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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Driver regretting offering lifts to non driver

162 replies

Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 22:09

I have a new-ish friend of 2 years who I met through our sons making friends at nursery.

I can't drive (for a medical reason) and she does but it has never been an issue until now.

Just before the summer holidays started she enrolled her DS in a martial arts club once per week on a thursday afternoon just around the corner from where they live (which is quite a way from us) and was keen for me to enroll DS as it was something he'd enjoy too.

I was reluctant as it starts at 4pm and I knew I'd have to take him straight from school via two busses once school resumed. The group only lasts 45 minutes and if you're more than 10 minutes late you can't come in so it just didn't seem feasible for us. I said I'd think about the logistics then decided not to go ahead.

That's when she (very kindly) offered to pick us up from school after she's picked up her DS and have us ride with her. Her DS school is a 5 minute drive from my DS school. I didn't like the idea of being reliant on her for transport and said that but she insisted it wasn't a problem and that her DS would be so happy if my DS came along so I reluctantly accepted and said I'd contribute to petrol.

Very long story short it has become obvious that picking us up is a hindrance which is exactly what I was worried about and why I was reluctant to accept the offer in the first place.

For the last two weeks she (understandably) asked if we can make our own way there. The first time was a nightmare, I ordered an uber which cancelled so we jumped on the bus and then the bus terminated 5 minutes down the road and kicked everyone off. There was no way we were going to make it so I had to cancel.

Last week we got there just short of the 10 minute 'too late' cut off point due to the after school traffic. It just doesn't work.

I think the whole thing has left a bit of a bad taste for both of us. DS is now fully invested in the group will be upset when I inevitably have to bring it to an end but it is what it is.

I mean, I know drivers must find non drivers annoying when asked for lifts and that's exactly why I never have (or ever would of) asked or expected her to ferry us about. It didn't even occur to me as an option until.

AIBU to think she shouldn't have insisted?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 26/09/2023 22:11

Very long story short it has become obvious that picking us up is a hindrance which is exactly what I was worried about and why I was reluctant to accept the offer in the first place.

So what IS the long short story? If she's only asked for the last two weeks - and you say 'understandably' - that you make your own way there, maybe it's just a temporary issue she's experiencing and will be able to resume the lifts soon?

BigFatLiar · 26/09/2023 22:14

Has she stopped going to the class?

Playaville · 26/09/2023 22:15

Just pull your ds out, it’s not been that long. Is there anything closer to home?
she shouldn’t have insisted but you shouldn’t have agreed to something you don’t want to do

Original poster
Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 22:16

Butchyrestingface · 26/09/2023 22:11

Very long story short it has become obvious that picking us up is a hindrance which is exactly what I was worried about and why I was reluctant to accept the offer in the first place.

So what IS the long short story? If she's only asked for the last two weeks - and you say 'understandably' - that you make your own way there, maybe it's just a temporary issue she's experiencing and will be able to resume the lifts soon?

Well there's not really that much else to it.

She was saying that she finds it stressful having another stop to make and how she's having to rush herself which was making her snippy with her DS.

I wouldn't want to resume the lifts now I know it's not something she wants to do. I don't want to be a burden on anybody.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 26/09/2023 22:16

YANBU. She doesn’t sound like a good and reliable friend.

Withdraw your DS, find something he likes that’s closer.

Don’t even tell her you’ve done it.

Butchyrestingface · 26/09/2023 22:21

She was saying that she finds it stressful having another stop to make and how she's having to rush herself which was making her snippy with her DS.

Okay, well that IS a poor show on her part. Sad

Original poster
Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 22:22

She hasn't stopped going to the class no but she has had a couple of other friends of hers join with their kids.

Initially she wanted DS to join so her DS had somebody he knew there, and so I could keep her company for the 45 mins until pick up. A weekly meet up thing. Her DS now has another two of his friends there and their mums to go for coffee with so it's not as important for my DS to go with him iyswim and I think she regrets offering the lifts now.

OP posts:
minou123 · 26/09/2023 22:23

I think its a little bit of both.

She shouldn't have insisted and offered a lift she couldn't do forever.

But then again, you knew this potentially could happen and it likely wouldn't be something that could go on forever.

Just chalk it up to life.

Thisismeyeah · 26/09/2023 22:24

Cant you make a regular booking with your local taxi firm. I know Uber is convenient but if you speak to your local rank they should be able to arrange it.

Failing that quit, its that simple

MariePaperRoses · 26/09/2023 22:25

My first thought is that your kid is better at the sport than her kid.

Cowlover89 · 26/09/2023 22:26

She doesn't sound like a real friend

purpleme12 · 26/09/2023 22:27

I don't blame you for accepting. You didn't ask and if someone offers off their own back without you hinting, it's fine to accept.

