To think this is gross and unacceptable

[wittsendd]

Last night, our puppy wee'd on the rug, instead of soaking it up with paper towels, as we would both usually do, my partner just sprayed straight over it with the Stain & Odour removing spray. I was washing dishes, then letting the dog out at the time.

It was late and he had an early start this morning, which seems to be his 'reason'. When I raised it with him he said he'll do things as he sees fit, this does not bode well as his standards are almost non existent.

This has made me furious, our toddler plays on the rug and I find it disgusting that he couldn't be bothered to do a proper job of cleaning up. Shouldn't a basic level of cleanliness be a given?
We both work pt, and split the cost of everything 50/50. I do almost everything around the house and have had to convince him to take on the job of regularly doing the bins and He often doesn't fully finish jobs, for example;

-Empties bin, but won't put a new bag in
-Puts toddler to bed, but doesn't bring the empty bottle downstairs or wash it, & leaves clothes all over the bathroom
-Leaves his dirty laundry on the floor
-Leaves his clean laundry all over the place and won't put it away, it just hangs around the bedroom til he wears it again
-Goes food shopping. But doesn't put it away, or sometimes even in the kitchen

• if he (rarely) cooks, leaves a huge mess

-takes toddler swimming, but doesn't sort the towels/ swimsuits afterwards

Am I asking too much? Do we just have different ways of doing things, which I should accept? For context, We are both in our 40s and have been together 4 yrs.

I'm also very curious if any men have an opinion on this. Thanks for reading!

this does not bode well as his standards are almost non existent.

I think it’s mad that you admit his standards are not existent but still chose to have a baby with him.

Not only that but after having a baby which spends the first few years of it’s life playing on the floor, did you both decide it would be a good time to get a puppy!

Him not cleaning up the wee is not acceptable but you both sound as bad as each other.
Him for being that way and you for knowing he’s that way but still moving in, having a baby and then getting a dog with him.

Putting paper towels on a piss covered rug doesn't really do anything to solve the problem so yabu - neither of you sound particularly hygiene conscious.

My DH is tidier than me, tbh. That is also difficult.

Yes it's disgusting to not clean it up, but you're on shaky ground complaining about that when your preferred method for cleaning it (just soaking it up with towels or kitchen roll) is barely any better.

Also, was getting the dog was something you were both equally keen on? If it wasn't and was instead something that one of you wanted and the other just went along with, then cleaning up after it is the job of the person who wanted it, not the other person.

Hear hear!

I sometimes watch facebook videos of sweet babies and toddlers doing sweet things but feel very nauseated by vids of babies with dogs or cats licking their faces - after they have licked their arses! YUk!

My late DH was much tidier than me. I just basked in the no housework as his threshold for cleaning was far lower than mine - I would let things drift till it reached my filth threshold but lo and behold he would already have done it!!

His best act was when I set out everything to make a cake - ingredients, cake tins, utensils etc. - then popped to the loo. When I got back it was all tidied away!

It is difficult when two people have different ideas of what's acceptably clean/tidy.

Your partner has significantly lower standards than you. So in his mind, he's probably not expecting you to do anything, he's just only doing the amount required for the level of tidyness/cleanliness he wants.

So you have 3 options:

1. Live in what you'd consider to be a tip
2. Continue to do the lions share of the work, to have it not be what you'd consider to be a tip
3. Make pulling his weight a condition of continuing the relationship

Theoretically, some compromise between the 3 could be possible, but I suspect that would just leave everyone unhappy.

Only you can know which of the three options is right for you.

If everyone listened to someone yelling DIVORCE on mumsnet, there would be approximately 3 married couples left on the planet.

I sometimes do feel like this. And I have been married ages.
There is literally so much to compromise on, for both parties.

Chores
Money
Sex
Parenting
Inlaws ( esp for those of us from other cultures)
Introversion/extroversion...

The list is endless.

In re tidiness at least, we have both met each other halfway.

You’re not asking too much. You’re expecting far too little. What on earth do you find appealing about such a disgusting slob? I certainly couldn’t live with such a revolting human.

My husband would have got the Bissel out. We both clean up after our children and pets. I honestly would find you just using paper towels really grim, even if you use paper towels and then pet spray. I also wipe my dogs paws when she comes in after a walk tho.

A man who works part-time and does fuck all in the house and leaves dog piss on the carpet expecting his wife to clean absolutely should be divorced.

He has been told repeatedly, he won’t change.

OP doesn’t need to stay with him to reduce the divorce statistics.

I missed that he worked part time. If so, he should be doing most of the housework. I do because I work part time.

