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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Driver regretting offering lifts to non driver

162 replies

Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 22:09

I have a new-ish friend of 2 years who I met through our sons making friends at nursery.

I can't drive (for a medical reason) and she does but it has never been an issue until now.

Just before the summer holidays started she enrolled her DS in a martial arts club once per week on a thursday afternoon just around the corner from where they live (which is quite a way from us) and was keen for me to enroll DS as it was something he'd enjoy too.

I was reluctant as it starts at 4pm and I knew I'd have to take him straight from school via two busses once school resumed. The group only lasts 45 minutes and if you're more than 10 minutes late you can't come in so it just didn't seem feasible for us. I said I'd think about the logistics then decided not to go ahead.

That's when she (very kindly) offered to pick us up from school after she's picked up her DS and have us ride with her. Her DS school is a 5 minute drive from my DS school. I didn't like the idea of being reliant on her for transport and said that but she insisted it wasn't a problem and that her DS would be so happy if my DS came along so I reluctantly accepted and said I'd contribute to petrol.

Very long story short it has become obvious that picking us up is a hindrance which is exactly what I was worried about and why I was reluctant to accept the offer in the first place.

For the last two weeks she (understandably) asked if we can make our own way there. The first time was a nightmare, I ordered an uber which cancelled so we jumped on the bus and then the bus terminated 5 minutes down the road and kicked everyone off. There was no way we were going to make it so I had to cancel.

Last week we got there just short of the 10 minute 'too late' cut off point due to the after school traffic. It just doesn't work.

I think the whole thing has left a bit of a bad taste for both of us. DS is now fully invested in the group will be upset when I inevitably have to bring it to an end but it is what it is.

I mean, I know drivers must find non drivers annoying when asked for lifts and that's exactly why I never have (or ever would of) asked or expected her to ferry us about. It didn't even occur to me as an option until.

AIBU to think she shouldn't have insisted?

OP posts:
OrderOfTheKookaburra · 26/09/2023 23:00

Yeah, she used you and your DS and now she doesn't need you she wants to stop giving lifts.

However, it must have been obvious that an arrangement like this would need to have an end date? If the boys have drifted away from each other, surely you could see this was coming?

Signing up for a long term club with this type of lift arrangement was very foolish on your part. Unless you were in the process of getting your own car and this was only ever going to be temporary, or the club was only for a young age group and they would move to a different location after a period of time.

MiIaMae · 26/09/2023 23:02

Shes a user

Original poster
Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 23:03

Thank you all for your take on it. It's good to get feedback.

I do wonder whether pulling back a bit is the best thing to do but there's an additional complication, we're supposed to be going away with them next year and I'm already paying X amount every month towards that (the trip is booked under her name as she gets a work related discount, I send her our contribution when she pays her installment every month)

Come to mention it, that's another thing I was on the fence about, was talked into and I'm now regretting.

OP posts:
MariePaperRoses · 26/09/2023 23:06

Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 23:03

Thank you all for your take on it. It's good to get feedback.

I do wonder whether pulling back a bit is the best thing to do but there's an additional complication, we're supposed to be going away with them next year and I'm already paying X amount every month towards that (the trip is booked under her name as she gets a work related discount, I send her our contribution when she pays her installment every month)

Come to mention it, that's another thing I was on the fence about, was talked into and I'm now regretting.

I can't believe you would trust someone like that!

Kiss your money goodbye!

I think you need to tell you want the money back NOW and that you won't be paying he want more!

Why on earth have you agreed to this? It beggars belief!

What is she was a lovely person but died? hour money would be gone.

Original poster
Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 23:09

I can definitely accept my part in that I shouldn't have accepted the lifts with no long term get out. I wasn't sure whether it was something DS would even want to stick at because he can be shy in groups but but it turns out he loves it.

I'm thinking I might try to arrange a weekly taxi to get us there for the rest of this term on the understanding that we will then have to find something closer to home as it's not something I can sustain all year round.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 26/09/2023 23:10

You trusted her at her word. It's her that's in the wrong. You should be able to trust people

Original poster
Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 23:17

MariePaperRoses · 26/09/2023 23:06

I can't believe you would trust someone like that!

Kiss your money goodbye!

I think you need to tell you want the money back NOW and that you won't be paying he want more!

