To think this is gross and unacceptable

[wittsendd]

Last night, our puppy wee'd on the rug, instead of soaking it up with paper towels, as we would both usually do, my partner just sprayed straight over it with the Stain & Odour removing spray. I was washing dishes, then letting the dog out at the time.

It was late and he had an early start this morning, which seems to be his 'reason'. When I raised it with him he said he'll do things as he sees fit, this does not bode well as his standards are almost non existent.

This has made me furious, our toddler plays on the rug and I find it disgusting that he couldn't be bothered to do a proper job of cleaning up. Shouldn't a basic level of cleanliness be a given?
We both work pt, and split the cost of everything 50/50. I do almost everything around the house and have had to convince him to take on the job of regularly doing the bins and He often doesn't fully finish jobs, for example;

-Empties bin, but won't put a new bag in
-Puts toddler to bed, but doesn't bring the empty bottle downstairs or wash it, & leaves clothes all over the bathroom
-Leaves his dirty laundry on the floor
-Leaves his clean laundry all over the place and won't put it away, it just hangs around the bedroom til he wears it again
-Goes food shopping. But doesn't put it away, or sometimes even in the kitchen

• if he (rarely) cooks, leaves a huge mess

-takes toddler swimming, but doesn't sort the towels/ swimsuits afterwards

Am I asking too much? Do we just have different ways of doing things, which I should accept? For context, We are both in our 40s and have been together 4 yrs.

I'm also very curious if any men have an opinion on this. Thanks for reading!

It's pretty well known that most women in abusive relationships don't leave them. A lot of OPs in horrible relationships will leave the thread but not the partner.

I'm really not worried about this. I don't believe there are enough women deliberately putting themselves and their kids through the upheaval and permanent change of divorce when they are actually happy just because MN said so. As before, almost all women at the point of asking MN about it are in terrible relationships anyway. I'm more worried about how come there are so many of them.

I wouldn't even visit someone with dogs. Yuck!

I think you need to remind him that you moved in with him because the things he said to you made you believe that he had the same ideas about housework as you. It’s now apparently clear that that is not the case and you would not have continued with him if you’d known them what you know now. So he either starts doing things properly, he pays for a cleaner to do his share (and, no, two hours on a Tuesday morning is not enough) or you sell the house and live separately so you don’t end up viewing him as just another thing you have to clean up after and losing all sexual attraction to him.

Do you have tips for working around it?

I don't either! No interest in going to someone's home if they have a dog.

I think you've jumped ahead to abusive relationships, I wouldn't say it it what we are dealing with here. Hence why I think a lot of the LTB yelps are a tad hysterical, sometimes even fuelled by the posters personal issues, which comments have triggered.

It's okay we disagree on this, it's clear that neither of us are going to change our mind, but it's been an interesting discussion so thanks for stating your points of view so succinctly. Hopefully we've not derailed this thread too savagely.

Are we married to the same bloke?

Joking apart, contrary to what some MNetters might suggest, I'm still convinced there are far more families with this dynamic than there are where the man does more than 'his fair share' - certainly in the 35+ age range.

My DH is the same, if not worse. BUT, I blame myself in some respects - I've let him become the useless domestic oik that he is today.

However, I would far rather have a domestic pig living with me who is otherwise kind, loving and just a generally all-round nice guy, than someone who splits all the chores 50-50 but is otherwise a bit of a selfish twat!

My DH may be a lazy arse in the house, and some may perceive the way we work as archaic, but there's no one else in the world who I'd trust with my welfare and wellbeing as much as him. And in my book, to be able to still say that after 25+ years is priceless.

However, I would far rather have a domestic pig living with me who is otherwise kind, loving and just a generally all-round nice guy, than someone who splits all the chores 50-50 but is otherwise a bit of a selfish twat!

You do know those aren't the only two options, don't you?

I replied to wrong post! 😱

Well, if it's all your fault like you say it is...I think it's very unusual to find a slovenly, lazy man who treats you like a skivvy to be attractive, or not to think that's a sign of someone who is a bit of a selfish twat. If it works for you because you think it's your fault though, great. But you sound to me a little as though you're trying to convince yourself after 25 years of this.

You sound fun.

Well he's not actually cleaned anything off the carpet has he, does he understand that? There is no point in spraying it if you're not going to soak it up, he might as well have just left it.

What he's done is like getting a cup of piss, spraying disinfectant into it a couple of times and then pouring it all over the carpet.

Is that OK?

I honestly couldn't live with this. The excuse of having an early start really doesn't hold up - it takes an extra 5-10 minutes to clean it properly. It's just laziness.

