Dh sending me pick of nude men

[wwyd234]

My husband and I are bisexual. My husband has only recently started to accept this part of himself. It comes with a lot of shame, sadness, anger and confusion on his part. We have both commented on women we like and shared with each other. The other day, DH sent me a male nude showing the type he likes. I could see he was waiting for my response. My first response was shell shock. I am still trying to figure out this part of himself that he is being more open about.

So as not to drip feed. DH had a one night stand with a man about 2 months ago. I still feel hurt and angry by this. So when he sent me the male nude, my heart just stopped and I just felt hurt. Sadly his early outward exploration of this part of himself comes with infidelity.

He's been quiet the past couple of days and we spoke briefly this morning. He says he feels hurt that I didn't respond positively or engage in the photo and that it felt like I had rejected and hated this part of him. After sending the male nude, he followed up by apologizing, so for him to then state he feels rejected feels the apology isn't ernest.

I feel like I just want him to stop and pause and instead of looking at dick pics to focus on me. I can't quite work out why we can both look at women but with men it's different? I've examined unconscious homophobia and I don't think it's this. I think I just feel hurt. His exploration with men came with infidelity. This deeply hurt. So I can't just then respond to a picture with anything other than hurt, confusion or anger. I'm also bemused at the idea that he thinks a dick pic with a hairy chest is going to do anything for me other than ‘meh’. I like to actually see faces - so to be sent just - body picture does absolutely nothing for me. I will say I do judge a man who thinks about posting pics like this. I do not find it appealing. I found myself looking in the background, curious whether he has a partner who knows about him posting really personal pictures.

We will be talking about it later but I am curious to know what other people think?

@Cactuslove

• early on in your relationship you both consented to swinging YES
• later you had kids and agreed to be monogamous (and did not consent to anymore swinging) YES
• during this time you have both sent and received photos of women ypu are attracted to
Doesn't happen often but if we do find an image we like, then yes we share. But really not often. We've probably sent more sexual images of ourselves to each other.

• you have never had sex with anyone that you and husband did not agree to and consent to together YES
• your husband had an affair 2 months YES ago
• your husband is now sending you a different type of photo not sent or received by either of you before YES - just the one. He started he wanted to share his type with me.

• the new type of photo is linked in a way to the affair he had
The photo was the torso of a random bloke he found on Reddit.

I at the time also didnt want to see him or him to have sexual contact with men. We have spoken about this recently and he has stated that this only contributed more to his own self hatred, shame and confusion

He’s not totally wrong there though, is he?

Why could you have sex with men and women, and he couldn’t? It may not be homophobia but it is definitely double standards.

I think he's been completely unfair. Yes the photo is of a random person but it is linked to his affair in that until his affair his attraction to men was repressed... and now it is not to the extent that the photos he is sending you has changed. I think he's unreasonable and selfish and glossing over this huge betrayal that will take you time to work through.

Yeah I appreciate that DH having sex with a man would be a dealbreaker and I completely get why many would say leave. I have contemplated this myself. The decision to swing was based on our mutual understanding that we wanted to have sexual experiences outside of our relationship. I explored different sides to myself which I just couldn't with DH, e.g. Dom role which just didn't work with DH. My view on sexuality and sexyal boundaries would remain whtger I swung or not. I don't view myself or DH as being able to satisfy each other in everything... For me this would be too much and just not possible.

Being with DH though is enough for me, and I'm Ok not being able to explore the other sides of myself. Despite asking him whether he wants more outside of me, he keeps saying no, but I am wondering how true this is.

It's not double standards when the swinging happened before they had kids and they've since been faithful only to each other since, by agreement. He recently changed his sexuality, then went and cheated.
Swinging etc is all very confusing to me. But I can see clearly that what he has done and continues to do, is wrong. And he'll do it again.

I very much doubt that swinging reduces the rate of divorce. Although I can well imagine that people decide not to cite it as the reason.

I was talking about when they were both swinging prior to having kids, when OP was sleeping with both women and men, but she objected to her DH wanting to sleep with men.

Obviously now, going behind her back when OP thought they had both stopped swinging, isn’t ok. So the previous swinging is kind of a moot point.

You've summed up how I feel really well. Seeing the male nude just made me feel sad and confused.

I have spent alot of time thinking about the fact that DH had sex with a man. It's confusing because I do enjoy watching gay porn. But then to think of DH in this scenario adds a dimension to him that I have never really thought of. I know how he is with me and I've seen how he is with other women and so to think of him being with men like this - kinda blows my mind. Sometimes I like the idea and other times it just makes me feel incredibly sad. I know that a high part of the sadness is because he did it behind my back. What particularly angers me is we had spoken about it recently and he asked whether id consider going back to swinging and I said no but would consider it later. It is messy, I'm not gonna deny that.

