be the one doing all the childcare and homecare work alone.

I signed up to be your wife and partner and co parent to your children with you.

I signed up to a life where we both had work, family life, leisure, time together and yes, time to ourselves.

Bearing and caring for your children meant I gave up so many opportunities to travel/see friends and family/go to museums/theatre/events/festivals/classes (insert your favourites).

I also would like the opportunity for a more fulfilling / self indulgent aspect to my life.

Let's discuss how we can make this happen in a fair and equal way, where we both have the opportunities we crave.

drspouse · 27/09/2023 14:50

As a PP has said, he should be spending his time encouraging his DC to love the outdoors. 3 is a good age to learn to swim and cycle. 10 months can go up hills in a backpack!

jiinglebells · 27/09/2023 14:51

BubziOwl · 27/09/2023 14:45

@jiinglebells OP's eldest is 3, not 10

😂 amazing I read it as ten and 3 months! Clearly the midweek slump is hitting hard.

Sorry OP, my lack of reading comprehension!

BubziOwl · 27/09/2023 14:51

FOJN · 27/09/2023 14:48

You want him to be happy and his priority is him being happy too, what a happy coincidence for a selfish arsehole.

The compromise is that he can pursue his extreme hobbies when he no longer has dependent children at home, we're not talking about a weekend hiking and camping here. What he's proposing takes months of preparation and huge amounts of money. He can't just pop off and summit Everest, he'll spend months on his fitness and preparedness so it won't just be the time away for the climb, which would be enough in itself.

He hasn't felt happy since your eldest was born 3 years ago and yet he agreed to a second, thereby increasing your workload as a single parent and now he's not happy, fucking diddums. If he doesn't think you deserve some consideration then perhaps he could consider that his parenting role isn't limited to sperm donation.

I'd tell him no.

Spot on

cocksstrideintheevening · 27/09/2023 14:52

Pandor · 27/09/2023 14:14

How would he feel about you nipping off up K2* for a month or two while he looks after the kids? I mean, if you needed it to be truly happy…

  • or a beach in Thailand if that suits better

This.

Wha did he think life would be like with kids?

WestwardHo1 · 27/09/2023 14:52

My ex used to ask me "permission" to do things like this.

He's basically removing the responsibility from himself so that he can blame you if you understandably express reservations about it. "My wife wouldn't let me go". He is in essence giving himself permission to justifiably resent you.

NumberTheory · 27/09/2023 14:52

Jude628 · 27/09/2023 14:41

i have to add that he is a very caring husband and father and very present when he is home. He has tried to compromise with shorter expeditions but they don’t give the same thrill and that’s just what makes him happy and fulfilled. But maybe that is just something he has to live with until the kids are older. I often hear about wives being their partners biggest supporter and I want to be that person too and not hold him back because life is short but also I have to say how I feel.

This only works when it’s reciprocal. Is he your biggest supporter? What is/has he done to help you be happy? You live far away from the people who might support you - was that because you wanted to move away or because his life and career made it seem necessary? He’s telling you he isn’t happy - has he mentioned any concern for whether you’d be happy if he went off on the expeditions again? Or how he could redress the balance for you?

And what about for his children? Has he mentioned anything about how he can ensure these expeditions don’t negatively impact them (and if he has, is it a way that doesn’t then put a further burden on you)?

Being your partner’s biggest supporter is, in my experience, a big part of a happy marriage, but only if you aren’t selling out your own and your children’s lives to do it. You both have to ensure the children are well catered for and he has to be your biggest supporter too. If it’s only one way you are building up to a resentful family life where you will look back in 10 years time and wonder why you wasted so many good years on him.

Goldbar · 27/09/2023 14:53

I'd agree to this on the basis that I could move closer to my family.

You may as well start future-proofing your life in case of separation. If your relationship ends up failing, you'll be much better off as a single parent living somewhere that you can get day-to-day support from your family rather than stuck miles from any help and unable to move the kids.

Stripeypyjamas · 27/09/2023 14:54

Is he Winnie-the-Pooh?

I would be suggesting that he surmounts the impossible by doing a weekly shop in tesco with the DC and remembers everything he needs.

Funkyblues101 · 27/09/2023 14:56

You mention the expeditions aren't long enough for him.
Unfortunately, when marrying and having children he left that part of his life behind for a decade or two. Many never accept that and the marriages break down. Many do accept it, and the marriages thrive on tiny expeditions for the whole family, albeit with the wives rolling their eyes a bit at another weekend on a rainy hillside.
He either grows up or ships out.