Why on earth have you agreed to this? It beggars belief!

What is she was a lovely person but died? hour money would be gone.

Show quote history

The trip was planned before any of this cropped up and there were no issues at the time (beyond me not being that excited about going away with another family, not being able to do your own thing etc - I'm a bit of an introvert)

The idea that we go together was raised infront of the boys who were over the moon at the prospect. I was under a bit of pressure for an answer as booking it was time sensitive so I thought meh OK why not, I'll step outside my comdort zone and it'll be nice for the kids.

..and now this.

I'm going to pull out. Not sure what happens to her booking then, I assume they will just recalculate the amount required.

OP posts:
FallingStar21 · 26/09/2023 23:18

@MariePaperRoses sounds like the trip has already been booked and now OP has to keep paying their share, so likely no option to get her money back. And the trip was booked before the issues with the lifts happened, so why wouldn't OP trust her friend?
OP I feel so sorry for you, I wish I could take you and your son to the club after school. That woman is a user and not caring about the difficult situation she's put you in, or how your DS would feel knowing he has to either quit or make a stressful journey which may result in being too late to even attend... Awful.
I say have a chat with your DS about a different hobby which is easy to get to, if he'd only started this club very recently he wouldn't be too invested anyway. Re: the trip, if you can't get your money back and have to continue paying, I'd still cut the losses and pay but not go and not bother with the "friend" again.

Original poster
Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 23:26

FallingStar21 · 26/09/2023 23:18

@MariePaperRoses sounds like the trip has already been booked and now OP has to keep paying their share, so likely no option to get her money back. And the trip was booked before the issues with the lifts happened, so why wouldn't OP trust her friend?
OP I feel so sorry for you, I wish I could take you and your son to the club after school. That woman is a user and not caring about the difficult situation she's put you in, or how your DS would feel knowing he has to either quit or make a stressful journey which may result in being too late to even attend... Awful.
I say have a chat with your DS about a different hobby which is easy to get to, if he'd only started this club very recently he wouldn't be too invested anyway. Re: the trip, if you can't get your money back and have to continue paying, I'd still cut the losses and pay but not go and not bother with the "friend" again.

Thank you that's very kind.

It's crap for DS as does love it and would be sad not to go but I'm sure he'd get over it quickly if presented with an alternative.

He was quite upset when we had to cancel the week before last due to the travel issues when we were already on our way and it wouldn't be fair to make him deal with that on a regular basis.

I'm looking online now to see what else is available in our area.

RE the trip away it is already booked yes and is paid for monthly. I need to find out what happens when somebody amends a booking to remove guests. Hopefully it's a simple case of removing guests and recalculating. I'm paying her £30 a month (third month coming up)

OP posts:
user1477391263 · 26/09/2023 23:26

She doesn't sound very nice. And as a non-driver (I live in a nation/city where there is no need to drive and it's expensive to run a car and very hard to get a driver's license, so I've never bothered) I get annoyed by people who push lifts on people in a Mrs Doyle manner (refusing to take no for an answer) and then start moaning and carping about it. It's not an issue where I live, but my parents' town is very car dependent and it has happened during visits there. It really is the most frustrating behavior and I've learned to be really assertive in refusing after a bad experience like yours.

Original poster
Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 23:31

My city is a lot like yours user there's not much need to own a car here as it's generally quicker getting about by tube. It's sods law that this particular group isn't easy to access by the tube and requires 2 busses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 23:33

I've just looked into the holiday problem and the cost is for the accommodation itself not per person so the price won't change if me and DS are removed from the booking but she may incur an admin fee for removing us which I will offer to pay.

This will be an awkward conversation no doubt.

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 26/09/2023 23:35

YANBU. It sounds like she wanted company for her child but isn’t willing to go out of her way and is expecting you to do all the running. She sounds really selfish, you had explained the journey wasn’t feasible for you on public transport and she pushed the issue. Honestly the journey she is expecting you to make sounds a lot more stressful than an extra pickup she couldn’t even stick to for a couple of weeks. I would find a closer class.

People who drive often don’t appreciate how bloody long it takes to get anywhere on public transport if you don’t live in a big city. I don’t drive and it takes constant planning, getting there either way too early or risking being late, trying to co-ordinate bus times and film times, hoping the bus isn’t cancelled again as you will miss the only train.

