To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

I'm ashamed to admit I have a bag of wet cossies and towels in my car from when we went swimming 2 weeks ago. I wish someone would make me sit and listen to a checklist of rules until I fully understand how incompetent I am.

Imagine having so much hatred and bitterness towards men that you actually research 'statistics' about who washes more pots?

Same!
I used to babysit and was 18 and collected child from nursery. They handed me a bag of wet clothes and he was obviously upset
I drove to McDonald's to get a happy meal with him and took him home, then put the clothes in the wash and gave him a bath. Common sense surely?!

Expecting men to function as the adults they are doesn't mean that they are hated or have any bitterness aimed towards them.

It's the most basic of basic expectation to put something urine soaked in the washing machine. It's pathetic.

Have you spent all your non working time since going swimming on your phone trawling mumsnet and watching tv? Are you expecting your husband to sort out the swimming stuff? If he asks where the swim stuff is to take your child to the pool are you going to inform him it’s his fault it’s his fault they are in the back of the car festering away because he never made you a post swimming checklist so you would know swimming stuff needed to be washed & dried after being used? Or maybe it’s your child who should have told you they don’t have their swimming stuff (for purposes of the example your child is 4/5).

I’m guessing no to the above and that you initially didn’t bring the swim stuff in due to being in a rush to do some other job and you’ve subsequently forgotten, that you are well aware it’s something that needs to be done & if you were asked about would say oh no I forgot rather than suggest it’s someone else’s fault.

I mean if you know they are still there go and get them now you remembered and sort them before the towels rot or something. Still you see the difference in the two situations right?

Believe me, there will be so much less hatred, bitterness and resentment towards men when statistically they not only wash an equal number of pots but also take equal responsibility for noticing that those pots need to be washed.

So actually I'm trying to promote harmony and good feeling towards them by suggesting ways that this can be achieved 😂.

Equal pot-washing (or urine-soaked clothing washing) would indeed be a good first step!

Imagine being unable to do the gardening or pay the bills because you have a vagina.

I would write the list, but include unpack dishwasher, get dinner started.

Imagine being so indoctrinated that you would proudly spend a lifetime doing a disproportionate amount of unpaid work, rather than question the equity of that arrangement.

Can only really comment on schedule- get a large Family Planner calender. Ours has a column for each family member, DH is responsible for writing his work,I write down my work then we work out childcare and pick ups and breakfast club etc. Then it's all on the wall in the kitchen.

So how do so many men manage at work? They don"t all have female PAs do they. Its strategic incompetence.

And not killing us. That would also help. I think its amazing how few of us have hatred & bitterness towards men given the circumstances.

you honestly think a parent of a five year old needs to be told to pack coat or sunhat dependong on the weather? Jesus. At least you won't be tripping over that bar you've set, its in a little trench in the ground!

Those comparing it to not women not being good with DIY or tech, first of all, massive stereotype and increasingly not true but also not comparable. Those things are specific skills that you need occasionally, working out a child needs a coat when its cold is just adulting, basic adulting, let alone parenting. A parent who can't figure out that a toddler might need to be accompanied by a bag with wipes, a drink and ideally spare clothes is not comparable to one who doesn't know whoch type of drill bit to use on a stud wall.

Seriously? I can imagine pointing out things specific to the school routine that he might not be aware of like check book back/read book, make sure uniform is clean and dry for tomorrow, but "offer water", "chat about day", "have dinner/play"? If my coparent wouldn't think to do these things automatically after 4 years minimum of being a parent, to the extent that I had to tell them to do it, I would be seriously concerned and consider myself parenting alone.

He's admitted to you that he needs your help because you're better at organising certain things. If yoy ever need to ask him for help in future with something he's better at, would he belittle you and get annoyed or would he gladly help because you're his partner? This won't go down well but I honestly believe women are much better at cleaning/organising/life admin/school stuff/laundry etc and men are much better at DIY/car stuff/fixing shit/gardening/bills etc.

This isn't about being better at something.

It's about an adult choosing to weaponise incompetence to avoid doing basic household jobs and parenting.

Imagine being such a pathetic adult that you'd sit playing video games, leaving your child to entertain themselves and their school shoes soaked in wee.

Then realise how low the bloody bar is for men when women women are like awww you should have told him to check for wee on his child's soaking shoes, ignore the wet wee soaked bag being left in the hall. Women are just better at laundry than men

You’re turned on by misogyny?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Isn’t this the experience of every Mum?! However hands on Dads are it’s Mums who bear the mental load of parenting. My DH gets up with our toddler every morning, which is amazing, and all he needs to do is change his nappy and feed him breakfast. Almost every morning I come down and toddler is damp from not having his nappy changed!
I would absolutely make a list for your DH and make sure he sticks to it by asking him each time whether he’s done the things on it.

I'm astonished to see quite a few people suggesting OP should prepare a list

Genuinely astonished

OP, stay strong. Your DH is playing the useless card, expecting you to give in and do it all

Don't do that, however much it may sometimes feel like the easier option

Start as you mean to go on

It's not that surprising, though. There's a depressingly numerous minority on here who infantilise strategically incompetent husbands, and appear to genuinely believe they 'can't see dirt', or believe there's a special skillset required to put wet clothes in the washing machine, or stuff a child's wet shoes with newspaper.

@Clairebairn I can assure you this is not the experience of every Mum

This thread is incredibly frustrating and worrying. How can it be that in the 21st century some men are still acting like dinosaurs?

What kind of role models do we want for our children?

Of course it isn't. Not everyone is married to a man who believes that changing a nappy is beneath him or that is is menial 'wife work'. Not every woman is prepared to enable it or excuse it either.

Getting up with your own child isn't amazing. It's just parenting.

I've been there...it starts with 'help me, I can't do it, I don't know the routine' and then it becomes rebelling against you telling them what to do and accusing you of patronising them. A tiring dynamic.

Jesus he sounds incompetent.
How very unattractive. 🤢

It absolutely isn't and more fool you for putting up with a man who doesn't even think to change his child's nappy. That's borderline neglectful.