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Original poster

Dh sending me pick of nude men

177 replies

wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 13:12

My husband and I are bisexual. My husband has only recently started to accept this part of himself. It comes with a lot of shame, sadness, anger and confusion on his part. We have both commented on women we like and shared with each other. The other day, DH sent me a male nude showing the type he likes. I could see he was waiting for my response. My first response was shell shock. I am still trying to figure out this part of himself that he is being more open about.

So as not to drip feed. DH had a one night stand with a man about 2 months ago. I still feel hurt and angry by this. So when he sent me the male nude, my heart just stopped and I just felt hurt. Sadly his early outward exploration of this part of himself comes with infidelity.

He's been quiet the past couple of days and we spoke briefly this morning. He says he feels hurt that I didn't respond positively or engage in the photo and that it felt like I had rejected and hated this part of him. After sending the male nude, he followed up by apologizing, so for him to then state he feels rejected feels the apology isn't ernest.

I feel like I just want him to stop and pause and instead of looking at dick pics to focus on me. I can't quite work out why we can both look at women but with men it's different? I've examined unconscious homophobia and I don't think it's this. I think I just feel hurt. His exploration with men came with infidelity. This deeply hurt. So I can't just then respond to a picture with anything other than hurt, confusion or anger. I'm also bemused at the idea that he thinks a dick pic with a hairy chest is going to do anything for me other than ‘meh’. I like to actually see faces - so to be sent just - body picture does absolutely nothing for me. I will say I do judge a man who thinks about posting pics like this. I do not find it appealing. I found myself looking in the background, curious whether he has a partner who knows about him posting really personal pictures.

We will be talking about it later but I am curious to know what other people think?

OP posts:
FedUpWithEverything123 · 26/09/2023 23:43

I can't see this relationship lasting, sorry OP. Infidelity, exploring to be done, trust issues etc

Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 23:56

MattBerrysHair · 26/09/2023 22:40

OP, my DP and I are both bisexual and also swingers. DP realised last year that he's attracted to men. Our sexual interactions with others have been always been agreed upon by us both, and talked about at length in advance. If my DP had sex with anyone else without discussing it with me first I'd be devastated, as would he if the roles were reversed. I absolutely understand your pain at being cheated on, and of course you don't want a visual reminder of his infidelity only 2 months after the event!

Your H is overly focussed on himself at the moment and needs to realise the impact his infidelity has had on you, on the relationship, and to see that he risks losing you of he continues to disregard and disrespect your feelings. You said yourself that you partly took on the role of supportive friend when he revealed his affair. He isn't seeing you as a person separate from himself with your own thoughts and emotions, and he isn’t going to take responsibility for hurting you until you spell this out. Are you able to have a week or two away from him in order to clrar your head and think about what you actually want to happen in the future?

💐

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 23:57

MattBerrysHair · 26/09/2023 22:40

OP, my DP and I are both bisexual and also swingers. DP realised last year that he's attracted to men. Our sexual interactions with others have been always been agreed upon by us both, and talked about at length in advance. If my DP had sex with anyone else without discussing it with me first I'd be devastated, as would he if the roles were reversed. I absolutely understand your pain at being cheated on, and of course you don't want a visual reminder of his infidelity only 2 months after the event!

Your H is overly focussed on himself at the moment and needs to realise the impact his infidelity has had on you, on the relationship, and to see that he risks losing you of he continues to disregard and disrespect your feelings. You said yourself that you partly took on the role of supportive friend when he revealed his affair. He isn't seeing you as a person separate from himself with your own thoughts and emotions, and he isn’t going to take responsibility for hurting you until you spell this out. Are you able to have a week or two away from him in order to clrar your head and think about what you actually want to happen in the future?

I have planned some time to myself this weekend as he's seeing family with the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 27/09/2023 00:00

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 26/09/2023 23:00

@wwyd234 i feel your pain, I really do. I’m not sure your DH thinks he was cheating as such, I think he stretched your agreement to suit his own agenda.