Why ask if you are asking too much of your poor lazy little man child when you also say you discussed and presumably agreed standards of housekeeping before you moved in together? And presumably as co habiting adults you also discussed and agreed on who would be responsible for cleaning up after a puppy before you acquired one? Puppies pissing on rugs is a given and I do agree that merely spraying said piss is gross and doesn’t qualify as any kind of cleaning up. Sounds like you have much bigger problems than a bit of puppy pee though, his general slobbishness must be a huge turn off.

For what it's worth, this is a bone of contention in our house too, and my DH is generally pretty good, pulls his weight and does do half the housework/house admin/child related stuff as well as working full time.

He doesn't seem to get that the urine neutralising sprays don't magically make urine residue disappear. He would blot up excess, then spray. I think that's disgusting and ineffective. I would blot up excess, thoroughly wash with detergent, leave to dry, wash again if noticeable smell (and keep repeating), and only use the urine neutraliser at the very end as a way of combating any residue that can't be smelt/seen by a human, but could potentially attract the dog.

He also thinks disinfecting things replaces washing. Nope. Wash with detergent first, then disinfect. Disinfectant isn't an effective cleaner, it's only good at disinfecting.

Apart from that he's pretty good though.

This is why my dog doesn’t go inside the baby pen! We also frequently vaccum and steam our carpets and our dog doesn’t kiss faces. I’d be interested if you live in a shoes off household tho? I find some people will say pets are so gross and then wear their shoes all over their house. People often act like I’m OTT for not wanting shoes in my house when I have young children playing on the floors and it’s just as grim as a pet that isn’t being cleaned up after!

Shoes off at the door in this household

Your husband sounds lazy.

But why on earth are you arguing about cleaning up puppy urine, as though this is a routine thing, rather than arguing over who is in charge of ensuring the dog doesn’t pee inside?

It's a small snapshot of their relationship, plus she thinks soaking said piss up with paper towels is in anyway OK. He might find this grim. We haven't heard any of his side of anything and you've not heard any of the great things that keep them bonded. It's just so bloody judgemental and repetitive. I often wonder about the divorce junkies relationship statuses and what makes them so quick to scream DTB. It's a tad hysterical. Just MO though.

As it is, divorce does seem quite common.

Do you think there is an epidemic of women leaving healthy, happy, mature relationships because of Mumsnet?

I'm curious if many men would think it's acceptable, that's all.

I think you'll find there will be a difference between what men say and what many of them will do. From observation of my dad and brother when I was growing up, I'd say that they appreciate a clean and tidy home, but they were much more tolerant if it wasn't. So they worked out that if they just left stuff, my mum would do it before they got round to it. It drove me nuts as I thought they should bear the consequences of their laziness but my mum would just enable them.

One example stands out - my dad had a cat. She was his cat and one of his few household jobs - bearing in mind my mum worked full-time and he worked part-time - was to clean the cat litter tray out. He did this so infrequently that often the poor cat ended up shitting elsewhere as her tray was full, and she was an indoor cat.

I went into the bathroom one day after my brother and saw some kitchen roll on the floor. I moved the roll to find an enormous cat shit underneath it. My brother had seen the shit there, wanted to use the bathroom but couldn't be bothered to clear up the shit, so he just put kitchen roll over it. I can imagine very few women doing this but he had no problem with it.

Many men have basically weaponised their incompetence. They have a relatively high tolerance of mess and know if they just wait it out, a woman will do the job before them. And they're too lazy and lack the respect to do the job anyway, even though they would rather live in a tidy home.

He is half a job guy, speak his language by only paying half what you do now and see how he fucking likes that, lazy, dirty bastard.

I think it's a hysterical, overly judgemental reaction to a snapshot of someone's life, when they have jumped online to complain (usually reasonably) about a single issue. Do I think MN is a vast contributor to divorce....no, hence the if. Do I think it could result in only 3 married people left on the planet....absolutely 🤣

Take it with the tongue in cheek manner in which it was so obviously intended.

Haven't read the full thread but it's just unbelievable to me that women still have to ask this shit. It really boils my piss. Piss that is luckily not all over my rug.

Of course it's not fucking acceptable that he's a disrespectful, lazy tosser who does half-arsed, half-done jobs leaving you to pick up all the slack.

It. Is. Not. Acceptable. At. All.

My DH is the same.

But then when I look at his parents I can see why... their house is always so dirty and they never expected their kids to lift a finger at home.

We once moved in with them for a while and the bathroom was so filthy I refused to bath our son before giving the bath a scrub!

You need to tell him to pull his weight more.