To think this is gross and unacceptable

[wittsendd]

Last night, our puppy wee'd on the rug, instead of soaking it up with paper towels, as we would both usually do, my partner just sprayed straight over it with the Stain & Odour removing spray. I was washing dishes, then letting the dog out at the time.

It was late and he had an early start this morning, which seems to be his 'reason'. When I raised it with him he said he'll do things as he sees fit, this does not bode well as his standards are almost non existent.

This has made me furious, our toddler plays on the rug and I find it disgusting that he couldn't be bothered to do a proper job of cleaning up. Shouldn't a basic level of cleanliness be a given?
We both work pt, and split the cost of everything 50/50. I do almost everything around the house and have had to convince him to take on the job of regularly doing the bins and He often doesn't fully finish jobs, for example;

-Empties bin, but won't put a new bag in
-Puts toddler to bed, but doesn't bring the empty bottle downstairs or wash it, & leaves clothes all over the bathroom
-Leaves his dirty laundry on the floor
-Leaves his clean laundry all over the place and won't put it away, it just hangs around the bedroom til he wears it again
-Goes food shopping. But doesn't put it away, or sometimes even in the kitchen

• if he (rarely) cooks, leaves a huge mess

-takes toddler swimming, but doesn't sort the towels/ swimsuits afterwards

Am I asking too much? Do we just have different ways of doing things, which I should accept? For context, We are both in our 40s and have been together 4 yrs.

I'm also very curious if any men have an opinion on this. Thanks for reading!

The most helpful thing I've learnt from my partner is that his brain works differently to mine. What I think is normal and the right way to something doesn't make sense to him and vice versa. I have to admit it can be like having a child sometimes which I get is not ideal but I've found I can guide him to do certain things, it's just whether you have the patience to deal with that.

Of course, I am not diagnosing him, it's just that reading your post was like reading a description of my partner 🤣

I do more of the housework than DH, but I also have a lighter workload than he does (fewer hours, less demanding, generally). I still find it annoying when he doesn't do things my way the right way. Some people (and it does seem to be men more often than women) simply don't have the same hygiene and tidiness standards as others, and that can be infuriating for the tidier person in the house.

If we had a 50:50 split on work and housework, I'd make a list of the things that are most important to me to have done 'the right way' and assign those to myself, as much as possible. This is especially important if he's unwilling to compromise and try to do things as you request. I doubt you're likely to change him in essentials; by the time you're in your 40s, those habits are difficult to change even when you're willing, so you're better off finding ways around the lesser of his bad habits rather than trying to change them, if you want to stay with him. You have to pick your battles.

But you aren't unreasonable. If a dog urinates on a rug, it needs to be cleaned properly!

Dogs in homes is filthy anyway. What's an extra bit of piss on the rug? It'll have its ass on there anyway. Gross.

🤣🤣 I don’t agree with the first sentence but the rest is so true

Because their young child doesn't deserve to

• live in a stinky pit of dirty clothes strewn everywhere
• get bad stomaches from food prepared in a dirty kitchen or from accidently getting dog urine in their mouth / eyes or from drinking from old dirty bottles in her room, eating food that's been left out of the fridge too long, eating food she shouldn't because it's left out
• tripping over clothes strewn about, food left lying out

And if Op didn't step up, that's what would happen.

I always think you need to consider, if I die what life will my child have? Live in a dorty stinky house covered in animal urine with dirty bottles strewn about. Nice.

It's different, because yes we'd probably have words but then there are things that would annoy him about my mess! To be totally honest I've always been the messier one. It's not right and I need to work on it.

It’s not 50:50 though is it because you’re carrying more than 50% of the workload.
what does he say when you confront him with all this?? If he’s just being lazy I’d ask whether he would rather work the 50% extra ie go full time at work or do 50% of the chores properly?? There’s no third option that’s just life. Also you need a wet and dry vacuum that would allow proper clean up. Urine is sain though it’s not like poo!!! So it will smell but it’s not dangerous bacteria wise. But still a proper clean is needed I agree. X

I got my husband to read the OP and give me his thoughts.