Honestly she shouldn't have offered really if it was going to be a problem. You were happy not going.

But ultimately if it's unworkable for you making your own way, you're going to have to stop the class.

You can just say to her as originally discussed you can't get there. But you don't have to give a lift so we'll just stop like we were originally going to do.

DelurkingLawyer · 26/09/2023 22:29

Unfortunately I think that your DS became dispensable. When she wanted her DS to have a friend there, giving a lift was a price she was prepared to pay. Now he’s got other friends he doesn’t need your DS and she very promptly extricated herself from giving a lift. A rare case where the lift giver was the CF.

Original poster
Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 22:31

DelurkingLawyer · 26/09/2023 22:29

Unfortunately I think that your DS became dispensable. When she wanted her DS to have a friend there, giving a lift was a price she was prepared to pay. Now he’s got other friends he doesn’t need your DS and she very promptly extricated herself from giving a lift. A rare case where the lift giver was the CF.

This is pretty much exactly what I think too. I was reluctant to say as much in the OP as I was worried I'd sound bitter for my observations.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 26/09/2023 22:35

So she didn't offer because she was being nice, she offered (and insisted) because she saw a big benefit to her. Now that benefit is no longer needed she is happy to drop you - and DS - without a second thought.

Not someone I'd call a friend. Leave her to the other mums, who will in their turn discover she's a bit of a user, and don't be available next time she insists you do something that actually is for her convenience.

Flying724 · 26/09/2023 22:35

I know your DS will be disappointed but I would not continue with the class anymore because you can't guarantee you will get there on time. At the same time I will look to find something similar over the weekend or later in the evening the he can go to.Also don't tell her if you decide to pull him out and don't book a taxi there every week that is unsustainable in the long run but if you can afford it I don't see why you can't use that option.

IreneGoodnight · 26/09/2023 22:37

Your friend is being very unkind. She insisted on giving you lifts (which you chip in for) so your DS could keep her's happy. Has her DS found a new BF? These things happen but if so your friend owes you an honest explanation rather than leaving you and your DS in the lurch.

WandaWonder · 26/09/2023 22:45

You knew it was going to be trouble so you should not have arranged this, just withdraw and organise something local

NutellaNut · 26/09/2023 22:47

I totally agree with the view that she used you and your DS when it suited her and now you’ve both become surplus to requirements. It’s not feasible to continue going by public transport for all the reasons you considered initially. I’d find a fun new activity somewhere near where you live for your DS to get involved in and back away from this friendship as she sounds like a user.

Original poster
Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 22:48

I think the boys have naturally grown apart a bit now that they've left nursery and gone off to different schools which is bound to happen, plus the additional factor of her DS now having another two of his friends at the group, my DS has become (as PP put it) a bit disposable.

I didn't know at the time that she was actively trying to recruit other friends to join the club. I thought it was something her DS wanted my DS to do with him specifically, which is largely why I agreed to the lifts.. so her DS would have somebody he knows there and it was something fun they could do together whilst we enjoyed a weekly catch up over coffee.

OP posts:
pinkfondu · 26/09/2023 22:49

Wow so she doesn't need you to entertain her anymore, your poor ds

padsi1975 · 26/09/2023 22:53

I take my kids friend to a club once a week. I offered and it's no problem. Sometimes it's a pain if we are running late but that's my problem, not theirs. I wouldn't dream of refusing to take the kid now, I'm going anyway. And I don't take petrol money as....I'm going anyway! Dick move on her part.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 26/09/2023 22:54

I can see why you would be annoyed. She insisted when it was convenient for her and her DS and now it isn’t it’s a problem. Leaving you with having to withdraw DS from the group.
A lesson for the future maybe that long term lifts rarely work as often the one giving them feels put out after a while whatever the circumstance. I feel for your Son though, is there another lesson anywhere that is more accessible?

Original poster
Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 22:55

pinkfondu · 26/09/2023 22:49

Wow so she doesn't need you to entertain her anymore, your poor ds

:(

I do feel sad for him. He's a really sensitive and sweet little boy. He sees it as 'Ben and Jacks' club that they do together (not their names ofc)

I think my friend sees her DS friendships as more 'quantity above quality' if that makes sense. She's always on the look out to network and meet new people, which is great in terms of making friends, but then certain people move down the list as somebody more interesting or beneficial comes along.

OP posts:
Lou670 · 26/09/2023 22:55

I think the same as some of the other replies is that she was using your son to her own and her son's benefit. It sounds like her son would only attend if he was going with someone familiar to begin with. He has now probably got to know other students there. I think you have done nothing wrong and have offered petrol money. She should have thought about the logistics of the arrangement before insisting on it. Not very fair of her to let down your son like this. I would pull away a bit and enrol your son in an activity closer to home that you can get to easily with no stress.