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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh sending me pick of nude men

177 replies

wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 13:12

My husband and I are bisexual. My husband has only recently started to accept this part of himself. It comes with a lot of shame, sadness, anger and confusion on his part. We have both commented on women we like and shared with each other. The other day, DH sent me a male nude showing the type he likes. I could see he was waiting for my response. My first response was shell shock. I am still trying to figure out this part of himself that he is being more open about.

So as not to drip feed. DH had a one night stand with a man about 2 months ago. I still feel hurt and angry by this. So when he sent me the male nude, my heart just stopped and I just felt hurt. Sadly his early outward exploration of this part of himself comes with infidelity.

He's been quiet the past couple of days and we spoke briefly this morning. He says he feels hurt that I didn't respond positively or engage in the photo and that it felt like I had rejected and hated this part of him. After sending the male nude, he followed up by apologizing, so for him to then state he feels rejected feels the apology isn't ernest.

I feel like I just want him to stop and pause and instead of looking at dick pics to focus on me. I can't quite work out why we can both look at women but with men it's different? I've examined unconscious homophobia and I don't think it's this. I think I just feel hurt. His exploration with men came with infidelity. This deeply hurt. So I can't just then respond to a picture with anything other than hurt, confusion or anger. I'm also bemused at the idea that he thinks a dick pic with a hairy chest is going to do anything for me other than ‘meh’. I like to actually see faces - so to be sent just - body picture does absolutely nothing for me. I will say I do judge a man who thinks about posting pics like this. I do not find it appealing. I found myself looking in the background, curious whether he has a partner who knows about him posting really personal pictures.

We will be talking about it later but I am curious to know what other people think?

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 17:21

TiredMamOfTwo · 26/09/2023 14:14

Did you agree to an open marriage?

I don't think I could move past the cheating if not. Every time you're reminded of his bisexuality you're reminded he cheated on you.

This is where I'm at. His exploring just reminds me of the decision he made.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 17:24

Grimchmas · 26/09/2023 14:21

You say you're trying to work out why you feel this way but it's pretty clear to me that you've already worked that out. He cheated on you recently with a man, so of course him sending you pictures of men he finds attractive isn't exactly being sensitive to you or condusive to rebuilding trust.

I'd also wonder if he has that guy's permission to share the pic, or if it's publicly posted online.

Finding the body attractive without the face is a fairly typical man thing, and wanting to see the face a fairly typical woman thing, so I wouldn't focus on that bit too much.

I say this as a bi woman with a bi male partner myself - I'd be worried in your H's case that he is closet gay.

We have discussed his sexuality. And I am confident he does like both men and women. I do fine it strange that he wants to discover his attraction to men so much. I just don't understand it. I don't understand what he intends to get out of it by looking at male nudes? It feels like he's in his head too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 17:25

PosterBoy · 26/09/2023 14:24

He cheated on you and you are both outwardly ignoring that.

If he had slept with another woman and was now sending photos of women he fancied, how would you feel?

Heartbroken. As I was when I found put he slept with a man.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 17:26

SleepingStandingUp · 26/09/2023 14:27

Assuming you don't want to split, I'd be making it clear you're still recovering from HIS infidelity, the safety of your marriage is not yet set, and you don't want ANY of his wank materials. IF you change your mind, you'll let him know. Right now you both need to fix what is broken.

If he doesn't like that, he knows what to do.

Pretty much what I said earlier to him.

OP posts:
Steev · 26/09/2023 17:26

Yeah this isn't ever going to last. I would be getting myself ready to do the off if I were you.

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 17:27

@ManateeFair thanks for your Frank response and it certainly gives me something to ponder.

OP posts:
nearlywinteragain · 26/09/2023 17:29

His utter self absorption in imagining that two months after him being unfaithful you are going to want to look at pictures he finds sexually attractive is mind boggling.

Is he normally this selfish?

QueeniePlumtree · 26/09/2023 17:33

Personally, big red flags here. He wants his newly found cake to eat and his old time favourite.

I see further below that you didn't enter an open marriage and his recent 'exploration' of his sexuality does not change that.

If he had cheated by sleeping with another woman and then started sending you images of the types of women he liked, that would be no different.

Do you sleep with other women?

I feel this is very messy and dangerous and is going to lead to more heartache.

There appears to be no respect or solid boundaries.

I'm sorry OP, you need to seriously consider how much of this you can endure. It sounds like he's become a very excitable kid in a sweet shop!

PandaExpress · 26/09/2023 17:35

I just couldn't cope with this. I know some people do. Even without the infidelity, he has 'discovered' that he is now attracted to men and wants to shag them. I mean, how do you accept that? He's not going to stop now. He's showing you he wants more men. The flood gates have been opened and that's that.
So do you start going to swingers parties together or what? I don't know how that works, but for some people maybe it does. There is no way he's not hooking up with another man though, one way or another. I'd call it quits personally.

Naunet · 26/09/2023 17:36

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/09/2023 16:49

The cheating is an entirely different issues

OP has sent photos of women BEFORE any of this

She has established this is something that is acceptable in their relationship

But now she's angry he's doing the same

No, he was already doing the same by also sending pictures of women, and the cheating is not separate at all.

