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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is gross and unacceptable

200 replies

wittsendd · 27/09/2023 10:04

Last night, our puppy wee'd on the rug, instead of soaking it up with paper towels, as we would both usually do, my partner just sprayed straight over it with the Stain & Odour removing spray. I was washing dishes, then letting the dog out at the time.

It was late and he had an early start this morning, which seems to be his 'reason'. When I raised it with him he said he'll do things as he sees fit, this does not bode well as his standards are almost non existent.

This has made me furious, our toddler plays on the rug and I find it disgusting that he couldn't be bothered to do a proper job of cleaning up. Shouldn't a basic level of cleanliness be a given?
We both work pt, and split the cost of everything 50/50. I do almost everything around the house and have had to convince him to take on the job of regularly doing the bins and He often doesn't fully finish jobs, for example;

-Empties bin, but won't put a new bag in
-Puts toddler to bed, but doesn't bring the empty bottle downstairs or wash it, & leaves clothes all over the bathroom
-Leaves his dirty laundry on the floor
-Leaves his clean laundry all over the place and won't put it away, it just hangs around the bedroom til he wears it again
-Goes food shopping. But doesn't put it away, or sometimes even in the kitchen

  • if he (rarely) cooks, leaves a huge mess
-takes toddler swimming, but doesn't sort the towels/ swimsuits afterwards

Am I asking too much? Do we just have different ways of doing things, which I should accept? For context, We are both in our 40s and have been together 4 yrs.

I'm also very curious if any men have an opinion on this. Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
VenusInPrimark · 27/09/2023 10:18

If you want men's opinion ask in a male dominated forum.

Good luck with your manchild, always makes me laugh when women gloat they are 50-50 in finances as a 'strong and independent woman' but then you find out she's faring out far worse, picking up the bulk of domestic and child tasks, suddenly a 50-50 financial split is such a brilliant set up for these men who convince you it's feminist.

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 27/09/2023 10:21

So he's a half a job Bob then.

Hermittrismegistus · 27/09/2023 10:21

What the hell made you think it was a good idea to have a child and get a puppy with this man? Seriously, you must’ve known what he was like if he doesn’t even pick his clothes off the floor.

PurpIe · 27/09/2023 10:22

Dogs in homes is filthy anyway. What's an extra bit of piss on the rug? It'll have its ass on there anyway. Gross.
What good is soaking piss up anyway? There'll still be piss on the rug unless you put it through the washing machine.

IsThePopeCatholic · 27/09/2023 10:24

You’ve got yourself a lazy, disrespectful manchild I’m afraid.

DiaNaranja · 27/09/2023 10:25

Completely missing the point, but if your dog is regularly peeing on soft furnishings, soaking it up with paper towels won't cut it. Get a carpet cleaning machine, as that actually sucks up the piss and cleans it. I've got a bissel spot cleaner (not for pet piss) but kid related spillages, and it's amazing, you'll be mortified of the colour of the water it sucks up initially, but with regular use it keeps everything nice and clean

Madamwahselle · 27/09/2023 10:25

@PurpIe did someone piss on your rug this morning 😂

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 27/09/2023 10:25

PurpIe · 27/09/2023 10:22

Dogs in homes is filthy anyway. What's an extra bit of piss on the rug? It'll have its ass on there anyway. Gross.
What good is soaking piss up anyway? There'll still be piss on the rug unless you put it through the washing machine.

That didn't take long. 🙄

Lemsipper · 27/09/2023 10:31

Yes it’s grim OP. I don’t really think you can change him unfortunately if that’s how he reacted when you brought it up. I guess focus on the fact that he must bring you more happiness than unhappiness :/. And if he doesn’t, then you know what to do…

Original poster
wittsendd · 27/09/2023 10:36

VenusInPrimark · 27/09/2023 10:18

If you want men's opinion ask in a male dominated forum.

Good luck with your manchild, always makes me laugh when women gloat they are 50-50 in finances as a 'strong and independent woman' but then you find out she's faring out far worse, picking up the bulk of domestic and child tasks, suddenly a 50-50 financial split is such a brilliant set up for these men who convince you it's feminist.

Thanks for your response, I'm interested to hear from both men & women, I think most women I know, would agree with me, curious if men would too.

Certainly not gloating about the finances, just trying to give a full picture as financial arrangements affect power dynamics/ division of labour etc, neither of us are high earners at the moment.

OP posts:
VenusInPrimark · 27/09/2023 10:38

@wittsendd I am totally with you it's gross and he is very annoying not to do a complete job but honestly it would be better to push him to work full time as he will be more useful then as I don't think he will learn or change. At least if he's bringing in money he'll be adding more to your family. You're doing too much right now.