Dont beat yourself up, we’re all human and making it up as we go along. No one’s relationship is perfect, I could bore you for hours on our ups and downs over the years.

Keep talking, keep being honest. There sounds to be a lot of love there (fuck me, 23 years ain’t easy without a murder charge!). I admit to being ignorant (and viscerally adverse) to swinging, even tho the idea seems an bit exciting. Emotions, all the emotions, all the time.

Happy to chat in pm if you’re wanting an old,, vanilla sounding board!

I admire your candour and openness to views 🥰

What a lovely offer - thank you 💐

What's particulaly difficult is navigating this by myself, sonreposnses like this are hugely appreciated. Thank you. Ernestly. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 27/09/2023 00:02

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/09/2023 23:16

I think in some ways you're overthrowing this OP and your previous lifestyle and being swingers etc is making you feel like you should be more open to something that is in fact really simple - a deep betrayal.

You've said yourself that swinging was all agreed upon, talked about, boundaries were put in place etc.

He then, without even telling you how he was feeling or asking if you'd reconsider, had an affair behind your back. Doesn't matter if its a man, a woman, or what exact sexual acts he did, he betrayed your trust. That is absolutely massive.

Just because you've agreed on something in the past, doesn't mean it's always ok...for example someone asks to borrow my car, and I say yes ok, just until next month when things are changing and I need it every day...doesn't mean they can just take it whenever. It turns into stealing. Just because I've had sex with someone willingly in the past doesn't mean they can just have sex whenever they like. That's rape. And just because you've been swingers in the past doesn't mean that you have to be ok with him having an affair.

Instead of getting angry, distraught, chucking him out, giving yourself chance to process your feelings, working out if the relationship is worth fighting for, letting his behaviour show you how sorry he is etc, all the normal stuff, you seem to be trying to put pressure on yourself to work out ways of accepting it. Questioning whether you're homophobic because you don't like the idea of your husband shagging another man in secret, when you've expressly told him you never want this to happen under any circumstances, is madness. Trying to work out why you feel so bad...when any human in any kind of relationship would feel bad in this situation - because he has treated you like shit. And he is continuing to treat you like shit.

You don't like him sending you pics of men, because it shows a. He is not even fucking sorry, b. He is not trying to make it up to you and build the trust back up again and c. these two things mean he is probably going to do it again, because frankly he doesn't seem to even care about how much he has hurt you, because he is justifying it in his head as 'expressing himself', and your hurt is an inconvenience to his new true self. Most people are mortified when they hurt someone they love, they don't rub it in their faces and then whinge when they're upset.

I think his actions since this, completely stink, and it's making you second guess whether you're actually to blame, which is almost a form of gaslighting.

Bottom line, you had a line in the sand, he passed straight through it, and doesn't even seem to care, and its normal to feel gutted, even more so given his behaviour since then. I think you need to stop the introspection, accept your feelings are normal, and work out if you still want to be married to someone who is acting like him

Fuck - that was a powerful read. Thank you 💐

OP posts:
Fallingthroughclouds · 27/09/2023 00:04

Not sure how you are going to navigate this one. He had an affair when you hadn't agreed to an open marriage, he is currently using an online platform to meet guys, and this is where he met his previous 'lover', and now HE feels rejected. Gawd above.

I think there is every chance he has burst out the closet and is now going to be very promiscuous. He's making you feel guilty so he can justify it to himself. If you hang around I can only predict heartbreak and not of the minimal kind. Sorry you're going through this

Fallingthroughclouds · 27/09/2023 00:18

wwyd234 · 26/09/2023 18:06

Yes. Men and women.