Thanks for all the replies, some interesting points and views

To clarify, usually we would soak the urine up, then clean, & then finally spray with the enzyme spray. We have ordered the Bissel, rugs too big for the washing machine but it will be professionally cleaned and put away for now. 😅 we both wanted the puppy and are both training her, she is not allowed on the furniture or upstairs (hard floors downstairs) & is doing well.

We are going to have a serious chat about each pulling our weight, what that looks like and specifically him finishing jobs he starts.. maybe the Fair play cards are worth looking at too. It's a bit tricky dividing time etc as we both work odd hrs, not 9-5,

I am resenting him and attraction has dwindled, so I need to address this clearly, if we can't agree, and stick to our agreement I really think we'll have to live separately eventually

We will see, we've talked about it many times but I wonder if he realises the daily annoyance it is, as often I don't say anything, just get it done.

Well your reply suits this thread anyway so it doesn't matter 😂
But I don't agree with your reasoning.

I very much suspect I have ADHD. I constantly leave things half done. I can't prioritise small everyday tasks and anything that needs doing that pops into my head will somehow always be processed by me as more important than what I was originally doing. This means that I never take the logical route to complete tasks and never finish anything.
If I come home with the shopping and start putting it away, I know that frozen stuff is the priority, but after that, if a thought pops into my head about something else that needs doing, I'll inevitably categorise it as more important than the rest of the shopping for one reason or another . For example it might be that I need to remember to put a wash on and I think to myself that I'd better do it now or else I'll forget, or that it's more efficient that way because I can finish putting the shopping away while the washing is on. While I'm sorting the washing something else will stop me completing it. It's frustrating for everyone involved.

It's only been a couple of years that I am actually conscious of these thought processes, and didn't realise that others weren't like this. I now attempt to stop myself from flitting from one thing to another by going so far as locking myself in the kitchen till I complete what needs to be done there. Or for your example about wet swimming costumes I get them out of the bag and hold them when I come in from the car because it forces me to deal with them, otherwise it would completely disappear from my mind till the next lesson.

No idea if this is anything to do with your husband, this might a just what I'm like.

Yes I know on MN the most common advice is LTB.. still interesting to get others viewpoints

@copperchain
Hhhmm maybe I can lock him in the kitchen?

No seriously it sounds like you have some good coping strategies, do you think you had ADHD as a child? My partner was assessed for it as a child but not diagnosed.

An examination/diagnosis would be the first step as he’d need to be accepting that there is a reason for his behaviour and options out there that can help him, help you.

What I say next is of course assuming he does have ADHD.

In all honestly, a massive part of it is patience, on your part. I understand my partners brain works differently from mine and what I believe to be the right way to hang out the washing (on the clothes horse) is not the way he believes to be right (over the back of the sofa deep breath). I just explain to him that the clothes won’t dry and it will damage the sofa. We really don’t want to damage the sofa. I admit that sometimes it can come across that I’m talking to him like a child so I have to find the fine line between patronising him and helping him.

It may be worth you watching the Sam Thompson documentary, it really opened my eyes and there is a lot of talk from his partner who is on the receiving end of his ADHD.

I have a lot of patience and no children yet so for me it is not a problem to help my partner however, I understand you already have DC and so this sort of attention to your partner may not be at the top of your priorities.

@asrh618120
Is it straightforward to get an adult diagnosis?

He went to the Dr to try to be assessed for Autism. The Dr seemed puzzled as to why he wanted the diagnosis and he's still waiting for an assessment.. it's been about a year.

Do you plan to have children?
I'll have a look for the documentary, thanks!

It's always some kind of mental health when men are dirty bastards 🙄
So what happens if it's ADHD then, all is forgiven?

The other most common view on MN is that men always have ADHD.

No, for us to be able to live together there need to changes. He has to accept that and be willing to change.

If there are things which can help, I'd like to know about them. Seems sensible 🤷‍♀️

That's about right with the current wait list. It may be worth him going back and making it clear that this is really impacting his daily life and marriage, he should be taken seriously. It's a serious condition and the PPs are lucky they have never crossed paths with it!

Yes, I do plan to have children in the next year or 2, at least I'll be prepared 🤣

Try checking out some ADHD podcasts too, All things ADHD, ADHD 365. All eye openers.

Good luck and I hope you can get some answers.

What a horrible message. Maybe OP isn't a dog hater like you. And good luck with your gut biome. Having pets around is highly beneficial for protecting against allergies and promoting gut health!