FreeRider · 26/09/2023 17:57

My boyfriend of 14 years is bisexual, and in that whole time he's never sent me a picture of another male nude, or been unfaithful to me, either. He was also honest with me from the start regarding his sexuality. I've also been honest with him from the start that infidelity was totally unacceptable to me and that his sexuality did not give him a 'get out' clause on that, and if he still felt the need to sleep with other men then I would not be in a relationship with him. I'm straight, by the way.

He's been unfaithful, I'd be ending it.

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 18:02

nearlywinteragain · 26/09/2023 14:37

What kind of self absorbed idiot sends their partner sexual pictures of other people shortly after cheating on them?
He appears to have no concern for you at all in his current sexual excitement.
I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who had so little care for me.

I know he describes this as self discovery. I also feel this is horseshit.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 18:03

Meadowdog · 26/09/2023 14:39

How old are your children? Can you afford to split? I think you're best to go now while things can remain amicable and before they get really messy. He doesn't get to cheat on you in the guise of exploring another part of himself. And it does sound like he really wants to explore it some more.

That's what I fear. He has however since acknowledged that he fucked up and wants to build the trust. He's since taken himself of Reddit.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 18:06

Uggtrending · 26/09/2023 15:54

Have you slept with another woman OP? Whilst being with your DH?

Yes. Men and women.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 18:07

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 26/09/2023 15:54

Have women been brought into your relationship physically? As in for you with his blessing?

without the infidelity I would say you’re being unfair, if it’s ok to share female nudes, but if you have stayed faithful in all ways the. It definitely his cheating that’s bugging you.

Genuine question - how do bisexual couples meet that need in themselves? Is it just with fantasy?

Yes, he has also had sex with other women. I made it clear I didn't want to see him being secual with men in any capacit6y.

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 26/09/2023 18:09

Wait, you've slept with multiple other people since being with him? Were they with his consent?

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 18:09

havingmetime · 26/09/2023 16:10

It sounds like he wanted to explore his sexuality and he has and it went well for him so now he's becoming more engaged with that side of himself. Do you feel this is threatening you're relationship and you can't give him that side of who he is?

Absolutely. I told him it needs to stop because it is hurting our relationship.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/09/2023 18:11

Bollocks to his hurt feelings, he cheated on you and now complains that you aren't joyfully helping him pick his next hook up/blowjob/affair partner

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 18:12

sandyhappypeople · 26/09/2023 16:11

I don’t see this as two separate issues myself, you no longer feel secure in your relationship so him sending pics of men is now a bit of a slap in the face, where as before it was a bit of harmless fun. Don’t let him push the blame back to you for how you feel.

you’ve got to trust each other and be fully secure in your relationship to enjoy exploring each other’s sexuality, there has to be a line that you’re both comfortable with and he’s already overstepped it.

did you discuss having an open marriage or did he just go off on a tangent?

Bang on. The relationship doesn't feel safe and we need to rebuild that. He needs to rebuild it and him sending me unsolicited other men's dick picks is a slap in the face.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 26/09/2023 18:13

Wait so if your relationship open with other women or just mutual threesomes.

Seems like some blurred lines here between what’s ok for your bisexuality and his.

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 18:14

wildwestpioneer · 26/09/2023 16:11

Tbh it's no different to a straight man having an affair, and then sending nudes of a random woman he likes the look of. Of course you were shocked. It's eye wateringly insensitive considering he cheated a few months ago. It's go fuck all go do with his sexuality and all to do with how selfish and self centred he's being. Not only has he cheated, he's making it all about him. Of course you wouldn't have accepted this, it's not his sexuality that's disgusting, it's the fact he cheated that's disgusting

Really clear point. I did get the overwhelming feeling earlier that he was navel gazing/in his head… focusing on this self discovery and to what end? I asked how he felt like pics of men could help in this capacity. He got a little angry and couldn't answer the question.

OP posts:
Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 26/09/2023 18:15

Sounds like the one night stage has changed the dynamics of your relationship and the shared interest with regards to photos of other people. YANBU given what happened with the other man and this would probably end the marriage for most people.

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 18:16

To be clear I have never slept with anyone behind my husbands back. We used to swing together. It was mutually comsensual. This was pre kids.

OP posts:
Saschka · 26/09/2023 18:20

I’m bisexual, and so is DH. We don’t discuss who we fancy - I wouldn’t appreciate him leering over men any more than I’d appreciate him leering over other women if he was straight.

We may have vague discussions like “Thor is hot” “Oh he isn’t really my type, I prefer Loki”. DH actually has bizarre taste in men, to my mind. But no actual people we know, and definitely no discussions of wank fantasies, or anything like that.

I think you are enjoying exploring your bisexuality in detail, but don’t like it when he does the same. You should both dial it right back, and make sure that he understands that acting on it is still infidelity.

Malificent1 · 26/09/2023 18:23

What is he exploring, exactly?

I know I’m attracted to men, but I don’t go trawling the internet for pictures of them naked.

He’s realised he’s bisexual, acted on those feelings and is now merrily trawling the internet for wank material. These are not the actions of a committed husband.

I’m sorry OP.