MariePaperRoses · 26/09/2023 23:38

Have you asked your son how he and the other boy are getting on?

I bet it's got everything to do with that and not the lifts at all.

Original poster
Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 23:43

As far as DS is concerned they are the best of friends. There has been a couple of minor squabbles but nothing out of the ordinary for 4-5 year olds. I do get the impression that the friendship is more important to DS than it is friends DS though as friends DS has a wider social group in general.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/09/2023 00:16

DelurkingLawyer · 26/09/2023 22:29

Unfortunately I think that your DS became dispensable. When she wanted her DS to have a friend there, giving a lift was a price she was prepared to pay. Now he’s got other friends he doesn’t need your DS and she very promptly extricated herself from giving a lift. A rare case where the lift giver was the CF.

Agreed

Mmhmmn · 27/09/2023 00:20

She sounds very self-involved.

Emz6103 · 27/09/2023 00:31

CherryMaDeara · 26/09/2023 22:16

YANBU. She doesn’t sound like a good and reliable friend.

Withdraw your DS, find something he likes that’s closer.

Don’t even tell her you’ve done it.

Thats not fair tbh, it could be that it's time consuming if her DS wans to talk after school or a parking issue, sometimes things don't always go well when unforseen logistics get in the way, if she wasn't a good friend she would never have offered in the first place.it simply hasn't worked out

marshmallowfinder · 27/09/2023 00:36

Yanbu at all.
Yabvvvu to write would OF! (Sorry!)

Emz6103 · 27/09/2023 00:37

Was she unreasonable to have offered in the first place? Seriously? No she was being kind but it hasn't worked out. Logisticsl nightmare I suspect. You'll just have to knock it on the head. Life sucks when you dont drive, if it's a medical condition maybe you can get pip to help with costs of a taxi. Or just get a taxi anyway if it's only once a week would be roughly the same amount as monthly car insurance and petrol. Or get something closer to home. I understand why you're upset but neither of you are BU it's just not worked out. At least she tried and parking at school run times are the worst stress inducers possible

AmyandPhilipfan · 27/09/2023 00:51

She sounds horrid and very self centred. You told her you didn't want to commit to it due to difficulties getting there and not wanting to tie her to it and she insisted she was happy to do it. So she should have put up with it for at least a term! Not quit the minute she realised she was having to go slightly out of her way. I don't drive and don't ask people for lifts, though I would gladly accept one if it was offered. When my husband is off work and taking me and our daughter somewhere I know another mum and child is going I always offer a lift as I know how inconvenient it can be trying to get places with no car. I would feel awful if I ever had to withdraw the offer, and can't think of many situations when I would!

I would take your son out immediately by bribing him with something more fun on a Thursday afternoon for the next few weeks. Trip to McDonald's? Soft play? Having a friend from his school over to play?

Newhorizons8 · 27/09/2023 13:40

So you've already agreed to pay half of the holiday but are going to back out now and leave her to cover the cost of the holiday herself? She may not have booked the holiday if she didn't have somebody to share the cost with. It's sounding like you're the user now. If you want to back out of the holiday you should still pay your agreed amount if she can't cancel and get 100% of her money back. You also sound jealous that she has other friends besides you.

Sunandsea26 · 27/09/2023 13:49

This is so sad. She’s definitely in the wrong here. She knows it’s not easy for you to make your own way! I’d definitely stop and find your DS a lovely club just for him that you can get to.

BrawnWild · 27/09/2023 13:49

@Newhorizons8 The lift-giver is entitled to change her mind but anyone could see that cancelling the lift was going to create, at best, distance in the friendship as they wont see eachother for months, or at worst, sour the friendship.

Really she ought to have carried on until after the holiday if she was that bothered. Of course OP will feel too awkward to go.

PeppermintPatty10 · 27/09/2023 13:51

I just wanted to say please consider cancelling the holiday, even if you lose the £60-90 you have already paid, if you have any concerns that it isn't going to go well. It's much harder to do it later on. I don't know the specifics obviously!
A lot of good advice above about finding alternative clubs and things to do with your son on that night that other parent was supposed to be driving you. I suppose I just can't imagine letting someone down like that, so am worried about what going away together would entail!