To think this is gross and unacceptable

[wittsendd]

Last night, our puppy wee'd on the rug, instead of soaking it up with paper towels, as we would both usually do, my partner just sprayed straight over it with the Stain & Odour removing spray. I was washing dishes, then letting the dog out at the time.

It was late and he had an early start this morning, which seems to be his 'reason'. When I raised it with him he said he'll do things as he sees fit, this does not bode well as his standards are almost non existent.

This has made me furious, our toddler plays on the rug and I find it disgusting that he couldn't be bothered to do a proper job of cleaning up. Shouldn't a basic level of cleanliness be a given?
We both work pt, and split the cost of everything 50/50. I do almost everything around the house and have had to convince him to take on the job of regularly doing the bins and He often doesn't fully finish jobs, for example;

-Empties bin, but won't put a new bag in
-Puts toddler to bed, but doesn't bring the empty bottle downstairs or wash it, & leaves clothes all over the bathroom
-Leaves his dirty laundry on the floor
-Leaves his clean laundry all over the place and won't put it away, it just hangs around the bedroom til he wears it again
-Goes food shopping. But doesn't put it away, or sometimes even in the kitchen

• if he (rarely) cooks, leaves a huge mess

-takes toddler swimming, but doesn't sort the towels/ swimsuits afterwards

Am I asking too much? Do we just have different ways of doing things, which I should accept? For context, We are both in our 40s and have been together 4 yrs.

I'm also very curious if any men have an opinion on this. Thanks for reading!

He sounds disgusting. He should have cleared it properly as Nd anyone else with sense would know that. He sounds lazy. I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out.

weaponized incompetence strikes again'

He needs to increase his hours to full time and then he can pay for a cleaner

Soaking dog wee up with paper towels isn’t exactly doing a proper job either, now is it? That’s you doing as you see fit. So how is him spraying it, doing as he sees fit, worse than you just soaking it up with paper towels?
The right thing is to WASH IT. Clean it properly. If you can’t wash the whole thing you need to wash the area of concern using cloths and a carpet cleaning solution and include some bicarb. Soaking wee up using paper towels doesn’t get rid of the bacteria and therefore the smell. As you say, your toddler plays on that rug. No doubt you are the type who allows their toddler to wander around with food, it amazes me how many people complain about their kids leaving food everywhere. Maybe you and hubby need to take the dog out for walks more often. Train it to only wee outside. If you can’t do that you shouldn’t have a dog. God knows what the rest of your house is like.

Sorry I think that is incredibly short sighted, especially with what little information you are given on here. Do you think relationship counsellors just say 'yep divorce' you can leave now after 2 minutes of listening to someone?

You talk like divorce is easy and there are no sollutions to difficulties in marriage (even they are very occasional). Pah.

It's the fact that you think a paper towel is going to help sort the problem out. It won't anymore than just spraying some odour stuff on it. Get a proper carpet cleaner and do the job properly. You're both a bit crap at this tbh.

As per Beauty and the Beast...'A Tale as Old as Time!' 🙄
Your story and consequent comments on it are unfortunately so so familiar and so often seen in these forums!!
What struck me first was how he reacted when you mentioned your displeasure at how he had 'cleaned' the puppy pee "When I raised it with him he said he'll do things as he sees fit'...if that wasn't throwing down the gauntlet I would be surprised as he was possibly challenging you to see how far you would push it?
Someone else made a valid point in that he also uses the clever and childish ploy of 'half doing' something in the hope that you will give up and finally tell him not to bother and end up doing everything yourself, which is perhaps harking back to how he behaved with his Mum as a teenager when asked to do jobs, he probably got away with it then so is hoping for the same result with you? BTW is this is first marriage? If not, maybe his previous wife condoned this sort of 1950's macho behaviour, it doesn't mean that you should!! 😡
Others have called him a 'manchild' but I dislike this label as it implies a sort of innocent or even charming personality trait that 'he just can't help'? The reality is in fact much simpler, he's a selfish and lazy, opportunist and worse, he is also displaying misogynistic behaviour which sadly too many men have a massive problem with only they don't see it like that!! 😳
You need to face this and decide what you can or will accept going forward, you will NOT change him no matter how hard you try, he's too mature and set in his ways for that to happen and if he hasn't shown willing even after becoming a Dad then the writing is on the wall in big letters and I suggest you read them, and then read them again...😱

With the diagnosis, education and treatment for the condition, my partner went from what the OP has described, to what should be expected as a 'fair share'. Some people are lazy, some people have conditions :)

She asked about standards. I pointed out not mopping up dog piss is not a big deal when the dog is a walking pit of germs all day long anyway. She's being precious about urine, yet overlooking so many other factors. Have a dog. Don't have a dog. I don't care. But if you're going to moan about someone not wiping up pee, it's hardly wrong of me to point out the other bodily secretions dogs leave all over your furnishings.

Exactly.