Show quote history

Huge drip feed. You didn't agree to an open marriage, but you were already in an open marriage and you are aware he has also slept with other women. Crack on with him then, he's been an insensitive prick, but I'm not sure you have a leg to stand on. It can't be one rule for him and one for you surely.

smilesup · 27/09/2023 00:22

I'm going to be honest. I've seen lots of swinger couples and very, very rarely do they last. Monogamous relationships for decades last (not always) because people have made a decision to ignore sexual feelings they may have. Often they don't because those feelings can be intense. They have an affair and it's ruined. However for the majority that red line isn't crossed despite occasional strong feelings.
With swinging couples it's harder to resist. Boundaries may be in place but if a couple has never strayed, never kissed let alone fucked someone else its a big barrier to cross. However if you have agreed it's fine to cross that barrier, even with caveats it makes it much much easier to cross, ignoring any rules.
I left a relationship because he wanted to swing and I didn't. I knew I didn't want to encourage infidelity as.I had seen lots of times the result.

PandaExpress · 27/09/2023 00:25

It is admirable the way you have taken what everyone has said, without getting defensive. Ultimately, only you two can work out if he can be faithful and if you can work past this. Just don't let him gaslight you into believing he's done nothing wrong and that you have to accept it, even if it makes you unhappy. He's changed his sexuality, after 20 odd years together. You don't have to like or accept that.

Ididntknowuntiliknew · 27/09/2023 12:14

The mad thing here is that you consented to sharing images of people you want to have sex with, in a monogamous marriage.

The boundaries are all over the place.

Being bisexual doesn't mean tolerating shitty behaviour.
It's not a badge that entitles someone to dodge the constraints of commitment.
It doesn't mitigate the consequences of infidelity, either.

My take- he doesn't want to be faithful. He thinks he found a way to excuse infidelity.
You're bisexual. You don't use that to justify infidelity.
There is a compatibility and respect issue.

5128gap · 27/09/2023 12:22

I think your H has put a huge hurdle in place with his infidelity. It's one thing for you as a couple to adapt to, accommodate and even welcome his new sexual parameters within the context of honesty and honouring of the boundaries of your relationship.
Unfortunately because he was unfaithful with a man, you associate his interest in men with this and percieve it as a threat.
I think you need to work through the unresolved issues around his betrayal before you can explore this new aspect of your relationship together.
And it's different when it's women because there has presumably been no ONS, betrayal or deceit around that.

Lamelie · 27/09/2023 12:23

Ididntknowuntiliknew · 27/09/2023 12:14

The mad thing here is that you consented to sharing images of people you want to have sex with, in a monogamous marriage.

The boundaries are all over the place.

Being bisexual doesn't mean tolerating shitty behaviour.
It's not a badge that entitles someone to dodge the constraints of commitment.
It doesn't mitigate the consequences of infidelity, either.

My take- he doesn't want to be faithful. He thinks he found a way to excuse infidelity.
You're bisexual. You don't use that to justify infidelity.
There is a compatibility and respect issue.

This is what I mean by “play stupid games, win stupid prizes”
@wwyd234 you both need to reset the boundaries of your relationship so it’s not a stupid game. If that’s not possible, it’s time to bail.

Ididntknowuntiliknew · 27/09/2023 12:28

OK. I've now RTFT, including the drip feed.
Boundaries need setting and porn issues need discussing and addressing.

Where duplicity is being excused, I'm not sure I would be willing to attempt reconciliation.
But that's just me.

gamerchick · 27/09/2023 12:31

How many blokes will be have to screw before you get on the beam? Have you agreed to an open marriage or are you sleepwalking into one?

Josette77 · 27/09/2023 15:32

I had so many thoughts reading this as a bisexual woman. My partner is transmasc. He passes for a man ( a hot one at that), but has the life experience of a female and a vagina so to be honest I feel like I have the best of both worlds. lol

That said, I was married to a man for 22 years, dated women previously, and being faithful isn't hard for me. If I want to fantasize, I can masturbate, but to be honest, my sex life is completely fulfilling. I don't need anyone else.

Cheating is cheating. End of story.

The only thing that kind of made me squirm reading this is that you know he was bisexual when you were swingers, but only you could sleep with men and women.

I get it, and that's your boundary. Knowing though he came from an abusive and homophobic background it makes me sad though. He obviously has a lot of shame over this and it sounds like that wasn't helped by swinging. It sounds healing for you as you said, but likely triggering for him.

