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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh sending me pick of nude men

177 replies

wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 13:12

My husband and I are bisexual. My husband has only recently started to accept this part of himself. It comes with a lot of shame, sadness, anger and confusion on his part. We have both commented on women we like and shared with each other. The other day, DH sent me a male nude showing the type he likes. I could see he was waiting for my response. My first response was shell shock. I am still trying to figure out this part of himself that he is being more open about.

So as not to drip feed. DH had a one night stand with a man about 2 months ago. I still feel hurt and angry by this. So when he sent me the male nude, my heart just stopped and I just felt hurt. Sadly his early outward exploration of this part of himself comes with infidelity.

He's been quiet the past couple of days and we spoke briefly this morning. He says he feels hurt that I didn't respond positively or engage in the photo and that it felt like I had rejected and hated this part of him. After sending the male nude, he followed up by apologizing, so for him to then state he feels rejected feels the apology isn't ernest.

I feel like I just want him to stop and pause and instead of looking at dick pics to focus on me. I can't quite work out why we can both look at women but with men it's different? I've examined unconscious homophobia and I don't think it's this. I think I just feel hurt. His exploration with men came with infidelity. This deeply hurt. So I can't just then respond to a picture with anything other than hurt, confusion or anger. I'm also bemused at the idea that he thinks a dick pic with a hairy chest is going to do anything for me other than ‘meh’. I like to actually see faces - so to be sent just - body picture does absolutely nothing for me. I will say I do judge a man who thinks about posting pics like this. I do not find it appealing. I found myself looking in the background, curious whether he has a partner who knows about him posting really personal pictures.

We will be talking about it later but I am curious to know what other people think?

OP posts:
nearlywinteragain · 26/09/2023 14:37

What kind of self absorbed idiot sends their partner sexual pictures of other people shortly after cheating on them?
He appears to have no concern for you at all in his current sexual excitement.
I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who had so little care for me.

CaroleSinger · 26/09/2023 14:39

I think this is one you can't now put back in the box. Being bisexual and being unfaithful don't come hand in hand. There's already bigger problems in your relationship that are nothing to do with infidelity. Maybe that's where the focus needs to be.

Meadowdog · 26/09/2023 14:39

How old are your children? Can you afford to split? I think you're best to go now while things can remain amicable and before they get really messy. He doesn't get to cheat on you in the guise of exploring another part of himself. And it does sound like he really wants to explore it some more.

Cognitivedisonance · 26/09/2023 14:39

Op it doesn’t matter if he likes men or women or develops a thing for root vegetables! He cheated on you, so bin him. The bisexual thing is a red herring. It doesn’t change the need for a relationship to be about loyalty and commitment. Pick a person, stay exclusively with that person. Sounds like the pair of you ought to just go off and explore a bit before settling down. Because in a normal marriage or LTR the thought of straying or screwing someone else no matter how attractive just doesn’t register.

Pleaseme · 26/09/2023 14:47

I don't think I could excuse being cheated on. It seems really selfish of him to want you to celebrate him living his "best life" as it were. Just because he is bisexual doesn't mean he gets a free pass. The bisexual people I know (who are open about it) are in longstanding monogamous relationships with kids.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/09/2023 14:52

ManateeFair · 26/09/2023 14:32

There are two separate things going on here.

One is that your husband cheated on you. The other is that he likes men as well as women.

The cheating is unequivocally a bad thing and it's up to you whether you can forgive him or not. Whether it was a man or a woman he cheated with is irrelevant.

Your general discomfort over him fancying men (when you don't have any similar discomfort over yourself liking women) is another issue. I suspect you would feel this way regardless of the previous infidelity, to be honest. You sound genuinely a bit repulsed by his desires, which I don't think is surmountable. Your response to the picture sounds like the response I'd expect from someone whose partner had a niche fetish rather than from a bisexual woman whose husband is also bisexual receiving an ordinary picture of a male body. I think that you would like to think of yourself as being very liberal and inclusive when it comes to sexuality, but are now discovering that maybe you're a bit more straight-laced than you thought, and that you don't really find bisexuality in men attractive. I don't think that's necessarily homophobia, but I can't see that this is something you're going to get over.

You just sound incompatible to be honest. He finds you attractive as a bisexual woman. You don't find him attractive as a bisexual man.

I think this sums it up well

You have an issue with him being bisexual. It's ok for you to be but you don't like being reminded that he is

Nocturna · 26/09/2023 15:00

You don’t mind him looking at women as you are fulfilling what he wants from a woman. If he is looking at men, he doesn’t get what he wants physically from a man from you, as is demonstrated already by his one night stand

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 15:02

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/09/2023 14:52

I think this sums it up well

You have an issue with him being bisexual. It's ok for you to be but you don't like being reminded that he is

Show quote history

No, she has an issue with him cheating on her.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/09/2023 15:06

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/09/2023 14:34

The cheating is the issue. Being Bi is not an invitation to cheat. You can both agree to an open marriage where you can sleep with those of the same gender to "satisfy" that urge if you BOTH feel comfortable with that and agree its needed. But that's different.

