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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh sending me pick of nude men

177 replies

wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 13:12

My husband and I are bisexual. My husband has only recently started to accept this part of himself. It comes with a lot of shame, sadness, anger and confusion on his part. We have both commented on women we like and shared with each other. The other day, DH sent me a male nude showing the type he likes. I could see he was waiting for my response. My first response was shell shock. I am still trying to figure out this part of himself that he is being more open about.

So as not to drip feed. DH had a one night stand with a man about 2 months ago. I still feel hurt and angry by this. So when he sent me the male nude, my heart just stopped and I just felt hurt. Sadly his early outward exploration of this part of himself comes with infidelity.

He's been quiet the past couple of days and we spoke briefly this morning. He says he feels hurt that I didn't respond positively or engage in the photo and that it felt like I had rejected and hated this part of him. After sending the male nude, he followed up by apologizing, so for him to then state he feels rejected feels the apology isn't ernest.

I feel like I just want him to stop and pause and instead of looking at dick pics to focus on me. I can't quite work out why we can both look at women but with men it's different? I've examined unconscious homophobia and I don't think it's this. I think I just feel hurt. His exploration with men came with infidelity. This deeply hurt. So I can't just then respond to a picture with anything other than hurt, confusion or anger. I'm also bemused at the idea that he thinks a dick pic with a hairy chest is going to do anything for me other than ‘meh’. I like to actually see faces - so to be sent just - body picture does absolutely nothing for me. I will say I do judge a man who thinks about posting pics like this. I do not find it appealing. I found myself looking in the background, curious whether he has a partner who knows about him posting really personal pictures.

We will be talking about it later but I am curious to know what other people think?

OP posts:
thiswasabadone · 26/09/2023 18:25

He's a cheat that's the issue here

MrsMarzetti · 26/09/2023 18:36

What an entitled bastard you husband sounds. He has the audacity to be upset that you are less than impressed with him sending you photos of nude blokes he fancies and his cheating on you ! Divorce is the only option here.

Upwiththelark76 · 26/09/2023 18:36

Hmmm so I’m understanding this as its
ok for you both to like women ….. but
men are off limits for your husband ? Sounds like it’s already for complicated, confusing and messy

Desecratedcoconut · 26/09/2023 18:46

Upwiththelark76 · 26/09/2023 18:36

Hmmm so I’m understanding this as its
ok for you both to like women ….. but
men are off limits for your husband ? Sounds like it’s already for complicated, confusing and messy

That'd be the upshot if you were determined to breezily skip passed the affair.

Upwiththelark76 · 26/09/2023 18:47

I thought it sounded like an open relationship ?

OhmygodDont · 26/09/2023 18:49

Ah ok so prior to children you where swingers but since children you’ve been monogamous and his just had an affair because his a dick who suddenly realised his bisexuality.

I do hate people who use coming out as a way of being a twat and cheating and everyone’s meant to be so proud and happy for them. Destroying their partner and possibly entire family to chase a new bit of “insert new genitalia”

Saschka · 26/09/2023 18:55

Upwiththelark76 · 26/09/2023 18:47

I thought it sounded like an open relationship ?

OP said upthread that it wasn’t.

Saschka · 26/09/2023 18:59

Genuine question - how do bisexual couples meet that need in themselves? Is it just with fantasy?

The same way straight women deal with fancying Hot Ben in accounts while married to Boring Chris Who Farts in Bed. You don’t act on it when you are in a monogamous relationship. Being bisexual just means you fancy people of both sexes, it doesn’t mean you have to have sex with both men and women, just that you could if you wanted to.

Uggtrending · 26/09/2023 19:07

Massive Massive drip feed OP. I knew you must of slept with another woman because front your first couple of posts you weren't exactly raging about your DH sleeping with nit only someone else but another man.

Get yourself to a GUM clinic. For me this is a can of worms. Maybe your DH is gay??

BranchGold · 26/09/2023 19:17

I think there is some blurring of the lines in regards to was there an open relationship or not. Unless you can both say you categorically discussed and shelved any others from your relationship as a clear line in the sand?

Are the women you share images of ‘real’ people for want or a better word? Or models that are purely fantasy?

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 19:38

Grimchmas · 26/09/2023 18:09

Wait, you've slept with multiple other people since being with him? Were they with his consent?

Yes. Both of us consented.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 19:39

OhmygodDont · 26/09/2023 18:13

Wait so if your relationship open with other women or just mutual threesomes.

Seems like some blurred lines here between what’s ok for your bisexuality and his.

Yes, we have been swingers together in the past. This was over 10 years ago and well before kids.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 26/09/2023 19:41

I’m not completely sure, but I think he can be bisexual AND be a twat.

He’s being completely insensitive

Desecratedcoconut · 26/09/2023 19:54

It sounds like you both agreed to adopt a more conventional set-up that you are more satisfied by than he is. It's not just the affair, which you might otherwise get through, it's that he is ramping up the ante and signalling, with these new photos and deep reflection on his un-tapped exploration, that he's bored by these conventional restrictions.

You aren't unconsciously homophobic, he's intentionally rocking the boat. Of course it's pissing you off.

Nanny0gg · 26/09/2023 20:02

But you've both been unfaithful and you clearly have had an open marriage.

You've slept with men and women. Why do you now get to say that he can't do the same?

Shadowchaser · 26/09/2023 20:09

I find this whole thing bizarre, sorry OP.

