Driver regretting offering lifts to non driver

[Billie0900]

I have a new-ish friend of 2 years who I met through our sons making friends at nursery.

I can't drive (for a medical reason) and she does but it has never been an issue until now.

Just before the summer holidays started she enrolled her DS in a martial arts club once per week on a thursday afternoon just around the corner from where they live (which is quite a way from us) and was keen for me to enroll DS as it was something he'd enjoy too.

I was reluctant as it starts at 4pm and I knew I'd have to take him straight from school via two busses once school resumed. The group only lasts 45 minutes and if you're more than 10 minutes late you can't come in so it just didn't seem feasible for us. I said I'd think about the logistics then decided not to go ahead.

That's when she (very kindly) offered to pick us up from school after she's picked up her DS and have us ride with her. Her DS school is a 5 minute drive from my DS school. I didn't like the idea of being reliant on her for transport and said that but she insisted it wasn't a problem and that her DS would be so happy if my DS came along so I reluctantly accepted and said I'd contribute to petrol.

Very long story short it has become obvious that picking us up is a hindrance which is exactly what I was worried about and why I was reluctant to accept the offer in the first place.

For the last two weeks she (understandably) asked if we can make our own way there. The first time was a nightmare, I ordered an uber which cancelled so we jumped on the bus and then the bus terminated 5 minutes down the road and kicked everyone off. There was no way we were going to make it so I had to cancel.

Last week we got there just short of the 10 minute 'too late' cut off point due to the after school traffic. It just doesn't work.

I think the whole thing has left a bit of a bad taste for both of us. DS is now fully invested in the group will be upset when I inevitably have to bring it to an end but it is what it is.

I mean, I know drivers must find non drivers annoying when asked for lifts and that's exactly why I never have (or ever would of) asked or expected her to ferry us about. It didn't even occur to me as an option until.

AIBU to think she shouldn't have insisted?

I don't think these comments are fair. She kindly offered and has realised after however many weeks it's becoming too much for her. She wasn't to know it would be too much. Has no one ever committed to something then realised the thought was better than the practicality? It's very easy to do. Should she just struggle along so she's not seen as "unkind" or "a bad friend" etc etc

This is why learning to drive is so important (apologies if you have medical conditions or other reasons you cannot drive) but your kid will miss out many things as you cannot drive. It is very hard to get to places without a car, is inconvenient and the weather in this country is rubbish. I'd recommend prioritising to drive, get a small car and drive your son to places yourself.

Imo she was trying to be kind, but now its become too much and she has to prioritise her own child. It isn't her problem you can't drive unfortunately.

Well if she incurs extra cost then that’s on her. She shouldn’t have put you in this position and now karma is going to bite her on the bum.

I think the friendship is basically over. Id be really annoyed if I were you. Please don’t pay a load of extra on the holiday booking. She’s the one who’s made the friendship awkward,

It wouldn’t be too much for her if she hadn’t got other friends to go now. The op isn’t needed anymore and its not right to badger the op like she did to agree, then just drop her now she’s not serving a purpose.

The OP clearly states she doesn't drive for medical reasons.

Kids don't miss out on things because of non driving parents, if those parents are organised and know how to utilise public transport, or, you know, walk or use a bike. I don't drive (medical reasons for me too). My kids did more after school activities than any other family I know, because I was organised enough to get them to and from places via public transport, and never needed lifts from anyone. Funnily enough though, I was often stepping in as the lift giver for driver parents, when they/their cars were out of action, and they couldn't figure out how they were going to get their kids from A to B (or couldn't be bothered to do it when it wasn't from the safety of their cars). I now have 2 independent, street savvy school age teens, who aren't afraid of rain or getting on a train, and who still do loads of extra curricular activities, as well as take themselves off shopping, to the cinema, to the gym, to their classes, to work etc. Yes, having a car is great, and driving is a wonderful skill if you have had the resources to learn and nothing physical stopping you. But it's not the end of the world if you can't, unless you let it be.

I would consider canceling the holiday. This woman is an expert at getting her needs met by talking other people into things that are not exactly in their own interests, but also has a habit of "moving people down the list" (aka dropping them) when she finds someone better. If you pay more towards the holiday, it may very well be that you end up not going because the relationship has broken down. I wouldn't offer to pay the change fee either. Tell her you'll take it out of what she owes you for tricking you into signing up for a paid activity that you can't use because you can't reliably get there since she reneged on her offer to transport you and your child.

Your friend shouldn't have insisted and you shouldn't have said yes. I don't blame you though. I am in my 40s and have never driven and will never drive due to disability. The conclusion I've come to is that if it's a one off and a friend you trust offers you a lift, it's ok to accept with no back-up plan or an expensive/inconvenient one. If it's regular you have to have an independent mode of transport that you are happy to use regularly. If lifts work that's great, but people's plans change, they can drop out of things, get sick etc. I would find a class nearer home for your DS.