Andnowtowhatcomesnext · 27/09/2023 14:56

I would agree to one a year and that you get the equivalent time away - holiday with friends may be.

Eve Rodsky Fair Play is a great book. I was recommended it here. His expeditions would be classed as ‘unicorn time’ and her view is, you should both get equal amounts of it.

mathanxiety · 27/09/2023 14:57

LaurieFairyCake · 27/09/2023 14:08

"I didnt agree to being a single parent, your children deserve your input. Plenty of time to do that in 18 years. Perhaps if you find a Time Machine we can go back and discuss this BEFORE we had the children we agreed to"

This.

He's telling you he has checked out of the marriage and the co-parenting.

Riverlee · 27/09/2023 14:57

Can you suggest you start doing expeditions as a family? It could be something as simple as camping in the Lake District.

To be honest though, it doesn’t really sound like he’s really adjusted to being a family. He lives a single life while away on tour, and can’t cope with having responsibilities whilst at home - twos company, threes a crowd etc. He probably likes the idea of a family, more than the reality.

ChaToilLeam · 27/09/2023 14:57

What is it with men that don’t understand that their lives have to change when they become fathers?

He sounds selfish and unrealistic.

Original poster
Jude628 · 27/09/2023 14:58

I actually found out I was pregnant when he was summiting Everest lol he always wanted to become a dad and is honestly very family oriented. But sometimes the world tricks you into believing you can have it all I guess. Or that children will change your mindset maybe. He would always support me but i just haven’t needed to ask for more than time to clean the house lol

We live in a beautiful part of the U.K. and have great family adventures. It is hard because I don’t have an equal passion- I’m happy just going on big walks and being with my family! Glad to hear I’m not being unreasonable and I think every 2-3 years is fair. He is likely to help lead these expeditions so the money aspect is avoided. X

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 27/09/2023 14:58

Tell him to do something constructive with this desire.

Do Scouts.

Find a friend, and have an adventure one night a week (for mental health reasons)

Take up something he's not done before.

And it has to be fair to you - as in you get equal break.

Point being whatever he does has to benefit someone else / be within reason. Or it's taking the piss and a cop out of responsibilities that he's dumping on you.

Maybe say, one big expedition but that's it. And he needs to ensure his life insurance is up to scratch. And that the cost of it doesn't mean the family is hard up as a result. (And good luck with that).

Notjustabrunette · 27/09/2023 14:59

The amount of men who seem to think it’s fine to opt out of parenting is staggering. My husband tried to pull this stunt in me once (working overseas rather than jollies) I told him he wasn’t a dad, he was a fun uncle and if he wanted to do it so much he could take the kids with him. It was an eye opener for him. Especially the fun uncle bit. He really did think he was being a dad despite him not even being around. He is now very hands on btw.

WowOK · 27/09/2023 14:59

Your husband is being unreasonable. Your kids are too young for him to be spending so much time away. They currently are at ages that require a lot of attention. I think he needs to wait until they are more self sufficient. The odd long weekend here and there is reasonable. Although, you should also get the odd weekend as well. You need time as a couple. Time with the children and time alone pursuing your interests ,(even if that is just being you and not having to meet other peoples needs. It's not all about him and his needs.

PaminaMozart · 27/09/2023 15:00

Vriddle · 27/09/2023 14:22

Also, you need to start supporting your own career. Not his.

I agree. Because you'll be a single parent in reality, not just in name, before long. Time to get your ducks in a row as this marriage won't go the distance.

ZebrasLoveLions · 27/09/2023 15:01

You married him and had kids with him knowing that a) he would be away a lot already and b) he liked expeditions. You had kids under those conditions.

As this is the case, it is not fair for you to try and stop him.

If it were my husband, I would say no, but that would never occur anyway because I didn’t sign up to marry someone who wanted to bugger off out of family life in the name of career or “passions”.

Sallyh87 · 27/09/2023 15:02

I would laugh in his face. My god, I have never heard of anything so selfish.

Since I had my first, I miss spending a lot of time relaxing, reading books and travelling. However, this is what I signed up for and also love my kids.

I do miss eating out in restaurants at the drop of a hat. Oh and having money!

Tell him to get over himself and if he doesn’t move on. What use is he currently? Also, how pathetic to write it in a letter! He knows it’s ridiculous and wasn’t brave enough to ask to your face.