To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

They can, they're just choosing not to so you'll do it all for them. It's learned helplessness.
I'd go further. It's not even learned helplessness.
It's weaponised incompetence.

These men aren't being taught that they're incompetent and need their hand holding /have become helpless by being mollycoddled.

They're, more often than not, perfectly capable of doing the tasks, doing chores, putting their child's clothes in the washing machine when they stink of wee. They just choose not to.

When they do eventually do something it's done badly or with so much carry on and fake requests for help and clarification and lists making and checklists and so on that they either do a bad job deliberately so their wife has to fix it or it's so exasperating for her that she decides it's easier to just do it herself.

It's a deliberate strategy to get out of things.

Weaponised incompetence. What a waste of space.

The spreadsheet is a trap. It doesn't ensure he will comply with it. Also he won't feel responsible for anything that is not there.

This with bells on

For me personally this wouldn’t be a problem.

I’m the default parent when it comes to school/trips/appointments etc so i wouldn’t expect him to know our routine he would want instructions. Don’t get me wrong he could do it his own way but if there were tasks that needed doing that day I’d have to tell him. There’s lots of life things he does that I would be clueless on and also need telling what to do

The wee soaked clothes is just lazy - no one needs telling what to do with those!

The whole thing is just wtf!! Why was he playing video games, while she was playing alone. Is he 15? Surely after school at that age is a time to actually be with your child, talk about their day, read with them, play with them bathe them, start dinner, watch crappy kids tv with them. Not doing the basics of tidying away, checking the bag etc is just a bit pathetic. I’m sure he’s more than capable in his job, so why is he such a clueless father who needs his wife to write a checklist for him. I couldn’t respect someone like that.

I haven’t read the full thread so don’t know if I’m in the complete minority however, it’s still fairly early in the term, there’s a routine to settle into. If DH is at work, he won’t see the routine you have when you get home on your pick up days. I am in no way saying he shouldn’t have thought to sort the wet things, for some reason it just doesn’t come to men logically. Now he knows, there’s no excuse. I wouldn’t write a list, he’s an adult but just have a conversation and say; x, y and z need to be done once arriving home otherwise it knocks on into the evening and our family time.
There’s a whole new level when starting school routine, lots of messages, things to take in, things to collect or pay for. It can be overwhelming sometimes so don’t put too much pressure on yourselves too early to have a strict routine, find your feet together.

The reason is very obvious. It is excused and the woman is often left to take on the mental load.

It has nothing to do with school really, though – he left piss-soaked clothes and shoes on the floor and played a computer game instead of interacting with his kid, then blamed her for his bad parenting. There’s finding your feet and there’s being footless.

It’s annoying. However I just don’t think they’ve got the same attention to detail or juggling ability as most of us mums (generally, always exceptions I know).

Husband and I are similar. I don’t do a spreadsheet I send him calendar invites to his work email marked ‘private’ with stuff like “late school pickup - DH collecting”. He can’t forget then as it pops up at work. I also put mine in with “Me collecting” type thing.

You only excuse it once, then it is a known. First time my husband does it, I explain what should have been done, second time I’d dump the wet things on his head. I didn’t say we excuse it every time, they just don’t think in the first place. They get one chance

It shouldn't be excused at all but then I don't believe that having a penis makes them magically not think that wet clothes don't belong in the washing machine. If someone can hold down a job, it isn't something they need to be told.

My husband would get the wet things dumped on his head immediately but he would never do it in the first place.

They have though, they just can't be arsed. It's pure laziness and I wouldn't stand for it.

Of course it comes to them logically. They're not bloody children. Stop babying them. If he lived on his own, would he just leave his clothes lying around and never wash them? Of course not. Just he has a wife who will put up with it and do it for him.

No you don't excuse it at all. Do you think single dads and a family made up of 2 dads do this?

Do husbands of military women leave bags if clothing fir months til the deployment ends ?

" high honey glad you are home and not killed in action now heres a bag of piss soaked clothes amd make my dinner..."

Exactly.

It sounds like you're his secretary.

Secretaries are subordinates, they do admin to save the time of the person they report to because that person's time is more valuable.

Is your time less valuable than your husband's?