Frankly DH is all over the place at the moment, as I'm I. We have a lot going on at the moment which I do feel has contributed to all of this. What's difficult is I cant really talk to anyone in real life about it. Not can DH. Although he has started seeing a therapist. I have also started that once we have sorted out a major life event at the moment, I want to see a couple therapist together.

@Saschka I get you now. There are blurred lines for sure, with the swinging past.

I'm just confused how I can see and enjoy other men have sex with each other but then not want to see my DH have sex with other men?

My thoughts on this are based on the power dynamic that to be penetrated is to somehow be submissive. I objectively know this is crap but then I feel I live in a society that tells me otherwise. I hate the fact that I was ‘hqppy’ when DH told me he was top. Like why the fuck should this matter?

So because of the submissive aspect the idea that I could see DH in a submissive role (to be penetrated) challenges how I see him. Despite all of this. He is my one and only safe space.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Sorry @wwyd234, there’s a reason it’s all sitting so uneasy with you.

I don't quite get the games/prizes bit.

I am hurt because he betrayed me and indirectly the family. As a family we are going through a massive stressor at the moment so separating is simply not an option. But then even if we were going through the life stressors, I think if want to at least try whatever I could, such as marriage counselling to work through it. Then at least I can say, I tried. I've been with this man for 23 years. He has given me so much to then let this one mistake wreck all that? Nah - I don't want to do that.

@wwyd234 and this is why, despite talking about it, we have never ventured into it. You’ve summed it up yourself: neither of you know when or what will suddenly not be ok. Having kids, your body changing, the whole being mum thing….

I’ve gone from going to pick my husband up from Sandhurst, wearing nothing but a coat and hold ups, to needing props and unguents for exactly the same stuff that was effortless.

Been married 22 years, 2 kids, and as alluring as it might have been to bring in other stuff we were both very alert to the possibility that suddenly something would not be ok, or one of us may want to extend the ‘agreement’ beyond ‘the agreement’.

Obviously cheating is rampant, but this halfway house kind of invites it in imo

It's not confusing to me. My husband is my love. I'd be sick seeing him have sex with a man or other woman. We have sworn be to faithful to one another. That bond goes beyond sex. Honestly, I think your relationship sounds overly sexualised. Like, most of us (hopefully) enjoy a good sexual relationship with our other halves. It's great. But this obsessing about sexuality and having other partners...it doesn't seem healthy to me. It makes your relationship seems superficial. It's just not what a healthy, happy relationship is about. It's just sex. Good, married sex isnt so complicated.

I completely resonate with the fact I I'm different to pre kids and hyper sexual. Both my DH and I have spoken about this fact for both of us. I get that swinging isn't for everyone. I get that without clear communication boundaries are at risk of being breached.

I can't go back to erase the swinging and on reflection, from my point of view, swinging did help me heal from a trauma perspective (reclaiming my own body and using as I pleased), and DH knew and supported this.

I could not tolerate this in any way. Adultery hurts whether it is with a man or a woman.
Expecting you to look at photos and join in with his sexual appetites is just yuck in my personal view
I have not liked being sent such photos by men met online let alone if it was my husband/partner sending me photos of other men
I would be considering my options to
leave

Just wanted to add. Thank you for everyone who has taken the time to respond. All responses have given me time to ponder and reflect.

I admit my actions, responses and thoughts may be unclear. I'm still figuring some of it out. I can't deny that some of what I I'm reading hurts because it forces me to think through past decisions and wonder whtgerbit was the right decision, such as swinging, but then I went into the decision with very dysfunctional reasons why. So even though some of it was healing from an empowering pov, of course I have to accept that it left a gateway, that despite being monogomous since the kids arrived, the gateway is there nonetheless.

@PandaExpress

The concept of having sex with one person, forever, just isn't something I understand. I don't know why, I just don't. It's like my brain just malfunctions at that idea. I feel that DH have needs that naturally extend beyond each other, be it friendships or sex. And I'm ok with this, I want to be part of his journey in this (although I'm still figuring out the male part for him). What I don't agree with and jas hurt me is the brake in trust. When I found out, my heart felt like lead. It just blew him and how I saw him to bits. I never thought in a million years he would betray me.

I will say however I have asked for now that all sexual images stop. For both of us. That we do focus on each other and heal.