It does seem unfair that you are able to send photos of women you like but have gotten angry he's sent you one of a man and I can see why he'd be upset by your reaction. But the cheating has affected how you view that I suspect.

It might be unfair if the OP had cheated on her DH with a woman, and then sent him photos of women she fancies shortly afterwards, but was now disapproving when he does the exact same thing.

But that isn't what has happened here.

Cowlover89 · 26/09/2023 15:09

You deserve better x

Naunet · 26/09/2023 15:13

He recently cheated on you with a man, and then sent you a picture of a man he’d like to fuck, and you’re questioning why you’re upset about it?! My main advice is, whilst being open minded is good, don’t be so open minded your brain falls out. Of course you’re going to be upset!!! You’re a human being he recently betrayed.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/09/2023 15:15

You’re not homophobic. You’ve been cheated on. He cheated with a man so of course you would react like that to a photo of a nude man.

This whole set up sounds really toxic tbh OP.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 26/09/2023 15:37

I think it's really bizarre to be sharing pictures of people you find attractive with your other half. I mean, sure, I might comment on how X person who is on the tv is gorgeous, or DH might comment how Y person has never done it for him but he can appreciate they are objectively attractive - but to send one another pictures? No. Odd.

And if my husband told me he was bisexual and then cheated...well he's still cheated. I couldn't accept that regardless which flavour of partner he chose.

He's trying to make YOU feel guilty for his cheating!

PosterBoy · 26/09/2023 15:46

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/09/2023 14:52

I think this sums it up well

You have an issue with him being bisexual. It's ok for you to be but you don't like being reminded that he is

Show quote history

Yes, she doesn't like being reminded of it by him fucking other men. If he'd just sent her the odd pic maybe it wouldn't have been such a big deal but she'll never know that, will she

Uggtrending · 26/09/2023 15:52

I think you have room to complain about the picture because you BOTH send each other nude pictures. I suspect you feel hurt by him sleeping with a man which I understand BUT...

I don't understand bi sexual you surely have a preference man or woman ultimately. If you go to an expensive restaurant would you order everything off the menu??

Uggtrending · 26/09/2023 15:54

Have you slept with another woman OP? Whilst being with your DH?

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 26/09/2023 15:54

Have women been brought into your relationship physically? As in for you with his blessing?

without the infidelity I would say you’re being unfair, if it’s ok to share female nudes, but if you have stayed faithful in all ways the. It definitely his cheating that’s bugging you.

Genuine question - how do bisexual couples meet that need in themselves? Is it just with fantasy?

RudsyFarmer · 26/09/2023 15:57

The likelihood of your relationship working out long term is so minute you honestly would be planning my exit. For men a declaration of bisexuality often comes before an acceptance of homosexuality.

Hibiscrubbed · 26/09/2023 15:58

It’s ‘different’ with men because this stupid tone deaf fucker cheated on you with a fucking man. Jesus Christ. And now he’s trying to make you feel guilty? No. It’s a fucking mess. And he threw a dick-shaped hand grenade into your relationship.

JustAMinutePleass · 26/09/2023 16:01

He broke trust by cheating on you with a man - so of course you will be less accepting of him sending you pics of other men. It’s natural. Also I’m bisexual too - but for me I’m more attracted to men than women - it is perfectly possible you lean more to women and your husband was the anomly

JustAMinutePleass · 26/09/2023 16:02

RudsyFarmer · 26/09/2023 15:57

The likelihood of your relationship working out long term is so minute you honestly would be planning my exit. For men a declaration of bisexuality often comes before an acceptance of homosexuality.

This isn’t how it works in bisexual relationships and if you have no experience of this you shouldn’t comment. Posts like yours that erase bisexuality aren’t helpful

autumnpleasestay · 26/09/2023 16:05

The cheating would be the end for me. I just don't think I could get past that, especially infidelity with a man. (If that makes me 'homophobic', so be it. I just wouldn't be attracted to him after that.)

My main question is why he needs to 'explore' this side of himself at all. Privately acknowledging what he finds attractive is one thing, but why do you need to be involved? If he's committed to a monogamous relationship with you, I simply don't see the need for more 'exploration' than that.

I'd be preparing for this relationship to break apart, especially with his need to continue to 'explore', send you nude photos of other men, and then act hurt because you weren't enthusiastic enough in your response. 🙄

Malificent1 · 26/09/2023 16:06

Bisexual doesn’t mean open relationship, but that seems to be the direction you’re hurtling in.

havingmetime · 26/09/2023 16:10

It sounds like he wanted to explore his sexuality and he has and it went well for him so now he's becoming more engaged with that side of himself. Do you feel this is threatening you're relationship and you can't give him that side of who he is?

sandyhappypeople · 26/09/2023 16:11

I don’t see this as two separate issues myself, you no longer feel secure in your relationship so him sending pics of men is now a bit of a slap in the face, where as before it was a bit of harmless fun. Don’t let him push the blame back to you for how you feel.

you’ve got to trust each other and be fully secure in your relationship to enjoy exploring each other’s sexuality, there has to be a line that you’re both comfortable with and he’s already overstepped it.

did you discuss having an open marriage or did he just go off on a tangent?

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