I don't know the answer. He wants to explore this, so it sounds like either divorce or another agreement is needed. I don't think he's right, AT ALL. It just sounds like a shitshow and I can see how many decisions and experiences have led to this.

I'm so sorry and I hope things work out for you both however that looks.

BeaRightThere · 27/09/2023 15:42

I actually feel a lot of sympathy for your husband, though he shouldn't have cheated and he doesn't seem to realise how much he's hurt you.

You say he grew up in a very homophobic and repressed household (and in fact it seems like you both have issues stemming from childhood). You knew from the beginning that he was attracted to men but when you both started swinging, you made it clear you wouldn't accept him having sex with men while you could sleep with both men and women. He agreed at the time but now says that your reaction just reinforced his feelings of shame and self-revulsion.

I think it's good that you are open to examining your own prejudices and it does seem like you want this marriage to work. I think couples counselling would be a good idea but honestly I don't think you can put this genie back in the bottle. It seems like he's repressed a huge part of himself for a long time and now for whatever reason it's all come to a head and he can't anymore. I'm not saying your marriage can't be saved but it might be a very different marriage from now on.

Taketurn · 27/09/2023 15:47

So you have an open "marriage" then?
Better make sure you're using protection.

Original poster
wwyd234 · 27/09/2023 16:25

Taketurn · 27/09/2023 15:47

So you have an open "marriage" then?
Better make sure you're using protection.

No we don't have an open marriage. We have in the past. Over 15 years ago now.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 27/09/2023 16:30

Josette77 · 27/09/2023 15:32

I had so many thoughts reading this as a bisexual woman. My partner is transmasc. He passes for a man ( a hot one at that), but has the life experience of a female and a vagina so to be honest I feel like I have the best of both worlds. lol

That said, I was married to a man for 22 years, dated women previously, and being faithful isn't hard for me. If I want to fantasize, I can masturbate, but to be honest, my sex life is completely fulfilling. I don't need anyone else.

Cheating is cheating. End of story.

The only thing that kind of made me squirm reading this is that you know he was bisexual when you were swingers, but only you could sleep with men and women.

I get it, and that's your boundary. Knowing though he came from an abusive and homophobic background it makes me sad though. He obviously has a lot of shame over this and it sounds like that wasn't helped by swinging. It sounds healing for you as you said, but likely triggering for him.

I don't know the answer. He wants to explore this, so it sounds like either divorce or another agreement is needed. I don't think he's right, AT ALL. It just sounds like a shitshow and I can see how many decisions and experiences have led to this.

I'm so sorry and I hope things work out for you both however that looks.

Thank you for your response. I have been reflecting a lot about why I don't want to see him with men, and why I was ‘happier’ when he told me he was the top and had things done to him. I recognise the inbuilt sexism in all of this. I recognise my own toxic masculinity response to this scenario. Why does gay sex, and receiving somehow make a man ‘less off a man?’ - whatever that means? This I think is worth examining. Where is the line drawn between my own discrimination towards gay sex and just a preference?

OP posts:
Original poster
wwyd234 · 27/09/2023 16:33

@Josette77 even when I watch gay porn, I am usually more attracted to the giver…

OP posts:
Uggtrending · 27/09/2023 16:56

Don't you think your DH might be gay??

Original poster
wwyd234 · 27/09/2023 17:06

Uggtrending · 27/09/2023 16:56

Don't you think your DH might be gay??

No. I have asked him this point blank. And he says no.

OP posts:
WongWifi · 27/09/2023 17:12

I read this and I despair. Why bother getting married 🤦‍♀️

Josette77 · 27/09/2023 17:12

I get why he's hurt by that, but don't think you need to be into that. I don't watch gay porn. I don't find it sexy at all.

You are doing your best to unpack this and if it wasn't for your sexual history together, I think it would be more cut and dry.

I don't think you need to be ok with it, but knowing his feelings even back then it just seems a little unfair.

Uggtrending · 27/09/2023 17:14

@wwyd234 so how did he manage to just have a ONS with a man? Where did he meet him? God my head is spinning its all so complex.

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