Just because someone is bisexual does not mean you have to bang on about it all the time or show eachother photos of people you may fancy. As a straight woman I’ve seen attractive men- I certainly don’t send them to DH to create unnecessary drama and I have no intention of acting on it so why rock the boat for nothing?

Surely in a relationship you’ve chosen your partner whether you’re bisexual or not? Just because your bisexual does that allow you to cheat because you’re not shagging both sexes…no it does not! Bisexual people don’t need a free pass to explore without a partners permission, that’s a disgusting and selfish thing to do to someone else.

Get rid of the disrespectful cheating arsehole.

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 20:13

Nanny0gg · 26/09/2023 20:02

But you've both been unfaithful and you clearly have had an open marriage.

You've slept with men and women. Why do you now get to say that he can't do the same?

Swinging is not being unfaithful. We both consented and preagreed our boundaries.

OP posts:
junbean · 26/09/2023 20:18

I think it's hot when men don't repress their sexuality. But cheating is the worst. So congrats to him for finding himself, glad you've been able to work through the infidelity, but damn he's being heartless or at least insensitive to your needs. Sounds like he's making it all about him and little thought to what you're going through. Personally I would stand up for myself and then encourage or support after I've gotten over it if possible.

Gwendimarco · 26/09/2023 20:21

Your boundaries seem really blurry. You’ve each got different perspectives and emotions about what is and isn't okay.

I think you need to decide whether you can move on from this and if you want to stay with him or not. If you do, draw a line under the past and agree new, very clear, expectations moving forward

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 26/09/2023 20:33

You both brought other people into the relationship, however long ago it was. It blurs lines, it’s risky because no one knows what will trigger them, and respectfully, @wwyd234 you’re not really being fair. You’ve done everything but give your blessing for him to go and do his thing - it was all good until you decided it wasn’t.

And that’s the problem with these open/not open/swinging/god knows wtf relationships. At some point one will go beyond the ‘agreement’ and one will get hurt.

Sorry, YABU and you either roll the clock back (if you can, he’s now open to those side of himself) or you split.

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 20:58

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 26/09/2023 20:33

You both brought other people into the relationship, however long ago it was. It blurs lines, it’s risky because no one knows what will trigger them, and respectfully, @wwyd234 you’re not really being fair. You’ve done everything but give your blessing for him to go and do his thing - it was all good until you decided it wasn’t.

And that’s the problem with these open/not open/swinging/god knows wtf relationships. At some point one will go beyond the ‘agreement’ and one will get hurt.

Sorry, YABU and you either roll the clock back (if you can, he’s now open to those side of himself) or you split.

Your views on swinging are uninformed. Swinging is not synonymous with carte Blanche fuck who you like.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 21:00

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 26/09/2023 20:33

You both brought other people into the relationship, however long ago it was. It blurs lines, it’s risky because no one knows what will trigger them, and respectfully, @wwyd234 you’re not really being fair. You’ve done everything but give your blessing for him to go and do his thing - it was all good until you decided it wasn’t.

And that’s the problem with these open/not open/swinging/god knows wtf relationships. At some point one will go beyond the ‘agreement’ and one will get hurt.

Sorry, YABU and you either roll the clock back (if you can, he’s now open to those side of himself) or you split.

Those who swing tend to communicate better, have improved overall relationships and less likely to divorce. A quick google search will evidence this.

DH recent affair was a choice he made separate to our previous lifestyle and most importantly without my consent or blessing.

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 26/09/2023 21:10

So:

  • early on in your relationship you both consented to swinging
  • later you had kids and agreed to be monogamous (and did not consent to anymore swinging)
  • during this time you have both sent and received photos of women ypu are attracted to
  • you have never had sex with anyone that you and husband did not agree to and consent to together
  • your husband had an affair 2 months ago
  • your husband is now sending you a different type of photo not sent or received by either of you before
  • the new type of photo is linked in a way to the affair he had

Gender doesn't matter. If he had an affair with a woman with long red hair... has never sent a photo of a woman with long red hair before but is suddenly sending them post affair as a way of exploring new sexual preferences.... no-one would expect you to do anything other than tell him to piss off.

He sounds insensitive. I think your boundaries are clear and he's walked all over them. Your feelings are hurt and you need him to respect that. Anything sex wise is surely off the table until you rebuild trust.

Hope you're OK OP.

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 21:10

Although not a popular or accepted viewpoint, DH and I are not conventional. However, until now, everything we have done has been done with the other partner's knowledge and blessing. DH decided to go against this. I will say that this decision did not occur because of our previous lifestyle and after a lot of discussions, was a bad decision fueled by his confusion and stress. This is not to excuse it, but to try and understand it so we can work towards rebuilding. I didn't mention the swinging initially as I know this would deter from recent events which I didn't want to happen.

DH grew up in a very abusive and repressed household. He witnessed open homophobia. Although I've always known about his bisexuality, when we spoke about it during swinging he stated he didn't want to explore this side and was happy being with other women and for me to explore other men/women. I at the time also didnt want to see him or him to have sexual contact with men. We have spoken about this recently and he has stated that this only contributed more to his own self hatred, shame and confusion.

OP posts:
Uggtrending · 26/09/2023 21:11

@wwyd234 the thing is your DH has cheated with a man. Most married women would be alarmed but you seem chilled as though it's the norm. It's clearly linked to swinging and the lack of boundaries