To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

@PyramusandThisbe I expected one or two people might think it's reasonable to prepare a list

I didn't expect quite a few to say it

Mind blown !

On a very sad note to those who manage their husband and take care of pink jobs.

What happens to your children if you passed away?

I insisted on day one equal or walk, marriage broke down for other reasons but their father can and does everything I can do an vice versa.

Are going girls still growing up in homes where mum can't do minimum checks on car,? Basic diy? Etc.

That seems so sad.

No, that is basic neglect and your child will suffer by getting nappy rash. Absolutely do not put up with your child being neglected like this.

Absolutely not my experience. I'm not the default parent. I don't bear any 'mental load' that's not also borne by my DH. We both travel for work, so, quite apart from anything else, both parents need to be able to handle all child-related stuff, schedules,, cooking, homework etc.

Honestly many women’s reaction is to be patronising and judgmental of their partner doing things differently. I am one of them. But I’m learning that that’s not an effective way to parent or a nice marriage! You are partners and yes that means he needs to pull his weight but give him grace. You did most drop off and pick ups for a long time. He now has this new task he has to work into his day and he is asking for help and there’s nothing wrong with that. I agree with other comments involve him in the checklist/ spreadsheet making because then he’s not being told what to do, he’s actively engaged.
and sometimes he’s going to be tired and can’t be bothered to pick up straight after they come from school and needs a little mental break - if you come home to a mess dont lose it or automatically do it yourself. Do your thing then involve the kids and him in picking it all up.
sometimes they genuinely just need direction.

What a patronising post. It's as though the OP's husband is a toddler who needs to be allowed to decompress after school and then gently involved in helping Mummy putting away the toys.

No, sorry. A grown man is not a child. This isn't like learning to change a tyre. It is a basic human task that should automatically be known. My 15 year old lad picks up his own clothes and puts them in the wash, has been doing since he was in single figures. It's utterly pathetic that a grown man can't do that and actually it is deserving of a patronising reaction.

No “they” don’t. It’s lazy and entitled to just assume someone else will sort adulting out for you and if you think men are unaware of that fact you are pretty naive.

This is more depressing than the actual op. Poor ickle man needs to mentally decompress with video games rather than clean up his urine soaked child and their clothes. The whole ‘I used to do this’ bit is just as depressing - rather than realising a man not pulling his weight unless actively told to is a huge problem, you’re making excuses for it. For an easier life. You may think it’s nicer for the kids now but all you’re doing is programming the same shit into them - men can’t do anything in the household unless told to. They can do it, they do see it, they just don’t care.

9/10 of these useless husband threads mention gaming, why can’t they wait till the children are in bed?

It's not acceptable to prioritise decompressing after work ahead of meeting your child's basic needs, whatever your gender.

I just don't get how more men aren't insulted that their wives think they're so incompetent and/or stupid they require coddling through every basic interaction that doesn't directly benefit them.

If my husband had pulled this with our first there wouldn't have been any more kids, and unlikely to have been any more marriage.

Cos then they stay up half the night and are then bloody useless for u in the morning on account of being unable to get up 🙄

Lol 😂

You are not being unreasonable at all and I feel your pain. I’ve been round the houses with my husband over the years to just take a bit more initiative around the house and with the kids. I used to enable him & write lists but this still would only work for a short period of time.

Only thing that has worked is by me telling him how deeply unhappy I’ve become that he see’s me as a scivvy and if it carries on then I’m off! He’s finally pulled his finger out of his arse and seeing that the house/ kids are our equal responsibility especially since we both work and have 2 small kids to look after!

I’m not suggesting you threaten him with a divorce (especially if it’s a new scenario) but you do need to be strong here and make him realise it’s a 2 way street!!!

@MulledWhiney Having thought about this some more, my biggest concern in your shoes be your DD's feelings about having an accident at school, how they felt and what can be done to stop it happening again. Was it that they didn't know when they were allowed to go to the toilet? Or they weren't brave enough to put their hand up to ask permission to go? Do they even need to put their hands up? Or was she just too busy playing with the toys to notice?

Is this a regular occurrence? If so, does she have spare shoes (or PE plimsolls) and a change of clothes at school (in which case your DH should think to check the shoes and wash clothes)?

If not regular occurence then I can see why he didn't realise shoes were wet but you'd think he'd put the clothes in the washing machine.

Other concern is DH playing games and ignoring DD

Incidentally when ppl have a second child they often write handover notes for whoever is looking after the 1st one during labour and hospital stay. What time dinner is etc. It helps with the routine for the child if it's the same every day after school and they know what to expect.

This is so sad. The first time DP did a school pick up for me, DD had had an accident as she came home. I got back half an hour later and DP had mopped up the puddle by the loo, popped DD's clothes in the wash and sent DD off to clean herself up and change her clothes.

She's not his daughter. He has no kids. He'd never done the after school thing by himself before this and he managed to figure out the basics. Why are so many men so incompetent?

Not a critical (of you) question. DD's dad is/was just as fucking useless. I decided to raise my standards this time round.

9/10 of these useless husband threads mention gaming, why can’t they wait till the children are in bed?

Because it doesn't give this type of man an opt out of domestic life and parenting if they wait until the children are in bed.

It's not just that they love playing with their toys, they really like strategically putting playtime over times where they're taken out of action (see also the men who take up a brand new sporting hobby once a baby is on the scene and it always seems to involve large weekend training sessions, men who have to go to the gym after work so they magically miss dinner time and bed time).

What's really awful is that there's so many women buying the sexism that says they're simply better at cleaning, laundry and childcare and the poor hubby should leave urine soaked clothes and shoes, and ibore his child because bless him he needs to decompress and have time to himself. It's the woman as default parent approach.

DH likes gaming but it has never come before DC needs. When DC were little, gaming only happened once DC were in bed and all chores done, just like when I sit down to relax on the sofa to read, sew etc.

Gaming is fine, as long as it doesn't take over, which it hasn't in this house.

Incidentally when ppl have a second child they often write handover notes for whoever is looking after the 1st one during labour and hospital stay. What time dinner is etc. It helps with the routine for the child if it's the same every day after school and they know what to expect

@PollyPut Yes, that's a great idea for a babysitter / grandparent, but I wouldn't expect to make a list for the child's own parent

Oh, do you turn the washing machine on with your vagina then?

you've just known shit men if you think that

I’d like to know from the posters who think writing lists is reasonable and that their husbands can’t parent without being micromanaged why they think other men do these things without being told/prompted/manager/enabled/encouraged?

Do you accept there are husbands and fathers who have initiative and play an equal part in family life? If so, why do you think other men are incapable?

I suspect they would have another woman living in their home pretty quickly. Can't possibly expect the sad to look after them, they think differently don't you know 😒