Sometimes he holds me and I just feel hurt. Part of me doesn't want to hold him because he hurt me. He was once my safe space, but he compromised that.

When he was telling me about his affair, it was the weirdist experience because I was yo-yoing between friend- mode of tell me more to his wife and just feeling hurt.

I will say - which I think has a lot more relevance than the swinging (although the decision to swing was likely because of this). I had no healthy relationships growing up. I was very vulnerable and targeted for all sorts. I was abused and hurt in the most intimate and angry ways. So I really had to start from scratch with DH.

Then DH also had his own negative experiences.

But, we found each other, in all our parts, and we were both ok with all of those parts. Over the years, we've put all those parts back together. And then 2 months ago, he yanked a big part out. And I fucking hate him for it.

I can't go to anyone about this. I have no family.

There's a sadness between us. All I can do, all I want to do, is try. And heal with him. I've done it before, so I can do it again.

OP, my DP and I are both bisexual and also swingers. DP realised last year that he's attracted to men. Our sexual interactions with others have been always been agreed upon by us both, and talked about at length in advance. If my DP had sex with anyone else without discussing it with me first I'd be devastated, as would he if the roles were reversed. I absolutely understand your pain at being cheated on, and of course you don't want a visual reminder of his infidelity only 2 months after the event!

Your H is overly focussed on himself at the moment and needs to realise the impact his infidelity has had on you, on the relationship, and to see that he risks losing you of he continues to disregard and disrespect your feelings. You said yourself that you partly took on the role of supportive friend when he revealed his affair. He isn't seeing you as a person separate from himself with your own thoughts and emotions, and he isn’t going to take responsibility for hurting you until you spell this out. Are you able to have a week or two away from him in order to clrar your head and think about what you actually want to happen in the future?

@wwyd234 i feel your pain, I really do. I’m not sure your DH thinks he was cheating as such, I think he stretched your agreement to suit his own agenda.

Dont beat yourself up, we’re all human and making it up as we go along. No one’s relationship is perfect, I could bore you for hours on our ups and downs over the years.

Keep talking, keep being honest. There sounds to be a lot of love there (fuck me, 23 years ain’t easy without a murder charge!). I admit to being ignorant (and viscerally adverse) to swinging, even tho the idea seems an bit exciting. Emotions, all the emotions, all the time.

Happy to chat in pm if you’re wanting an old,, vanilla sounding board!

I admire your candour and openness to views 🥰

I think in some ways you're overthrowing this OP and your previous lifestyle and being swingers etc is making you feel like you should be more open to something that is in fact really simple - a deep betrayal.

You've said yourself that swinging was all agreed upon, talked about, boundaries were put in place etc.

He then, without even telling you how he was feeling or asking if you'd reconsider, had an affair behind your back. Doesn't matter if its a man, a woman, or what exact sexual acts he did, he betrayed your trust. That is absolutely massive.

Just because you've agreed on something in the past, doesn't mean it's always ok...for example someone asks to borrow my car, and I say yes ok, just until next month when things are changing and I need it every day...doesn't mean they can just take it whenever. It turns into stealing. Just because I've had sex with someone willingly in the past doesn't mean they can just have sex whenever they like. That's rape. And just because you've been swingers in the past doesn't mean that you have to be ok with him having an affair.

Instead of getting angry, distraught, chucking him out, giving yourself chance to process your feelings, working out if the relationship is worth fighting for, letting his behaviour show you how sorry he is etc, all the normal stuff, you seem to be trying to put pressure on yourself to work out ways of accepting it. Questioning whether you're homophobic because you don't like the idea of your husband shagging another man in secret, when you've expressly told him you never want this to happen under any circumstances, is madness. Trying to work out why you feel so bad...when any human in any kind of relationship would feel bad in this situation - because he has treated you like shit. And he is continuing to treat you like shit.

You don't like him sending you pics of men, because it shows a. He is not even fucking sorry, b. He is not trying to make it up to you and build the trust back up again and c. these two things mean he is probably going to do it again, because frankly he doesn't seem to even care about how much he has hurt you, because he is justifying it in his head as 'expressing himself', and your hurt is an inconvenience to his new true self. Most people are mortified when they hurt someone they love, they don't rub it in their faces and then whinge when they're upset.

I think his actions since this, completely stink, and it's making you second guess whether you're actually to blame, which is almost a form of gaslighting.

Bottom line, you had a line in the sand, he passed straight through it, and doesn't even seem to care, and its normal to feel gutted, even more so given his behaviour since then. I think you need to stop the introspection, accept your feelings are normal, and work out if you still want to be married to someone who is acting like him

*over thinking