@SunRainStorm

I think that’s reading into things and analysing things a little too much. One person will naturally lean towards a task more than another. I lean towards organising son more. Even when I sit back I end up asking everything he’s done as I like to know, so prefer to take the lead on it.

As to valuable time and being subordinate, I did laugh at that as it couldn’t be further from reality. My previous post does read like that haha. No we are both full time working, both travel considerable amounts so if we aren’t insanely organised things slip through the net. January I will have the school holiday rota worked out on who has son what days etc to accommodate both of our work travel schedules. I travel internationally and he travels within Europe for work, so we use work diaries to schedule everything to ensure this is all feasible. I would say two days a week I can be out 6am and return 11pm but my husband won’t always know what days as I have to be flexible for work week to week (he works more locally day to day). However he won’t remember what uniform son wears on what day or what snack needs to go in the bag. I tell him. He then sorts it if I’m not here.

He also sends me his work travel etc to my work calendar (does that make him a secretary?).

He gets up at 6am and makes me a cuppa in bed every morning, maybe I should give him a solid performance review this year?

My point is we all have jobs we tend to lead on. It’s typically the mum that sorts the kids diaries etc. two people can sometimes be too many cooks scenario. As long as the other partner is picking up their fair share of other duties I don’t see the issue with this at all.

Because it’s always women who end up with the bulk of the thinking tasks – schedules and calendars and forms and school communication with its 9,000 apps and HMRC’s hideous tax-free childcare system that makes you click through seven screens before you’ve even got to the login. And men do the bins. The reason women despair is because they used to, pre-children, have rich inner lives filled with daydreams and novels they were reading or writing, friendships, the news, study, all sorts of things, and it’s all driven out by the intensity of the mental load. Meanwhile the men bring someone a cup of tea in bed or do the bins while listening to whatever podcast or playing whatever game, not sullying their precious brains with admin because they’ve got women to do it for them. People should play to their strengths in a partnership, to an extent, but why is it always the women whose strength is “crumble under the entirety of the mental load” and the men’s strength is “go to the tip once a month”? I’d bloody love someone else to sort all the children’s diaries and write me a checklist and fill in my diary and let me be a sort of physical automaton so I could allegedly do my fair share of tasks while keeping my brain free. Sounds ideal, I can see why men claim this is their strength.

@spitefulandbadgrammar

There is so much to do in general life though beyond a monthly tip trip and taking the bins out. I wish that was all we had to in adult life.

Do you juggle the kids and do all the cooking and cleaning, bills, food shopping etc
too? In which case I agree the load is unfair for you but that’s a wider discussion you or anyone else needs to have with their partners. I have zero to do with food shopping or cooking or meal planning. Husband does all of that because he’s a better cook than me anyway.

If neither of the people like doing the ‘kid admin’ then you agree who does it and the other person takes the other crap stuff. There is enough of it to go around equally.

I guess it all depends on personality type too. I am personally very organised so I don’t consider it a mental load in anyway. My best friend can’t think beyond a week out and never has done, just different personality traits and we have different stress triggers.

OP has also only been in the new school world for a few weeks, it settles quickly once people find a routine. I think we’ve all be there when we have that moment of wondering if school will continually be spamming us for X years when they send out comms on the same thing in a different format for the 5th time.

It he thinks he needs a checklist he can sort it himself. Don’t let him get away with this false incompetence

Here's my fucking checklist:

"Imagine what you would do if you were a single parent - do that, because unless you step up as a father, that's what you'll be doing permanently, 50/50."

Tell him he’s embarrassing himself.

He really can’t think what he needs to do with wet clothes and a book bag?!

Is he your child or your husband/partner?! Does he really need a bloody list?! It isn't hard to think, and that's what the non default parent never seems to do! Think. It drives me bonkers. Tell him if he needs a list he can make his own and you will soon shout at him if he misses something. Absolutely ridiculous he wants you to mother him too

To be honest I would think that a list instead of pointing out what he hasn’t done would prevent the ‘stop telling me what to do’ argument.

OP, I’ll go against the majority here and would definitely do a list, include everything I can think of and be clear that this is also what you will be doing when you are picking up. Confirm that he agrees/understands everything, does he want to add things etc. It is a handover as even though you didn’t do school pickups you were doing
nursery pickups, which have quite a lot
in common. Don’t be obstructive out of principle.