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Original poster

Dh sending me pick of nude men

177 replies

wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 13:12

My husband and I are bisexual. My husband has only recently started to accept this part of himself. It comes with a lot of shame, sadness, anger and confusion on his part. We have both commented on women we like and shared with each other. The other day, DH sent me a male nude showing the type he likes. I could see he was waiting for my response. My first response was shell shock. I am still trying to figure out this part of himself that he is being more open about.

So as not to drip feed. DH had a one night stand with a man about 2 months ago. I still feel hurt and angry by this. So when he sent me the male nude, my heart just stopped and I just felt hurt. Sadly his early outward exploration of this part of himself comes with infidelity.

He's been quiet the past couple of days and we spoke briefly this morning. He says he feels hurt that I didn't respond positively or engage in the photo and that it felt like I had rejected and hated this part of him. After sending the male nude, he followed up by apologizing, so for him to then state he feels rejected feels the apology isn't ernest.

I feel like I just want him to stop and pause and instead of looking at dick pics to focus on me. I can't quite work out why we can both look at women but with men it's different? I've examined unconscious homophobia and I don't think it's this. I think I just feel hurt. His exploration with men came with infidelity. This deeply hurt. So I can't just then respond to a picture with anything other than hurt, confusion or anger. I'm also bemused at the idea that he thinks a dick pic with a hairy chest is going to do anything for me other than ‘meh’. I like to actually see faces - so to be sent just - body picture does absolutely nothing for me. I will say I do judge a man who thinks about posting pics like this. I do not find it appealing. I found myself looking in the background, curious whether he has a partner who knows about him posting really personal pictures.

We will be talking about it later but I am curious to know what other people think?

OP posts:
MiIaMae · 26/09/2023 13:23

The whole things sounds messy and like it's only going to lead to heartache. It's unfair to pick and choose what's ok, it's either ok or it's not. If he sent you a photo of a woman would that have been ok? If that would have been ok then I think it leads to confusion on what he can and can't do.

The cheating is separate. That's an issue in itself.

For me, the whole things sounds messy and not something I'd be happy being a part of.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 13:27

How long have you been married, and do you have children with him?

The infidelity would be a deal breaker for most, regardless of whether it was with a woman or a man. He has broken his promises to you, and put your sexual health at risk. And now he is rubbing it in your face all over again by sending you pictures of the men he fancies.

Those aren't the actions of a husband who loves and respects you.

PandaExpress · 26/09/2023 13:33

This sounds like an absolute mess. He's cheated on you. If he'd cheated on you with a woman, would you be more or less accepting? It's the same to me. You don't have to go along with this. Some men just expect to get their way, regardless of the cost to women.
This is why most married couples share fantasies in the bedroom together, but don't actually act on them. Reality hits them, when they aren't in the throws of passion.
Love and respect is more important than sex. Your DH isn't showing you either.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 13:34

Sadly his early outward exploration of this part of himself comes with infidelity.

You sound as though you are passively accepting his behaviour. That you see it as something you just have to put up with.

Being bisexual doesn't mean you are allowed to disrespect your partner's sexual boundaries. You should already know, but you seem to be accepting it from him because he's bi? It's bullshit, and needs calling out for what it is.

He has a life partner, and she isn't male. He chose to marry you, so he needs to either commit to you or fuck off. Fucking about with men on the side should not be an acceptable option.

oistopthatyoucheekysnail · 26/09/2023 13:38

It sounds to me as though you're willing to chat about other women together because ultimately, you are the woman he has chosen. However, you are not male and not able to compete in the area he's since discovered, leaving you feeling left out of the scenario.

In any event, he cheated on you which shows he has the capacity to be unfaithful, regardless of whether they are male or female.

WereYouListeningToTheDudesStory · 26/09/2023 13:48

I'm bisexual and you don't sound homophobic to me.

You don't want your partner sleeping with other people or sending you pictures of people he finds attractive, which is a completely reasonable expectation. The bisexuality is a red herring. In no way is it a get out clause to do whatever you want and you should hold him to the exact same standards as anyone else.

I pretty much always date male partners and there is absolutely no need for me to be sleeping with women on the side because I'm unsatisfied. Anyone who claims bisexual people can't be satisfied with one gender is talking out of their arse.

Letitgonowgr · 26/09/2023 13:50

The issue here is clearly the infidelity! You stayed with him despite this so clearly he thinks sending you a pic of what turns him on, the same as you both share pics of women you like us ok and clearly for you it isn’t! Why did you take him back after he cheated?

Tdcp · 26/09/2023 13:53

You don't sound homophobic, he cheated on you. The fact he's bisexual and has opened up about his interest in men is irrelevant. He needs to be more understanding of your feeling and stop being so selfish. You need to be slightly less understanding and put your feelings first.

CleverLilViper · 26/09/2023 14:07

You don’t sound homophobic to me.

He cheated on you. That’s the issue. From
your post, it seems as if his acceptance/ acknowledgement of his sexuality is being used as a shield or excuse for his very poor behaviour.

He feels “rejected” by you? It’s interesting that he’s making this about how he feels and not how you feel.

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 14:08

MiIaMae · 26/09/2023 13:23

The whole things sounds messy and like it's only going to lead to heartache. It's unfair to pick and choose what's ok, it's either ok or it's not. If he sent you a photo of a woman would that have been ok? If that would have been ok then I think it leads to confusion on what he can and can't do.

The cheating is separate. That's an issue in itself.

For me, the whole things sounds messy and not something I'd be happy being a part of.

We do exchange photos of women.

OP posts:
Luckydog7 · 26/09/2023 14:08

The question you need to ask yourself is, if he had sent you a picture of a man where there had been no previous infidelity, how would you feel? If you would be fine with it in the same way that you were when considering women photos then it is obviously the infidelity tainting your view of him.