@PurpIe

I pointed out not mopping up dog piss is not a big deal when the dog is a walking pit of germs all day long anyway

This doesn't make sense. We don't live in a sterile environment. We will all have walked in germs, touched germs when playing in the park with our children, lay down in germs in the grass when lying back on the grass in the sunshine in the park, passed germs back and forth with strangers when touching things like supermarket trollies and public loo door locks etc. It's not about 'what is a big deal'. People house train dogs all the time and it's an accepted part of the process in our culture that sometimes, the dog will make a mistake.

We all have different standards. OP has hers, and her partner's differ. It's not for anybody to judge whether she's right or wrong or making sense, she's looking for help on the relationship discord, not advice on dog training hygiene.

I agree, the dog's pee needed to be cleaned up properly straightaway. That falls into the 'not hygienic' category, which is non-negotiable. I think your list of his behaviours is a slightly mixed bag, and you might have to agree to compromise because you clearly have different standards about things. So
a) not-hygienic would include (for me) the dog's mess, the bin bag, the dirty kitchen, not putting food away, not bringing dirty bottle down and putting it in the dishwasher. These are non-negotiables.
b) shared space respect means you put dirty clothes in laundry baskets, for example. You can agree with him on what constitutes a shared space and what the base standard is. This might be hard for him as you'd be asking him to change his behaviour, but he's a grown man (we think)
c) his space - you might have to designate a space which he can manage in the way he chooses. This might be an area of the bedroom for his clean clothes, etc, You'd need to learn to live with it. I get it will annoy you but you can't win all the battles and he is how he is.
This is what you have to do with teenagers, anyway...

Man here, he's taking the piss - or maybe not enough, based on the subject of your OP.

If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing properly. Gender doesn't matter, there are lots of lazy men and lots of lazy women in the world. Men are typically not brought up to see the effort that goes into keeping things tidy and sometimes take it for granted - but my fiancée and I have owned a house together for nearly 4 years, we both value a tidy house and it's very obvious to me that if she doesn't clean it, I have to - or it just doesn't get done. We both work full time and it isn't fair if she has to do it all, so obviously I clean and tidy too.

This is just basic politeness. Sounds like he doesn't value tidiness and cleanliness in the same way you do and is just letting it fall through the cracks because he knows you won't let your kid live in squalor. Idle bugger.

Join the bridging the gap Facebook group, trust me, you're not alone!

Thanks everyone for your replies, we had a talk about it and he accepts he has let things slide and that he needs to make an effort, specifically to clean up after himself and to finish jobs he starts! Mess doesn't bother him much, he can easily ignore it, but he prefers the house clean & tidy, and wants our child to have a nice house too.

For those who've asked, He does have redeeming features, makes an effort in other areas and is better in some than I am!
We've looked at the FairPlay cards, he's happy to try it but I'm not convinced.. I think they'd be great for starting a conversation, but 'cleaning' is one card, 'looking after kids', is one card? Has anyone tried it?
I actually think a schedule/ rota type thing would work better for us, as our schedules vary.

Regarding the dog... we have ordered the Bissel, so going forwards we will use that to clean the rug, we are both training her, she has made loads of progress and accidents are rare, we rub her down/wipe feet after walks, she isn't allowed on the sofa or upstairs and the general hygiene level is good. 😅

Definitely agree with those who've pointed out that marriage is a series of compromises, I don't expect him to do the same type of cleaning I do, and his office is his space to keep as he wishes. Just this week he's decided to clear and tidy it! I know he will never care about the tidiness of the house as much as I do, but as long as he makes an effort & does his fair share I think it's manageable.

There may also be an element of ADHD and we will watch the documentary and see if it resonates, thanks @asrh618120 for that, encouraging that you've seen such a change in your Partner.

Thanks! 😊

@CaptainNelson yes that all makes sense, he has his own office, Which I leave well alone! And put any of his stuff he leaves laying around downstairs

@Fallingthroughclouds
Yes I agree with you, divorce/ separation isn't always the only answer. Once there are children I think we have a duty to try harder to make it work

@Cariadm
Yes I agree that was a very defensive response, he apologised and accepted he has to make more effort. People may not change hugely. But we can make an effort to change certain behaviour

@Watchkeys
It's not a 'stupid' response to say that a woman doesn't need to train a man.

In an ideal world, no one would have to train their partner, but in this world, I'd rather do a bit of training than break up over domestic details, especially as we have a child together.

and you find this man attractive? fast forward 10 years. then 20 years. this is your life. what advice would you give your child if she found herself in this situation

Get this stuff, it's an enzyme spray so completely cleans dog wee and will deter your dog from weeing in the same place

Simple Solution Extreme Dog Stain and Odour Remover | Enzymatic Cleaner with 3X Pro-Bacteria Cleaning Power - 500ml https://amzn.eu/d/1RB3ns0

Shame it's only you who sees this, in the partnership you've chosen. Good luck training him!

@Watchkeys
Last night he cooked & cleaned, today he has hoovered, moped, unpacked the Bissel, done a load of laundry, replaced 2 light bulbs, taken the dog for a walk and is now getting the toddler ready to go out. I think it's fair to say he is making an effort. 😅

Doesn't sound like you have any problems then. It's baffling why you'd need to post a thread about one misdemeanor with Mr Perfect :)