Ime giving regular lifts on few occasions l have done so, one ended up with me wanting to kick the door down and drag them out their house or drive off without them after they regularly made me late/almost late and having to rush to my desk without a drink or able even go to the loo etc. Another one l offered /was persuaded to give a colleague a lift home which resulted in them sulking if l needed to call in a shop on way home etc. or if they finished half hour after me and l wasn't prepared to wait. Another one announced they wouldn't be contributing to petrol as they still had to buy a bus pass for their journey for the days l wasn't on same shift so weren't saving any money by me giving them a lift home !!
Not that l wanted /expected petrol money but it was just the attitude that stunk and even pulled me up on putting my name down for overtime meaning l couldn't give them a lift.

Sorry posted too soon but quite often giving a regular lift can be a real pain and often the non driver just doesn't get this. Not suggesting any of this applied to you but maybe did genuinely make her feel rushed /exasperated etc which she didn't realise till starting the lifts.

She sounds vile.

My dd wouldn’t go to any club without a friend joining her. Difference was I shared lifts with a friend for years.

I disagree. She should have thought about logistics before she offered or rather insisted. These are little kids and it’s horrible to let op’s ds down.

I had a persistent lift offerer who wanted me to go in her car with her to a gym class we both went to. I could walk a much more direct route than her car could take, and be there door to door in less than 15 minutes and nicely warmed up. Going with her meant putting up with her lack of direction, traffic jams, inability to find a parking space, inability to park and finally, faffing around with payment (which I would inevitably offer to do). All of which would take a heck of a lot more time than 15 minutes, and render me late.

Then there's the persistent lift offerer who would curb crawl me, particularly if it was raining, shouting out her window to get into her car, and wouldn't take no for an answer. I would have to repeat myself with increasing firmness to make her go away; meanwhile, traffic was building up behind her, and the whole thing was pretty embarrassing, and she was making me later and wetter.

Then there's the one I would often bump into in the supermarket, who would get offended, because I wouldn't wait for her to finish her shopping so that she could give me an unasked for lift home. I could be home using me feet by the time she'd got to the checkout.

Sauce for the goose.

Skip the holiday. You are out £60- but that's all.

Would I fuck be going away with her, I'm sure she'll have another victim willing to take your place. If not, tough.

Actually, I think I would be honest with her.

I'd send a text along the lines of

"Look. It's clear that picking us up is a bit of a pain (which is completely understandable and the reason I hesitated in taking you up on your offer). The problem is that having talked us into joining the club, DS is now really invested and loves going - and without the lift - it's just not viable. I know that your DS has other friends there now, so it seems as though perhaps our involvement is less important to you, but that leaves me with a very hurt DS who was upset when I mentioned we might have to stop going. Can you be honest with me and let me know if you intend to resume the lifts regularly or if it has just become too much of a burden? At least that way, I can manage DS's expectations. Thanks".

At least this way you have made it clear that she is being a bit selfish without being a complete cow.

Agreed.
With any luck she'll be relieved.
But stick to your guns.
You will not be going and there will be no more payments / instalments.

Can I just check, though - your friend does know you can't drive for health reasons? I ask because I do have the experience of giving one friend very consistent lifts - a friend who I know can drive and has a licence, but chooses not to, and to bum lifts from others instead rather than owning a car.

Well that’s a bit shit of her! Your child has outlived their usefulness now she has other mums to hang out with, so she no longer wants him there?

She’s not a friend, she’s a user.

You can think about logistics all you want. Sometimes it's harder/more time consuming/more energy consuming than anticipated.

Op, I feel for you and your son.

However, if it was me I wouldn't be dropping out if it this quickly. Someone recommended above that you can arrange with a local taxi firm to bring you to the practice. After all you do not have normal car costs that others have and you could think of it as a cost that you would have had if you did not have the issues precluding you from driving.And your son might make new friends there.
I would check it out anyway - that's my two cents anyway.

My thoughts too. I wouldn’t put too much in this friendship x

This is what I thought too. If this club started just before the summer holidays and ran through summer, maybe the traffic wasn't as intense around school pick up and was more feasible? Or maybe after two months, she has just decided it is too much for her. I don't think it makes her a bad friend or particularly unkind.

She's a user, PPs excusing her with traffic comments is that; an excuse, she literally is 5 mins from picking OP up.
I'm sure with her new pals she'll
find someone to go on the trip.
Tell her asap you're pulling out, it'll not be a surprise to her.

I learned to drive late. I have experienced people who have insisted you go somewhere and they will drive you and then change their minds or act like you are a burden. ‘Can’t you make your way home from this impossible location I insisted you come to with me’ etc.

i did know someone from school in a similar situation. The driving parents started complaining the others weren’t taking a turn (they didn’t have a car so they couldn’t) but non driving mum started taking the piss, not wanting to go herself and asking the dad to pick up dinner for them on the way back! Luckily covid hit.