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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Driver regretting offering lifts to non driver

162 replies

Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 22:09

I have a new-ish friend of 2 years who I met through our sons making friends at nursery.

I can't drive (for a medical reason) and she does but it has never been an issue until now.

Just before the summer holidays started she enrolled her DS in a martial arts club once per week on a thursday afternoon just around the corner from where they live (which is quite a way from us) and was keen for me to enroll DS as it was something he'd enjoy too.

I was reluctant as it starts at 4pm and I knew I'd have to take him straight from school via two busses once school resumed. The group only lasts 45 minutes and if you're more than 10 minutes late you can't come in so it just didn't seem feasible for us. I said I'd think about the logistics then decided not to go ahead.

That's when she (very kindly) offered to pick us up from school after she's picked up her DS and have us ride with her. Her DS school is a 5 minute drive from my DS school. I didn't like the idea of being reliant on her for transport and said that but she insisted it wasn't a problem and that her DS would be so happy if my DS came along so I reluctantly accepted and said I'd contribute to petrol.

Very long story short it has become obvious that picking us up is a hindrance which is exactly what I was worried about and why I was reluctant to accept the offer in the first place.

For the last two weeks she (understandably) asked if we can make our own way there. The first time was a nightmare, I ordered an uber which cancelled so we jumped on the bus and then the bus terminated 5 minutes down the road and kicked everyone off. There was no way we were going to make it so I had to cancel.

Last week we got there just short of the 10 minute 'too late' cut off point due to the after school traffic. It just doesn't work.

I think the whole thing has left a bit of a bad taste for both of us. DS is now fully invested in the group will be upset when I inevitably have to bring it to an end but it is what it is.

I mean, I know drivers must find non drivers annoying when asked for lifts and that's exactly why I never have (or ever would of) asked or expected her to ferry us about. It didn't even occur to me as an option until.

AIBU to think she shouldn't have insisted?

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 27/09/2023 19:41

I was a single mum to a son get yourselves away to a Travelodge. I go online find one in a city York, Edinburgh etc search a bit and there very reasonable and then I just book us train tickets to get there. Once there we can wander around parks , museums,shops etc all you have to do is buy your food somewhere or if like me on a budget we did McDonald's etc. What you've paid your friend so far would have been a 3 night stay. I am a very quiet happy in my own company person but I first made the effort for son and now I adore going on these little breaks,seeing new places.

Mountaineer0009 · 27/09/2023 19:52

Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 22:22

She hasn't stopped going to the class no but she has had a couple of other friends of hers join with their kids.

Initially she wanted DS to join so her DS had somebody he knew there, and so I could keep her company for the 45 mins until pick up. A weekly meet up thing. Her DS now has another two of his friends there and their mums to go for coffee with so it's not as important for my DS to go with him iyswim and I think she regrets offering the lifts now.

basically shes got better offers it seems and or maybe also giving another person a lift

DistressedDamson · 27/09/2023 20:12

Well done 👏there’s always one AIN’T there 🙄

DistressedDamson · 27/09/2023 20:13

Sorry that was meant to tag the one who pointed out the OP using Of instead of Have. Seriously winds me up

Lou982 · 27/09/2023 20:14

Honestly? I do not miss these days. The ‘mum mates’ thing in hindsight was a tedious drain on already precious time. Dark glasses in the playground work a treat 😂 I’m all for encouraging the kids social life and extra curricular, but not at the expense of family life, stress and people pleasing. The kids eventually drop the pals we make for them anyway and do their own thing.

MadamPia · 27/09/2023 20:21

If she offered she should have known that it would require another stop. She obviously underestimated the impact it would have on her and she clearly has poorly managed her time. I tend to offer during school holidays but usually I factor in the extra time and ensure I don’t have anything pressing that will pop up before and after “carpooling”

As a driver I offer the odd lift, but never anything permanent because I know that my personal schedule is very up and down. It’s also terrible if you’ve had to pay for the classes. Whereas my ex for example drove anyone everywhere and was hardly in a rush but could commit.

She definitely shouldn’t have offered and insisted if she couldn’t commit.

Original poster
Billie0900 · 27/09/2023 20:44

I really wouldn't feel comfortable restarting the lifts now even if she did offer as I hate the thought of burdening anybody. I wouldn't want her to feel obliged to do something she didn't want to do.

I haven't spoken to her about any of it yet.

I spotted a poster say they think that I'm jealous she has other friends? Don't be so silly, we're not in the playground.