Have you actually told him how the infidelity has effected you and your enjoyment of photos of men? He seems oblivious that you are upset at all? Is he even sorry??

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 14:09

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 13:27

How long have you been married, and do you have children with him?

The infidelity would be a deal breaker for most, regardless of whether it was with a woman or a man. He has broken his promises to you, and put your sexual health at risk. And now he is rubbing it in your face all over again by sending you pictures of the men he fancies.

Those aren't the actions of a husband who loves and respects you.

Together 23 years. 2 kids.

OP posts:
Fleasbane · 26/09/2023 14:09

Did you agree to have an open marriage or did he decide that on his own?

Diamondcurtains · 26/09/2023 14:13

Personally the infidelity would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn’t get past that no matter who it was with.

MiIaMae · 26/09/2023 14:14

If the fact that he likes men is not ok with you then that is relationship ending. It is ok to say you both like women but you draw the line at him liking men. If he's ok with you liking women great, if he's not then that's relationship ending for him.

You need to discuss things, but if you're not ok with it, and you know he likes men, then a decision needs making.

I couldn't stay with a man who cheated on me, and it would be a no brainer for me if he cheated with a man.

We all have different ideas of what we will accept and tolerate.

TiredMamOfTwo · 26/09/2023 14:14

Did you agree to an open marriage?

I don't think I could move past the cheating if not. Every time you're reminded of his bisexuality you're reminded he cheated on you.

Helenahandkart · 26/09/2023 14:20

Cheating is cheating. You can be heterosexual and not have all your needs met by your partner, but that doesn’t excuse cheating. The same is true if you’re bisexual. All of your needs are not being met by your partner, you still don’t cheat.
When we commit to a relationship, we commit to a person, not a sex. And we accept that we have to do without the things that our partner doesn’t have.

I imagine that one of the reasons you feel so distressed by the picture of a man is that your partner is showing you something he wants, and there is no way at all you can offer him that. So perhaps there’s a feeling of helplessness in your reaction, because you can’t compete.

What a shitty thing he’s done to you.

Grimchmas · 26/09/2023 14:21

You say you're trying to work out why you feel this way but it's pretty clear to me that you've already worked that out. He cheated on you recently with a man, so of course him sending you pictures of men he finds attractive isn't exactly being sensitive to you or condusive to rebuilding trust.

I'd also wonder if he has that guy's permission to share the pic, or if it's publicly posted online.

Finding the body attractive without the face is a fairly typical man thing, and wanting to see the face a fairly typical woman thing, so I wouldn't focus on that bit too much.

I say this as a bi woman with a bi male partner myself - I'd be worried in your H's case that he is closet gay.

Bobbotgegrinch · 26/09/2023 14:21

It's the infidelity thats getting to you, not homophobia.

Unfortunately his behaviour means that every time he brings up this side of his sexuality, you're going to be reminded of the fact that he shagged someone else.

Personally that would be a deal breaker for me.

SmugglersHaunt · 26/09/2023 14:22

It’s not ‘subconscious homophobia’, so you can probably dispense with the navel gazing. Your husband is a cheat, and now the floodgates are open, will likely do it again and again. I’m sorry, but it sounds like he’s a) self-obsessed and b) completely dismissive of your feelings and c) more likely to seek a dick finale in future. It would be a dealbreaker for me

PosterBoy · 26/09/2023 14:24

He cheated on you and you are both outwardly ignoring that.

If he had slept with another woman and was now sending photos of women he fancied, how would you feel?

OhmygodDont · 26/09/2023 14:25

Like others have said. It’s the cheating that’s the issue here. The photo is just bringing it to the surface again.

If he cheated with a women and was still sending naked women picks you’d likely feel exactly the same.

All his done is cheat with this body type then rubbed it in your face going this is my body type look at this naked body that I fancy that isn’t yours and with an added and never ever could be that never existed before the infidelity.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/09/2023 14:27

Assuming you don't want to split, I'd be making it clear you're still recovering from HIS infidelity, the safety of your marriage is not yet set, and you don't want ANY of his wank materials. IF you change your mind, you'll let him know. Right now you both need to fix what is broken.

If he doesn't like that, he knows what to do.

ManateeFair · 26/09/2023 14:32

There are two separate things going on here.

One is that your husband cheated on you. The other is that he likes men as well as women.

The cheating is unequivocally a bad thing and it's up to you whether you can forgive him or not. Whether it was a man or a woman he cheated with is irrelevant.

Your general discomfort over him fancying men (when you don't have any similar discomfort over yourself liking women) is another issue. I suspect you would feel this way regardless of the previous infidelity, to be honest. You sound genuinely a bit repulsed by his desires, which I don't think is surmountable. Your response to the picture sounds like the response I'd expect from someone whose partner had a niche fetish rather than from a bisexual woman whose husband is also bisexual receiving an ordinary picture of a male body. I think that you would like to think of yourself as being very liberal and inclusive when it comes to sexuality, but are now discovering that maybe you're a bit more straight-laced than you thought, and that you don't really find bisexuality in men attractive. I don't think that's necessarily homophobia, but I can't see that this is something you're going to get over.

You just sound incompatible to be honest. He finds you attractive as a bisexual woman. You don't find him attractive as a bisexual man.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/09/2023 14:34

The cheating is the issue. Being Bi is not an invitation to cheat. You can both agree to an open marriage where you can sleep with those of the same gender to "satisfy" that urge if you BOTH feel comfortable with that and agree its needed. But that's different.

It does seem unfair that you are able to send photos of women you like but have gotten angry he's sent you one of a man and I can see why he'd be upset by your reaction. But the cheating has affected how you view that I suspect.