Original poster
wittsendd · 27/09/2023 10:38

DiaNaranja · 27/09/2023 10:25

Completely missing the point, but if your dog is regularly peeing on soft furnishings, soaking it up with paper towels won't cut it. Get a carpet cleaning machine, as that actually sucks up the piss and cleans it. I've got a bissel spot cleaner (not for pet piss) but kid related spillages, and it's amazing, you'll be mortified of the colour of the water it sucks up initially, but with regular use it keeps everything nice and clean

The pup has had a few accidents but is getting much better, I will check this out, it sounds great!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 27/09/2023 10:48

You seem to think things 'should' be a particular way, that things 'should' be cleaned to a particular standard, you 'should' have things the way you like them, you 'deserve' particular behaviours from him.

Why? Why doesn't he deserve for you to enjoy things his way? Why do you get to be the one deciding the standards? There are no rules. He's entitled to be a slob if he wants, isn't he?

Watchkeys · 27/09/2023 10:50

You think that most women would agree that their partner should do things to their standards? Or you think most women would agree on the correct manner to clear up a dog accident?

Gnomegnomegnome · 27/09/2023 10:51

We also have the bissell spot cleaner which is great for puppy pee (and young children mess).

Duolily · 27/09/2023 10:52

Watchkeys · 27/09/2023 10:48

You seem to think things 'should' be a particular way, that things 'should' be cleaned to a particular standard, you 'should' have things the way you like them, you 'deserve' particular behaviours from him.

Why? Why doesn't he deserve for you to enjoy things his way? Why do you get to be the one deciding the standards? There are no rules. He's entitled to be a slob if he wants, isn't he?

I think there are certainly “should”s when you are caring for a child or animal, that’s why we have children’s services and RSPCA. Of course he’s just a skank and has low standards, if it was just her and him together then maybe that’s up to him and then up to her to judge if she’s ok with that. But it’s not, he’s a father now and has responsibilities

KimberleyClark · 27/09/2023 10:54

Get a rug you can put in the washing machine. Sorted.

Janieforever · 27/09/2023 10:55

My husband is an adult and perfectly capable of taking care of his home environment. The fact he does this isn’t as he’s male. It’s as that’s who he is. I can’t understand why you decided to have both a child and a puppy with someone like this.

BrawnWild · 27/09/2023 10:56

What was he like before you you kids?

Spidey66 · 27/09/2023 11:03

If you have hard floors and rugs, get rid of the rugs. When our dog was a pup, it was more inclined to have an accident on the rug. I think it's more comfortable for them (when she's out, she's more inclined to go on grass rather than pavement). She's an adult now so any accident is because she's not well or something. We have hard floors everywhere except the bedrooms and she's not allowed there. Pet accidents are so much easier to deal with on hard floors.

randomchap · 27/09/2023 11:10

It's one thing to have different standards, but it appears that he has none at all.

Urine needs to be cleared up quickly otherwise it can soak into floorboards and make the house stink.

He seems to be doing shitty half jobs so that you will just take over and do them for him.

Original poster
wittsendd · 27/09/2023 11:12

We both have a responsibility to keep our home clean and tidy, and we actually agreed on some basic things before we moved in together.

The rug will be professionally cleaned, it's not really the point.

I can't relax in a mess, I won't live in a dirty house, he knows this.

He just doesn't seem to care, or be bothered. He says he prefers things clean and tidy, and appreciates that I keep the house in order. But not enough to do it himself?

OP posts:
Original poster
wittsendd · 27/09/2023 11:14

Watchkeys · 27/09/2023 10:50

You think that most women would agree that their partner should do things to their standards? Or you think most women would agree on the correct manner to clear up a dog accident?

Probably both, ideally a couple agree on reasonable standards they can both live with, and maintain

OP posts:
queenMab99 · 27/09/2023 11:15

Dog, plus small children means a couple of interchangeable washable rugs would be more sensible, or keep your dog out of the main room until it is housetrained.

Original poster
wittsendd · 27/09/2023 11:16

Watchkeys · 27/09/2023 10:48

You seem to think things 'should' be a particular way, that things 'should' be cleaned to a particular standard, you 'should' have things the way you like them, you 'deserve' particular behaviours from him.

Why? Why doesn't he deserve for you to enjoy things his way? Why do you get to be the one deciding the standards? There are no rules. He's entitled to be a slob if he wants, isn't he?

When he has asked me to do something differently I'm the kitchen, which was entirely within reason, I have done it. We agreed there 'should' be standards of cleanliness and tidiness before we moved in together.

OP posts:
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