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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is gross and unacceptable

200 replies

wittsendd · 27/09/2023 10:04

Last night, our puppy wee'd on the rug, instead of soaking it up with paper towels, as we would both usually do, my partner just sprayed straight over it with the Stain & Odour removing spray. I was washing dishes, then letting the dog out at the time.

It was late and he had an early start this morning, which seems to be his 'reason'. When I raised it with him he said he'll do things as he sees fit, this does not bode well as his standards are almost non existent.

This has made me furious, our toddler plays on the rug and I find it disgusting that he couldn't be bothered to do a proper job of cleaning up. Shouldn't a basic level of cleanliness be a given?
We both work pt, and split the cost of everything 50/50. I do almost everything around the house and have had to convince him to take on the job of regularly doing the bins and He often doesn't fully finish jobs, for example;

-Empties bin, but won't put a new bag in
-Puts toddler to bed, but doesn't bring the empty bottle downstairs or wash it, & leaves clothes all over the bathroom
-Leaves his dirty laundry on the floor
-Leaves his clean laundry all over the place and won't put it away, it just hangs around the bedroom til he wears it again
-Goes food shopping. But doesn't put it away, or sometimes even in the kitchen

  • if he (rarely) cooks, leaves a huge mess
-takes toddler swimming, but doesn't sort the towels/ swimsuits afterwards

Am I asking too much? Do we just have different ways of doing things, which I should accept? For context, We are both in our 40s and have been together 4 yrs.

I'm also very curious if any men have an opinion on this. Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
AmurLeopard1 · 28/09/2023 18:45

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus ...

SharonEllis · 28/09/2023 18:53

Another one of these posts, I despair. My god, how have we brought up another generation of women to put up with this shit? He is a baby and needs to get a grip.

FarmerD · 28/09/2023 19:03

I’m a man, very tidy and share as much of the chores as possible. I would talk to him and explain the issues, if he won’t listen I would leave his mess for him to tidy up. This will be hard for you to do but try to do it. Then have a follow up chat. If none of this works, leave.

LightReader · 28/09/2023 19:30

I think you know most men are not like this. Believe it or not I as a man have often found myself tidying up after women! Incredible but true.

TheSmallAssassin · 28/09/2023 19:36

Watchkeys · 27/09/2023 10:48

You seem to think things 'should' be a particular way, that things 'should' be cleaned to a particular standard, you 'should' have things the way you like them, you 'deserve' particular behaviours from him.

Why? Why doesn't he deserve for you to enjoy things his way? Why do you get to be the one deciding the standards? There are no rules. He's entitled to be a slob if he wants, isn't he?

What happens if you just leave wet swimsuits or towels in a bag until the next time you go swimming, or you leave all your fresh or frozen food out when you've been shipping?

Do you honestly think he needs to "enjoy" mildewed swimming stuff (and expect their toddler to as well!), or spoilt food?

Tirtytreeandaturd · 28/09/2023 19:38

What an ignorant comment .

ettabea · 28/09/2023 19:52

@Purple Wow. Did someone piss on your parade this morning?

givemeasunnyday · 28/09/2023 19:59

PurpIe · 27/09/2023 10:22

Dogs in homes is filthy anyway. What's an extra bit of piss on the rug? It'll have its ass on there anyway. Gross.
What good is soaking piss up anyway? There'll still be piss on the rug unless you put it through the washing machine.

Oh here we go, there's always one!

Did the OP ask if they should have a dog? No she didn't. Keep your judgements to yourself. I feel sorry for kids who can't have a dog due to attitudes like yours.

givemeasunnyday · 28/09/2023 20:01

Veganator · 27/09/2023 14:41

I don't either! No interest in going to someone's home if they have a dog.

I'm sure the people you won't visit are more than happy about that! You both sound fun - NOT.

And no, I don't have a dog.

Mamasharp97 · 28/09/2023 20:05

I’m so confused why people are telling you that YABU for ‘forcing your standards on him’ wth 😂 Mumsnet is like Facebook but worse, he should be able to use his adult brain and know that the rug needs washing?! It’s common sense! Man children everywhere

DickJagger · 28/09/2023 20:11

Fallingthroughclouds · 27/09/2023 13:01

If everyone listened to someone yelling DIVORCE on mumsnet, there would be approximately 3 married couples left on the planet.

No, there wouldn't. There would be many more happy women and children, not living in shit relationships with shit men because society tells them any old man is better than no man.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 28/09/2023 20:16

It is really sad that you have to ask if this is acceptable.

Of course it isnt. He should be doing all those things properly but he can't be bothered and he knows you are going to clear up after him so why should he?.

DickJagger · 28/09/2023 20:16

IfOn · 27/09/2023 16:28

It's always some kind of mental health when men are dirty bastards 🙄
So what happens if it's ADHD then, all is forgiven?

