To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

The one thing i have learned in parenting and general relationshipness is to appreciate the effort he makes in his way and not by your own standards.

my OH once said toe ‘i don’t see things the same way as you, give me a list and it will get done but don’t expect me to automatically do what you think needs doing without you telling me’ and he has to be fair stuck to that and makes a massive effort to do everything I ask of him. It works and there are less arguments so if its whats needed, do the list!

Of course we left handover notes for the grandparents for child number one when I went to hospital to give birth to baby number 2. I didn't write them though, DH did.

He did ramble on though (18 pages, front and back

This logic is really only reasonable when the things the man just doesn't think to do aren't actually essential. If it's just something the mum thinks should be done, fair enough, but when it's something that NEEDS doing, indisputably, like remembering to take the children to school and make sure they have uniform to wear, this doesn't cut it. It NEEDS to happen and the man in question knows that but is choosing not to rise to it and to make it his wife's problem instead. It's not something "she thinks needs doing", it's something that actually does need doing and he should be responsible enough to remember that without putting it on her.

Ladies, if you do those kegels you can write the list with your vagina! Leaving both hands free: one to pick up urine-soaked laundry from the floor, and the other to pat your partner on the head, because bless him, he tried in his own special way. (Turn on the washing machine with your foot, obviously. You could use your mouth but you’ll need that for henpecking.)

Oh honey. He lied. By saying ‘I don’t see the same way as you’ what he actually meant is ‘I don’t care about things like you do’. You’re still doing more work than him, thinking on his behalf by making a list. You’ve just convinced yourself he’s now pulling his weight because you’ve told him to. If you have to tell your husband what to do like a child who needs reminding, you’ve still got a useless husband.

Gaming is fine, as long as it doesn't take over, which it hasn't in this house.
I agree with you.

I think what the PP was alluding to, which I agree with, is that if you read a lot of threads where fathers aren't doing their bit and weaponise incompetence, gaming comes up quite a lot. It's depressing how often some dads set themselves up with their game and leave the kids to entertain themselves, he can't clear up after dinner because he needs to play games with his buddies online, takes himself off for long chunks of time to game etc.

It's a pattern of behaviour in a certain type of man, which some women excuse and enable because their bar is so low.

These men are cousins to the newly-sporty men who take up a new sport or training regime when a baby arrives or the toddler hits the terrible twos. Doing sport can be brilliant and not affect parenting responsibilities at all, but a certain type of man will find his sport takes him out of service for a large part of the weekend, or he has to do the gym on the way home so he misses dinner and bedtime parenting etc.

I tend to agree. I think men can learn to see (care) more if they care about their partners. Also, in our case, there are a bunch of things that I don't "see" (care about) that he does. And that I try to see more because I love him.

What happens when mothers of young children die is that their father remarries very quickly. And the children are brought up by either their step mother or by their maternal grandparents.

I know grandparents who lost their daughter in her late 30s and they are now bringing up her two young children . They struggle for money because their DD left everything in her will to her husband - her life insurance , work death in service benefit and her half of the family home . Where their son in law now lives with his new partner and their baby.

These children will never benefit from a penny of their mothers estate - it will all go his new wife and child. The grandparents could do with that money now - to extend into to their attic to give each of the children their own bedrooms. Perhaps pay for driving lessons or even college or university.

Its all very sad.

I think under the circumstances just do it - it will save you a lot of grief later. Fix it to the fridge or something. Whether he should need it is really a bit irrelevant because he obviously does! Definitely better than coming home to soggy shoes :(

Part of the issue relies on your child not always resorting to asking mum questions. Dh 'got it' a lot quicker when I was busy and told the kids to ask their dad for help.

I've done a before school checklist for DH as he never seems to remember anything but am with you OP, it's so bloody annoying they can't seem to figure it out for themselves!

Scylax
It doesn't save grief later though. All that happens is that "remember to make a list to tell the apparently incompetent and selfish father to clean his child's urging soaked shoes" becomes another task on Mum's list.

And then the pattern continues on every other part of parenting.

Eg Father is apparently too useless to see that the football boots and kit are muddy after match day for under 11s. Make a mental note to tell DH that if the children are muddy in their kit they need to get changed into the spare clothes mum provided. Remind him that the dirty kit needs to go in the bags provided by mum so the boot doesn't get full of mud. Remember to add it to his list that the kit needs to come in from the car and that he needs to put the kit in the wash. Tell him the kit needs to be washed on 30 and remind him it can't be tumble dried so needs hanging out. Remember to leave the right laundry powder or because otherwise you might come home to a house full of bubbles because he put washing up liquid in the drum (and you'd be to blame for him doing this because you never told him what they needed washing with, he's just doing his best right). Leave him a note to remind him it needs drying and not in the tumble drier either. Remind him to make the kids lunch when they get in because they'll probably be hungry. Poor guy can't cook so maybe you should prep some snacks and tell him where to find them in the fridge.

Before long it's just "easier" for mum to do it herself, which is 100% the aim of these sorts of lazy men.

They can, they're just choosing not to so you'll do it all for them. It's learned helplessness.

I'm sorry but he's talking nonsense and you're falling for it.

My thoughts too really. Since when did playing computer games take precedence over everything else that needs sorting out after school?
Honestly🙄

I want to understand who the 7% are who thought that OP was unreasonable!?

they are the posters who think a can’t use a washing machine or make a sandwich for his child because he has a penis.

Couldn't agree more. The poor ickle menz.
I often ask myself- what should I do now- play computer games, or clean their urine soaked clothes, and oddly I always find being a parent trumps ignoring my child and buggering off to game.

He should be more than bloody capable as a grown ass man. I’m so glad my husband isn’t like that because I am not being his mother too 😂 YANBU - if he wants to act like a kid take away his PlayStation until he fulfils his role properly 😂

I make loads of lists for my husband some people just need instructions! At least it gets done then and no tension involved.

If someone is capable of working without constant instructions, someone is capable of throwing urinated clothes in the washing machine without instructions.

It isn't a need. It's wanting OP to take on the mental load.

Does he need instructions for his own needs or is it simply to meet the needs of others? If it’s the former you’re his full time carer, if it’s the latter he’s selfish and self absorbed. Not great either way is it.

At least it gets done then and no tension involved.

No of course not, only comes at the cost of a woman’s time, energy, mental health - but that doesn’t matter as long as a man doesn’t have to think too much….

He has ADHD so it helps and means I don't have to repeat myself a million times. Only needed for stuff around the kids.

I’m awaiting an adhd diagnosis. Surprisingly enough I still manage to take care of my children without someone writing me lists. If lists need to be made to remember things, shockingly I have to do them myself. Is your husband incapable of writing things down himself? Does he not manage to hold down a job unless someone has written down every task he needs to do that day? If so it sounds highly disabling in his case, it’s a shock he manages to meet his own basic needs at all.