Driver regretting offering lifts to non driver

[Billie0900]

I have a new-ish friend of 2 years who I met through our sons making friends at nursery.

I can't drive (for a medical reason) and she does but it has never been an issue until now.

Just before the summer holidays started she enrolled her DS in a martial arts club once per week on a thursday afternoon just around the corner from where they live (which is quite a way from us) and was keen for me to enroll DS as it was something he'd enjoy too.

I was reluctant as it starts at 4pm and I knew I'd have to take him straight from school via two busses once school resumed. The group only lasts 45 minutes and if you're more than 10 minutes late you can't come in so it just didn't seem feasible for us. I said I'd think about the logistics then decided not to go ahead.

That's when she (very kindly) offered to pick us up from school after she's picked up her DS and have us ride with her. Her DS school is a 5 minute drive from my DS school. I didn't like the idea of being reliant on her for transport and said that but she insisted it wasn't a problem and that her DS would be so happy if my DS came along so I reluctantly accepted and said I'd contribute to petrol.

Very long story short it has become obvious that picking us up is a hindrance which is exactly what I was worried about and why I was reluctant to accept the offer in the first place.

For the last two weeks she (understandably) asked if we can make our own way there. The first time was a nightmare, I ordered an uber which cancelled so we jumped on the bus and then the bus terminated 5 minutes down the road and kicked everyone off. There was no way we were going to make it so I had to cancel.

Last week we got there just short of the 10 minute 'too late' cut off point due to the after school traffic. It just doesn't work.

I think the whole thing has left a bit of a bad taste for both of us. DS is now fully invested in the group will be upset when I inevitably have to bring it to an end but it is what it is.

I mean, I know drivers must find non drivers annoying when asked for lifts and that's exactly why I never have (or ever would of) asked or expected her to ferry us about. It didn't even occur to me as an option until.

AIBU to think she shouldn't have insisted?

It's not a big deal. She has good intentions, you knew the risks. It didn't work out which isn't a surprise - but it could have, so worth a shot no?
Just find another activity nearby and move on. No need to affect the friendship.

Well your good nature has certainly been taken advantage off here, don't pay any more holiday instalments as you may not get the ones back you've made. See this a lucky escape!

I don’t get this need to haul friends everywhere you go. When I did activities as a kid then my son did activities it was about the sport/activity itself and it gave us the opportunity to make new friends.
I would pull him out now on the basis that it’s not sustainable and do something closer to home.

She has obviously used you and is now keen to dump you until you are useful again, but I'd take the positives and get out of there. Positive being now your DS has been exposed to a new activity which he likes! Are there any martial arts clubs nearer to home or school?

just drop out of the club now. Nothing else you can do, it didn’t work out. And be sure to thank her for the previous lifts.
All the best.

YANBU but all you can do is learn from it. I'm sorry - it must be hard to be put in this position now with your little boy and his club 💐.

I think has happened was the most likely outcome though. I doubt she thought it through enough to think it would become a chore/too inconvenient and it almost certainly wasn't as altruistic as it first appeared to be.

If he actually enjoys it find somewhere closer that you can get to. Your son will soon make more friends.

I mean from here it looks very much like she used you and ds so that they both had someone familiar to go with to the new club.

She insisted on giving you a lift for her own benefit.

Now she and ds have friends there, you’re no longer required.

Shitty behaviour but at least you know where you stand xx

This sounds really poor on her part! Seems a bit like you’re no longer useful to her so she’s not willing to help anymore. I’d probably steer clear in future. All kids respond differently but my 5year old probably wouldn’t notice if I didn’t mention it and we stopped going. By the time he realised he’d not be bothered anymore and we’d avoid major drama!

Reverse?

I totally agree. And, in my experience, it is always the ones who cannot possibly cope with a new group unless they (and their child) have a friend to go with them, who are the ones who will drop you like a stone when someone more interesting comes along.

It's a shame but she does have to prioritise her own child. Perhaps she offered/ agreed when it was fine with her but she in a different place now? Something has changed for her maybe? Perhaps she is often offering herself to others but find she bites off more than she can chew?

I appreciate that it leaves you and your son in a pickle.

Find another activity for your child. Say thank you to the mum for driving you both but that you completely understand it isn’t feasible.

The worst kind of lift to give is a double pick up and drop off 2x round trips to end up almost where you started. I've done it myself. Someone is who is just over 20 min away so it turns into 1.5 hours of driving every time to go almost nowhere.

I would pull out of the holiday too. Not sure how you will have that conversation, but tbh it sounds like the same scenario again. She has badgered you into a holiday so that her DS has some company and she gets to only pay half of the accommodation. I'm sure she will be able to find someone else to go with and share the cost.

She sound a vile user and you and your DS are better off without her or her DS in your lives. CF par excellence and a nasty bint to boot.

I agree that the ‘friend’ is selfish. However, I don’t agree that she will easily find someone else to share the cost with and if I have booked something with someone I think it’s only right to pay the remainder of the trip and not leave them out of pocket. @Billie0900 said the accommodation cost is the same, but surely if booking for two less people you would book smaller and cheaper accommodation?

Find out what the penalty is for cancelling the holiday booking entirely. At this distance it might be a relatively small percentage of the cost, (sometimes waived if you’re rebooking something else at the same venue) and you could offer to pay the difference, less the £90 you’ve already paid her.

…or she could try and find another friend to go with.

Just pull your DS out of the club. It sounds like he's very little - Reception/Yr1 sort of age. He'll have forgotten about it within a week.

It doesn't need to be a big drama about him being "invested in it". He's what? 6? Find something else for him to do that's closer to home.

I must have missed something, why are you pulling out of the holiday?

It reads as if you've managed to nurture a very small slight on this thread to feel worse and now you are overreacting. Step away and don't do anything until you've slept on it.

It sounds like a harder task than she offered, probably when the school run traffic was taken into account. Can you meet her at her DS school to make it easier? Can you get one bus and she collect you on her normal drive to the activity? Talk to her about it, but after this term move DS to a club nearer your home.

@Billie0900 how did the conversation with the « friend » go about the holidays?

If the boys’ schools are a 5 minute drive apart, assuming school run traffic, that can’t be much more than a 10 minute walk? Would she be willing to wait for you and DS to walk over? Or if you’re in London, is there public transport that would get you to the other school? Or is there a point along her driving route that you could walk to between the two schools?

Yes, I agree with this. As the above poster says, it's rare for the driver to be the CF but in this case, that is exactly what happened here.

She's a user. Now she has her mummy friends to go for coffee with she's dumped you. What a thoughtless cow she is.