Yep, if this was about a women then loads of other women would leap in calling her lazy, slovenly, slobby, talking about how things "only take 2 mins". When it's a bloke - they always have autism or something. Another way we encourage women to stay in shitty relationships with turds. Oh he can't help it. Right, OK.

Alphamare · 28/09/2023 20:19

Well if he won’t do 1/2 the work at home he should get a full time job then

he needs to pull his weight

Grammarnut · 28/09/2023 20:21

Most men do these things, and spraying the wee is ok. If you are worried clean it yourself with whatever you like (I'd use a sponge and washing up liquid and throw away the sponge - kitchen roll wouldn't even cross my mind, yucky idea). Either pick DP's clothes up or don't. Don't wash stuff he leaves around and if he complains say it wasn't in the washing bag so it doesn't get washed. He will then at least put stuff in the vicinity of the washing bag after a few months (my DH leaves stuff where I tell him if reminded). Honestly, a bit of dust doesn't matter. Clothes on the floor? Pile them on a bedroom chair and hang up your own. You need to compromise if you live with someone. How he likes things is just as important as how you like them. At least he empties the bin, puts the child to bed etc. Some men do not do these things either.
Why would you have the rug professionally cleaned, btw? Shampoo it if you want but it was only wee and your toddler will probably christen it one day.

Maireas · 28/09/2023 20:21

wittsendd · 27/09/2023 11:12

We both have a responsibility to keep our home clean and tidy, and we actually agreed on some basic things before we moved in together.

The rug will be professionally cleaned, it's not really the point.

I can't relax in a mess, I won't live in a dirty house, he knows this.

He just doesn't seem to care, or be bothered. He says he prefers things clean and tidy, and appreciates that I keep the house in order. But not enough to do it himself?

There you have it. He assumes it's your responsibility.

Deadringer · 28/09/2023 20:23

Perhaps he should live outside op, the house will be less messy that way. But if you decide to let him live in the house he needs to do his share, the lazy fucker.

autumniscomingsoon · 28/09/2023 20:54

PurpIe · 27/09/2023 10:22

Dogs in homes is filthy anyway. What's an extra bit of piss on the rug? It'll have its ass on there anyway. Gross.
What good is soaking piss up anyway? There'll still be piss on the rug unless you put it through the washing machine.

Ridiculous post as has been pointed out by others as well

Watchkeys · 28/09/2023 21:51

What happens if you just leave wet swimsuits or towels in a bag until the next time you go swimming, or you leave all your fresh or frozen food out when you've been shipping

Dunno @TheSmallAssassin , but I don't think there's any law against it. so your 'right' v someone else's 'right' doesn't prove anybody right.

This guy is slovenly. It's pretty unhygienic, but I doubt social services would take his kids off him for a puppy accident whilst house training. This thread is a bunch of people claiming that their opinion is right, as if they have the deciding vote. Personally, I wouldn't be impressed by his attempts to sort out the mess either, but I'm not in charge of him, and neither is OP. I wouldn't live with him, and, if OP feels the same about his clearing up efforts, and responses to her, neither should she.

Cherrysoup · 28/09/2023 21:54

He’s a lazy arse who will forever leave the mental load to you. He thinks you should pick up after him, because you are not as important as him, clearly. Does he have any redeeming features?

pphammer · 28/09/2023 22:35

The dog will have its ass there and everywhere.
The dog will be all over the toddler licking him/her in the face if not mouth
So I agree with you. Can't understand why she finds wee on the rug disgusting.
(I do, by the way, hence I've never had a dog/cat/etc)

StarDolphins · 28/09/2023 22:39

PurpIe · 27/09/2023 10:22

Dogs in homes is filthy anyway. What's an extra bit of piss on the rug? It'll have its ass on there anyway. Gross.
What good is soaking piss up anyway? There'll still be piss on the rug unless you put it through the washing machine.

Get yourself over to one of the many ‘I hate dogs’ threads for more like minded moaners.

Frances0911 · 29/09/2023 00:13

Does he have ADHD, and/or on the spectrum?

I am a bit like this and think I have ADHD, and also high functioning autism.

I used to think I was lazy, but genuinely find house hold tasks overwhelming.

MarvellousMonsters · 29/09/2023 00:32

wittsendd · 27/09/2023 11:12

We both have a responsibility to keep our home clean and tidy, and we actually agreed on some basic things before we moved in together.

The rug will be professionally cleaned, it's not really the point.

I can't relax in a mess, I won't live in a dirty house, he knows this.

He just doesn't seem to care, or be bothered. He says he prefers things clean and tidy, and appreciates that I keep the house in order. But not enough to do it himself?

This is weaponised incompetence. He doesn't bother to do these things because he's lazy, and he knows you will. He will continue to expect you to do all the domestic chores, because you do.

He's a man child. Either accept his behaviour (please don't, you are not his mother or slave) or chuck him out.