He absolutely agrees that when you have a pet who wees in the house, a proper clean up job should have been done, especially when a child/ children are also in the mix. To be fair, he used to clean up after our late cat was sick or had an accident of some kind, if he found it first - although we might have done it together if the cat had a problem in front of us both - so I would have expected that reply from him.

He also said that your 'DP probably should be tidying up after himself'. However, he isn't always as good as I am about tidying up after himself, in real life......

The rest of it, well, I think, that is partly down to different standards. My OH does have a bad habit of not putting things away - but not anything like the extent of how untidy your OH is. I am a very tidy person and it does annoy me sometimes. However, I usually ignore things lying around for a day or two or three, because I don't think it is reasonable for me to insist immediately that he follows my standards. However, he does put things away when I ask him to, if he hasn't done so before. Quite often he does put things away after a period of time without being asked though. It's just his time-scales are different from mine. We were both 40 when we got married, so it did take a bit of time for us both to learn to compromise with each other and get used to what the other person preferred!

Do you pick up after your DP all the time though @wittsendd Things like dirty clothes? If so, do stop doing that. He'll quickly get the message that failing to put dirty washing etc in the right place means he will run out of clean clothes very quickly!! I had to do a bit of that in the early days of our relationship. He was 40 and had never been married, or even lived with a partner, so was very used to doing his own thing!

Read/Listen to Eve Rodsky, Fair Play and then sit down and discuss it with him. You should have agreed standards. I would say if you ask most people how to clean up dog pee on a rug, especially where there are children in the house, most people would say you need to get rid of it as much as possible. I imagine your DH would say as much in a survey. But he couldn’t be arsed and now he’s ashamed at being called out and is trying to make it your problem.

Who wanted the dog?

You work part time but contribute 50/50 financially. Do you earn the same as him?

Yes we earn roughly the same at the moment, I may soon be earning a little more

It is gross and unacceptable.

I'm not meaning this to be rude although I can completely understand if it comes across that way. You mention that you're both in your 40s, been together 4 years and have a toddler. Was this a man that you settled with because you thought time might be running out for family kids etc? No judgement, I did the same! I don't regret it as I got my wonderful DD but I did end up splitting from him and although I'm on my own with my wee one, life is so much more peaceful!

I would put the rug straight in the washing machine and your DP too.

I think this is very accurate

Both of us

No it's not too much to ask OP. Trouble is, he has someone to complete all his uncompleted jobs - that's you! Only if he was left alone to with all the responsibility would he realise those things don't get done by magic, he would have to do them himself. Then he'd realise what a twat he's being.

@Silvers11
I don't pick up his clothes, when I'm going to do laundry I ask him to put his things in the laundry basket, I hang the wet laundry and ask him to put away his dry things.. eventually, after a day or two, I put them on our bed then they seem to lay around indefinitely..

He's a lazy cunt, divorce him.

He gets to pretend to be a family off the back of YOUR hard work.

Don't let him, get rid of him.

Of course it's disgusting he didn't clean up the wee properly straight away. It's lazy and unhygenic.

It is also clearly unfair that you're splitting the costs of everything 50/50 when you are run ragged looking after a toddler AND a manbaby.

@Silvers11
Yes I think the fact he lived alone for quite awhile means he's got these bad habits, he has an office and it's always a tip, I don't touch it, just close the door

So is this behaviour a new development?

I wouldnt be able to put up with the puppy mess or the clothes on the floor. I sometimes put up with DH taking a bit of time to clean the kitchen after cooking or not putting away the shopping. He does it eventually.

Why does he work part time if you do the majority of childcare and domestic labour? Has he been very financially successful or is he just bone idle?

I've never seen a woman 'gloat' about her contribution to household finances. Nor are they dimwits being convinced by men that it's feminist to have a 50-50 financial split and unequal domestic contributions

Who are you hanging out with? Or is it more how you imagine working women to be, lacking much personal experience?

OP, of course it's gross, and he's lazy

Tbh that rug is never going to properly clean again even using your method. I’d get a playmat for your child that puppy is not allowed on. Once puppy is older and doesn’t wee inside then it will probably be time to get rid of the rug.