I'm not a high maintenance friend. The idea of any of my friends not having other friends and relying on me to meet their every social need is my idea of a nightmare.

OP posts:
Sjh15 · 27/09/2023 21:59

I feel a bit sorry for your DS.
she was willing to make sure he could get there so her son had some company, until he now has other friends there and your son has been dropped! That’s just really mean of her. It’s not about her insisting, she’s used your son!

Tillie12 · 27/09/2023 22:21

She sounds like an arse, used you at her convenience making it sound like she was helping you out, now doesn’t need your company anymore and changed her tune. I’d pull him out of the group and find something different 😖x

JST88 · 27/09/2023 22:30

Just sounds like one of these things, she’s had the best of intentions and you went against your own gut instinct which you shouldn’t have, we’ve all done it but lesson learned I guess. You know best so just maybe stand stronger next time? Annoying that she was acting pissy with you about the lifts/made it clear it was inconvenient that’s really bad mannered of her and annoying when you explicitly said you didn’t want to have to rely on her for lifts.

fairydust11 · 27/09/2023 22:42

WandaWonder · 26/09/2023 22:45

You knew it was going to be trouble so you should not have arranged this, just withdraw and organise something local

I completely agree with this. You should never have accepted. You had a gut feeling it wasn’t right.
The solution is to remove him and find something else closer & easier for you to get to.

user1477391263 · 28/09/2023 00:56

This is why learning to drive is so important (apologies if you have medical conditions or other reasons you cannot drive) but your kid will miss out many things as you cannot drive. It is very hard to get to places without a car, is inconvenient and the weather in this country is rubbish. I'd recommend prioritising to drive, get a small car and drive your son to places yourself.

The OP has already explained that a) she can't drive for medical reasons; b) she lives in a city where almost everything is available without a car, and that it's just sheer bad luck that this happened to be one of the few things that isn't easy with public transit.

The kids I feel sorry for are the ones whose parents deliberately choose to move to places with hardly any public transport or walkability/cyclability. Once they are teenagers and no longer want to "play in the garden," it can be very hard for them; they are dependent on being driven about by parents and pleading for lifts, and cannot get anywhere under their own steam.

The OP and her son clearly manage fine in situations other than this, and her son will have a brilliant time in a few years, buzzing about by himself with friends and developing independence.

Baba197 · 28/09/2023 07:25

She sounds like a user. Used you and your son for company and now doesn’t need you. Try find something closer to home that your son can go to, don’t bother telling her either. Schools usually have after school clubs from year 1 which will prob be easier for you so def look into those for when he’s allowed to use them. I hate being reliant on other people especially when they’ve decided it isn’t convenient for them, she should never have offered if wasn’t prepared to see it through but she’s no loss to you

Baba197 · 28/09/2023 07:27

This

anonymousxoxo · 28/09/2023 07:30

user1477391263 · 28/09/2023 00:56

This is why learning to drive is so important (apologies if you have medical conditions or other reasons you cannot drive) but your kid will miss out many things as you cannot drive. It is very hard to get to places without a car, is inconvenient and the weather in this country is rubbish. I'd recommend prioritising to drive, get a small car and drive your son to places yourself.

The OP has already explained that a) she can't drive for medical reasons; b) she lives in a city where almost everything is available without a car, and that it's just sheer bad luck that this happened to be one of the few things that isn't easy with public transit.

The kids I feel sorry for are the ones whose parents deliberately choose to move to places with hardly any public transport or walkability/cyclability. Once they are teenagers and no longer want to "play in the garden," it can be very hard for them; they are dependent on being driven about by parents and pleading for lifts, and cannot get anywhere under their own steam.

The OP and her son clearly manage fine in situations other than this, and her son will have a brilliant time in a few years, buzzing about by himself with friends and developing independence.

But, your whole post relies on a city. My context was going to different areas and road trips other adventures.

Unfortunately, UK public transport is rubbish and the other parent can drive which has more convenience. She can drive her son to many places not restricted to her city.

Dependence on car doesn’t equal laziness or unwillingness to walk.

I use my car to go gym.
I use my car to go hiking in new places.
I take my car to go to new places, how do you think I get around - by using my 2 legs.

Using a car doesn’t equal laziness. It’s equal to convenience.

My commute to office consists of M5 and M6 motorway. Or 3 buses and 2 trains. What do you think I prefer?

Playaville · 28/09/2023 07:33

i don’t think you sound jealous. You sound like a classic people pleaser and you should work on that so you don’t end up in situations like this and the holiday

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 28/09/2023 07:37

Billie0900 · 26/09/2023 22:22

She hasn't stopped going to the class no but she has had a couple of other friends of hers join with their kids.

Initially she wanted DS to join so her DS had somebody he knew there, and so I could keep her company for the 45 mins until pick up. A weekly meet up thing. Her DS now has another two of his friends there and their mums to go for coffee with so it's not as important for my DS to go with him iyswim and I think she regrets offering the lifts now.

Sounds like she used you because it suited her and now she can get the same thing, friend for DS and someone for her to chat to, without any extra effort on her part she's dropped you. I wouldn't be thinking of her as a friend anymore. I'd never push a friend in these circumstances to join something with both our kids, just to drop them like that. If consider I'd made that commitment for a long time. Unless something big happened out of my control that meant my kid couldn't go at all anymore and then I'd be real apologetic that I'd put them out like that. She really isn't a nice person.

LoudSnoringDog · 28/09/2023 07:45

She doesn’t sound like a very good friend. Cut your losses now.

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 07:46

anonymousxoxo · 28/09/2023 07:30

But, your whole post relies on a city. My context was going to different areas and road trips other adventures.

Unfortunately, UK public transport is rubbish and the other parent can drive which has more convenience. She can drive her son to many places not restricted to her city.

Dependence on car doesn’t equal laziness or unwillingness to walk.

I use my car to go gym.
I use my car to go hiking in new places.
I take my car to go to new places, how do you think I get around - by using my 2 legs.

Using a car doesn’t equal laziness. It’s equal to convenience.

My commute to office consists of M5 and M6 motorway. Or 3 buses and 2 trains. What do you think I prefer?

Show quote history

You post was smug and patronising. You’re now defending it?

Jeez one of the first things op pointed out was that a medical issue prevents her having a driving license.

I’m cringing that you told op to “ get a small car” as if you’re the only person in the world who knows how useful cars are 🙄

c0vb1rd · 28/09/2023 08:03

It was clear from the start that it was too risky and a long commute - you decided to go so undecide and just say it's not working. Simple.com

stichguru · 28/09/2023 08:55

Bahhhhhumbug · 27/09/2023 18:21

Sorry posted too soon but quite often giving a regular lift can be a real pain and often the non driver just doesn't get this. Not suggesting any of this applied to you but maybe did genuinely make her feel rushed /exasperated etc which she didn't realise till starting the lifts.

Bahhhhumbug exactly. This is why as a non-driver I would NEVER start something that a couldn't get to without taxi/public transport. I have some wonderful people in my life who DO offer me lifts (a colleague gives me a lift to and from work one day a week when our timetables overlap, another, now retired colleague, used to drive me home after our late team meeting, fairly regularly although it made her journey longer. I might plan to do a one off thing that needed a lift, but NEVER a regular thing.

Original poster
Billie0900 · 28/09/2023 09:02

I have already put my hands up and said I shouldn't have accepted the offer long term so I don't know why I'm getting a ticking off for that and not driving. As I said in my OP I cannot drive due to medical reasons. If I have a seizure behind the wheel I could kill myself, DS, other drivers or pedestrians.

OP posts:
anonymousxoxo · 28/09/2023 09:27

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 07:46

You post was smug and patronising. You’re now defending it?

Jeez one of the first things op pointed out was that a medical issue prevents her having a driving license.

I’m cringing that you told op to “ get a small car” as if you’re the only person in the world who knows how useful cars are 🙄

Show quote history

Ahaha, you sound jealous! My post wasn’t smug or patronising in the slightest. My comment for small car was it’s easier to drive and park (I have a small car, I would never get a large suv) as I find it hard to drive and park.

Driving bring convenience, but you can stay delusional.

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 09:51

No I’m not jealous? I have a car thanks , I’m aware how useful it is Confused

Why are you banging on about how convenient owning a small car is when the op is unable to hold a license due to seizures? Is there a point?

OceanicBoundlessness · 28/09/2023 10:19

I think it's a combination of.

  • her not realising what a relatively small detour would be like in practical terms until she'd done it a few times.
  • wanting a friend there so that her child would be prepared to start a new activity and now not having that need.

I think if I was you I would cut your losses and start your child closer to home because after a term that change will be harder.

I think I would let your friend off easily and say that you realise doing that drive has been a lot different to what she imagined and that's fine.